Origin of the mysterious electronic tooth implant has been revealed!

The truth about the baffling electronic tooth implant has shocked the scientific community

The National Reporter
Shocking news concerning the mysterious electronic tooth implant that was reported in The National Reporter five years ago has finally been revealed.

Electronic implant discovered in mans tooth”

The origin and the method in which it was inserted into Wally Hansons tooth has been discovered by a scientific team of forensic experts in Washington DC.
The National Reporter was on hand when the news of the discovery was announced.
The National Reporter – How did you discover the secret of the electronic tooth implant?
The person we had begun interviewing at this time was obviously unaware of who was speaking to him.
“And who might I ask wants to know?”
The National Reporter – Pardon me professor, I should have introduced myself.
My name is Ace Flashman, I am a reporter for The National Reporter.
“Ah yes, the National Reporter.” He said with a smile. “One of the most reliable sources of the latest scientific discovery’s anywhere and the winner of the International Reporters Association award for honesty, integrity and truthfulness in journalism.”
The National Reporter – That’s right professor. We at The National Reporter do our best to bring the truth to the public, unlike the tabloids who sell ridiculous lies to them to make a quick buck.”
“Yes, I find The National Reporters reputation for honesty, integrity and truthfulness very reassuring when I need to do important research that could have dire consequences for the world if it was inaccurate.”
The National Reporter – That’s right professor. We at The National Reporter go that extra ten yards to make sure our readers are getting nothing but facts on the issues that are effecting the world today.
“Don’t you mean nine yards?”
The National Reporter – We here at The National Reporter like to think that we go an extra yard for our loyal readers because they are worth the effort.
“That is a very noble outlook.” The professor said. “That is why you won the award for Honesty, integrity and truthfulness in journalism.”
The National Reporter – Yes, that is correct. And we won it a second time this year as you can see when you read our webpage.
“Well, I must say that you certainly deserve it.” he said.
The National Reporter – Why, thank you professor. That means a lot coming from such a distinguished gentleman as yourself.
“I am not alone in my opinion of your fine news service.” He said. “All of us here at the scientific institute are avid readers of The National Reporter and look forward to your latest reports.”
The National Reporter – Why, thank you again Professor. That is quite a complement coming from a loyal reader and a person of your stature.

Now professor, we understand that you and the scientific team here at the science institute have discovered the origin of the electronic implant in the tooth and also how it was inserted, is this true?
“Yes.”
The National Reporter – That is really news. What was the reactrion of your team when they made the discovery?
“Most of us were shocked, yet the discovery had a calming effect on the members of the team.” he said.
The National Reporter – I could imagine it would have been quite a relief to everyone involved in such a lengthy research project to finally come to a conclusion solving the mystery.
“Yes, it was. It was a much needed relief.” He said. “The team and I were on the verge of calling it quits several times over the past few years. At times it became very frustrating as theory after theory fell apart and we had to start all over from the beginning.”
The National Reporter – Yes, I can understand why that would be frustrating.
“At first the discovery seemed so far fetched that none of us believed and we nearly dropped it to explore other possibilitys.”
The National Reporter – It’s a good thing you decided to continue on the theory that led your team to the truth.
“Yes, that is correct.” He said.
The National Reporter – How has this discovery impacted the scientific community?
“It has had quite an impact, especially in the field involving the technology of the implant and the method in which it was inserted into the mans tooth.”
The National Reporter – I bet it has. Have you contacted Wally Hanson with the news yet?
“Yes, We have.” The professor said.
The National Reporter – Was he as surprised as you and your team?
“Yes, he was. He was stunned when we told him what it was and how it ended up in his tooth without his knowledge of how it got there or what it was.”
The National Reporter – Who wouldn’t be stunned to find out something like that?
“Ha,ha,..not many people that I can think of.” The professor laughed.
The National Reporter – Well, thank you for your time Professor. Our readers will be excited when they find out that the mystery has been solved.
“I am sure they will.” he said.

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Dog eats peanut butter weiner, owner upset

Oh boy,..peanut butter!

