Kim Jong Un livid after vandalism!

After months of tense stand-offs with the United States over the flying penis crisis, the slowly brewing peace process has come to a lurching halt with renewed hostilities in a flurry of screaming and window smashing from the office of Kim Jong Un, North Korea’s permanent tyrannical despot.

After months of diplomatic maneuvering including the exchange of money,prostitutes and weapons courtesy of the Obama administration, it has been revealed to The National Reporter that the U.S. government hasn’t been as effective in dealing with North Korea’s Dear Leaders as one American motorcycle gang.
After learning about the flying penis crisis from reading the exclusive story here in The National Reporter The feared “Asphalt Avengers M.C.” decided to lean on the despot their own way.

Asphalt Avengers M.C.

The feared Asphalt Avengers M.C. is seen here in front of their clubhouse. They are simultaneously “Flipping the bird” at Kim Jong Un in a defiant act of disrespect for the North Korean leader.

Dear Leader, Kim Jong Un spoke to The National Reporter in his usual manner.
We met with him on a cold rainy morning next to the huge wall that was constructed by his grandfather to keep out the decadent Westerners and their enticing products.
The National Reporter – Hello,..Kim Jong Un,..are you there?
We waited for a few minutes for a reply, but there was none.
The National Reporter – Oh great leader who created the heaven and the Earth,..will you speak with us humble peasants?
We waited a few more minutes then a voice called out from the other side of the wall.
Kim Jong Un – Who there,.. What you want?
The National Reporter – Is that you dear leader?
Kim Jong Un – Who want to know,..what you selling?
The National Reporter – We are not trying to sell anything.
We are from the National Reporter. We want to ask you about the recent problem you had with the American motorcycle gang, The Asphalt Avengers.
Kim Jong Un – Those guys mess with wrong guy!
The National Reporter – Yes,..Can you tell us what they did that has angered you so much?

We waited a few minutes as Kim Jong Un spoke to his huddled advisors.
Unfortunately none of us can understand North Korean so everything they were saying was Greek to us.
After a few minutes Kim Jong Un called over to us.
Kim Jong Un – Hey,..you still there?
The National Reporter – Yes,..we are still here. Can you tell us what the Asphalt Avengers did that has made you walk away from the flying penis peace table in a fit of rage?
Kim Jong Un – O.K., I tell you.

It was at this point in our meeting that one of our staff members was able to sneak a peek through a crack in the wall and for brief second he was able to see the tyrannical despot.
He was sitting in a throne carried by several army soldiers.
He was grossly over weight and completely naked except for a yellow rain hat.
He had paused speaking for a few seconds as he stuffed a McDonald’s cheeseburger into his mouth.
Kim Jong Un – Those bastards,..those contemptible bastards!
They vandalized the great golden robot statues of Pyongyang!
The National Reporter – Do you mean the statues of your father and grandfather?
Kim Jong Un – Look what they did!
We waited a few seconds, then we spotted a photograph that was being pushed through a crack in the wall.
After a few seconds it finally fell to the ground on our side.
When we picked it up and saw what it was, we were shocked.

Horrific scene at Kim memorial

The notorious Asphalt Avengers M.C. desecrated one of North Korea’s most sacred sites with this obscene statue that the motorcycle ruffians dubbed, “Micky Dick.” The North Koreans are infuriated and threatening war with the United States.

The National Reporter – Are you saying the Asphalt Avengers M.C. erected a huge statue of Micky mouse in between the great golden statues of Pyongyang?
How were they able to do this without anyone seeing them?
Kim Jong Un – How I know? I not know how they did this, they did it and we mad as hell!
The National Reporter – Why don’t you just lift it out with a crane and carry it away?
Kim Jong Un – We no can do. Asphalt Avengers very clever.
You look at photograph we give you.
Right hand of big mouse is welded to grandfather and ear is welded to father.
To make really hard remove, mouse is bolted to concrete with twenty foot long bolts made of titanium. We no have technology to cut titanium.

The National Reporter – Well that sucks.
Kim Jong Un – Yes,..is sucks.

