Teens skip school to build stargate

Morons build stargate in the woods

Three teens skipped school for five months to construct a stargate.( From left to right; Steve Tucker, Dave West and Phil Martin)


The National Reporter
On the first day of school last year, three teenagers, Phil Martin, Dave West and Steve Tucker decided that they would build a tree fort in the woods and go live in it everyday instead of going to school.
They all agreed that it was a great idea, so the next day they began their project, but it didn’t go too well for the three handymen.
After a week of bumbling around in the trees and falling quite often, they gave up and just sat around throwing rocks at the single piece of wood that they had managed to nail between two trees.
After a few weeks they were getting bored with hanging out in the woods everyday with nothing to do and were considering going back to school.
that was when Phil Martin came up with his brilliant idea.
“Let’s build a stargate and go to the planet of naked women and pot forests!” he told his two pals.
Dave and Steve thought the idea was perfect, way better than a stupid tree fort.
They immediatly went to work constructing their stargate bubbling over with excitment and going on and on about all the naked women and endless fields of marajuana they would be enjoying when it was finished.
Five months later their stargate was completed.

As the three engineers stood around admiring their work, Steve came up with a good idea.
“Before we go, we should do something to the school.” He said with a mischievious twinkle in his eye.
“Like what for instance?” Dave asked.
“Let’s go screw up Freddy davidson’s new car!”
Freddy Davidson was the schools high school football star and he picked on them alot, which was one of the main reasons why they hated school so much.
They agreed that vandalizing his car would be the perfect farewell gift before they went to the planet of naked women and endless pot fields.

The three of them went to the high school parking lot and found Freddys brand new chrome plated Acura NSX sitting all by itself with no one around watching.
Phil struck first with a big rock through the windshield.
Then Steve and Dave joined in.
For the next five minutes they smashed the living crap out of the car, throwing rocks and even pulling up blocks of flag stone from the curb to do the utmost damage.
Finally Steve opened the gas cap and put a piece of cloth in it, then he lit it and the three of them ran for the hills.
Unfortunatly for them, Freddy had seen them from his classroom window and was making his way out to the parking lot with half the school behind him.
The three teens in the meantime stopped on a trail in the woods to catch their breath because they were laughing so hard.
“Man,..that was funny as all hell!” Phil laughed.
“Yeah!” Steve said. “I’ll bet Freddy is going to blow his stack when he see’s his car!”
Just then, Phil’s eye bugged out and a look of shear terror crossed his face.
“Holy crap,..RUN!!” He yelped.
Steve and Dave turned to see about fifty people charging towards them with Freddy leading the way.
The three of them turned and ran as fast as they could with their persuers only a hundred feet behind them and closing fast.
“We have to get to the stargate before they catch us!” Dave huffed.
A few seconds later they saw the stargate ahead of them.
“We’re almost there!” Phil gasped.

When they reached the opening of their stargate, they all stopped and turned to face their persuers as they closed in on them.
“Ha,ha, we smashed up your gay car, Freddy. And there isn’t anything you can do about it!” Phil laughed.
“Yeah,..bite me!” Dave added.
Then seconds before the enraged mob reached them, they turned and stepped through the stargate.
“Are we there yet?” Steve asked.

They can’t recall anything that happend after that and for the present time they are are not allowed to discuss it with each other.
The terms of their probation prohibits them from associating with each other.
Dave West’s family moved out of town shortly after the incident and they have not been in touch with any of their former neighbors.
Steve Tucker transfered to another school and Phil Martin was expelled from school and is very rarely seen outside of his house.
He now spends most of his time playing video games and working on his top secret project in his garage.

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Worlds first female sumo wrestler flattens polar bear in exhibition match

Fisrt female sumo wrestler

Fans of Sumo wrestling were stunned by Janeen Browns awsome power.