The National Reporter
Jack Bellington of Albany NY was sitting home alone last July 6th after his wife and kids went to the movies.
He was feeling kind of mischievous in a perverted sort of way and decided that he was going to take advantage of the family’s new Labrador puppy, Tessy.
“I figured what the hell,.no one is home so um,.. you know,..heh,heh” he said.
“So I went to the kitchen and got out a jar of peanut butter and pulled out my John Henry and smeared some on it, then I called the dog.
He came in a second later wagging his tail and I was standing there wagging my peanut butter covered,..unit.”
The National Reporter -What happened then?
“Well He stood up on his hind legs when he smelled the peanut butter, then he licked a little off.
“Hell,.. I thought it was the funniest thing I ever saw, then all of a sudden the little bastard chomped down as hard as he could and it was gone!”
The National Reporter– It was gone?
“Yeah,..my damned crank was gone. The damned dog bit it off and he was chomping it down as fast as he could.
Before I knew what was happening it was gone.”
The National Reporter– That’s awful, but it is kind of funny.
“I don’t think it’s funny and neither does my wife. She’s not too happy at all, let me tell you.”
The National Reporter– What did you do after the dog bit it off?
“I called the ambulance, what do you think I did? Hell, I was bleeding to death.
The next day me and the kids followed the dog around waiting for him to you know,..pass it.
But it was no good, it wasn’t like the dog ate a gold ring or something like that.
He digested it and pooped it out.”
The National Reporter– What are you going to do now?
“Well,.. the doctors said they are going to insert a tube so I can go to the bathroom, but as far as any other activity’s, I’m finished.”
A tragic story indeed.
We here at the The National Reporter would like to stress to our readers that smearing your privates with peanut butter or any type of food to entice an animal to lick it off is very dangerous and should only be attempted by a trained professional.

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Maternity ward miracle, woman lays egg!

Edith Romwell and her bouncing baby egg are doing fine.

The National Reporter

Edith Romwell of Iowa surprised hospital officials at Des Moines general hospital maternity ward last week in what is being heralded as the very first incident of a human being laying an egg.
The bizarre miracle occurred last week after Edith arrived at Des Moines general hospital in extreme pain and an exceptionally swollen belly.
“When I saw how swollen she was I knew something strange was going on.” Nurse Betty Billingsly told us. “I have been a maternity nurse for over twenty years an I have never seen a woman that large. It was incredible.”
Because of its massive size, the egg had to be delivered via a cesarean section during a grueling seven hour procedure.
“When I opened her up I was completely puzzled by what I saw.” Doctor Farnsworth, chief surgeon said. “I mean,. it wasn’t what I was expecting to see. I opened her up and there was this weird solid white shell in front of me with pulsing veins and arteries. At first I thought it was a massive tumor, but then I realized that it was an egg like a bird would lay,. It blew my mind.”

The egg was covered with pulsing viens and arteries.

Biologists from all over the world have been arriving in Des Moines to study the strange egg.
“This much stranger than goat man baby.” Doctor Ilia Kragovich from the institute of Moscow told us.
“In my country man goat baby fall from sheep and die. We save remains in museum jar and have many people to see it all the time,. is true.”
For the time being, Edith Romwell and her husband have custody of the egg child pending an investigation by the federal department of strange birth investigations.
“ The thing that worries us the most is what is in side the egg.” Special agent Jackson Mooney told us.
“What if it isn’t human? What if it’s some sort of monster like a dinosaur or something? What then?

What then indeed.
As always, The National Reporter will keep our readers up to date on further developments in this strange case.

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Joke shop busted for selling prescription drugs as a novelty item

Prescription drugs should never be purchased in a joke store.

