NASA tests young inventors rescue device

This tiny rocket engine can save the lives of astronauts

The National Reporter
An Ohio inventor approached NASA officials two years ago with a device he had invented claiming that it could save the lives of astronauts who found themselves unable to return to their space craft after their tether cord broke.
This nightmarish scenario has been a major worry to NASA since the first astronaut walked in space nearly fifty years ago.
But now thanks to this young inventor, that nightmare may be a thing of the past.
27 year old Wooster Ohio resident George Dewey came up with the ingenious idea of utilizing methane gas produced in the human digestive tract as fuel to power his tiny rocket engine which would propel the astronaut back to his space craft safe and sound.
The National Reporter went to Wooster Ohio to get an exclusive interview with George Dewey.
The National Reporter Congratulations on you invention Mr.Dewey.
“Thank you, I hope it saves someones life someday.”
The National Reporter – Can you tell us exactly how your invention operates in layman’s terms so that we can share it with our readers?
“I would be happy to” He said. “It’s really quite simple. The intake tube is inserted into the astronauts rectum via a small zippered portal in his space suit. Once it is firmly in place, the astronaut presses the green button on the control pad which is located on the back of his glove. This unleashes a capsule into his helmet that he takes orally.”
The National Reporter – What are the ingredients of this capsule?
“The capsule contains concentrated indigestible sugars. Once it has been swallowed it promote the formation of large quantities of intestinal gas within a matter of minutes. The gas that this particular type of sugar produces is naturally rich in highly flammable methane.”
The National Reporter – Yes, I am familiar with this particular gaseous compound. I have seen quite a few young people experimenting with its flammable property’s on internet video sites such as youtube.
“Exactly.” He said. “unfortunately a lot of these young scientists have been careless with their experiments and have needlessly suffered nasty burns and even caused occasional property damage. I urge everyone reading this to take extreme caution when you are conducting experiments with this gas. This can be extremely hazardous and it is nothing to play around with.
Any kind of testing with this gas that involves lighting it should only be conducted by qualified rocket scientists.”

The National Reporter urges all of our readers to take George Deweys advice if you are contemplating any type of experimenting with this gas.

The National Reporter – Once the astronaut takes the capsule and the gas is being produced, what happens next?
“The gas is then transferred through the plastic insertion tube to the compression tank on the side of the engine. While it is being filled, a small LED gauge on the astronauts visor tells him when it ready to fire. He can then rotate himself just like his space crafts retro rockets are able to rotate and position the craft. Once he is in the right position, he simply fires the rocket and it takes him home to his ship.
The National Reporter – That is incredible.
“Not really, it’s just science.” George said.
The National Reporter – How did you feel when you got the call from NASA informing you that they had tested your rocket and that it had performed perfectly?
“I was speechless.” He said. “It was completely unexpected. I presented them with the engine two years ago but they never contacted me.
Then out of the blue I got the phone call and they told me my engine was tested in orbit and that it worked very well. A few hours later they faxed a photograph over to me showing the astronaut using my engine. This has all been quite thrilling for me and my family.”

Astronaut Jim Barns is seen here testing George Deweys methane powered rescue rocket.

The National Reporter too bad we can’t get a photograph of the engine. I am sure our readers would really like to see what it looks like.
“No problem.” George said. “I just happen to have the prototype right here.”
He walked over to his dresser and pulled open the top drawer, he removed the prototype and pulled it up his legs until the rocket engine was positioned directly over his gas port.
“What do you think?” He asked. “Do you think your readers would want one?”
The National Reporter -Only if they are going into outer space,..Ha,ha!
“Ha,ha,..Yeah, probably.” He said.

George Dewey is seen here wearing the prototype of his methane powered rescue rocket.

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Man who tried to mug Alison Angel gets fifteen years in prison

Don't mess with this chick! Victorious Alison Angel posing like Rocky Balboa on the L.A. county court house steps after her assailant was sentenced to fifteen years in prison.

