Kim Jong Un livid after vandalism!

After months of tense stand-offs with the United States over the flying penis crisis, the slowly brewing peace process has come to a lurching halt with renewed hostilities in a flurry of screaming and window smashing from the office of Kim Jong Un, North Korea’s permanent tyrannical despot.

After months of diplomatic maneuvering including the exchange of money,prostitutes and weapons courtesy of the Obama administration, it has been revealed to The National Reporter that the U.S. government hasn’t been as effective in dealing with North Korea’s Dear Leaders as one American motorcycle gang.
After learning about the flying penis crisis from reading the exclusive story here in The National Reporter The feared “Asphalt Avengers M.C.” decided to lean on the despot their own way.

Asphalt Avengers M.C.

The feared Asphalt Avengers M.C. is seen here in front of their clubhouse. They are simultaneously “Flipping the bird” at Kim Jong Un in a defiant act of disrespect for the North Korean leader.

Dear Leader, Kim Jong Un spoke to The National Reporter in his usual manner.
We met with him on a cold rainy morning next to the huge wall that was constructed by his grandfather to keep out the decadent Westerners and their enticing products.
The National Reporter – Hello,..Kim Jong Un,..are you there?
We waited for a few minutes for a reply, but there was none.
The National Reporter – Oh great leader who created the heaven and the Earth,..will you speak with us humble peasants?
We waited a few more minutes then a voice called out from the other side of the wall.
Kim Jong Un – Who there,.. What you want?
The National Reporter – Is that you dear leader?
Kim Jong Un – Who want to know,..what you selling?
The National Reporter – We are not trying to sell anything.
We are from the National Reporter. We want to ask you about the recent problem you had with the American motorcycle gang, The Asphalt Avengers.
Kim Jong Un – Those guys mess with wrong guy!
The National Reporter – Yes,..Can you tell us what they did that has angered you so much?

We waited a few minutes as Kim Jong Un spoke to his huddled advisors.
Unfortunately none of us can understand North Korean so everything they were saying was Greek to us.
After a few minutes Kim Jong Un called over to us.
Kim Jong Un – Hey,..you still there?
The National Reporter – Yes,..we are still here. Can you tell us what the Asphalt Avengers did that has made you walk away from the flying penis peace table in a fit of rage?
Kim Jong Un – O.K., I tell you.

It was at this point in our meeting that one of our staff members was able to sneak a peek through a crack in the wall and for brief second he was able to see the tyrannical despot.
He was sitting in a throne carried by several army soldiers.
He was grossly over weight and completely naked except for a yellow rain hat.
He had paused speaking for a few seconds as he stuffed a McDonald’s cheeseburger into his mouth.
Kim Jong Un – Those bastards,..those contemptible bastards!
They vandalized the great golden robot statues of Pyongyang!
The National Reporter – Do you mean the statues of your father and grandfather?
Kim Jong Un – Look what they did!
We waited a few seconds, then we spotted a photograph that was being pushed through a crack in the wall.
After a few seconds it finally fell to the ground on our side.
When we picked it up and saw what it was, we were shocked.

Horrific scene at Kim memorial

The notorious Asphalt Avengers M.C. desecrated one of North Korea’s most sacred sites with this obscene statue that the motorcycle ruffians dubbed, “Micky Dick.” The North Koreans are infuriated and threatening war with the United States.

The National Reporter – Are you saying the Asphalt Avengers M.C. erected a huge statue of Micky mouse in between the great golden statues of Pyongyang?
How were they able to do this without anyone seeing them?
Kim Jong Un – How I know? I not know how they did this, they did it and we mad as hell!
The National Reporter – Why don’t you just lift it out with a crane and carry it away?
Kim Jong Un – We no can do. Asphalt Avengers very clever.
You look at photograph we give you.
Right hand of big mouse is welded to grandfather and ear is welded to father.
To make really hard remove, mouse is bolted to concrete with twenty foot long bolts made of titanium. We no have technology to cut titanium.

The National Reporter – Well that sucks.
Kim Jong Un – Yes,..is sucks.

When we got back to the U.S. we contacted the infamous Asphalt Avengers M.C.
They were not repentant for their crimes against the peoples republic of North Korea.
On the contrary, they thought what they did was funny.
We even showed them the photograph given to us by Kim Jong Un himself and they passed it around to their kids.
They were all laughing, it was disgusting.
Hopefully the mass media will continue to keep this vile act blacked out from the public like they have been doing with all the rapes and murders occurring across Europe by the unmentionables.

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“We teach you lesson America!” Kim Jong Un orders the construction of huge flying vengence penis

Korean despot Kim Jong Un is seen here cavorting with his blood thirsty henchmen watching the construction of the massive flying penis they plan to unleash on America.

