“We teach you lesson America!” Kim Jong Un orders the construction of huge flying vengence penis

Korean despot Kim Jong Un is seen here cavorting with his blood thirsty henchmen watching the construction of the massive flying penis they plan to unleash on America.

Korean despot Kim Jong Un is seen here cavorting with his blood thirsty henchmen reading The National Reporters news story about the giant floating penis over North Korea. “Look, it my picture!” Kim Jong Un giggled excitedly.

The National Reporter

A few months ago The National Reporter informed our readers about the latest sighting of the notorious flying penis  over North Korea which outraged the chubby Despot, Kim Jong Un.
It is rumored that his recent disappearance from the public eye had something to with an emergency meeting he had ordered to exact revenge against the United State of America.
His threat to destroy America was aired on Korean television and seen by nearly one hundred people who have earned enough privilege to own television sets in that glorious peoples republic.
The CIA reported that it is highly likely that Kim Jong Un was indeed intending to follow through with his threat and was organizing the construction of a massive weapon in a remote area north of the 38th parallel.
When the word reached Washington the chiefs of staff ordered proof that he was intended to carry out this threat.

An American aerial reconnaissance plane snapped this horrifying image last week while on a highly classified fly over of the Communist nation.

Korean threat

Is this a giant flying penis that the North Korean madman is planning to launch on America?
The National Reporter was given a copy of this highly classified photograph for analysis by our science department who earned the respect of the Institute of science in Washington for their development of The Ghost-o-vision scope.
Our team of scientists used a special photographic process that allows them to magnify photographic images so that they could get a better look at the suspected flying penis and present the results to our loyal readers.

Close up shot

The National Reporters enhanced photograph clearly shows what appears to be a giant penis under construction on a remote North Korea military facility.
The Pentagon has secretly dispatched a fleet of anti missile cruisers and several submarines to protect our shores from giant sinister flying penises from North Korea in case Kim Jong Un decides to unleash his revenge.
General Bosco Stevens has contacted Kim Jon Un and issued a dire warning to him stating that the United States will not tolerate an invasion of our air space by flying penis’s or any other obscene flying objects intended to shock and horrify the American public.

Keep reading The National Reporter for any developments on this crisis.

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Origin of the mysterious electronic tooth implant has been revealed!

The truth about the baffling electronic tooth implant has shocked the scientific community

The truth about the baffling electronic tooth implant has shocked the scientific community

The National Reporter
Shocking news concerning the mysterious electronic tooth implant that was reported in The National Reporter five years ago has finally been revealed.

Electronic implant discovered in mans tooth”

The origin and the method in which it was inserted into Wally Hansons tooth has been discovered by a scientific team of forensic experts in Washington DC.
The National Reporter was on hand when the news of the discovery was announced.
The National Reporter – How did you discover the secret of the electronic tooth implant?
The person we had begun interviewing at this time was obviously unaware of who was speaking to him.
“And who might I ask wants to know?”
The National Reporter – Pardon me professor, I should have introduced myself.
My name is Ace Flashman, I am a reporter for The National Reporter.
“Ah yes, the National Reporter.” He said with a smile. “One of the most reliable sources of the latest scientific discovery’s anywhere and the winner of the International Reporters Association award for honesty, integrity and truthfulness in journalism.”
The National Reporter – That’s right professor. We at The National Reporter do our best to bring the truth to the public, unlike the tabloids who sell ridiculous lies to them to make a quick buck.”
“Yes, I find The National Reporters reputation for honesty, integrity and truthfulness very reassuring when I need to do important research that could have dire consequences for the world if it was inaccurate.”
The National Reporter – That’s right professor. We at The National Reporter go that extra ten yards to make sure our readers are getting nothing but facts on the issues that are effecting the world today.
“Don’t you mean nine yards?”
The National Reporter – We here at The National Reporter like to think that we go an extra yard for our loyal readers because they are worth the effort.
“That is a very noble outlook.” The professor said. “That is why you won the award for Honesty, integrity and truthfulness in journalism.”
The National Reporter – Yes, that is correct. And we won it a second time this year as you can see when you read our webpage.
“Well, I must say that you certainly deserve it.” he said.
The National Reporter – Why, thank you professor. That means a lot coming from such a distinguished gentleman as yourself.
“I am not alone in my opinion of your fine news service.” He said. “All of us here at the scientific institute are avid readers of The National Reporter and look forward to your latest reports.”
The National Reporter – Why, thank you again Professor. That is quite a complement coming from a loyal reader and a person of your stature.

