Idiot buries himself up to his neck on parents front lawn

16 year old Carl Johnson seen here buried up to his neck on his parents front lawn.

16 year old Carl Johnson seen here buried up to his neck on his parents front lawn.

The National Reporter

16 year old Carl Johnson of Boise Idaho was discovered buried up to his neck in a hole that was dug in his parents front lawn last week.
This reporter went to his home to find out why he did this.
The National Reporter – Hi Carl, my name is Ace Flashman, I am a reporter for The National Reporter.
Carl Johnson –“Hi Mr. Flashman.”
The National Reporter – Hello Carl. Can you tell me why you did this?
Carl Johnson –“Why did I do what?”
The National Reporter – Why did you bury yourself like this?
Carl Johnson –“I don’t know.”
The National Reporter – You don’t know?
Carl Johnson –“Nuh uh, I just felt like it I guess.”
The National Reporter – Did you do this as a form of protest.
Carl Johnson –“I don’t know, ..maybe,..yea,..that’s why I did it.”
The National Reporter – What are you protesting and how is burying yourself up to the neck getting your point across?
Carl Johnson –“I don’t know.”
The National Reporter – You must have some idea why you did this. What are you protesting?
Carl Johnson –“Ummm,.. school?”
The National Reporter – You are protesting school? Did something happen to you at school?
Carl Johnson –“I don’t know,..I guess so.”
The National Reporter – What happened to you at school that would make you do something like this?
Carl Johnson –“I don’t know.”
The National Reporter – Does this have something to do with a girl you like?
Carl Johnson –“well,,.umm.,..yea.”
The National Reporter – How is burying yourself up to your neck relevant to your crush on a girl at school?
Carl Johnson –“I don’t know,..I want her to like me I guess. What does relevant mean?”
The National Reporter – How is this going to make her like you?
Carl Johnson –“She will think I look cool and fall in love with me.”
The National Reporter – Really?
Carl Johnson –“yeah, I am afraid to talk to her so I figured if I buried myself up to my neck she would like me.”

As he was speaking his father walked out of the house and approached me.
“Who are you? He asked.
The National Reporter – Hello sir, My name is Ace Flashman. I am a reporter for The
National Reporter.
“Awwww,..geeez! Your a reporter!?”
The National Reporter – That’s right. I am here to interview your son.
“Awww,..geez,..the press!?” He groaned. “Look pal, can’t we just let this one go?”
The National Reporter – Excuse me?
“Come on, buddy. This whole affair has been extremely embarrassing for our family, can’t you just let this slide and go report something else?”
Carl Johnson – Dad,..can you bring me a sandwich?
The National Reporter – I am sorry Mr. Johnson, but I have to follow my nose and report news that is of interest to our readers. Besides, there are no good news stories for me to pursue at the moment.
Awww, geeez,..can’t you just make something up?”
The National Reporter – Make something up? You have to be kidding. The National Reporter has a spotless reputation for reporting the truth and nothing but the truth. We would never make up some silly story.
That sort of nonsense is beneith us.
Did you know that the National Reporter has been the recipient of the renowned Seal of honesty award from the International Reporters association for truthfulness, honesty and integrity?
Do you really think I would compromise that honor just for the sake of making up some ridiculous story?
Carl Johnson – Hey Dad,..can you bring the TV set out here? This is boring.
“I know your fine news service has an impeccable reputation, but can’t you please find something else to write about?
This whole episode has been very humiliating for us. We are getting crank telephone calls for the past week, people asking to talk to Carl. They know he can’t get out of the hole. They are just trying to be funny.”

Carl Johnson –what time is it, dad?
“It’s ten to three,..idiot.”
Carl Johnson – OH NO!
The National Reporter – What’s wrong Carl?
Carl Johnson – The grade school down the street lets out at three and all the little kids walk by and say stuff to me.
yesterday they drew glasses on my face with a red magic marker.
The National Reporter – Well that was certainly a mean thing to do.
“Aw geez,..what do you expect?” Carl’s dad said. “Your making an ass out of yourself, of course they are going to tease you,..idiot!”