Korean despot Kim Jong Un is seen here cavorting with his blood thirsty henchmen reading The National Reporters news story about the giant floating penis over North Korea. “Look, it my picture!” Kim Jong Un giggled excitedly.

The National Reporter

A few months ago The National Reporter informed our readers about the latest sighting of the notorious flying penis  over North Korea which outraged the chubby Despot, Kim Jong Un.
It is rumored that his recent disappearance from the public eye had something to with an emergency meeting he had ordered to exact revenge against the United State of America.
His threat to destroy America was aired on Korean television and seen by nearly one hundred people who have earned enough privilege to own television sets in that glorious peoples republic.
The CIA reported that it is highly likely that Kim Jong Un was indeed intending to follow through with his threat and was organizing the construction of a massive weapon in a remote area north of the 38th parallel.
When the word reached Washington the chiefs of staff ordered proof that he was intended to carry out this threat.

An American aerial reconnaissance plane snapped this horrifying image last week while on a highly classified fly over of the Communist nation.

Korean threat

Is this a giant flying penis that the North Korean madman is planning to launch on America?
The National Reporter was given a copy of this highly classified photograph for analysis by our science department who earned the respect of the Institute of science in Washington for their development of The Ghost-o-vision scope.
Our team of scientists used a special photographic process that allows them to magnify photographic images so that they could get a better look at the suspected flying penis and present the results to our loyal readers.

Close up shot

The National Reporters enhanced photograph clearly shows what appears to be a giant penis under construction on a remote North Korea military facility.
The Pentagon has secretly dispatched a fleet of anti missile cruisers and several submarines to protect our shores from giant sinister flying penises from North Korea in case Kim Jong Un decides to unleash his revenge.
General Bosco Stevens has contacted Kim Jon Un and issued a dire warning to him stating that the United States will not tolerate an invasion of our air space by flying penis’s or any other obscene flying objects intended to shock and horrify the American public.

Keep reading The National Reporter for any developments on this crisis.

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The flying penis invades North Korea, Kim Jong-un threatens to destroy America!

The horrific abomination floated into view of the people as they were worshiping the giant golden communist Gods.

The horrific abomination floated into view of the people as they were watching the giant dancing golden robot show.

The National Reporter
The mysterious flying penis which was first sighted over Pittsburgh Pennsylvania few years ago has floated clear across Europe and into Asia where it has reappeared over the peoples republic of North Korea unleashing a storm of threats and war.
“They do this to make angry North Korea!” President Kim Jong-un said after he had personally witnessed the disgusting floating object.

Looky looky,..what that floating over there? Oh no! it giant flying wang!!

Looky looky,..what that floating over there? Oh no! it giant flying wang!!

The National Reporter – is prohibited from visiting North Korea because of our policy of always telling the truth in our news reports, however we were able to contact Kim Jong-un by shouting across the wall that the Communists put up to protect themselves from the evil capitalists in the South.
The National Reporter – Kim Jong-Un, are you there?
“Who want to know?”
The National Reporter – Mr. President, this is Ace Flashman from the National reporter.
“What you want?”
The National Reporter –I am doing a news story on the mysterious flying penis that floated into your country the other day.
“Mysterious floating what?”
The National Reporter – Penis, the mysterious floating penis.
“You mean giant wang?
The National Reporter – Yes, the giant wang.
“Oh,..that thing very evil. It scare girls and make them run away. Give many old women nightmares.”

A North Korean guard goose stepped over to me and handed me a packet that contained several photographs depicting the hysteria caused by the floating penis after it had violated North Korean airspace.
I opened the packet and glanced at the photos.
The first one was a group of young girls fleeing in terror from the floating abomination.

YIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!! Run for your life, it is a wang monster!

YIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!! Run for your life, it is Peno, the flying wang monster come to kill us!

The second one was an angry Army officer instructing his troops to shoot the penis down as soon as it floated in range of their weapons.
Unfortunately the floating penis drifted off in the opposite direction.

Hold you fire till it get close! Then we shoot!

Hold you fire till it get close!
Then we shoot!

The National Reporter –Where is the flying penis now, President Kim Jong-un?
“It still around someplace, me not know where.”He said. “I have given an order to all people to turn backs to flying wang. Ignore it. Do not look at it”
The National Reporter –Has then been succesful?
“So far no one is look at it.”

Order of the day; We no look at big disgusting frying wang. Turn back and no looky!

Order of the day; We no look at big disgusting frying wang. Turn back and no looky!