When we got back to the U.S. we contacted the infamous Asphalt Avengers M.C.
They were not repentant for their crimes against the peoples republic of North Korea.
On the contrary, they thought what they did was funny.
We even showed them the photograph given to us by Kim Jong Un himself and they passed it around to their kids.
They were all laughing, it was disgusting.
Hopefully the mass media will continue to keep this vile act blacked out from the public like they have been doing with all the rapes and murders occurring across Europe by the unmentionables.

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Idiot buries himself up to his neck on parents front lawn

16 year old Carl Johnson seen here buried up to his neck on his parents front lawn.

16 year old Carl Johnson seen here buried up to his neck on his parents front lawn.

The National Reporter

16 year old Carl Johnson of Boise Idaho was discovered buried up to his neck in a hole that was dug in his parents front lawn last week.
This reporter went to his home to find out why he did this.
The National Reporter – Hi Carl, my name is Ace Flashman, I am a reporter for The National Reporter.
Carl Johnson –“Hi Mr. Flashman.”
The National Reporter – Hello Carl. Can you tell me why you did this?
Carl Johnson –“Why did I do what?”
The National Reporter – Why did you bury yourself like this?
Carl Johnson –“I don’t know.”
The National Reporter – You don’t know?
Carl Johnson –“Nuh uh, I just felt like it I guess.”
The National Reporter – Did you do this as a form of protest.
Carl Johnson –“I don’t know, ..maybe,..yea,..that’s why I did it.”
The National Reporter – What are you protesting and how is burying yourself up to the neck getting your point across?
Carl Johnson –“I don’t know.”
The National Reporter – You must have some idea why you did this. What are you protesting?
Carl Johnson –“Ummm,.. school?”
The National Reporter – You are protesting school? Did something happen to you at school?
Carl Johnson –“I don’t know,..I guess so.”
The National Reporter – What happened to you at school that would make you do something like this?
Carl Johnson –“I don’t know.”
The National Reporter – Does this have something to do with a girl you like?
Carl Johnson –“well,,.umm.,..yea.”
The National Reporter – How is burying yourself up to your neck relevant to your crush on a girl at school?
Carl Johnson –“I don’t know,..I want her to like me I guess. What does relevant mean?”
The National Reporter – How is this going to make her like you?
Carl Johnson –“She will think I look cool and fall in love with me.”
The National Reporter – Really?
Carl Johnson –“yeah, I am afraid to talk to her so I figured if I buried myself up to my neck she would like me.”

As he was speaking his father walked out of the house and approached me.
“Who are you? He asked.
The National Reporter – Hello sir, My name is Ace Flashman. I am a reporter for The
National Reporter.
“Awwww,..geeez! Your a reporter!?”
The National Reporter – That’s right. I am here to interview your son.
“Awww,..geez,..the press!?” He groaned. “Look pal, can’t we just let this one go?”
The National Reporter – Excuse me?
“Come on, buddy. This whole affair has been extremely embarrassing for our family, can’t you just let this slide and go report something else?”
Carl Johnson – Dad,..can you bring me a sandwich?
The National Reporter – I am sorry Mr. Johnson, but I have to follow my nose and report news that is of interest to our readers. Besides, there are no good news stories for me to pursue at the moment.
Awww, geeez,..can’t you just make something up?”
The National Reporter – Make something up? You have to be kidding. The National Reporter has a spotless reputation for reporting the truth and nothing but the truth. We would never make up some silly story.
That sort of nonsense is beneith us.
Did you know that the National Reporter has been the recipient of the renowned Seal of honesty award from the International Reporters association for truthfulness, honesty and integrity?
Do you really think I would compromise that honor just for the sake of making up some ridiculous story?
Carl Johnson – Hey Dad,..can you bring the TV set out here? This is boring.
“I know your fine news service has an impeccable reputation, but can’t you please find something else to write about?
This whole episode has been very humiliating for us. We are getting crank telephone calls for the past week, people asking to talk to Carl. They know he can’t get out of the hole. They are just trying to be funny.”

Carl Johnson –what time is it, dad?
“It’s ten to three,..idiot.”
Carl Johnson – OH NO!
The National Reporter – What’s wrong Carl?
Carl Johnson – The grade school down the street lets out at three and all the little kids walk by and say stuff to me.
yesterday they drew glasses on my face with a red magic marker.
The National Reporter – Well that was certainly a mean thing to do.
“Aw geez,..what do you expect?” Carl’s dad said. “Your making an ass out of yourself, of course they are going to tease you,..idiot!”