As he was speaking my cell phone rang. It was an urgent message from The National Reporters head office.
Geologists in Florida had uncovered a thirty seven foot long specimen of petrified dinosaur scat and they wanted me to cover the story.
The National Reporter – I have to leave right away on urgent business.
“Oh thank goodness.” Mr. Johnson said with a sigh of relief. “Does that mean you won’t report this story in The National Reporter?
The National Reporter – No. I will write it on my lap top and send it to my editor while I am on the plane.
Carl Johnson –Is there something crawling up the back of my neck? Hey Dad,..can you see if there is a bug on my neck?
“Thanks a lot, Ace.” Carl’s Dad groaned. I can’t wait to read it.”

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“We teach you lesson America!” Kim Jong Un orders the construction of huge flying vengence penis

Korean despot Kim Jong Un is seen here cavorting with his blood thirsty henchmen watching the construction of the massive flying penis they plan to unleash on America.

Korean despot Kim Jong Un is seen here cavorting with his blood thirsty henchmen reading The National Reporters news story about the giant floating penis over North Korea. “Look, it my picture!” Kim Jong Un giggled excitedly.

The National Reporter

A few months ago The National Reporter informed our readers about the latest sighting of the notorious flying penis  over North Korea which outraged the chubby Despot, Kim Jong Un.
It is rumored that his recent disappearance from the public eye had something to with an emergency meeting he had ordered to exact revenge against the United State of America.
His threat to destroy America was aired on Korean television and seen by nearly one hundred people who have earned enough privilege to own television sets in that glorious peoples republic.
The CIA reported that it is highly likely that Kim Jong Un was indeed intending to follow through with his threat and was organizing the construction of a massive weapon in a remote area north of the 38th parallel.
When the word reached Washington the chiefs of staff ordered proof that he was intended to carry out this threat.

An American aerial reconnaissance plane snapped this horrifying image last week while on a highly classified fly over of the Communist nation.

Korean threat

Is this a giant flying penis that the North Korean madman is planning to launch on America?
The National Reporter was given a copy of this highly classified photograph for analysis by our science department who earned the respect of the Institute of science in Washington for their development of The Ghost-o-vision scope.
Our team of scientists used a special photographic process that allows them to magnify photographic images so that they could get a better look at the suspected flying penis and present the results to our loyal readers.

Close up shot

The National Reporters enhanced photograph clearly shows what appears to be a giant penis under construction on a remote North Korea military facility.
The Pentagon has secretly dispatched a fleet of anti missile cruisers and several submarines to protect our shores from giant sinister flying penises from North Korea in case Kim Jong Un decides to unleash his revenge.
General Bosco Stevens has contacted Kim Jon Un and issued a dire warning to him stating that the United States will not tolerate an invasion of our air space by flying penis’s or any other obscene flying objects intended to shock and horrify the American public.

Keep reading The National Reporter for any developments on this crisis.

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Teasing zoo arrogance! “I will feed puppys & kittens to my aligators.”

Little puppys like this are doomed to become alligator food if you don't help.

Little puppys like this are doomed to become alligator food if you don’t help.


The National Reporter
A few weeks ago we here at The National Reporter made a dire plea to our readers to stop the sadistic goings on at a Portland zoo where cruelty is the main attraction.
Owner of teasing zoo; ha,ha,you cant stop me.
We are talking about the abomination called Bob’s teasing zoo.
This sick and twisted business is still open despite our efforts to shut them down.
As a result the owner of the zoo, Bob, is planning to increase his cruelty to punish us for trying to rescue the helpless animals in his grips.
He sent a letter to us here at The National Reporter mocking us and the loyal readers who signed the petition to have him shut down.
Here is the letter he sent to our office reprinted here word for word in violation of his court order forbidding us to reprint it on our webpage.

To whom it may concern,
Listen up you dweebs, your stupid petition and your punk readers can’t stop me from doing what I want to do, understand?
If I want to allow the public to tease stupid animals like they want then that is what I am going to do.
Who cares?
Judging from the tiny number of animal lovers who signed your stupid petition certainly not most of the population.
So, here is what I am going to do just for shits and giggles and to teach you and the other stupid animal lovers a lesson.
I am going to put cute little puppy’s and kittens on sheets of ice and float them out into the middle of the alligator pond.
It will be funny as hell watching the ice melt and the creepy little puppy’s and kittens struggling to keep from falling into the water with my starving alligators.
And you know they are starving because they are my alligators, ha,ha,ha!
I hope you come and see us when we open up this new exhibit.
Bring your camera too, you and your stupid petition can’t stop us because there are not enough stupid animal lovers who care.