The National Reporter
Janeen Brown wowed the audiance at Japans famous Budokan arena last week when she became the first female competitor in the sport of sumo wrestling.
For her very first exhibition appearance, Janeen who weiged in at 1167 Lbs. wrestled with a 1214 Lb. polar bear named Chin chin.
“When they see me whoop this bear they is going to show me the respect I deserve.” Janeen said before the match.
When she walked into the arena she was met with boo’s and hisses from the male audiance.
Most of the fight attendees were confidant that Chin chin would end Janeens sumo career within moments after the match started.
But to their shock and horror, less than one minute into the match chin chin was pinned underneith Janeens sizable girth struggling to escape.
The referee, fearing for Chin chin’s life, stepped in and ended the match.
As soon as Janeen rolled off of him he got to his feet and scampered out the door with his tail between his legs amid the boo’s and cat calls from the angry crowd.
“No way did we think fat yankee woman would beat Chin chin, but fat woman beat Chin chin. We all very angry at stupid bear.” life long Sumo fan, Tanaka Wakanaka said.
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Acid peeing robot dog causing problems in NJ town

Robotic dog pees acid

Zipper the wonder dog has local residents fearing for their safety

The National Reporter
Residents in Colonia NJ are up in arms over a robotic dog that is wandering their streets.
“The robot dog is really cool to watch walking around, but the damned thing pee’s hydrochloric acid all over the place!” Hugo Riley of Normandy road said.
Damage done by the dog is clearly evident around town as evidenced by this fire hydrant on Inman avenue.

melted hydarnt

Scene of robot dogs destructive urinating.

Township police have issued a warning to all residents to stay away from Zipper the wonder dog.
“Our animal control people have tried everything possible to catch Zipper, but he is too strong. He has freed himself from steel box traps as easy as tearing out of a wet paper bag and tranquilizer darts just bounce off of him.” Woodbridge police chief William Trenery said.
For the time being, Zipper the wonder dog is still roaming the streets of Colonia destroying everything in his path with his never ending hydrochloric acid rest stops.
No one knows who built him or where he came from or for what purpose anyone would create such an abomination.
But one thing is for certain, if you see Zipper the wonder dog headed your way, run for your life!

Zipper the wonder dog

Zipper prowling a Colonia shopping center parking lot looking for something to destroy with his acid.

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Woman goes door to door selling kisses to save public pool

Kissing booth

Teresa Johnson; I am doing what I can to raise money for the community pool.

The National Reporter
Teresa Johnson, an 18 year old community activist, came up with an idea to save the public pool in her small town.
A portable kissing booth so she can raise money by going to to door selling kisses.
“It’s very tiresome with all the footwork, but it has been well worth my efforts.” She said with a smile.
Well worth her efforts indeed!
So far Teresa has raised nearly 11 thousand dollars and at 25 cents a kiss, she has been a very busy young lady.
Once the news of her door to door kissing booth spread, the teenage boys and young men in her town couldn’t wait for her to knock on their doors.
“I bought 20 dollars worth of kisses when she came to my house.”
James Adams, 21 of Bakerston street Said. “I heard she is going to be on Bleeker street tomorrow, me and all of my friends will waiting for her with our money!”
If she keeps up her good work, the community swimming pool will be open for business next summer looking like new.

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Sports scandal; Robot disguised as a human wins womens decathlon.

Robot faker

Tracy Chow handing off to Nancy Franklin during last months decathlon between Rutgers and NYU.

The National Reporter
The reputation of women’s sports was tarnished today when officials discovered a secret about recent decathlon winner, Nancy Franklin.
She wasn’t a woman at all, she was a mechanical robot machine that had disguised itself as a human being so it could cheat at sports.
Miss Franklin was declared the winner in last months decathlon race between Rutgers and NY city college.
“I was so happy for her and the team.” team mate Tracy Chow told me. “And then I heard rumors going around the campus that she may have cheated. I was shocked and angry.”
The board of directors received an anonymous phone call two days after the race from an unknown source tipping them off about Miss Franklin.
They began to suspect that the anonymous tipper was telling the truth when Miss Franklin arrived at the deans office for questioning and the room quickly began filling with diesel fumes from her exhaust pipe.
Rutgers red faced women’s sports coach, Barbara Trent, called NY city college late last night to give them the embarrassing news and to inform them that she would drive up and give them the decathlon trophy in person and apologize on behalf of her team and Rutgers university.
Nancy Franklin moved out of her dormitory room last night and was unavailable for comment.
Her where abouts are not known at this time.