The National Reporter
Frankies Joke emporium, a popular joke and novelty store in Clearwater Florida, got a surprise visit yesterday morning from the DEA.
Acting on several complaints and reports of young people being treated in hospital emergency rooms for prescription drug abuse, special agents seized several boxes of prescription drugs from the business.
Frankie Wilson, the owner of Frankies joke emporium had been selling pills to young folk as a practical joke item.
The National Reporter spoke with Mr. Wilson in the county jail shortly after his arrest.
The National Reporter – So Mr.Wilson, can you tell us what you were arrested for?
“I was arrested for no good reason, that’s what I was arrested for.” He huffed.
The National Reporter – According to the arrest report, you were arrested for selling prescription drugs to kids. Is that true?
“well yeah, I suppose so. But I wasn’t selling it to them so they could get high or anything like that.”
The National Reporter – What were you selling it to them for then?
“You know,..for goofing around with their friends and stuff.”
The National Reporter – I’m not following you.
“I was watching a drug commercial one night and they had all the warnings about the side effects and I thought to myself that I could make a ton of money selling these pills as a prank item, you know, like itchy power.”
The National Reporter – A prank?
“Well yeah, you know, like if you take this one pill you will get diarrhea and stuff,..you know? Ha,ha,..some of those pills have so many funny side effects that they should sell them in joke stores anyway. They cause explosive diarreah, uncontrollable flatulance, vomiting and dizzyness. Funny stuff like that,.you know? ”
The National Reporter – I see.
“Yeah, and theres another one that makes you all paranoid and stuff and gives you nightmares and makes you think about commiting suicide. haw,haw,..it’s funny as all hell!”
The National Reporter – You have some what of a warped sense of humor Mr.Wilson.
“What,..um,..I do?”
The National Reporter – You were selling dangerous prescription drugs to kids as novelty items so that they could give them to unsuspecting people as a joke to watch them suffer from the side effects.
Didn’t you stop to think for one minute that someone could have died from these pills?
Mr. Wilsons eyes darted about his cell as he tugged on his index finger, his lower lip was quivering.
“I don’t know.” He said, quietly.
The National Reporter – What the hell was going through your mind when you were handing out these dangerous drugs to kids as if they were as harmless as rubber dog poo?
“I don’t know.”
Mr. Wilson is being held in the federal facilitys in Tampa until his trial date.
As of yet, no one has come forward to post his 1 million dollar bond.

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Hospital error sends human liver to cafeteria

Human liver donated by Palestinian child was rushed all the way from Israel

The National Reporter
A major hospital in the U.S. who’s identity is being withheld by The National Reporter in compliance with a gag order issued by a federal judge, was embarrassed by a terrible error that occurred in the hospital’s receiving department.
A human liver that was donated by a Palestinian youth and flown all the way from Israel for an emergency transplant, was accidentally redirected to the hospital’s cafeteria where it was promptly cooked and served to visitors.
“How the hell were we supposed to know it was a human liver!?” Chef John said angrely.”They are trying to put the full blame on me and my cooking staff,..they are the ones who sent us the damned liver!”

Human liver mistakenly served as a meal to hospital visitors

The National Reporter was refused an interview with the hospitals administration, but we did manage to meet with two of the doctors who were going to perform the emergency transplant.
“We were waiting for the liver for hours.” Doctor Brimwell said.”the pilot of the private jet that was flying the liver in from Israel kept us updated every fifteen minutes on his location and estimated time of arrival. When he made his last transmission he told us that he had landed and the liver had been placed in an emergency vehicle and was on its way to the hospital.”
The National Reporter -What happened next?
“Nothing happened.” his colleague Dr. Whanbana said. “We waited and waited but the liver never arrived.

Two frustrated and very angry Doctors. Brimwell on the left and Whanbana on the right.

“An hour after the liver left the airport we suspected that something was wrong, we assumed the ambulance got into an accident so we called the local police.” Doctor Brimwell explained. “The police told us that there had been no accidents involving an ambulance.”
“I checked downstairs to see if it was being held up by someone who was unaware of the urgency of the delivery, but no one knew anything about it.” Doctor Whanbana said.
“Then a dock worker told me a package arrived an hour earlier that said ‘Liver’ on it and it was sent to the kitchen. My heart sank when he told me that because I knew then what had happened, I just hoped that it wasn’t too late.”
“unfortunately we were too late.” Dr.Brimwell sighed. “If only we had waited on the delivery dock all of this would have been diverted.”
The National Reporter – So what happened to the liver?
“It was chopped up and cooked with onions and served to a gentleman and his wife who were visiting a sick friend. They had no idea that they were eating a human liver, in fact they even complimented the chef.”
The National Reporter – What happened to the patient who was waiting for the liver?
“He’s back on the dialysis machine waiting for another liver donor.” Dr. Whanbana said.” But our sources in Israel have informed us that another young Palestinian boy is eager to save the life of our patient and is willing to do what ever is necessary to save him.”