As he was speaking my cell phone rang. It was an urgent message from The National Reporters head office.
Geologists in Florida had uncovered a thirty seven foot long specimen of petrified dinosaur scat and they wanted me to cover the story.
The National Reporter – I have to leave right away on urgent business.
“Oh thank goodness.” Mr. Johnson said with a sigh of relief. “Does that mean you won’t report this story in The National Reporter?
The National Reporter – No. I will write it on my lap top and send it to my editor while I am on the plane.
Carl Johnson –Is there something crawling up the back of my neck? Hey Dad,..can you see if there is a bug on my neck?
“Thanks a lot, Ace.” Carl’s Dad groaned. I can’t wait to read it.”

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“We teach you lesson America!” Kim Jong Un orders the construction of huge flying vengence penis

Korean despot Kim Jong Un is seen here cavorting with his blood thirsty henchmen watching the construction of the massive flying penis they plan to unleash on America.

Korean despot Kim Jong Un is seen here cavorting with his blood thirsty henchmen reading The National Reporters news story about the giant floating penis over North Korea. “Look, it my picture!” Kim Jong Un giggled excitedly.

The National Reporter

A few months ago The National Reporter informed our readers about the latest sighting of the notorious flying penis  over North Korea which outraged the chubby Despot, Kim Jong Un.
It is rumored that his recent disappearance from the public eye had something to with an emergency meeting he had ordered to exact revenge against the United State of America.
His threat to destroy America was aired on Korean television and seen by nearly one hundred people who have earned enough privilege to own television sets in that glorious peoples republic.
The CIA reported that it is highly likely that Kim Jong Un was indeed intending to follow through with his threat and was organizing the construction of a massive weapon in a remote area north of the 38th parallel.
When the word reached Washington the chiefs of staff ordered proof that he was intended to carry out this threat.

An American aerial reconnaissance plane snapped this horrifying image last week while on a highly classified fly over of the Communist nation.

Korean threat

Is this a giant flying penis that the North Korean madman is planning to launch on America?
The National Reporter was given a copy of this highly classified photograph for analysis by our science department who earned the respect of the Institute of science in Washington for their development of The Ghost-o-vision scope.
Our team of scientists used a special photographic process that allows them to magnify photographic images so that they could get a better look at the suspected flying penis and present the results to our loyal readers.

Close up shot

The National Reporters enhanced photograph clearly shows what appears to be a giant penis under construction on a remote North Korea military facility.
The Pentagon has secretly dispatched a fleet of anti missile cruisers and several submarines to protect our shores from giant sinister flying penises from North Korea in case Kim Jong Un decides to unleash his revenge.
General Bosco Stevens has contacted Kim Jon Un and issued a dire warning to him stating that the United States will not tolerate an invasion of our air space by flying penis’s or any other obscene flying objects intended to shock and horrify the American public.

Keep reading The National Reporter for any developments on this crisis.

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Origin of the mysterious electronic tooth implant has been revealed!

The truth about the baffling electronic tooth implant has shocked the scientific community

The truth about the baffling electronic tooth implant has shocked the scientific community

The National Reporter
Shocking news concerning the mysterious electronic tooth implant that was reported in The National Reporter five years ago has finally been revealed.

Electronic implant discovered in mans tooth”

