Flying penis seen over Pittsburgh
November 17, 2009 2 Comments
The National Reporter
A fifty foot long balloon shaped like a penis was spotted floating over Pittsburgh today.
Eye witnesses who watched the strange object float into view at first were very excited because they thought they were seeing the arrival of alien visitors.
When it got a little closer they were appalled and shocked.
“I think it was some kind of a sick joke.” Mary Igor said. “It was a gigantic balloon shaped like a mans penis just hanging in the sky above the city for all to see including the children.,..that isn’t funny.”
By noon it had drifted over the football stadium that was filled with thousands of football fans.
“All of a sudden everyone looked up.” Joe Whunterman said. “At first I thought it was the Goodyear blimp, but when I saw what it was I was stunned. The whole stadium became silent, all you could hear was mumbling from the crowd. No one thought it was funny.”
The big game came to a halt for fifteen minutes as the disgusting penis shaped balloon loomed over head in the still afternoon air.
“It was deathly still that afternoon, not even a slight breeze.” Rodger Uriah said. “It was embarrassing as hell because I had my grand kids with me and they were asking me what it was.”
The National Reporter – What did you tell them?
“I told them it was an advertisement for one of those store-bought fire logs, but my nine-year old grandson knew what it was and he was blabbing it to the rest of the kids. The damned thing ruined our day.”
“When we find out who made this thing they are going to be spending some time inside the county jail, I promise you that.” Pittsburgh Police chief Thomas Riddle said.
The National Reporter – Do you have any suspects yet?
“We have a few in mind who we suspect would do something like this, sick bastards. you know the type.”
The National Reporter – Do you have any idea how this thing was constructed?
“Well, we weren’t able to shoot it down because of public safety, so all we can do is follow it hoping that it will fall to Earth or get trapped in a tree or something so we can gather forensic evidence. It looks like it was constructed out of bed sheets spray painted flesh color with purple veins and other details to make it appear more realistic.
The inside is packed from front to back with helium filled plastic garbage bags.”
The National Reporter – It sounds like someone went through a lot of trouble making this thing.
“Not really.” Chief Riddle said. “Even someone with limited skills could build one of these abominations in an afternoon.”
By 3:00 pm the wind began to kick up and the flying penis was swept from the sky’s over Pittsburgh.
It was last seen gaining altitude and heading east towards central New Jersey and was expected to reach New York city within two days.
After that, the flying penis could possibly reach Europe within a week, although inside information received by The National Reporter indicates that the military might shoot it down as soon as it reaches the open sea.
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