The National Reporter

The man who tried to mug adult film star Alison Angel was found guilty today on all the charges.
Alison Angel sat with her friend and karate instructor Gianna Michaels as the jury read the verdict to the packed courtroom.
Her assailant, 24-year-old Abdul Mustafa was found guilty of trespassing, assault, attempted rape, possession of a knife and possession of a controled dangerous substance.
Officials discovered a sizable amount of heroin concealed on his person when he was booked into the county jail last December.
When the verdict was announced, Miss Angel and Miss Michaels lept to their feet and hugged each other.
“We were so afraid that they were going to let him go, you know how the courts are.” Miss Angel told The National Reporter.
“I was so glad when the judge handed him fifteen years in the slammer.” Miss Michaels said. “I hope he likes having big Bubba as a roommate for the next decade.”

Abdul Mustafa, who still hasn't fully recovered from the beating he received from Alison Angel, is seen here hobbling into court for his sentencing.

After the trial, Miss Angel walked out side followed by a crowd of news reporters and struck up a victorious pose imitating Sylvestor Stallone in the movie ‘Rocky’ when he ran to the Philadelpia city hall and stood on the stairs surrounded by hundreds of his fans.
Miss Angel showed off her new purple athletic shirt with the Gojo-Ryu Karate emblem on the front.
As you may recall from the original report on the case, Miss Angel holds a brown belt in Goju-Ryu Karate and her friend Gianna Michaels who holds a third degree black belt is her instructor.

Read the original report here

“I wanted the shirt to psyc out the creep when he saw her wearing it.” Gianna said. “That Goju-Ryu fist caught his eye as soon as he limped into the courtroom on his crutches. He knows what it means and he better respect it.”
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Rapper Kanye West #1 suspect in empire state building feces fiasco

The observation deck of the empire state building attracts thousands of visitors a week.

The National Reporter

Rapper Kanye West who is best known for his compulsion to upstage celebritys with ourageous interruptions is suspected of defecating high atop the empire state building on the observation deck.
“I saw him walking away from the area where it ( the poop) was discovered and he was pulling his pants up, you should have seen the look on his face when I snapped his picture,” Harvey Lowell said.
Mr. Lowell gave The National Reporter a copy of his famous photograph so that we could share it with our readers.

Kanye West is seen here fleeing the scene of the crime while quickly pulling up his trousers.

The National Reporter is not going to say he is guilty of public defecation or not since we are not in the business of starting rumors or making things up, but after examining the photograph it becomes very clear why the NYPD considers Kanye West the number one suspect in the case.
The fece’s was removed early this morning by the special investigations unit and is expected to be flown to Washington for a full analysis in the FBI’s forensics lab.

NYPD taping off the scene of the crime.

The reason why kanye West is the number one suspect in this case isn’t just because of the damning evidence and the photograph.
It is because he has done this sort of thing before.
In November 2008 he urinated on his dressing floor at the MTV awards show in England.

Kanye West pee’s on dressing room floor

The NYPD and the FBI have asked for any witnesses to come forward who may have seen who is responsible for this filthy act of vandalisim.
Your name and address will be held in the strictest confidence.

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© The National Reporter, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sleazy tabloid plagiarizes story from The National Reporter!

The Global Tabloids Feb. 10, 2010 is out right theft of The National Reporter's Dec. 7th, 2009 article.

The National Reporter

The lowlife sleazy scum who run The Global Tabloid have once again shown their inability and unwillingness to report the truth with the same honesty and integrity as the dedicated men and women at The National Reporter who work tirelessly to bring our readers the truth.
They have plagiarized our exclusive story about the very first authentic photograph taken of legendary Jersey devil that The National Reporter showed to the world on December 7th, 2009. two months prior to The Global Tabloids theft of our story.

Read the original Story here.
The Jersey devil captured on film!

As soon as The Global Tabloid’s rag hit the stands this morning, our readers began swamping our phones with complaints.
Many of them are experienced lawyers who have offered to sue The Global Tabloid for plagiarism on our behalf, but we had to decline their generous offer.
The National Reporter has a legal staff who are experts on plagiarism cases.
What upset us is the fact that so many people are going to buy The Global tabloid and believe that they were the first news service to break the story.
What really made us angry was the bogus images they used which we will examine right now.