The origin and the method in which it was inserted into Wally Hansons tooth has been discovered by a scientific team of forensic experts in Washington DC.
The National Reporter was on hand when the news of the discovery was announced.
The National Reporter – How did you discover the secret of the electronic tooth implant?
The person we had begun interviewing at this time was obviously unaware of who was speaking to him.
“And who might I ask wants to know?”
The National Reporter – Pardon me professor, I should have introduced myself.
My name is Ace Flashman, I am a reporter for The National Reporter.
“Ah yes, the National Reporter.” He said with a smile. “One of the most reliable sources of the latest scientific discovery’s anywhere and the winner of the International Reporters Association award for honesty, integrity and truthfulness in journalism.”
The National Reporter – That’s right professor. We at The National Reporter do our best to bring the truth to the public, unlike the tabloids who sell ridiculous lies to them to make a quick buck.”
“Yes, I find The National Reporters reputation for honesty, integrity and truthfulness very reassuring when I need to do important research that could have dire consequences for the world if it was inaccurate.”
The National Reporter – That’s right professor. We at The National Reporter go that extra ten yards to make sure our readers are getting nothing but facts on the issues that are effecting the world today.
“Don’t you mean nine yards?”
The National Reporter – We here at The National Reporter like to think that we go an extra yard for our loyal readers because they are worth the effort.
“That is a very noble outlook.” The professor said. “That is why you won the award for Honesty, integrity and truthfulness in journalism.”
The National Reporter – Yes, that is correct. And we won it a second time this year as you can see when you read our webpage.
“Well, I must say that you certainly deserve it.” he said.
The National Reporter – Why, thank you professor. That means a lot coming from such a distinguished gentleman as yourself.
“I am not alone in my opinion of your fine news service.” He said. “All of us here at the scientific institute are avid readers of The National Reporter and look forward to your latest reports.”
The National Reporter – Why, thank you again Professor. That is quite a complement coming from a loyal reader and a person of your stature.

Now professor, we understand that you and the scientific team here at the science institute have discovered the origin of the electronic implant in the tooth and also how it was inserted, is this true?
“Yes.”
The National Reporter – That is really news. What was the reactrion of your team when they made the discovery?
“Most of us were shocked, yet the discovery had a calming effect on the members of the team.” he said.
The National Reporter – I could imagine it would have been quite a relief to everyone involved in such a lengthy research project to finally come to a conclusion solving the mystery.
“Yes, it was. It was a much needed relief.” He said. “The team and I were on the verge of calling it quits several times over the past few years. At times it became very frustrating as theory after theory fell apart and we had to start all over from the beginning.”
The National Reporter – Yes, I can understand why that would be frustrating.
“At first the discovery seemed so far fetched that none of us believed and we nearly dropped it to explore other possibilitys.”
The National Reporter – It’s a good thing you decided to continue on the theory that led your team to the truth.
“Yes, that is correct.” He said.
The National Reporter – How has this discovery impacted the scientific community?
“It has had quite an impact, especially in the field involving the technology of the implant and the method in which it was inserted into the mans tooth.”
The National Reporter – I bet it has. Have you contacted Wally Hanson with the news yet?
“Yes, We have.” The professor said.
The National Reporter – Was he as surprised as you and your team?
“Yes, he was. He was stunned when we told him what it was and how it ended up in his tooth without his knowledge of how it got there or what it was.”
The National Reporter – Who wouldn’t be stunned to find out something like that?
“Ha,ha,..not many people that I can think of.” The professor laughed.
The National Reporter – Well, thank you for your time Professor. Our readers will be excited when they find out that the mystery has been solved.
“I am sure they will.” he said.

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The flying penis invades North Korea, Kim Jong-un threatens to destroy America!

The horrific abomination floated into view of the people as they were worshiping the giant golden communist Gods.

The horrific abomination floated into view of the people as they were watching the giant dancing golden robot show.

The National Reporter
The mysterious flying penis which was first sighted over Pittsburgh Pennsylvania few years ago has floated clear across Europe and into Asia where it has reappeared over the peoples republic of North Korea unleashing a storm of threats and war.
“They do this to make angry North Korea!” President Kim Jong-un said after he had personally witnessed the disgusting floating object.

Looky looky,..what that floating over there? Oh no! it giant flying wang!!

Looky looky,..what that floating over there? Oh no! it giant flying wang!!

The National Reporter – is prohibited from visiting North Korea because of our policy of always telling the truth in our news reports, however we were able to contact Kim Jong-un by shouting across the wall that the Communists put up to protect themselves from the evil capitalists in the South.
The National Reporter – Kim Jong-Un, are you there?
“Who want to know?”
The National Reporter – Mr. President, this is Ace Flashman from the National reporter.
“What you want?”
The National Reporter –I am doing a news story on the mysterious flying penis that floated into your country the other day.
“Mysterious floating what?”
The National Reporter – Penis, the mysterious floating penis.
“You mean giant wang?
The National Reporter – Yes, the giant wang.
“Oh,..that thing very evil. It scare girls and make them run away. Give many old women nightmares.”