Now professor, we understand that you and the scientific team here at the science institute have discovered the origin of the electronic implant in the tooth and also how it was inserted, is this true?
“Yes.”
The National Reporter – That is really news. What was the reactrion of your team when they made the discovery?
“Most of us were shocked, yet the discovery had a calming effect on the members of the team.” he said.
The National Reporter – I could imagine it would have been quite a relief to everyone involved in such a lengthy research project to finally come to a conclusion solving the mystery.
“Yes, it was. It was a much needed relief.” He said. “The team and I were on the verge of calling it quits several times over the past few years. At times it became very frustrating as theory after theory fell apart and we had to start all over from the beginning.”
The National Reporter – Yes, I can understand why that would be frustrating.
“At first the discovery seemed so far fetched that none of us believed and we nearly dropped it to explore other possibilitys.”
The National Reporter – It’s a good thing you decided to continue on the theory that led your team to the truth.
“Yes, that is correct.” He said.
The National Reporter – How has this discovery impacted the scientific community?
“It has had quite an impact, especially in the field involving the technology of the implant and the method in which it was inserted into the mans tooth.”
The National Reporter – I bet it has. Have you contacted Wally Hanson with the news yet?
“Yes, We have.” The professor said.
The National Reporter – Was he as surprised as you and your team?
“Yes, he was. He was stunned when we told him what it was and how it ended up in his tooth without his knowledge of how it got there or what it was.”
The National Reporter – Who wouldn’t be stunned to find out something like that?
“Ha,ha,..not many people that I can think of.” The professor laughed.
The National Reporter – Well, thank you for your time Professor. Our readers will be excited when they find out that the mystery has been solved.
“I am sure they will.” he said.

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The flying penis invades North Korea, Kim Jong-un threatens to destroy America!

The horrific abomination floated into view of the people as they were worshiping the giant golden communist Gods.

The horrific abomination floated into view of the people as they were watching the giant dancing golden robot show.

The National Reporter
The mysterious flying penis which was first sighted over Pittsburgh Pennsylvania few years ago has floated clear across Europe and into Asia where it has reappeared over the peoples republic of North Korea unleashing a storm of threats and war.
“They do this to make angry North Korea!” President Kim Jong-un said after he had personally witnessed the disgusting floating object.

Looky looky,..what that floating over there? Oh no! it giant flying wang!!

Looky looky,..what that floating over there? Oh no! it giant flying wang!!

The National Reporter – is prohibited from visiting North Korea because of our policy of always telling the truth in our news reports, however we were able to contact Kim Jong-un by shouting across the wall that the Communists put up to protect themselves from the evil capitalists in the South.
The National Reporter – Kim Jong-Un, are you there?
“Who want to know?”
The National Reporter – Mr. President, this is Ace Flashman from the National reporter.
“What you want?”
The National Reporter –I am doing a news story on the mysterious flying penis that floated into your country the other day.
“Mysterious floating what?”
The National Reporter – Penis, the mysterious floating penis.
“You mean giant wang?
The National Reporter – Yes, the giant wang.
“Oh,..that thing very evil. It scare girls and make them run away. Give many old women nightmares.”

A North Korean guard goose stepped over to me and handed me a packet that contained several photographs depicting the hysteria caused by the floating penis after it had violated North Korean airspace.
I opened the packet and glanced at the photos.
The first one was a group of young girls fleeing in terror from the floating abomination.

YIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!! Run for your life, it is a wang monster!

YIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!! Run for your life, it is Peno, the flying wang monster come to kill us!

The second one was an angry Army officer instructing his troops to shoot the penis down as soon as it floated in range of their weapons.
Unfortunately the floating penis drifted off in the opposite direction.

Hold you fire till it get close! Then we shoot!

Hold you fire till it get close!
Then we shoot!

The National Reporter –Where is the flying penis now, President Kim Jong-un?
“It still around someplace, me not know where.”He said. “I have given an order to all people to turn backs to flying wang. Ignore it. Do not look at it”
The National Reporter –Has then been succesful?
“So far no one is look at it.”