In the first photo which was also used on the cover, we see what is supposed to be the Jersey devil standing in front of an old abandoned house in the woods.
This looks nothing at all like the real Jersey devil, which of course can be proven very easily by comparing it to the genuine photograph taken by Dave Morrison.
Anyone can see that this is an actor wearing a pair of phony bat wings.

Cover photo. Anyone can see that this is obviously an actor.

In the second photograph we see the same actor standing behind a fence in a menacing stance.
This is the photograph that necessitated the disclaimer on the front page warning the readers that it was so frightening that viewing it can make them to throw up.

According to the Global Tabloid's warning, this image is so scary that it can make you throw up.

After close examination of these photographs The National Reporter has concluded without a shadow of a doubt that they are not the Jersey devil, they are fake.
With that in mind, the public has to come to the realisation that there are unscrupulous news agencys out there who will lie, plagiarize and fabricate ridiculous storys for their own selfish reasons.
They don’t care if their storys cause the public to panic, that is not their concern.
Their only concern is how much money they can squeeze out of John Q. Public.
And it isn’t just the seedy news reporters who make this junk up, there are also the every day ordinary people who get involved with them to make money as well.
We decided to track down the actor who played the Jersey devil for The Global Tabloid to find out who he is and why he sold out to that sleeze rag.
It didn’t take us very long thanks to The National Reporters face identification machine.
We scanned the face of the actor in the fake Jersey devil images and within a few minutes the owner of said face was identified.
It was none other than former Happy days star, Henry Winkler.
According to people who know him, this is just the sort of thing that he would do.
Apparently he thought lying to millions of people and helping a sleazy paper like the Global Tabloid would be a fun way to spend his weekend.

Aaaaaayyyy,... the fonz had fun making a few bucks fooling all you idiots who read The Global Tabloid!

And now to show our readers what real reporting is all about, we have for you an exclusive photograph taken by an army private stationed at Fort Dix NJ, which is located inside the pine barrens.
There are only two genuine photographs of the Jersey devil in existance and The National Reporter has been given exclusive rights to both of them.
Don’t fall for any sleazy tabloid who says they have photographs of the Jersey devil.

Photograph of the Jersey devil hiding in the ruins of an old house inside of the pine barrens. This photograph was taken by an Army private from nearby Fort Dix who wishes to remain anonymous.

Fort Dix Army private who took the photograph seen here stealing a television set from recreation hall. His face has been blacked out to protect his identity.

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© The National Reporter, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Get out of the way, here comes the insult bus!

The insult bus making its rounds through New Yorks citys famous SoHo section

The National Reporter

While sitting at a traffic light a year ago listening to people yelling at each other, 43 year old Martin Fromwell came up with an idea that would rake in thousands of dollars.
“Why not cash in on peoples hatred for each other?” He thought to himself.
Martin went to work right away working on his project and a year later he launched the insult bus.
The insult bus is a a bus where paying customers can yell insults, swear words and make obscene hand gestures at pedestrians walking along the streets.
“It’s a great way to vent off your frustrations or just have fun insulting total strangers.” Mr. Fromwell explained. “And it’s completely safe. No one can get on the bus once the doors and windows are locked and the bus has an open top deck that is twelve feet above the ground so people can scream at their victims below in complete safety.”

Mary Johnson (standing at the left in the blue shirt) with a group of passengers preparing to enjoy a trip down 42nd on the insult bus.

The National Reporter was invited to take a trip on the insult bus and interview some of the passengers to find out why this has become such a phenomenal success.
First up we interviewed Mary Johnson who is a regular insult bus passenger.
The National Reporter – What makes you want to scream at total strangers an make fun of them?
“I like it because it’s a perfect way to get all of my frustrations out,..hold on a moment.”
A second later, Mary had her head out the window screaming at an obese gentleman on the sidewalk.
“Hey you big fat smelly lard ass, you’re cracking the sidewalk. Why don’t you just float to where you’re going, ya big fat ****ing blimp!”
“Yeah,..you fat piece of crap. Get off the sidewalk and make room for the normal sized people like that ugly bald headed bastard behind you!” A passenger yelled from up top.
Some of the passengers were leaning out the windows giving the finger to pedestrians and screaming insults at them at the top of their lungs.