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10 year old boy crashes toy train through his bedroom window.

train_wrecks_08

I hate this train, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!


The National Reporter
10 year old David Steinberg wasn’t happy with the train set his father gave him so he drove it through his bedroom window and onto his familys front lawn.
The angry young lad then locked himself in his room and refused to open it.
“We pleaded with him for hours to open his door so we could talk.” his mother said. “We told him we would buy him a better train set, but he just wouldn’t listen to us, He just kept telling his father and I to go f*** ourselves and that he was going to commit suicide.”
When the police arrived at the scene they were shocked, they had no idea how a train ended up against their house the way it was.
When the boys father explained that it was his son’s toy train and he drove it out the window, they insisted on seeing the boy.
“We went up to his room but his door was locked and he wasn’t opening it.” Officer Welkson explained. “He just kept telling us to go f*** ourselves and if we didn’t leave him alone he was going to kill himself.”
Later that day Davids father gave him what he wanted, a 40 ton high speed bullet locomotive that he had air lifted all the way from Japan.
“It cost me quite a bit of money to have it flown in, but my son’s happiness is worth it.”
David finally came out of his room and he hasn’t threatened to kill himself for almost two weeks now.
“He’s a wonderful child.” David’s mother said.

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Mr.Whoopie goes to Washington

Whoopie attacks

Mr.Whoopie storms the speakers podium and disrupts congress


The National Reporter
A man who dresses up in a giant whoopie cushion and calls himself Mr.Whoopie invaded congress this weekend.
“No one saw him enter the room, all of a sudden this guy dressed like a giant whoopie cushion was dancing around next to the speaker making loud obnoxious noises.” Said chief security officer, Henry Lasko.
The members of congress stared in disbelief as he put on his display, then just as quickly as he appeared he dashed out of the room and headed to the senate.
He pushed his way past two guards and barged through the doors. As soon as he was inside he ran to the middle of the crowded room and started dancing wildly, flailing his arms and making very loud obnoxious noises.

Whoopie 2

Mr.Whoopie's next stop, the senate floor.

“We all thought it was a joke, or maybe some one was getting one of those gag telegrams. You know like a singing telegram.” Senator Brownstone said.”I guess he was just a nut, I mean, he was just dancing around making noises. He wasn’t even making any kind of political protest or anything, he was just dancing around making sputtery fart noises. It didn’t make any sense at all, he must have been drunk or high on drugs. It was one of the weirdest things I have ever seen.”
Mr. Whoopie was apprehended a few minutes later by DC police and charged with trespassing and being a disorderly person.
He is being held in DC city jail in leu of $50.000 bond.

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Hillary Clinton caught peeping in neighbors bedroom window

Peeping Hillary

Shocking photographic evidence of Hillarys twisted compulsion


The National Reporter
For weeks people living in the posh neighborhood in upper state NY where former president Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary now call home have complained to police that they have found foot prints in the snow out side of their bedroom windows indicating that there was a peeping Tom on the loose.
Police investigated but found no clues as to the identity of the peeping Tom, they dismissed it as neighborhood teenagers having a few laughs.
For awhile the incidents stopped until a week ago when a neighbor (who wishes to remain anonymous) got the shock of her life when she saw someone standing outside of her bedroom window looking inside.
The woman immediatly grabbed her camera and snapped a photo of the peeping Tom a split second before she saw her and ran off.
She couldn’t believe her eyes when she examined the face in the image.
It was Hillary Clinton!
She waited until her husband came home and showed him the photo.
He was agast at what he saw.
“How can she do such a thing?” he said. “for Gods sake, she ran for president of the United States last year and she is the former first lady.”
They took the photo to the police and showed it to detectives.
After they had examined it and confirmed that it was indeed Hillary Clinton, they cautioned the couple and advised them to keep quiet about it.
“You know what happens when you cross the Clintons.”detective Jones warned. “You’le end up dead and we will have to cover it up.”