Order of the day; We no look at big disgusting frying wang. Turn back and no looky!

Order of the day; We no look at big disgusting frying wang. Turn back and no looky!

“Only people who looky are some girls. They think is funny and were making laughing at the wang.”
The National Reporter –What happened to them?
“Firing squad, they get shot in heads, go to great reward.”

Stupid girls, think is funy to laugh at giant flying wang that President Kim Jong-Un say not to looky at. Now they dead.

Stupid girls, think is funny to laugh at giant flying wang that President Kim Jong-Un say not to looky at. Now they dead.

Later that evening President Kim Jong-Un went on national television and proceed to unleash a tirade of threats and accusations at the Americans.
“You Americans have really made big mistake now!” he screamed. “Giant wang not funny, You pay, you see.
We build giant flying wang a hundred time bigger, send it to America, you see, We serious.
You be sorry for your crime against humanity. You a bunch of gangster criminals who ride horses and eat hotdogs all day long, you cowards!”

President Kim Jong -Un during his televised attack on America. He has promised quick retaliation against what he has called war crimes and crimes against humanity.

President Kim Jong -Un during his televised attack on America. He has promised quick retaliation against what he has called war crimes and crimes against humanity.

Hillary Clinton has been reported to be on her way to North Korea.
She is a regular visitor to Kim Jong-Uns private spa and luxury hotel for rich foreigners that Kim Jung-Un considers to be his allies in the struggle for world domination.

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Reporter

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Man lights fart, kills self and obliterates his house.

The National Reporter

A 36 year old Dayton Ohio man identified as Fred Freedman was playing with fire in his home last week and decided that it would be a good idea to ignite his flatulence.
Unfortunately he neglected to take into consideration the potency of the flammable gas he was about to expel after feasting on a huge Mexican dinner.
The result was horrific to say the least.

Here is an aerial photo of his home and the surrounding neighborhood after the explosion.

After hours of sifting through the ruins of his home, investigators could find no trace of Mr. Stuarts body.

After hours of sifting through the ruins of his home, investigators could find no trace of Mr. Freedman’s body.


Residents of this small suburb of Dayton were awoken to the terrible explosion in the early hours of May 13 as Mr.Freedman was amusing hundreds of viewers on Facebook with his usual fire related hijinks.
“I was watching Flaming Freddy, as he called himself on his Facebook account, doing one of his fire tricks when he stood up with a huge excited grin on his face and said, “Watch this!” He spun around and dropped his pants and exposed his naked rear end to perhaps a few hundred thousand viewers.” Jimmy Burke explained. “I watched in astonishment as he brought his hand around to his anus and flicked on a butane lighter.
He grunted a few times as his viewers waited for it.
I kind of expected him to have diarrhea, you know, the way people usually fail when they do something like this with their farts.
Especially with thousands of people watching.
I believe it is called a “shart.”
A second later the sound of a long windy fart came out of my speakers. Then there was a flash of bright light and the signal was gone, the screen went blank.”
The National Reporter – What did you think when you found out what happened to him?
“Well, I was shocked when I saw the photographs of his house on the news. He was a funny fellow and I am devastated by the news of his untimely death. I mean, he was just trying to make people laugh and this had to happen to him. It’s just not right, not right at all, damn it.”

Fred (Flaming Freddy of Facebook fame) Freedman is seen here performing one of his hysterical fire tricks for his Facebook fans. This particular stunt landed him in the hospital for seven weeks where he had to endure hundreds of hours of painful skin grafts.

Fred (Flaming Freddy of Facebook fame) Freedman is seen here performing one of his hysterical fire tricks for his Facebook fans.
This particular stunt landed him in the hospital for seven weeks where he had to endure hundreds of hours of extremely painful skin grafts.

The fire department battled the fire for hours while rescuing shocked and terrified people from their homes.
The National Reporter – What was your first thought when you arrived on the scene?
“I just assumed that a boiler had exploded or maybe someone was building a big bomb in their basement and it blew up.”
The National Reporter – What did you think when you found out that it was the result of a prankster lighting his farts?
“Amazed. I mean come on,.. a fart did all this? I am absolutely amazed. Let me tell you this, from now on I am staying away from open fire when I am gassy.”

Holy crap! A fart did all this?

Holy crap! A fart did all this?