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Remarkable new strain of marijuana increases intelligence

John Farly is seen here holding his miraculous marijuana

The National Reporter
A Newton Massachusetts man has developed a new type of marijuana that he claims has the power to enhance the intelligence of anyone who smokes it.
John Farly announced his amazing new discovery last summer at the state science fair in Boston.
So far all of his test subjects claim that they have experienced an increase in intelligence after smoking the marijuana.
State drug control officers are keeping a close watch on Mr. Farly in case they decide to arrest him for violating Mass. drug laws.
“I don’t understand why they would want to arrest me.”Mr.Farly told us. “This is a good thing, not a bad thing.”

One of his test subjects, Carlos Beninto, invented and constructed a pair of makeshift wings while he was under going an intelligence boost with the help of John Farlys marijuana.
“I can’t believe how much this marijuana increased my intelligence.” He said “I invented, designed and built the wings within a half hour after smoking Johns amazing new marijuana.”

Carlos Beninto seen here wearing his fantastic flying wings.

John Farly has tried to obtain a U.S. patent for his new strain of marijuana several times, but his request has been turned down on the grounds that it violates U.S. drug laws.
The National Reporter went with Mr. Farly to district court last week to sit in on one of his appeals.
We were surprised when he showed up at the courthouse wearing what he calls his costume of defiance.
“I am wearing this to show my contempt for the government’s refusal to understand the importance of my new marijuana.” He explained. “If they don’t want to deal with John Farly then they can deal with Mr. Greenbean.”

John Farly is seen here entering district court disguised as his alter ego, Mr. Greenbean.

The National Reporter went into the court room with Mr. Farly and as soon as the judge saw him dressed up as Mr.Greenbean he let out a long muffled moan, removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes.
“Good morning Mr. Farly.” He groaned. “I see we are going to be Mr.Greenbean again today.”
“Mr.Farly? Who is Mr.Farly? I am Mr. Greenbean.” He answered, with a grin.
I could hear people around me in the crowded courtroom whispering, “It’s that pot guy again.”
Others were laughing and taking pictures of him with their cell phones.
John Farly ignored all the comments and the flashing cell phones and remained focused on his case.
As soon as the court officer announced that court was now in session, the judge called Mr. Farly to the bench.
He whispered someting to him, I couldn’t hear what it was.
A second later two baliffs walked over to Mr. Farly and escorted him out of the courtroom.
This reporter met up with him outside.
The National Reporter– What happed Mr. Farl,..I mean Mr. Greenbean?
“The judge said that he wouldn’t allow me to present my case as long as I was being Mr. Greenbean.”
The National Reporter– Well that doesn’t seem fair.
“You’re damned right it isn’t fair.” He said. “There isn’t anything in the constitution that says you can’t wear a costume to court.”
The National Reporter– I believe you are right, Mr. Greenbean. What are you going to do now?
“Well, being that they recognise me as Mr. Greenbean, my next move calls for a different disguise.” He said. “Perhaps I can get their attention wearing my Mr. potatohead costume.
The National Reporter– Good idea, I am sure that will catch their attention.
“Yes,..Mr. Potatoehead,…just what the doctor ordered.” He said.
After that he just sort of floated off and disapeared down the street talking to himself.

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Shocking Kennedy secret revealed; the tale of Ted’s tail.

The National Reporter
A secret that has been kept from the public for over 77 years has been exposed by a close confidant of the Kennedy clan.
The whistle blower, (who wishes to remain anonymous) has supplied The National Reporter with shocking unretouched photographs of Ted Kennedy taken at various times during his life.
What these photographs reveal has never been seen by anyone outside of the Kennedys tightly guarded political circle, until now.
As you can plainly see in these following unretouched photographs of Edward Kennedy, he had a condition known as Sacrococcygeal teratoma.
In laymans terms,..Ted Kennedy had a tail.

In this unretouched photograph, you can see Ted's tail protruding from under his suit in plain sight of the people behind him.

Photograph of Ted's tail in plain sight before being removed from the photograph with a computer imaging program.

This unflattering photo of the late senator was never shown until his tail was air brushed out of the image.

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Mysterious electronic implant discovered in mans tooth

Bizarre implant was discovered during routine dental exam.