“Only people who looky are some girls. They think is funny and were making laughing at the wang.”
The National Reporter –What happened to them?
“Firing squad, they get shot in heads, go to great reward.”

Stupid girls, think is funy to laugh at giant flying wang that President Kim Jong-Un say not to looky at. Now they dead.

Stupid girls, think is funny to laugh at giant flying wang that President Kim Jong-Un say not to looky at. Now they dead.

Later that evening President Kim Jong-Un went on national television and proceed to unleash a tirade of threats and accusations at the Americans.
“You Americans have really made big mistake now!” he screamed. “Giant wang not funny, You pay, you see.
We build giant flying wang a hundred time bigger, send it to America, you see, We serious.
You be sorry for your crime against humanity. You a bunch of gangster criminals who ride horses and eat hotdogs all day long, you cowards!”

President Kim Jong -Un during his televised attack on America. He has promised quick retaliation against what he has called war crimes and crimes against humanity.

President Kim Jong -Un during his televised attack on America. He has promised quick retaliation against what he has called war crimes and crimes against humanity.

Hillary Clinton has been reported to be on her way to North Korea.
She is a regular visitor to Kim Jong-Uns private spa and luxury hotel for rich foreigners that Kim Jung-Un considers to be his allies in the struggle for world domination.

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Reporter

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Man lights fart, kills self and obliterates his house.

The National Reporter

A 36 year old Dayton Ohio man identified as Fred Freedman was playing with fire in his home last week and decided that it would be a good idea to ignite his flatulence.
Unfortunately he neglected to take into consideration the potency of the flammable gas he was about to expel after feasting on a huge Mexican dinner.
The result was horrific to say the least.

Here is an aerial photo of his home and the surrounding neighborhood after the explosion.

After hours of sifting through the ruins of his home, investigators could find no trace of Mr. Stuarts body.

After hours of sifting through the ruins of his home, investigators could find no trace of Mr. Freedman’s body.


Residents of this small suburb of Dayton were awoken to the terrible explosion in the early hours of May 13 as Mr.Freedman was amusing hundreds of viewers on Facebook with his usual fire related hijinks.
“I was watching Flaming Freddy, as he called himself on his Facebook account, doing one of his fire tricks when he stood up with a huge excited grin on his face and said, “Watch this!” He spun around and dropped his pants and exposed his naked rear end to perhaps a few hundred thousand viewers.” Jimmy Burke explained. “I watched in astonishment as he brought his hand around to his anus and flicked on a butane lighter.
He grunted a few times as his viewers waited for it.
I kind of expected him to have diarrhea, you know, the way people usually fail when they do something like this with their farts.
Especially with thousands of people watching.
I believe it is called a “shart.”
A second later the sound of a long windy fart came out of my speakers. Then there was a flash of bright light and the signal was gone, the screen went blank.”
The National Reporter – What did you think when you found out what happened to him?
“Well, I was shocked when I saw the photographs of his house on the news. He was a funny fellow and I am devastated by the news of his untimely death. I mean, he was just trying to make people laugh and this had to happen to him. It’s just not right, not right at all, damn it.”

Fred (Flaming Freddy of Facebook fame) Freedman is seen here performing one of his hysterical fire tricks for his Facebook fans. This particular stunt landed him in the hospital for seven weeks where he had to endure hundreds of hours of painful skin grafts.

Fred (Flaming Freddy of Facebook fame) Freedman is seen here performing one of his hysterical fire tricks for his Facebook fans.
This particular stunt landed him in the hospital for seven weeks where he had to endure hundreds of hours of extremely painful skin grafts.

The fire department battled the fire for hours while rescuing shocked and terrified people from their homes.
The National Reporter – What was your first thought when you arrived on the scene?
“I just assumed that a boiler had exploded or maybe someone was building a big bomb in their basement and it blew up.”
The National Reporter – What did you think when you found out that it was the result of a prankster lighting his farts?
“Amazed. I mean come on,.. a fart did all this? I am absolutely amazed. Let me tell you this, from now on I am staying away from open fire when I am gassy.”

Holy crap! A fart did all this?

Holy crap! A fart did all this?


The damage has been estimated to be in the millions and the insurance company’s are already calling it an act of God to avoid compensating the victims.
Instead they are raising their premiums for all the residences in the community claiming that the neighborhood is now a dangerously high risk area because of all the people lighting their farts and blowing up their houses.

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TSA officers angry over new X-ray glasses

TSA officers are not happy with the new X-ray glasses that enable them to see through clothing eliminating the need to search people with their hands.

TSA officers are not happy with the new X-ray glasses that enable them to see through clothing.