The damage has been estimated to be in the millions and the insurance company’s are already calling it an act of God to avoid compensating the victims.
Instead they are raising their premiums for all the residences in the community claiming that the neighborhood is now a dangerously high risk area because of all the people lighting their farts and blowing up their houses.

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Pawn stars Rick Harrison turns down billion dollar ring.

Rick Harrisons famous television pawn shop in Las Vegas.

Rick Harrisons famous television pawn shop in Las Vegas.

The National Reporter
On a recent episode of Pawn stars, the highly successful reality series about a family owned pawn shop in Las Vegas,  Rick Harrison the owner of the shop was offered the opportunity to buy what is perhaps the rarest and most historical ring in the world.
Dubbed Nero’s wedding ring when it was first presented to President Abraham Lincoln just two months before his assassination, the ring was intended to be used as an emergency device to alert the newly formed secret service  if the president felt threatened.
Because silent alarms had not yet been invented, it was decided upon to utilize a small device that can be activated by blowing into it, a whistle.
The secret service scientists came up with a beautifully crafted gold siren ring similar to this ring.

Lincolns alarm ring, known as Neroos wedding ring because of the acronym, N.W.R. (Noisy whistle ring)

Lincolns alarm ring similar to this ring, was  known as Nero’s wedding ring because of the acronym , N.W.R. (Noisy whistle ring)

It is said that many of the people who were in attendance at Fords Theater the night of the assassination reported hearing a strange whizzing sound coming from the presidents balcony box immediately after the fatal gunshot rang out.
In the 1930 film production, “Abraham Lincoln” the whistle sound was used in the sound track for realism based on witness testimony.
Unfortunately the scene was reedited prior to the films release and the whistle sound was removed on the request of the Secret Service.
Many people at the time suspected that they didn’t want the public to know about their failure to protect the president with their amazing whistle ring.
The National Reporter  has managed to obtain an unedited copy of the movie scene for our readers.
In it you will hear the same sound that was heard by witnesses at Fords theater that fateful night.

Shortly after the assassination the ring disappeared and was never seen again until recently on an episode of Pawn Stars.
A man walked into the pawn shop that is seen on television, the reality show Pawn Stars and plopped the ring down in front of Rick Harrison the owner of the shop and asked for five hundred dollars.
“Five hundred,.. dollars?” he laughed.
“That’s right, five hundred dollareenos. Five big ones, five samolioans.”
Rick picked up the ring and looked at it.
“What is it?” He asked.
“What is it you ask?” the man gaufawed. “Why,..it’s Nero’s wedding ring.”
“Emperor Nero?”
“That’s right, Emperor Nero, the big Roman guy.”
“And you say this is his wedding ring?”
Yep,.. the old symbolic ball and chain.”
Rick just shook his head and handed it back to him.
“I’m not interested.” he said.
The man shrugged his shoulders and walked out of the store.
A few days later the secret service came into the store and chased all the customers out.
One man in a black leather trench coat cornered Rick Harrison in a back room as others swarmed in around him.
“What do you know about the ring?” he snarled.
“W,what ring?” Rick asked. he was visibly shaken up by the sudden intrusion of fifty government agents.
” Nero’s wedding ring!” the agent snapped back.
“What?”
“You heard me, where is it?”
“I don’t have it, I told the guy I didn’t want it.”
“You better not be lying to us, see?”
After that the secret service guys left the shop and told everyone who was there that if they said anything about what just happened they would come back and kill them.

The next day The National Reporter went to the pawn shop to ask Rick Harrison what happened.
“Aw jeez, it was awful.” he said. “The shop was swarmed by all these creepy looking Secret Service guys yesterday.”

Rick Harrison the owner of the famous television lawn shop that is featured on the reality series Pawn Stars.

Rick Harrison the owner of the famous television Pawn shop that is featured on the reality series Pawn Stars.