The National Reporter
Wally Hanson, a sixty-seven year old retired police officer from Albany New York, got an unexpected surprize last week.
While visiting his dentist for a routine check up, a mysterious metallic object was discovered in his tooth.
“It’s weird as hell.”  He said.  “It’s a tiny electronic implant of some sort.  I have no idea how the hell it got there.  It wasn’t there the last time I had my teeth X-rayed a year ago.”
His dentist, Dr. Fred Wallington had this to say.
“I never saw anything like this.  There is no opening anywhere near the implant. No scarring or filling, it’s like it just grew there.”

There are no markings to indicate how the strange electronic implant was placed into the tooth.

Mr. Hanson contacted the FBI about his mysterious implant the day after it was discovered and they were very interested in finding out what it was.
He was immediately flown to Washington DC to under go some extensive tests.
Dr. Bernard of the FBI’s forensic medical investigations unit conducted several tests on the object and concluded that it was a transmitter of some sort and that  not only was it transmitting a  very high frequency signal,  it was also receiving an incoming signal.
What that incoming signal is and how it is effecting Mr. Hanson is a mystery.
“It doesn’t seem to be having any kind of effect on Mr. Hanson.” Dr. Bernard told us. “But we do know that every time it transmits, a few seconds later a signal is returned to the device.”
The National Reporter – How often does the implant send out signals?
“We’re not sure, but it seems to be at least four times a day. They are very short and easy to miss, so there may be more.  Some of them only last for a hundredth of a second, but despite the short transmission time, there is a lot of information being exchanged.”
The National Reporter – Do you have any idea who or what put the implant in Mr. Hanson’s tooth?
“Not yet, but it can be anything from some kind of marketing device placed in there by a corporation or a foreign government using it to spy on us. And we aren’t counting out extra terrestrial’s either.”
The National Reporter – Do you have any idea’s what the signals are saying?
“They are in some kind of code, but it isn’t the usual binary code.  This is weird, it’s in some sort of quad code.  So far we haven’t been able to make heads or tails out of it.”
The National Reporter – Have you tried to remove it?
“Yes, and when we did the implant immediately lost power and shut down.  Apparently it is rigged to disable itself if the tooth is removed, so we have to study it while it is in Mr. Hanson’s mouth.”

The FBI has still not been able to decipher the code or locate the origin of the implant.
They have informed The National Reporter they we would be notified when they have learned more about it.
Until then, we will just have to wait.

Breaking news flash!!

Click this link—Mystery of the electronic tooth implant has been solved!

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Eye implants enable researchers to see drug induced hallucinations on video monitors.

Eye ball implants will enable researchers to see the world through the eyes of drug users.

The National Reporter
Scientists at MIT’s nanotechnology labs have developed a new type of vision enhancing implant that can be mounted onto the eyeballs of volunteers.
Once in place, the implants pick up the brainwaves of the test subject while under the influence of mind altering drugs such as LSD and are able to transmit the actual hallucinogenic images they are seeing back to a monitor.
“This is a major breakthrough in the field of psychiatric medicine.” Doctor Fred Reeves told  The National Reporter.
“This device will allow us to see exactly what people under the influence of drugs see.  This will help us to understand how certain drugs effect the mind.”
The National Reporter  was on hand during the first field test of the new device to see how it worked.
The first subject was fitted with his broadcasting unit and then given a dose of LSD,  he was then equiped with an inconspicuous antenna that was mounted on top of the head like a hat.
When the LSD began to take effect,  the subject was led away from the test vehicle and set free to walk around the town as the excited scientists watched every thing he was seeing through the monitor.
After awhile the images started to become fuzzy with small flashes of colored light skittering around objects,  then things began to stretch out of shape as if time and space itself was being torn apart.
The scientists watched closely as the subject walked up to a police officer and stared at him for a few minutes.

The subject found the traffic officer very interesting for some reason.

When we looked at the monitor we could see what he found so interesting about the policeman.
In the drug abusers mind, the police officer had become a green clay like creature and the automobiles behind him had somehow morphed into a little troll bridge like one would see in a children’s fantasy film.

The police officer appeared to be a green creature made out of clay

An aide who was following the subject to make sure he didn’t get into any trouble, came forward and nudged him away from the police officer and guided him down the street a short distance.
When he began crossing over to sidewalk cafe that was bustling with people, he stopped dead in his tracks and stared wide-eyed at a pair of small people.
For the next few minutes the subject and the tiny couple were locked in a staring contest.
They of course had no idea that he was high on drugs, they thought he was being rude.

