Owner of sadistic teasing zoo; Ha, ha,..you can’t stop me.

A few years ago The National Reporter informed the world about a zoo in Portland, Oregon that is so horrendous and sadistic that most people refuse to believe that such a place can exist in today’s world.
Sadistic zoo angers animal rights groups
Well not only does it exist but the owner is laughing at the efforts of The National Reporter and our loyal readers in our attempt to shut them down with a petition.

Bob's teasing zoo is still in operation despite the attempts of The National Reporter and our readers to shut it down.

Bob’s teasing zoo is still in operation despite the attempts of The National Reporter and our readers to shut it down.


The National Reporter caught up with this criminal at his office in downtown Portland and interviewed him about his mocking attitude towards the few people who bothered to sign the online petition that would have put this exhibition of unspeakable animal cruelty to an end.
“No one cares, ha ha,..” he said. “No one gives a crap about these stupid animals because hardly anyone has signed that stupid petition.
In fact, I am going to get even more animals and make the fun and games ten times more cruel and painful to them. What are they going to do about it, sign a petition with ten signatures? Ahhh,ha,ha,ha!”
The National Reporter – You bastard!
“Shut up four eyes, I can do whatever I want and no one has the guts to stop me, they won’t even sign a stupid online petition. It’s too much work for them. Ha,ha,ha!
I think that most of them would rather come to my zoo and enjoy teasing the stupid animals like normal people anyway.”
The National Reporter – Is there no limit to your cruelty?
“No,..ha,ha,ha. Now get out of my way or I will sue you for interfering in my right to get rich torturing stupid animals.”
The National Reporter – You filthy bastard!
“Hey, watch your mouth four eyes, that’s slander!”

His next animal cruelty exhibition will be one where starving puppys and kittens are lured into very painful traps with bits of food that are tossed by sadistic zoo patrons.
“I should turn a good buck with this great idea.” Bob snickered.

We here at The National Reporter are urging our readers to please help shut down this evil bastards sadistic zoo.
All you have to do is take a minute to sign our petition.
Sign the petition to close down this evil establishment!

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Kaley Cuoco’s sickening restaurant experiance

Kaley Cuoco plays Penny Dunlop on the hit comedy series 'The big bang theory.'

Kaley Cuoco plays Penny Dunlop on the hit comedy series ‘The big bang theory.’


The National Reporter

Television star Kaley Cuoco who plays sexy Penny Dunlop on the hit television sitcom ‘The big bang theory’ got a rather disgusting surprise while dining in a popular Hollywood eatery.
The incident occurred last weekend when the actress and a few friends went to a popular Hollywood restaurant.
“We had been filming an episode of the big bang theory all day and I was starving.” Miss Cuoco told us.
The National Reporter– I’ll bet it tasted good.
“I don’t know I didn’t eat it.”
The National Reporter– Why not?
“Well, When the waiter placed it in front of me I couldn’t wait to dig in. I started cutting it up when I noticed a strange knot in the meat.”
The National Reporter– A strange knot?
“Yes, a strange knot. It was really hard and difficult to cut though even though the knife was sharp.”
The National Reporter– oh, I see.
“I finally cut the meat up and I was about to eat it when a gentleman who was sitting at the next table jumped up and shouted, Don’t eat that!”
The National Reporter– What did you do?
“Well, I dropped my knife with the meat on it and the man took the plate away from me and looked at it up close.
After a few minutes of examining the meat he told me I was lucky I didn’t eat any of it.”
The National Reporter– What was wrong with it?
“The man was a cancer specialist and he told me the tough knot was actually a malignant tumor”
The National Reporter– Gross.
“You can say that again.” she said. “When he told me I nearly ate a cancerous tumor I almost threw up right then and there.”
The National Reporter– Wow,..ha,ha,..gross.

Watch for cancerous tumors like this in your steak dinners

Watch for cancerous tumors like this in your steak dinners

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Tazered man runs like the Flash!

Police tazer had unusal effect on Philadelphia man.

The National Reporter

A Philadelphia man who was mistaken for a car thief was accidentally zapped with 50 thousand volts from a police officers Tazer gun.
“I thought he was the crook, he matched the description.” Officer Wally Banks said.
What happened when the man was jolted with all of that electricity is the really strange part of this story.
Instead of hitting the ground like a normal person, he just stayed in one spot about two feet off the ground with his legs going a mile a minute like a cartoon character while grunting “Gnaaa,..gnaaa,..gnaaaahh!!
A few seconds later he took off down the street at blinding speed.
Below are the actual photographs taken by passerby of the tazered man the moment he received the massive jolt of electricity and then speeding down the street at lightening speeds.

