Prehistoric man may have lived like the Flintstones

Prehistoric homes like this may have been a reality in days gone by.

The National Reporter
Archeologists in New Mexico have discovered startling evidence that our prehistoric ancestors may have been more advanced than we previously assumed.
While working on a typical dig in New Mexico, Dr. Jacob Turner from the university of Nebraska uncovered what appears to be a stone wheel that may have been used to cart human beings around in a primitive form of automobile very similar to the automobiles that were used by the Flintsones on the popular Hanna Barbera cartoon show.

Dr.Jacob Turner is shown here with his famou s”Flintstone” wheel close to where it was uncovered.

“I have little doubt that this stone wheel was used to transport primitive people around much in the same way the Flintstones were portrayed in the popular cartoon series.” Dr. Turner told The National Reporter.
“I agree.” His colleague Dr. Femmer added. “We have suspected that prehistoric man was more advanced than previously thought. This is evidenced by the discovery of the monolith in Belize south America a few years ago in the Yucatan peninsula.”

prehistoric monolith discovered in Belize

The National Reporter “Wasn’t there some type of dwelling found around here that was very similar to the Flintstone house?”
“Yes there was, Dr. Turner said. “It was found two miles from our present location in the late 1950’s and may have been the inspiration for the cartoon series.”

Was this prehistoric dwelling the inspiration for the Flintstones cartoon show?

The National Reporter “So what you are saying is the creators of the Flintstones may have borrowed the idea from actual prehistoric artifacts?”
“That is correct.”
The National Reporter “Do you think this discovery will have any effect on how the public views the television series now that it has been established to have been factual?”
“I don’t know.” Dr. Turner replied.
The National Reporter will keep our readers updated on any new developments as this story unfolds.

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Actor Danny Bonaduce finds huge gold nugget in Alaska

You're not going to believe what I just found!

The National Reporter
Actor Danny Bonaduce was invited by friends to go on a week-long gold hunting expedition in Alaska last month.
“It was just something to do, you know, get out in the fresh air and enjoy nature.” He said. “I never expected to find any gold, none of us really did. We just wanted to have a little fun, that’s all.”
The National Reporter– How did you find the gold nugget?
“Well, we were panning for gold along the shoreline for a few hours and I started getting bored and my legs were cramping, so I decided to wade out into the water and look under rocks to see if I could find a gold nugget.”
The National Reporter– Yes, that is where they usually hide.
“I picked up a few rocks to see if any gold was under them when I saw this good sized yellow rock next to some big boulders.
I reached in and picked it up and as soon as I held it up I just froze.
The first thing I thought was that no way in hell this is what it looked like. But then I became aware of how heavy it was.”
The National Reporter– Yes, gold is a very heavy element.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes, I just found a gold nugget that was almost as big as a bowling ball!”
The National Reporter– What was your first reaction?
“I got on my cell phone and called home to tell everyone the good news.

The National Reporter– We understand you had some problems when you returned home. Can you give us details?
“Yeah,..As soon as I got off the plane the ****ing IRS was right there jumping all over me grabbing my luggage and going through my pockets.
They grabbed the satchel with the gold nugget and ripped it open. They literally ripped it open, they didn’t bother to unzip it.”
The National Reporter– Would you say they were like animals tearing apart a carcass?
“I wouldn’t, but you can. They have my name and address.”
The National Reporter– What did they do with the gold nugget when they found it?
“They ran away with it, they just ran away with it. The satchel was still spinning on the ground and they were already gone. It was like being in a cartoon”
The National Reporter – Did you complain to the IRS?
“Sure I did, but they just told me this is how the new economy works and if I don’t like it they will send me to a re-education camp.”
The National Reporter – The new economy is a wonderful thing.
“Yeah,..don’t you just love the change?”

To date, Mr.Bonaduce has not received any information from the IRS concerning his gold nugget.

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RC helicopters with video cameras irk sorority houses across the nation

Women sharp shooters stand guard ready to blast RC helicopters from the sky.