The passengers where shouting some of the most obscene degrading things at passer by that this reporter has ever heard.

No one was safe from their onslaught as the insult bus made it’s way down crowded 42nd street.
They hurled every racial epithet imaginable, they even insulted handicapped children in wheelchairs and crutches who where getting some fresh air in front of the children’s hospital.
After the bus had passed the crippled children and the yelling and laughing died down a little, I continued my interview with Ms. Johnson.
The National Reporter – Do you ever worry that the people you insult might recognize you on the street or follow the bus back to the terminal to get even with you?
“No, not really.” She said. “Why should I worry about that? This is fun and thinking about stuff like that just ruins it.”
“Hey douchebag!” A man next to me yelled loudly. “You got a big nose, you fat ugly retarded looking faggot!”
The man he was yelling at glared back angrily and gave him the middle finger.

The victims are helpless and can do little more than make a feeble attempt at returning the insults.

As the insult bus made its rounds up and down 42nd street leaving a hundreds of very angry people in it’s wake, I walked up stairs to the open upper deck to speak with the top riders.
“Hey string bean!” A woman in red yelled. “Watch out you don’t get stuck in a crack, ya boney assed piece of crap!”
Her two young children were sitting next to her giving everyone on the street the middle finger.
The National Reporter – Excuse me madam, do you think it is alright to let your children make such obscene gestures to total strangers like That?
“Yeah sure,..why not?” She said.
The National Reporter – Don’t you think it would be better if you taught them to respect people?
“What the hell are you talking about?”
The National Reporter – Children should be raised to respect people, not insult and ridicule them.
“Hey ma,..look at the big fat ass on this broad coming up!” her six year old son yelled out excitedly.
She spun around and laughed when she saw the portly woman down below.
An instant later the street echoed with insults containing the words, “fat ass and lard ass” bellowing from the mouths of every passenger on the bus both top and bottom.
“Hey lard ass, can I park my Harley between those ****ing beach balloons!?”
“Walk backwards big ass, I want to hear your back up alarm!”
“I’ll bet your farts sound like a ****ing air horn!”
The poor woman was humilated.
She looked like she was going to cry, her face was bright red and she refused to look at her tormenters.
“I’ll bet it takes you 24 hours to spin that big ass ass around just once!”
“Look how big her ****ing ass is! HA,HA,HA!” Mary Johnson yelled out.
As they were yelling insults at the poor woman, a man with thick eye glasses exited a store in front of her.
“Hey, look out four eyes!” the womans six year old daughter yelled out. “You’re gonna get sucked into that ladys giant ass because of her gravity!”
“Yeah Poindexter,..watch out for her fat ass!” Her mother added.

And that was the way it went for the rest of the trip.
The passengers were yelling obscene degrading insults at complete strangers on the streets of new york city sometimes right in front of the police, who by the way did nothing about it.
If anyone is interested in taking a trip on the insult bus you can buy tickets at the terminal located at 54 38th street in NYC.
Tickets are $50 for adults and $25 dollars for children.
The insult bus operates weekdays and Saturdays from 8:00am to 6:00pm.
Please do not toss objects from the bus while it is in motion.

© The National Reporter, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Miller beer; “We will be the first company to carve our logo on the moon!”

Miller brewery's plan to deface the moon with their company logo has millions hopping mad

 

The National Reporter 

Miller brewery announced this week that they were going ahead with their plan to be the first company in history to carve their logo on the surface of the moon.
The construction of the logo is expected to begin early this summer as soon as the construction crew has been adequately trained to perform the task.
The logo’s designers have informed The National Reporter that once completed, the Miller logo will be seventy one miles high and one hundred and thirty eight wiles wide.
The logo will be easy to view with the naked eye.
When The National Reporter asked the head of Millers moon operation who would be manning the ship, we were met with a surprise answer.
Instead of trained astronauts as one would expect, they told us that the ship would manned by the same people they employ in their brewery. 

Miller brewery's rocket Suds 1 sitting on it's launch pad behind the brewery.