Gnaaah,..gnaaaah,...gnaaaahh!!!


Look at him go!

He ran a total of two hundred yards before he ran out of steam and fell face first onto the asphalt and slid for seventy feet before he came to a halt in the middle of the intersection.
He was immediately transported to the hospital and treated for road rash and electrical shock.
A video of this unusual occurrence was made, unfortunately it has been confiscated by the police and the owner of the video camera was been arrested and charged with filming a police officer breaking the law.

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Remarkable new strain of marijuana increases intelligence

John Farly is seen here holding his miraculous marijuana

The National Reporter
A Newton Massachusetts man has developed a new type of marijuana that he claims has the power to enhance the intelligence of anyone who smokes it.
John Farly announced his amazing new discovery last summer at the state science fair in Boston.
So far all of his test subjects claim that they have experienced an increase in intelligence after smoking the marijuana.
State drug control officers are keeping a close watch on Mr. Farly in case they decide to arrest him for violating Mass. drug laws.
“I don’t understand why they would want to arrest me.”Mr.Farly told us. “This is a good thing, not a bad thing.”

One of his test subjects, Carlos Beninto, invented and constructed a pair of makeshift wings while he was under going an intelligence boost with the help of John Farlys marijuana.
“I can’t believe how much this marijuana increased my intelligence.” He said “I invented, designed and built the wings within a half hour after smoking Johns amazing new marijuana.”

Carlos Beninto seen here wearing his fantastic flying wings.

John Farly has tried to obtain a U.S. patent for his new strain of marijuana several times, but his request has been turned down on the grounds that it violates U.S. drug laws.
The National Reporter went with Mr. Farly to district court last week to sit in on one of his appeals.
We were surprised when he showed up at the courthouse wearing what he calls his costume of defiance.
“I am wearing this to show my contempt for the government’s refusal to understand the importance of my new marijuana.” He explained. “If they don’t want to deal with John Farly then they can deal with Mr. Greenbean.”

John Farly is seen here entering district court disguised as his alter ego, Mr. Greenbean.

The National Reporter went into the court room with Mr. Farly and as soon as the judge saw him dressed up as Mr.Greenbean he let out a long muffled moan, removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes.
“Good morning Mr. Farly.” He groaned. “I see we are going to be Mr.Greenbean again today.”
“Mr.Farly? Who is Mr.Farly? I am Mr. Greenbean.” He answered, with a grin.
I could hear people around me in the crowded courtroom whispering, “It’s that pot guy again.”
Others were laughing and taking pictures of him with their cell phones.
John Farly ignored all the comments and the flashing cell phones and remained focused on his case.
As soon as the court officer announced that court was now in session, the judge called Mr. Farly to the bench.
He whispered someting to him, I couldn’t hear what it was.
A second later two baliffs walked over to Mr. Farly and escorted him out of the courtroom.
This reporter met up with him outside.
The National Reporter– What happed Mr. Farl,..I mean Mr. Greenbean?
“The judge said that he wouldn’t allow me to present my case as long as I was being Mr. Greenbean.”
The National Reporter– Well that doesn’t seem fair.
“You’re damned right it isn’t fair.” He said. “There isn’t anything in the constitution that says you can’t wear a costume to court.”
The National Reporter– I believe you are right, Mr. Greenbean. What are you going to do now?
“Well, being that they recognise me as Mr. Greenbean, my next move calls for a different disguise.” He said. “Perhaps I can get their attention wearing my Mr. potatohead costume.
The National Reporter– Good idea, I am sure that will catch their attention.
“Yes,..Mr. Potatoehead,…just what the doctor ordered.” He said.
After that he just sort of floated off and disapeared down the street talking to himself.

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Sleazy tabloid plagiarizes story from The National Reporter!

The Global Tabloids Feb. 10, 2010 is out right theft of The National Reporter's Dec. 7th, 2009 article.