The National Reporter
TSA officers across the country are livid over the new X-ray glasses they have been issued that enable them to see right through clothing making it unnecessary for them to continue the practice of searching people with their hands.
“This sucks.” a TSA officer at JFK told us. “Why can’t we just go on checking the people the way we have been doing it, with our hands?”
The National Reporter – But isn’t it easier to search people with the new X-ray glasses?
“Well, yea. But it isn’t as much fun as the old way where we got to make sure the person wasn’t carrying a weapon.”
The National Reporter– Why is that?
The TSA agent nervously cleared his throat as his eyes darted around the room.
“I don’t know, It was just better.” He said.
“Now we can check the people without touching them.”another TSA agent said. “These x-ray glasses ruined this job for us.”
The National Reporter – They ruined your job? How did they do that?

Hubba,hubba! That's a some nice sausage you got there!

Hubba,hubba! That’s a some nice sausage you got there!

“The X-ray glasses ruined our job because, ummm,.” He stammered. “They just did, that’s all. No one should feel safe when they get on the plane now thanks to these damned X-ray glasses.”
The National Reporter – But now you can see at a glance without even touching anyone if they have a weapon on them.
“I don’t trust them.” a TSA Sargent explained. “Maybe the terrorists will invent a new type of invisible hang gun or knife or something. If they do how will we be able to detect them without feeling people up for a weapon?”
“Hey yeah,..that’s right. How would we be able to see some sort of invisible terrorist weapon with X-ray glasses?” Another TSA officer asked.

Oh my,.. what do you have down there?

Oh my,.. what do you have down there?


The National Reporter – So you are concerned that terrorist are going to invent invisible weapons and sneak them right past you because your won’t be able to see them with your x-ray glasses?
“Umm,.. O.K. I mean,.. yeah, that’s right.” The Sargent said. “It is necessary to feel for weapons that may be undetectable with these silly x-ray glasses.
“I agree.” Another TSA agent said. “I would feel a lot better if I knew for sure that no one was sneaking anything invisible and dangerous on board the planes.”
We better make sure he isn't hiding an invisible rifle in any of his body cavity's.

We better make sure he isn’t hiding an invisible rifle in any of his body cavity’s.


“One thing that really angers me about these new x-ray glasses. Sex perverts will love these things because they can see right through clothing.”
The National Reporter -That’s right, but how would they get a hold of them?
“They would steal them us.” The Sargent said.
“Or buy them from,.. I mean yeah,.. they would steal them from us.” the other TSA agent said.

Owner of sadistic teasing zoo; Ha, ha,..you can’t stop me.

A few years ago The National Reporter informed the world about a zoo in Portland, Oregon that is so horrendous and sadistic that most people refuse to believe that such a place can exist in today’s world.
Sadistic zoo angers animal rights groups
Well not only does it exist but the owner is laughing at the efforts of The National Reporter and our loyal readers in our attempt to shut them down with a petition.

Bob's teasing zoo is still in operation despite the attempts of The National Reporter and our readers to shut it down.

Bob’s teasing zoo is still in operation despite the attempts of The National Reporter and our readers to shut it down.


The National Reporter caught up with this criminal at his office in downtown Portland and interviewed him about his mocking attitude towards the few people who bothered to sign the online petition that would have put this exhibition of unspeakable animal cruelty to an end.
“No one cares, ha ha,..” he said. “No one gives a crap about these stupid animals because hardly anyone has signed that stupid petition.
In fact, I am going to get even more animals and make the fun and games ten times more cruel and painful to them. What are they going to do about it, sign a petition with ten signatures? Ahhh,ha,ha,ha!”
The National Reporter – You bastard!
“Shut up four eyes, I can do whatever I want and no one has the guts to stop me, they won’t even sign a stupid online petition. It’s too much work for them. Ha,ha,ha!
I think that most of them would rather come to my zoo and enjoy teasing the stupid animals like normal people anyway.”
The National Reporter – Is there no limit to your cruelty?
“No,..ha,ha,ha. Now get out of my way or I will sue you for interfering in my right to get rich torturing stupid animals.”
The National Reporter – You filthy bastard!
“Hey, watch your mouth four eyes, that’s slander!”

His next animal cruelty exhibition will be one where starving puppys and kittens are lured into very painful traps with bits of food that are tossed by sadistic zoo patrons.
“I should turn a good buck with this great idea.” Bob snickered.

We here at The National Reporter are urging our readers to please help shut down this evil bastards sadistic zoo.
All you have to do is take a minute to sign our petition.
Sign the petition to close down this evil establishment!

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Pawn stars Rick Harrison turns down billion dollar ring.

Rick Harrisons famous television pawn shop in Las Vegas.