The National Reporter– What did they want?
“They wanted to know where Nero’s wedding ring was.”
The National Reporter– Nero’s wedding ring?
“Yeah, it’s from the acronym N.W.R. They use it to throw people off of the true name for the ring which is Noisey Whistle Ring. It belonged to President Lincoln and was stolen right after he was assassinated. It’s worth a ton of money.”
The National Reporter– We understand the guy only wanted five hundred dollars for it and it is worth one billion dollars. Why didn’t you buy it?
“I thought it was a cheap little brass kids whistle. How was I supposed to know what it was?”
The National Reporter-Oh well, you live and you learn.
“I suppose.”
The National Reporter– When will we see the episode where you turned down the ring?
“You won’t.” Rick told us. “The secret service took the video and destroyed it and told us if we ever said anything about it to anyone they would come back and kill us.”
The National Reporter– They told us the same thing about airing the deleted scene from the Lincoln movie where they have the sound of Lincoln blowing into the ring to call the Secret Service.
“Ha,ha, they screwed up big time on that.” Rick laughed.
The National Reporter-They sure did Rick, they sure did.

Be sure to watch Pawn Stars on the History channel!

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Prehistoric man may have lived like the Flintstones

Prehistoric homes like this may have been a reality in days gone by.

The National Reporter
Archeologists in New Mexico have discovered startling evidence that our prehistoric ancestors may have been more advanced than we previously assumed.
While working on a typical dig in New Mexico, Dr. Jacob Turner from the university of Nebraska uncovered what appears to be a stone wheel that may have been used to cart human beings around in a primitive form of automobile very similar to the automobiles that were used by the Flintsones on the popular Hanna Barbera cartoon show.

Dr.Jacob Turner is shown here with his famou s”Flintstone” wheel close to where it was uncovered.

“I have little doubt that this stone wheel was used to transport primitive people around much in the same way the Flintstones were portrayed in the popular cartoon series.” Dr. Turner told The National Reporter.
“I agree.” His colleague Dr. Femmer added. “We have suspected that prehistoric man was more advanced than previously thought. This is evidenced by the discovery of the monolith in Belize south America a few years ago in the Yucatan peninsula.”

prehistoric monolith discovered in Belize

The National Reporter “Wasn’t there some type of dwelling found around here that was very similar to the Flintstone house?”
“Yes there was, Dr. Turner said. “It was found two miles from our present location in the late 1950’s and may have been the inspiration for the cartoon series.”

Was this prehistoric dwelling the inspiration for the Flintstones cartoon show?

The National Reporter “So what you are saying is the creators of the Flintstones may have borrowed the idea from actual prehistoric artifacts?”
“That is correct.”
The National Reporter “Do you think this discovery will have any effect on how the public views the television series now that it has been established to have been factual?”
“I don’t know.” Dr. Turner replied.
The National Reporter will keep our readers updated on any new developments as this story unfolds.

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Dog eats peanut butter weiner, owner upset

Oh boy,..peanut butter!

The National Reporter
Jack Bellington of Albany NY was sitting home alone last July 6th after his wife and kids went to the movies.
He was feeling kind of mischievous in a perverted sort of way and decided that he was going to take advantage of the family’s new Labrador puppy, Tessy.
“I figured what the hell,.no one is home so um,.. you know,..heh,heh” he said.
“So I went to the kitchen and got out a jar of peanut butter and pulled out my John Henry and smeared some on it, then I called the dog.
He came in a second later wagging his tail and I was standing there wagging my peanut butter covered,..unit.”
The National Reporter -What happened then?
“Well He stood up on his hind legs when he smelled the peanut butter, then he licked a little off.
“Hell,.. I thought it was the funniest thing I ever saw, then all of a sudden the little bastard chomped down as hard as he could and it was gone!”
The National Reporter– It was gone?
“Yeah,..my damned crank was gone. The damned dog bit it off and he was chomping it down as fast as he could.
Before I knew what was happening it was gone.”
The National Reporter– That’s awful, but it is kind of funny.
“I don’t think it’s funny and neither does my wife. She’s not too happy at all, let me tell you.”
The National Reporter– What did you do after the dog bit it off?
“I called the ambulance, what do you think I did? Hell, I was bleeding to death.
The next day me and the kids followed the dog around waiting for him to you know,..pass it.
But it was no good, it wasn’t like the dog ate a gold ring or something like that.
He digested it and pooped it out.”
The National Reporter– What are you going to do now?
“Well,.. the doctors said they are going to insert a tube so I can go to the bathroom, but as far as any other activity’s, I’m finished.”
A tragic story indeed.
We here at the The National Reporter would like to stress to our readers that smearing your privates with peanut butter or any type of food to entice an animal to lick it off is very dangerous and should only be attempted by a trained professional.

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