Dog eats peanut butter weiner, owner upset

Oh boy,..peanut butter!

The National Reporter
Jack Bellington of Albany NY was sitting home alone last July 6th after his wife and kids went to the movies.
He was feeling kind of mischievous in a perverted sort of way and decided that he was going to take advantage of the family’s new Labrador puppy, Tessy.
“I figured what the hell,.no one is home so um,.. you know,..heh,heh” he said.
“So I went to the kitchen and got out a jar of peanut butter and pulled out my John Henry and smeared some on it, then I called the dog.
He came in a second later wagging his tail and I was standing there wagging my peanut butter covered,..unit.”
The National Reporter -What happened then?
“Well He stood up on his hind legs when he smelled the peanut butter, then he licked a little off.
“Hell,.. I thought it was the funniest thing I ever saw, then all of a sudden the little bastard chomped down as hard as he could and it was gone!”
The National Reporter– It was gone?
“Yeah,..my damned crank was gone. The damned dog bit it off and he was chomping it down as fast as he could.
Before I knew what was happening it was gone.”
The National Reporter– That’s awful, but it is kind of funny.
“I don’t think it’s funny and neither does my wife. She’s not too happy at all, let me tell you.”
The National Reporter– What did you do after the dog bit it off?
“I called the ambulance, what do you think I did? Hell, I was bleeding to death.
The next day me and the kids followed the dog around waiting for him to you know,..pass it.
But it was no good, it wasn’t like the dog ate a gold ring or something like that.
He digested it and pooped it out.”
The National Reporter– What are you going to do now?
“Well,.. the doctors said they are going to insert a tube so I can go to the bathroom, but as far as any other activity’s, I’m finished.”
A tragic story indeed.
We here at the The National Reporter would like to stress to our readers that smearing your privates with peanut butter or any type of food to entice an animal to lick it off is very dangerous and should only be attempted by a trained professional.

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After seven month man hunt, FBI nabs notorious feces flinger

The National Reporter
For seven months the FBI has been conducting a nationwide search for the notorious feces flinger, a vile criminal who has been plaguing some of Hollywood biggest celebrities via the parcel post system.
The feces flinger sent packages containing a nasty surprise to such noted celebrities as Jay Leno,Jon Bon Jovi, Conan O’Brien and Matthew Perry.

"He got it worse than me" "No,..you got it worse."

“For the past seven months, the feces flinger harassed some of Hollywood’s most famous personality’s” regional FBI director Harold Effington told us.
“His M.O. was sending a package containing human waste to celebritys. When they opened the package, a spring loaded platform in the box would discharge a few pounds of excrement into their faces. The result was disgusting and traumatic.”
The National Reporter That is quite diabolical. Is the suspect a criminal genius or just a clever prankster?
“He’s just some punk kid with too much time on his hands, that’s all.”

The National Reporter went to the home of Jay Leno for an exclusive interview.
The National Reporter Mr. Leno,..we understand you have been victimized by the notorious feces flinger. Can you tell us what happened?
“It began about four months ago in June.” he said “I received a package at my front door from an unidentified person. The name on the package was ‘Felice Flingaur’ as I recall.
I had no idea what was inside since I had not ordered anything.
I opened the package not suspecting anything was going to happen.
As soon as I cut through the tape, WHAM!!!
I was plastered with a huge wad of mushy gooey substance full in the face.
An instant later the stink filled my nostrils and I knew what it was.
I could’t believe it, I was absolutely grossed out.
I ran blindly for the bathroom gagging and vomiting all the way.
When I reached the shower I turned it on full blast and washed the disgusting mess from my face.”
The National Reporter It must have been awful.

Why me?

“You can say that again. I was sick to my stomach for hours after the attack. I had to hire a special clean up crew to take care of the mess while I stayed at a friends house.”
The National Reporter How do you feel now that the culprit has been apprehended?
“I hope they put him away for a long time.”

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Man who grew flower with huge eye ball now has a South American feces tree in his front yard!

Barry Lundgartens fabulous South American fece’s tree is annoying the neighbors.

The National Reporter
Harry Lundgarten, the man who wowed the judges at the international flower show two years ago with his amazing eyeball flower, is once again striving for the unique and unusual with his incredible South American fece’s tree.
“I got this beauty last summer when it was still a seedling, look how big it got since then!”
The tree had grown from a four-foot seedling into a full blooming thirty foot tall monster in his front yard.
“He has some nerve growing that disgusting thing in his front yard like that.” Angry neighbor Jim Gummly said.
“That is no ordinary tree.” He grunted. “For Gods sake, it drops poop all over the place and it stinks to high heaven!”
Actually it doesn’t really drop poop, it drops thick brown globs of sap during the spring that resembles human feces because of the color, shape and pungent odor.
People walking past the tree should be careful or they may end up with a wad on their heads as the tree seems to lie in wait for a victim.

“The big tree made a stinky poo poo on me.” Cindy Johnson told us.

“Two years ago Harry became the town hero when he won first prize at the international flower show with his weird flowers with the eye balls.” Mary Timms told us.

Harrys bizzare award winning eye ball flower

I see you!

“Back then we all admired him even though his flowers gave everyone the creeps. The damned eye ball followed you everywhere.” Mary told us. “At least they didn’t stink the whole town up like this damned tree.”
Kathelene Waters was steaming mad when The National Reporter went to her house to get her opinion on the tree.
“I parked my car in front of the tree for five minutes while I was running an errand for a friend, and look what the damned thing did!”

Kathelen Waters car was covered with the repugnant sap from the feces tree in a matter of minutes.

“Harry better do something about that damned tree.” she said “Or one day he’s going to wake up and find a stump on his front lawn.”

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Rapper Kanye West #1 suspect in empire state building feces fiasco

The observation deck of the empire state building attracts thousands of visitors a week.

The National Reporter

Rapper Kanye West who is best known for his compulsion to upstage celebritys with ourageous interruptions is suspected of defecating high atop the empire state building on the observation deck.
“I saw him walking away from the area where it ( the poop) was discovered and he was pulling his pants up, you should have seen the look on his face when I snapped his picture,” Harvey Lowell said.
Mr. Lowell gave The National Reporter a copy of his famous photograph so that we could share it with our readers.

Kanye West is seen here fleeing the scene of the crime while quickly pulling up his trousers.

The National Reporter is not going to say he is guilty of public defecation or not since we are not in the business of starting rumors or making things up, but after examining the photograph it becomes very clear why the NYPD considers Kanye West the number one suspect in the case.
The fece’s was removed early this morning by the special investigations unit and is expected to be flown to Washington for a full analysis in the FBI’s forensics lab.

NYPD taping off the scene of the crime.

The reason why kanye West is the number one suspect in this case isn’t just because of the damning evidence and the photograph.
It is because he has done this sort of thing before.
In November 2008 he urinated on his dressing floor at the MTV awards show in England.

Kanye West pee’s on dressing room floor

The NYPD and the FBI have asked for any witnesses to come forward who may have seen who is responsible for this filthy act of vandalisim.
Your name and address will be held in the strictest confidence.

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