Rick Harrisons famous television pawn shop in Las Vegas.

The National Reporter
On a recent episode of Pawn stars, the highly successful reality series about a family owned pawn shop in Las Vegas,  Rick Harrison the owner of the shop was offered the opportunity to buy what is perhaps the rarest and most historical ring in the world.
Dubbed Nero’s wedding ring when it was first presented to President Abraham Lincoln just two months before his assassination, the ring was intended to be used as an emergency device to alert the newly formed secret service  if the president felt threatened.
Because silent alarms had not yet been invented, it was decided upon to utilize a small device that can be activated by blowing into it, a whistle.
The secret service scientists came up with a beautifully crafted gold siren ring similar to this ring.

Lincolns alarm ring, known as Neroos wedding ring because of the acronym, N.W.R. (Noisy whistle ring)

Lincolns alarm ring similar to this ring, was  known as Nero’s wedding ring because of the acronym , N.W.R. (Noisy whistle ring)

It is said that many of the people who were in attendance at Fords Theater the night of the assassination reported hearing a strange whizzing sound coming from the presidents balcony box immediately after the fatal gunshot rang out.
In the 1930 film production, “Abraham Lincoln” the whistle sound was used in the sound track for realism based on witness testimony.
Unfortunately the scene was reedited prior to the films release and the whistle sound was removed on the request of the Secret Service.
Many people at the time suspected that they didn’t want the public to know about their failure to protect the president with their amazing whistle ring.
The National Reporter  has managed to obtain an unedited copy of the movie scene for our readers.
In it you will hear the same sound that was heard by witnesses at Fords theater that fateful night.

Shortly after the assassination the ring disappeared and was never seen again until recently on an episode of Pawn Stars.
A man walked into the pawn shop that is seen on television, the reality show Pawn Stars and plopped the ring down in front of Rick Harrison the owner of the shop and asked for five hundred dollars.
“Five hundred,.. dollars?” he laughed.
“That’s right, five hundred dollareenos. Five big ones, five samolioans.”
Rick picked up the ring and looked at it.
“What is it?” He asked.
“What is it you ask?” the man gaufawed. “Why,..it’s Nero’s wedding ring.”
“Emperor Nero?”
“That’s right, Emperor Nero, the big Roman guy.”
“And you say this is his wedding ring?”
Yep,.. the old symbolic ball and chain.”
Rick just shook his head and handed it back to him.
“I’m not interested.” he said.
The man shrugged his shoulders and walked out of the store.
A few days later the secret service came into the store and chased all the customers out.
One man in a black leather trench coat cornered Rick Harrison in a back room as others swarmed in around him.
“What do you know about the ring?” he snarled.
“W,what ring?” Rick asked. he was visibly shaken up by the sudden intrusion of fifty government agents.
” Nero’s wedding ring!” the agent snapped back.
“What?”
“You heard me, where is it?”
“I don’t have it, I told the guy I didn’t want it.”
“You better not be lying to us, see?”
After that the secret service guys left the shop and told everyone who was there that if they said anything about what just happened they would come back and kill them.

The next day The National Reporter went to the pawn shop to ask Rick Harrison what happened.
“Aw jeez, it was awful.” he said. “The shop was swarmed by all these creepy looking Secret Service guys yesterday.”

Rick Harrison the owner of the famous television lawn shop that is featured on the reality series Pawn Stars.

Rick Harrison the owner of the famous television Pawn shop that is featured on the reality series Pawn Stars.

The National Reporter– What did they want?
“They wanted to know where Nero’s wedding ring was.”
The National Reporter– Nero’s wedding ring?
“Yeah, it’s from the acronym N.W.R. They use it to throw people off of the true name for the ring which is Noisey Whistle Ring. It belonged to President Lincoln and was stolen right after he was assassinated. It’s worth a ton of money.”
The National Reporter– We understand the guy only wanted five hundred dollars for it and it is worth one billion dollars. Why didn’t you buy it?
“I thought it was a cheap little brass kids whistle. How was I supposed to know what it was?”
The National Reporter-Oh well, you live and you learn.
“I suppose.”
The National Reporter– When will we see the episode where you turned down the ring?
“You won’t.” Rick told us. “The secret service took the video and destroyed it and told us if we ever said anything about it to anyone they would come back and kill us.”
The National Reporter– They told us the same thing about airing the deleted scene from the Lincoln movie where they have the sound of Lincoln blowing into the ring to call the Secret Service.
“Ha,ha, they screwed up big time on that.” Rick laughed.
The National Reporter-They sure did Rick, they sure did.

Be sure to watch Pawn Stars on the History channel!

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