Your pal, Bob.

Now is the time to act before this evil bastard starts his sadistic act of animal cruelty.
Please sign the petition and save these poor defenseless animals!
Sign the petition to close down this evil establishment!

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Owner of sadistic teasing zoo; Ha, ha,..you can’t stop me.

A few years ago The National Reporter informed the world about a zoo in Portland, Oregon that is so horrendous and sadistic that most people refuse to believe that such a place can exist in today’s world.
Sadistic zoo angers animal rights groups
Well not only does it exist but the owner is laughing at the efforts of The National Reporter and our loyal readers in our attempt to shut them down with a petition.

Bob's teasing zoo is still in operation despite the attempts of The National Reporter and our readers to shut it down.

Bob’s teasing zoo is still in operation despite the attempts of The National Reporter and our readers to shut it down.


The National Reporter caught up with this criminal at his office in downtown Portland and interviewed him about his mocking attitude towards the few people who bothered to sign the online petition that would have put this exhibition of unspeakable animal cruelty to an end.
“No one cares, ha ha,..” he said. “No one gives a crap about these stupid animals because hardly anyone has signed that stupid petition.
In fact, I am going to get even more animals and make the fun and games ten times more cruel and painful to them. What are they going to do about it, sign a petition with ten signatures? Ahhh,ha,ha,ha!”
The National Reporter – You bastard!
“Shut up four eyes, I can do whatever I want and no one has the guts to stop me, they won’t even sign a stupid online petition. It’s too much work for them. Ha,ha,ha!
I think that most of them would rather come to my zoo and enjoy teasing the stupid animals like normal people anyway.”
The National Reporter – Is there no limit to your cruelty?
“No,..ha,ha,ha. Now get out of my way or I will sue you for interfering in my right to get rich torturing stupid animals.”
The National Reporter – You filthy bastard!
“Hey, watch your mouth four eyes, that’s slander!”

His next animal cruelty exhibition will be one where starving puppys and kittens are lured into very painful traps with bits of food that are tossed by sadistic zoo patrons.
“I should turn a good buck with this great idea.” Bob snickered.

We here at The National Reporter are urging our readers to please help shut down this evil bastards sadistic zoo.
All you have to do is take a minute to sign our petition.
Sign the petition to close down this evil establishment!

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Dog eats peanut butter weiner, owner upset

Oh boy,..peanut butter!

The National Reporter
Jack Bellington of Albany NY was sitting home alone last July 6th after his wife and kids went to the movies.
He was feeling kind of mischievous in a perverted sort of way and decided that he was going to take advantage of the family’s new Labrador puppy, Tessy.
“I figured what the hell,.no one is home so um,.. you know,..heh,heh” he said.
“So I went to the kitchen and got out a jar of peanut butter and pulled out my John Henry and smeared some on it, then I called the dog.
He came in a second later wagging his tail and I was standing there wagging my peanut butter covered,..unit.”
The National Reporter -What happened then?
“Well He stood up on his hind legs when he smelled the peanut butter, then he licked a little off.
“Hell,.. I thought it was the funniest thing I ever saw, then all of a sudden the little bastard chomped down as hard as he could and it was gone!”
The National Reporter– It was gone?
“Yeah,..my damned crank was gone. The damned dog bit it off and he was chomping it down as fast as he could.
Before I knew what was happening it was gone.”
The National Reporter– That’s awful, but it is kind of funny.
“I don’t think it’s funny and neither does my wife. She’s not too happy at all, let me tell you.”
The National Reporter– What did you do after the dog bit it off?
“I called the ambulance, what do you think I did? Hell, I was bleeding to death.
The next day me and the kids followed the dog around waiting for him to you know,..pass it.
But it was no good, it wasn’t like the dog ate a gold ring or something like that.
He digested it and pooped it out.”
The National Reporter– What are you going to do now?
“Well,.. the doctors said they are going to insert a tube so I can go to the bathroom, but as far as any other activity’s, I’m finished.”
A tragic story indeed.
We here at the The National Reporter would like to stress to our readers that smearing your privates with peanut butter or any type of food to entice an animal to lick it off is very dangerous and should only be attempted by a trained professional.