A North Korean guard goose stepped over to me and handed me a packet that contained several photographs depicting the hysteria caused by the floating penis after it had violated North Korean airspace.
I opened the packet and glanced at the photos.
The first one was a group of young girls fleeing in terror from the floating abomination.

YIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!! Run for your life, it is a wang monster!

YIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!! Run for your life, it is Peno, the flying wang monster come to kill us!

The second one was an angry Army officer instructing his troops to shoot the penis down as soon as it floated in range of their weapons.
Unfortunately the floating penis drifted off in the opposite direction.

Hold you fire till it get close! Then we shoot!

Hold you fire till it get close!
Then we shoot!

The National Reporter –Where is the flying penis now, President Kim Jong-un?
“It still around someplace, me not know where.”He said. “I have given an order to all people to turn backs to flying wang. Ignore it. Do not look at it”
The National Reporter –Has then been succesful?
“So far no one is look at it.”

Order of the day; We no look at big disgusting frying wang. Turn back and no looky!

Order of the day; We no look at big disgusting frying wang. Turn back and no looky!

“Only people who looky are some girls. They think is funny and were making laughing at the wang.”
The National Reporter –What happened to them?
“Firing squad, they get shot in heads, go to great reward.”

Stupid girls, think is funy to laugh at giant flying wang that President Kim Jong-Un say not to looky at. Now they dead.

Stupid girls, think is funny to laugh at giant flying wang that President Kim Jong-Un say not to looky at. Now they dead.

Later that evening President Kim Jong-Un went on national television and proceed to unleash a tirade of threats and accusations at the Americans.
“You Americans have really made big mistake now!” he screamed. “Giant wang not funny, You pay, you see.
We build giant flying wang a hundred time bigger, send it to America, you see, We serious.
You be sorry for your crime against humanity. You a bunch of gangster criminals who ride horses and eat hotdogs all day long, you cowards!”

President Kim Jong -Un during his televised attack on America. He has promised quick retaliation against what he has called war crimes and crimes against humanity.

President Kim Jong -Un during his televised attack on America. He has promised quick retaliation against what he has called war crimes and crimes against humanity.

Hillary Clinton has been reported to be on her way to North Korea.
She is a regular visitor to Kim Jong-Uns private spa and luxury hotel for rich foreigners that Kim Jung-Un considers to be his allies in the struggle for world domination.

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Reporter

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Man lights fart, kills self and obliterates his house.

The National Reporter

A 36 year old Dayton Ohio man identified as Fred Freedman was playing with fire in his home last week and decided that it would be a good idea to ignite his flatulence.
Unfortunately he neglected to take into consideration the potency of the flammable gas he was about to expel after feasting on a huge Mexican dinner.
The result was horrific to say the least.

Here is an aerial photo of his home and the surrounding neighborhood after the explosion.

After hours of sifting through the ruins of his home, investigators could find no trace of Mr. Stuarts body.

After hours of sifting through the ruins of his home, investigators could find no trace of Mr. Freedman’s body.


Residents of this small suburb of Dayton were awoken to the terrible explosion in the early hours of May 13 as Mr.Freedman was amusing hundreds of viewers on Facebook with his usual fire related hijinks.
“I was watching Flaming Freddy, as he called himself on his Facebook account, doing one of his fire tricks when he stood up with a huge excited grin on his face and said, “Watch this!” He spun around and dropped his pants and exposed his naked rear end to perhaps a few hundred thousand viewers.” Jimmy Burke explained. “I watched in astonishment as he brought his hand around to his anus and flicked on a butane lighter.
He grunted a few times as his viewers waited for it.
I kind of expected him to have diarrhea, you know, the way people usually fail when they do something like this with their farts.
Especially with thousands of people watching.
I believe it is called a “shart.”
A second later the sound of a long windy fart came out of my speakers. Then there was a flash of bright light and the signal was gone, the screen went blank.”
The National Reporter – What did you think when you found out what happened to him?
“Well, I was shocked when I saw the photographs of his house on the news. He was a funny fellow and I am devastated by the news of his untimely death. I mean, he was just trying to make people laugh and this had to happen to him. It’s just not right, not right at all, damn it.”