The tiny couple and the test subject were frozen in their tracks staring each other down.

Back at the lab’s video monitor we could see exactly what our subject was seeing in his drugged up stupor and it was truly amazing.
To him, the dwarf couple appeared to be some sort of alien creatures and they were making strange sounds, like birds peeping and chirping.
Everything in the background, people, cars and objects seemed to be moving in slow motion and an odd sound like a deep oscillating hum was echoing from the distance.

The dwarf couple appeared to be small alien type beings squirming and making peeping sounds.

After a few minutes, the dwarf couple gave the test subject a dirty look and walked off.
He started to follow them but he was intercepted by the aid and brought back to the lab.
The scientists figured he had too much LSD and that he might get himself into trouble.
The subject was sedated and placed on a cot with his arms and legs strapped down for safety reasons while the scientists sat at the monitors reviewing the recordings of his LSD adventure.
“This is going to be a major breakthrough in the study of drug induced psychosis.” Doctor Freely said. “Instead of guessing what is wrong with a patient and taking great risk to calm them down when they are in this condition, emergency room personal will be able to see what is going on in the minds of their patients and it will be much easier for them to treat them.”
The National Reporter – It’s also very amusing to see the bizarre things that they are seeing.
“Yes, it is.” Doctor Freely said.

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Parasite turns honor roll student into class idiot

Billy Compton began exhibiting bizzare behavior after he returned from spring break in Florida

The National Reporter
Billy Compton, an honor roll student who attends school at Beverly high school in Beverly Massachusetts, went to Florida for spring break last year like thousands of other students from around the country.
One his third night in Florida, he enjoyed a meal of fried craw daddys at a local eatery with a group of his friends.
The next night he began to feel a strange sensation in the front of his head.
“It felt like something was moving around in my head.” He said.
By the time he returned home his behavior had changed radically.
The former honor roll student was starting to have sudden uncontrolable impulses to behave erratically.
The National Reporter interviewed some of his school mates to find out more.
“He got out of his seat in history class and started waddling around the room flapping his arms and saying, “I am a cheese cake, look at me go!” Sally Moore said.
Sophmore Ricky Flanigan said, “This guy came into the gym while we were playing basketball and told us to stop sending ghosts to his house. Then he started crying, it really weirded us out.”
School officials finally advised his parents to send him to the hospital to find out what was wrong with him after he sneaked into the principals office and used his telephone to call the police to report a disturbance at the school.
He told them that a tractor trailor was parked illegally in his seat and the driver wouldn’t stop blasting the air horn.
When the doctors examined him they were agast at what they found.
A catscan revealed a large foriegn object in his brain and it was alive.
They performed immediate emergency surgery to remove the object.
“When we opened up the front of his skull I almost jumped out of my skin.” Doctor Barnhiem told us.
“There was this,..thing,..staring out at us from the incision and it was trying to bury itself deeper into his brain to get away from us. It was absolutley hidious, like something you would see in a horror film.”

This,..thing, was staring out at us from his incision. It was like something out of a horror movie.

The surgical team removed the parasite as carefully as they could so they would not cause any further injury to Billy.
“It put up quite a struggle, it was pretty strong and it was hanging onto him like a tick, but we eventually managed to pry the bastard loose and get it out of his head.” Head trauma specialist Francine Worthrite told us.

Surgical team member, Francine Worthrite holding up the enormous parasite seconds after it was removed from Billy Comptons brain.

The parasite was squirming and struggling to free itself as it was placed into a specimen container which was sent to the department of agriculture for species identification.
“We don’t know what that thing was, I never saw anything like in all my years as a doctor. Maybe the scientists in DC can figure out what it is.” Doctor Barnhiem said.
The National Reporter Went to Florida to investigate the food that was being served at the diner where Billy Compton and his friends ate that night, but the building was vacant and up for rent.
The landlord didn’t know where the former tenants went.
“They removed all their equipment and cleared out without saying anything to me.” He told us.
The National Reporter is happy to inform our readers that Billy Compton is doing well and is expected to make a complete recovery.
He will be returning to school in a month and the students at Beverly High school are eager to welcome him back.

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