The National Reporter

The lowlife sleazy scum who run The Global Tabloid have once again shown their inability and unwillingness to report the truth with the same honesty and integrity as the dedicated men and women at The National Reporter who work tirelessly to bring our readers the truth.
They have plagiarized our exclusive story about the very first authentic photograph taken of legendary Jersey devil that The National Reporter showed to the world on December 7th, 2009. two months prior to The Global Tabloids theft of our story.

Read the original Story here.
The Jersey devil captured on film!

As soon as The Global Tabloid’s rag hit the stands this morning, our readers began swamping our phones with complaints.
Many of them are experienced lawyers who have offered to sue The Global Tabloid for plagiarism on our behalf, but we had to decline their generous offer.
The National Reporter has a legal staff who are experts on plagiarism cases.
What upset us is the fact that so many people are going to buy The Global tabloid and believe that they were the first news service to break the story.
What really made us angry was the bogus images they used which we will examine right now.

In the first photo which was also used on the cover, we see what is supposed to be the Jersey devil standing in front of an old abandoned house in the woods.
This looks nothing at all like the real Jersey devil, which of course can be proven very easily by comparing it to the genuine photograph taken by Dave Morrison.
Anyone can see that this is an actor wearing a pair of phony bat wings.

Cover photo. Anyone can see that this is obviously an actor.


In the second photograph we see the same actor standing behind a fence in a menacing stance.
This is the photograph that necessitated the disclaimer on the front page warning the readers that it was so frightening that viewing it can make them to throw up.

According to the Global Tabloid's warning, this image is so scary that it can make you throw up.


After close examination of these photographs The National Reporter has concluded without a shadow of a doubt that they are not the Jersey devil, they are fake.
With that in mind, the public has to come to the realisation that there are unscrupulous news agencys out there who will lie, plagiarize and fabricate ridiculous storys for their own selfish reasons.
They don’t care if their storys cause the public to panic, that is not their concern.
Their only concern is how much money they can squeeze out of John Q. Public.
And it isn’t just the seedy news reporters who make this junk up, there are also the every day ordinary people who get involved with them to make money as well.
We decided to track down the actor who played the Jersey devil for The Global Tabloid to find out who he is and why he sold out to that sleeze rag.
It didn’t take us very long thanks to The National Reporters face identification machine.
We scanned the face of the actor in the fake Jersey devil images and within a few minutes the owner of said face was identified.
It was none other than former Happy days star, Henry Winkler.
According to people who know him, this is just the sort of thing that he would do.
Apparently he thought lying to millions of people and helping a sleazy paper like the Global Tabloid would be a fun way to spend his weekend.

Aaaaaayyyy,... the fonz had fun making a few bucks fooling all you idiots who read The Global Tabloid!

And now to show our readers what real reporting is all about, we have for you an exclusive photograph taken by an army private stationed at Fort Dix NJ, which is located inside the pine barrens.
There are only two genuine photographs of the Jersey devil in existance and The National Reporter has been given exclusive rights to both of them.
Don’t fall for any sleazy tabloid who says they have photographs of the Jersey devil.

Photograph of the Jersey devil hiding in the ruins of an old house inside of the pine barrens. This photograph was taken by an Army private from nearby Fort Dix who wishes to remain anonymous.

Fort Dix Army private who took the photograph seen here stealing a television set from recreation hall. His face has been blacked out to protect his identity.

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© The National Reporter, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Wisconsin man demands his right to be a cow

Trans-species human Dwight Haskel enjoying the company of his fellow cows in Dooleys pasture.

The National Reporter
22-year-old Wisconsin resident Dwight Haskel has been standing his ground against local lawmakers in defiance to their recent ruling regarding his trans-species rights case.
“Don’t care if he dresses up like a cow,  don’t care if he acts like a cow and don’t care if he thinks he is a cow,  he’s not a damned cow and that is all there is too it, damn it all!”  district court judge Thomas Wallace said.  “Dwight Haskel’s lawyers have wasted enough of this courts time,  he’s off his nut and he should be carted away to the rubber room!”
Dwight Haskel’s legal battle began last summer when Fitchburg police were called to investigate a trespassing complaint at Thomas Dooley’s farm.
When they arrived they were directed to the pasture where they found Dwight Haskel dressed in a cow costume grazing next to some of Mr. Dooleys cows.
When they approached the man, he ran off.
They chased him for quite a distance until they caught him.
“When we tackled him to the ground he started mooing and kicking his feet just like a cow in the rodeo when they get tied up by the cowboys.” Officer Shanks told us.
After he was arrested, Dwight called the ACLU and they agreed to help him with his trans-species rights case.
The ACLU have won Dwight the right to graze with the other cows on Dooleys farm until a final judgment is made in his case, which naturally has Thomas Dooley hopping mad.