Fred (Flaming Freddy of Facebook fame) Freedman is seen here performing one of his hysterical fire tricks for his Facebook fans. This particular stunt landed him in the hospital for seven weeks where he had to endure hundreds of hours of painful skin grafts.

Fred (Flaming Freddy of Facebook fame) Freedman is seen here performing one of his hysterical fire tricks for his Facebook fans.
This particular stunt landed him in the hospital for seven weeks where he had to endure hundreds of hours of extremely painful skin grafts.

The fire department battled the fire for hours while rescuing shocked and terrified people from their homes.
The National Reporter – What was your first thought when you arrived on the scene?
“I just assumed that a boiler had exploded or maybe someone was building a big bomb in their basement and it blew up.”
The National Reporter – What did you think when you found out that it was the result of a prankster lighting his farts?
“Amazed. I mean come on,.. a fart did all this? I am absolutely amazed. Let me tell you this, from now on I am staying away from open fire when I am gassy.”

Holy crap! A fart did all this?

Holy crap! A fart did all this?


The damage has been estimated to be in the millions and the insurance company’s are already calling it an act of God to avoid compensating the victims.
Instead they are raising their premiums for all the residences in the community claiming that the neighborhood is now a dangerously high risk area because of all the people lighting their farts and blowing up their houses.

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TSA officers angry over new X-ray glasses

TSA officers are not happy with the new X-ray glasses that enable them to see through clothing eliminating the need to search people with their hands.

TSA officers are not happy with the new X-ray glasses that enable them to see through clothing.

The National Reporter
TSA officers across the country are livid over the new X-ray glasses they have been issued that enable them to see right through clothing making it unnecessary for them to continue the practice of searching people with their hands.
“This sucks.” a TSA officer at JFK told us. “Why can’t we just go on checking the people the way we have been doing it, with our hands?”
The National Reporter – But isn’t it easier to search people with the new X-ray glasses?
“Well, yea. But it isn’t as much fun as the old way where we got to make sure the person wasn’t carrying a weapon.”
The National Reporter– Why is that?
The TSA agent nervously cleared his throat as his eyes darted around the room.
“I don’t know, It was just better.” He said.
“Now we can check the people without touching them.”another TSA agent said. “These x-ray glasses ruined this job for us.”
The National Reporter – They ruined your job? How did they do that?

Hubba,hubba! That's a some nice sausage you got there!

Hubba,hubba! That’s a some nice sausage you got there!

“The X-ray glasses ruined our job because, ummm,.” He stammered. “They just did, that’s all. No one should feel safe when they get on the plane now thanks to these damned X-ray glasses.”
The National Reporter – But now you can see at a glance without even touching anyone if they have a weapon on them.
“I don’t trust them.” a TSA Sargent explained. “Maybe the terrorists will invent a new type of invisible hang gun or knife or something. If they do how will we be able to detect them without feeling people up for a weapon?”
“Hey yeah,..that’s right. How would we be able to see some sort of invisible terrorist weapon with X-ray glasses?” Another TSA officer asked.

Oh my,.. what do you have down there?

Oh my,.. what do you have down there?


The National Reporter – So you are concerned that terrorist are going to invent invisible weapons and sneak them right past you because your won’t be able to see them with your x-ray glasses?
“Umm,.. O.K. I mean,.. yeah, that’s right.” The Sargent said. “It is necessary to feel for weapons that may be undetectable with these silly x-ray glasses.
“I agree.” Another TSA agent said. “I would feel a lot better if I knew for sure that no one was sneaking anything invisible and dangerous on board the planes.”
We better make sure he isn't hiding an invisible rifle in any of his body cavity's.

We better make sure he isn’t hiding an invisible rifle in any of his body cavity’s.


“One thing that really angers me about these new x-ray glasses. Sex perverts will love these things because they can see right through clothing.”
The National Reporter -That’s right, but how would they get a hold of them?
“They would steal them us.” The Sargent said.
“Or buy them from,.. I mean yeah,.. they would steal them from us.” the other TSA agent said.