 

The National Reporter – Are you telling us that the people you put in charge of this mission are going to be ordinary civilians with no training in space flight?
“That’s right.” Miller president Norman Adami said. “We are going to round up the exactly same type of people that we employ in our brewerys and after a brief training period we will be sending them to the moon to work on the most ambitious construction project in the history of mankind.”
The National Reporter – Isn’t that just a tad risky?
“What do you mean?”
The National Reporter – Well, the whole idea of sending unqualified people on a space mission sounds like a recipe for disaster.
“Once they are fully trained they will be qualified.” President Adami said. “Besides, they are all volunteers who know exactly what they are getting into. We asked them if they wanted to have steady work for the next year and they all said they did.” 

Volunteers for Miller brewerys moon mission gathered at a secret location in the Arizona desert.

 

The volunteers began their training behind Millers warehouses and The National Reporter was there.
Company spokesman Earl Sandwich took us on a tour of the training facility.
What we saw was quite impressive considering Miller brewery was a brewery and not a company involved with space travel or the manufacture of space ships.
They had managed to assemble an array of training equipment, most of which was makeshift, what most people would refer to as Mickey Mouse set ups.
While the quality of the training equipment wasn’t exactly on par with the million dollar equipment used by NASA, it worked very well.
Perhaps Miller beer could teach the big spenders over at NASA a thing or two about astro-economics. 

Three Miller beer astronauts training in the G force simulator.

 

Within a month after Miller finalized their plan to go to the moon to carve their company logo into it’s surface, they had nearly finished “Suds 1”, the first commercially built space ship that will go to the moon.
“Suds 1 is quite a remarkable feat of engineering.” Miller rocket scientist Jack Weber told us. “We bought a Gemini fuselage from Nasa for a few hundred dollars and installed some old Nike missile rockets engines on it. After that we set up some very simple controls that basically operate on human power.”
The National Reporter – Human power?
“Yes,..it is really very simple.” He explained. ” If you want the ship to go left, everyone on board leans left. If you want it to go right, everyone leans right. It’s that simple.”
The National Reporter – How do they know which way to lean?
“The captain tells them which way to lean. He has a window and can see where they are heading at all times. If they are heading in the wrong direction, all he has to do is shout out which way to lean and the ship will go in that direction.”
The National Reporter – He shouts it? Why does he have to shout which way to go?
“Well, because of all the corners we had to cut. This is a very expensive mission, so we did away with anything that was unneccessary, like the PA system.”
The National Reporter – I see, so the captain just shouts out commands to the crew.
“That’s right.” 

After we were given the tour of Millers space training facility we were taken to the launch pad behind warehouse # 8 to see the crew rehearse for their mission.
Most of them seemed a little confused about what they were doing, but the training technicians assured us that this was completely normal. 

The crew of Suds 1 entering the ship to rehearse for next summers mission to the moon.

 

What we saw when we entered the ship behind the crew was really amazing.
The ship was completely stripped down to the bare essentials to reduce the weight and also to create more space so that they could transport as many astronauts as possible.
This meant that there were no facility’s to dispose of bodily waste.
Since the trip would only take six days it was deemed unneccessary by mission control.
The astronauts were training themselves to hold it in for long periods of time and they would not be eating or drinking much on the trip anyway because the food pantrys and rest room facilitys were removed to make space for more astronauts.
We climbed into the ship behind the crew and began photographing the interior of the ship as the crew took up their stations.
As soon as the door closed behind us their training simulation began.
We could hear technicians out side making loud noises and rocking the ship around on it’s launch platform to simulate take off.
It was very exciting. 

Top: Command team at the controls.Bottom:Labor crew waiting for the lean command.

 

unfortunately for Miller brewery, their moon mission is being frowned upon by the rest of the world, especially the astronomers union.
“This is an outrage!” Ken Baun , Meade telescope’s Senior Vice President of Engineering said. “The moon belongs to all of humanity, who the hell do they think they are going up there to vandalize it with their company logo?”
Mr. Baun is not alone with his anger.
The entire scientific community is up in arms threatening to enact a worldwide boycott against Miller beer and all of its subsidiaries.
“If they think they can get away with this, they better think again!” Famed astronomer and author David Levy said. “What are they going to do next, paint their brand name on the Mona Lisa?” 

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