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Talking gorilla recalls past life as fighter jet pilot

Talking gorilla

Bombo the talking gorilla speaking to spell bound scientists at UCLA


The National Reporter
Bombo the talking gorilla, who is the feature attraction at the San Diego Zoo, this week astonished a panel of scientists from UCLA when he told them that he can recall his previous life.
He claims that he was a North Korean jet fighter pilot who flew several mission over North Korea in the opening months of the Korean war and shot down many Yankee running dog lackeys.
A panel of UCLA scientists, both young and old, listened intentively as he described his previous life in meticulous detail.

gorillas audiance

Mesmerized scientists at UCLA listening to Bombo the talking gorilla discribe his past life.

The scientists were very sceptical of his claim and gave him a few tests to prove it.
They took him to the aeronautics museum and placed him in the cockpit of a North Korean MiG that they have on display and asked him to explain the function of all the instruments.
To their amazment, Bombo the talking gorilla pointed to each dial and gauge one at a time and explained precisly what each one did with 100% accuracy.
The scientists were speechless.

When the news of this amazing paranormal event reached Kim Il Jong, the president of North Korea, he demanded that Bombo the talking gorilla be repatriated with his home country immediatly or the United States will face dire consequences.

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Man adrift at sea lights his flatulance to signal rescue helicopter

Blazer

The bright blueish yellow flash was visable for miles.


The National Reporter
A man who was adrift at sea after his fishing boat sank was rescued late at night thanks to his Zippo lighter and an over abundant supply of flatulance.
Herbert Willingsworth went out to sea by himself last June to catch some Tuna fish that some friends told him were running fifteen miles from the coast of Carolina.
As night time approached he dropped his anchor and went down below to get some sleep.
Unfortunatly, he forgot to switch on his running lights thus rendering his small boat completely invisable to large vessles.
Around midnight he was struck head on by an oil tanker that split his boat wide open.
Mr. Willingsworth had just enough time to grab his C02 life raft and dive into the freezing cold water, seconds later his boat slipped beneith the dark fridged churning water of the Atlantic.
He struggled for what seemed like hours with the compacted raft looking for the Co2 cartrige so he could inflate it and get out of the water before hypothermia began to set in.
After a few minutes of groping in the chilling water he finally found it.
He pulled the pin and with a loud whoosh, his rescue raft inflated
It was a welcomed sight to see his raft bobbing on the waves in front of him.
He climbed aboard and quickly reached for the mylar emergency blanket tucked away in a side pocket of the raft.
Once he had it on, he could feel his body heat returning.
“At least I won’t be dying from hypothermia” he thought to himself.
When he was warmed up and began calming down some what, he wondered how long he would be stranded before help arrived.
Soon afterwards he fell asleep.

Early the next morning as the sun came up he scanned the horizon for any signs of a rescue plane or ships.
There was nothing, he was all alone.
Even if there were any, he didn’t have a signal mirror to attract their attention.
It was stolen weeks earlier by the local cocain users for their filthy drug habit.

Authors note: Cocain users cut up lines of their drug on mirrors to make it easier for them to smell. It is common for cocaine users to get high on the drug by smelling it. This is also called snorting.

He lied back on his raft as the waves gently lifted him up and down until it started getting dark.
Soon it was pitch black.
Around midnight he was awoken by the sound of a helicopter in the distance.
He lifted his head up and saw a Coast Guard helicopter about two miles away scanning the ocean with its bright search lights.
Thinking quickly, he reached into his pocket and took out his trusty Zippo lighter and lit it, but the tiny flame was way to small for them to see.
It was at that moment that he felt a surge of gas making its way down to his anus and he had an idea.
He repositioned his rear end so that it would be facing the helicopter and lit the lighter in front of his pants where it would be most effective.
Then he let it rip.
An instant later a huge blueish yellow flame erupted from the seat of his pants and rose into the air a good four feet.
Then to his amazment and relief, the search light on the helicopter immediatly swung around and bathed him in its blinding light.
The crew had seen his signal and he was pulled from the raft minutes later.

© The National Reporter, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.