Dairy farm owner Thomas Dooley is livid over the ACLU's interference in the case which has permitted Dwight Haskel to continue his charade.

“This is ridiculous!” Mr. Dooley said. “The guy is a nut case and he is scaring my live stock.  I should get out my shot gun and fill his rump with a load of buck shot!”
The National Reporter – How has his presence affected your cows?
“Every morning when that nut job shows up they get all edgy and nervous like they are afraid of him for some reason.”
The National Reporter – What could he be doing that is making them nervous?
“That’s what I was wondering.” Mr. Dooley said. “I wanted to find out what was going on, so I hid in a stack of hay bails with my Polaroid camera ready.”
The National Reporter – Did you photograph him doing anything to the cows?
“I sure did and I got the picture right here.” He said, holding up a Polaroid photograph.
The National Reporter  can have this picture, I got plenty of copies ready for court.” he said.
When this reporter looked at the image I can honestly say I was not surprised at all that Dwights desire to be a cow may be sexual in nature.

Caught in the act! Dwights desire to be a cow may not exactly be in the interest of a trans-species transformation. His real reasons may be sexual in nature.

“Now to make matters worse, I have another problem.” Mr. Dooley said.
The National Reporter – And what is that, Mr. Dooley?
“Right after the ACLU took the nut job’s case,  a group of hippys showed up to support him.”  He said.  “And they are just as crazy as he is, damned foul smelling pot smoking punks.  They’re not here today, they usually come during the middle of the week when the rest of the world is working. You come back tomorrow and you will get to meet our charming future leaders.”
The following day The National Reporter  returned to Dooleys farm to witness what Mr. Dooley had described as a ‘coven of kooks.’
As soon as I pulled into the driveway in  The National Reporter  Hum vee, I was greeted with a barrage of monotone chanting coming from several young people who apparently had not seen any soap or the inside of a shower stall in quite some time.
The body odor rising off of these grimey unshaven people was horrendous and they all seemed to be under the influence of some kind of drug, most likely marijuana roofers.
I walked right past them ignoring them the best I could to see why there was a crowd of young men from town crowded around a small enclosure.
I soon found out why.
A group of bare chested young women were demonstrating for trans-species rights and Dwight Haskel was doing his cow thing with some cows right behind them.
A short while later a local news crew arrived and began video taping the trashy show for their evening news.
Later in the afternoon more news crews began arriving to do the same.

As I watched the media circus swell, I started to see what a farce the whole thing really was and began putting the pieces together.
Dwight Haskel was obviously caught acting out some sort of bizarre sexual fetish where he dresses up like a cow and has his way with Ol’ Bessy.
This whole trans-species thing was just a smoke screen to fool the police and cover up his real motive for being in the pasture dressed like a cow when he was arrested.
He wasn’t fooling The National Reporter  because we have a knack for spotting phoney storys.
That is why The National Reporter prides itself on reporting the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Bare chested protestors arrived at the farm right after the ACLU took the case.

To date, Dwight Haskel has not been granted his right to be a cow and the battle continues between the ACLU and the district court.
In the meantime, the protestors have been arrving by the bus load and Mr. Dooleys farm is begining to look like a hippy festival.
“I just want this crap to be over with.” He sighed.

© The National Reporter, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Three legged man sues ex boss; “He called me tripod.”

tripod

Don't call me tripod!


The National Reporter
Stanley Hybrick, a bank teller in Bangor Maine, has filed a lawsuit in district court claiming that he was harrassed at his previous job because of a birth defect.
“My boss called me tripod and it was very upsetting.” he explained to district judge Albert Swartzer.
“The customers would laugh everytime he paged me over the loud speaker. “Hey tripod, do your funny walk to my office.” he would say.
Judge Swartzer explained that technically, because he has three legs, he is a tripod.
Mr. Hybrick, speaking from his specially made chair that accomodates his extra extremity, said that he was aware of that, but continued that it was spoken in a derogatory manner to cause him anguish and humiliation.
His case will be heard within the next few months and this reporter will be on the scene to cover the procedings.

© The National Reporter, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.