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Actor Danny Bonaduce finds huge gold nugget in Alaska

You're not going to believe what I just found!

The National Reporter
Actor Danny Bonaduce was invited by friends to go on a week-long gold hunting expedition in Alaska last month.
“It was just something to do, you know, get out in the fresh air and enjoy nature.” He said. “I never expected to find any gold, none of us really did. We just wanted to have a little fun, that’s all.”
The National Reporter– How did you find the gold nugget?
“Well, we were panning for gold along the shoreline for a few hours and I started getting bored and my legs were cramping, so I decided to wade out into the water and look under rocks to see if I could find a gold nugget.”
The National Reporter– Yes, that is where they usually hide.
“I picked up a few rocks to see if any gold was under them when I saw this good sized yellow rock next to some big boulders.
I reached in and picked it up and as soon as I held it up I just froze.
The first thing I thought was that no way in hell this is what it looked like. But then I became aware of how heavy it was.”
The National Reporter– Yes, gold is a very heavy element.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes, I just found a gold nugget that was almost as big as a bowling ball!”
The National Reporter– What was your first reaction?
“I got on my cell phone and called home to tell everyone the good news.

The National Reporter– We understand you had some problems when you returned home. Can you give us details?
“Yeah,..As soon as I got off the plane the ****ing IRS was right there jumping all over me grabbing my luggage and going through my pockets.
They grabbed the satchel with the gold nugget and ripped it open. They literally ripped it open, they didn’t bother to unzip it.”
The National Reporter– Would you say they were like animals tearing apart a carcass?
“I wouldn’t, but you can. They have my name and address.”
The National Reporter– What did they do with the gold nugget when they found it?
“They ran away with it, they just ran away with it. The satchel was still spinning on the ground and they were already gone. It was like being in a cartoon”
The National Reporter – Did you complain to the IRS?
“Sure I did, but they just told me this is how the new economy works and if I don’t like it they will send me to a re-education camp.”
The National Reporter – The new economy is a wonderful thing.
“Yeah,..don’t you just love the change?”

To date, Mr.Bonaduce has not received any information from the IRS concerning his gold nugget.

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Special needs students topple school bus

All of the students leaned to one side causing the bus to topple over.

The National Reporter
Several special needs students from Parkside developmental center in Mulberry, Indiana were injured last week when the bus they were riding in toppled over onto its side.
Local residents ran out of their homes when they heard the loud crash.
“I didn’t know what happened.” Rosey Huffmyer said. “I was watching television when all of a sudden I heard this loud noise out front. It sounded like a plane crash.”
Jim Bronson was mowing his lawn when the crash occurred.
I was mowing the grass when I saw one of those short yellow buses coming down the street. It was leaning to one side and the wheels on the right side were coming up off the pavement. I could see everyone inside the bus were all crowded together on the left side of the bus. It looked like they were deliberately trying to make the bus fall over.”

The National Reporter was able to interview some of the passengers while they were being treated for cuts and bruises.
The National Reporter – can you tell us how your bus fell over?
“We was playing tip over.” 23-year-old Claude Harrington told us. “We was all leaning against the one side of the bus to make the wheels go up in the air, but then it went too far and we fell the **** over.”
“Yeah.” Jenson George added. “It fell over cause we was leaning to hard.”
The National Reporter – Whose idea was it to tip the bus over?
“It was my idea.” Eddie Baker said. “I wanted to do something fun, so I told everyone to get on one side of the bus and push real hard.”
The National Reporter– Did you know that the bus would tip over?
“Yeah, that’s why we did it.” He said.
“It was real fun!” Jenson said.

None of the rowdy special needs students have been charged with criminal mischief despite the damage they caused with their Tom foolery and they were all back at school the next day.
After the incident, school officials at Parkside developmental center announced that in the interest of public safety, all passengers on their buses are to be held in place with seat belts and required to wear safety helmets and the students will be accompanied by special uniformed safety monitors equiped with tasers.

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