The National Reporter
Ever since remote controlled helicopters began packing video cameras as standard equipment womens sorority houses across the nation have come under siege with hundreds of the annoying flying contraptions peeking into their windows.
“We have had enough of this nonsense!” Mary Standford of the Kapa Kapa’s told us.
“Every day it’s the same thing, We are in our bedroom and we look up at the window and there is one of those damed things hovering there peeking in.”
The National Reporter – That’s sounds awful, what are you doing about it?
“Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. We have stationed women sharpshooters around our sorority houses and they are blasting these things to pieces.”
The National Reporter – How many have they shot down?
“We lost count, the damned things keep coming and coming non stop day and night. We shoot one down and five or six more fly past and head straight for the windows.”

They keep coming and coming non stop day and night.

“Sometimes the lawn gets so littered with the smoking debris of these things we have to call the fire department.”

The National Reporter – Interviewed one of the nearby local residents and asked them what they thought of the problem being caused by the RC helicopters.
“Sometimes they open up on a whole squadren of the damed things, it sounds like a war going on.” Jack McKinnley told us.
“The girls do their best to down the damned things, but they just keep coming.
I don’t know where the people who are flying them get all their money from, they must be spending a fortune.”
The National Reporter – Have they been bothering you as well?
“They don’t peek into my windows if that’s what you mean. They want to peek in the windows at the sorority house, you know why,.heh,heh,heh.
They get on my nerves because they fly over my house when they attack the girls house.
All night and day I can hear them flying over and hovering over the roof, plus the never ending barrage of shot guns going off down the street keeps me awake most of the night.”
The National Reporter – What are the police doing about the problem?
“The cops say it is out of their jurisdiction because it is matter for the FAA. The FAA refuses to handle it because they say it’s a problem for the FCC because the helicopters are radio controlled.”

Female sharp shooter takes aim at a hovering intruder as another lies smoking on the ground to her left.

The National Reporter – tracked down the perpetrators at the nearby nerdly fraternity house and we asked them why they were doing it.
“What do you mean why?” Stanly Stuart said. He seemed surprised that we would ask such a question as if we didn’t already know why they were doing it.
“To see some stuff,..you know?” He said.
The National Reporter – To see some stuff?
“Yeah, you know,..girls and,..you know,..stuff.”
The National Reporter – Stuff like what?
By now Stanly and the other students seemed like they were getting nervous with my questioning.
There eyes darted about and they were shuffling on their feet.
“You know,..stuff in the girls bedrooms,..and stuff,.you know?”
The National Reporter – I don’t know what you mean. Can you be more specific?”
Stanlys face was beet red by this time and most of his fraternity brothers had quietly slipped out of the room.

Fred Walston (Center holding the helicopter) and his nerd chopper squad showing off one of their RC video helicopters.

“You know,..like girls in their bras and stuff. You know?”
The National Reporter -Oh I see, you are using the helicopters to peep on the girls as they are getting undressed.
“Well,..um,.no,..not really.”
By this time Stanly looked like he was going to pass out at any second.
The National Reporter -Not really? What other reasons do you have for peeking into the girls bedrooms?
Just as Stanly looked like he was goung to pass out, his science teacher Fred Walston stormed into the room.
“Who are you?” He demanded.
The National Reporter -I am an investigative reporter for the The National Reporter We are doing a story on the hoards of RC helicopters that your students are using to peek into the womens sorority house down the street.
“I don’t know what you are talking about.” He said. “You have to get out of here now, this is private property and you’re trespassing.”
The National Reporter -Oh I see. you don’t like it when someone is trespassing, but it’s OK for you to peek into the womens sorority house with your RC helicopters?
“I happen to be very good friends with the Chief of police.” He told us.
The National Reporter -Is that why the police refuse to do anything about your RC helicopter antics?

At this time the local police arrived and escorted this reporter off of the property with a warning not to return.
I think we all know what is going on and the The National Reporter urges everyone to write their representatives to complian.

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Ancient Martian building may have been a brothel

Ancient martian building first photographed in 1987 may have been used as a house of ill repute millions of years ago by Martians.

 

The National Reporter
The famous ruins that were first discovered and photographed on Mars way back in 1987 may reveal some clues to the nature of the civilisation that built it.
Scientific data accumulated from the photographs and from recent discoverys indicate that the building was in the center of Martian activity much in the same way that brothels dominated frontier boom towns in the U.S.
It has been suggested that ancient Martians worked as miners in the nearby mountains and they may have spent their earnings in the local house of prostitution just like miners did on Earth in the 1800’s.
“They were very much like us.” Doctor George Westly of The National Institute of ancient studies told us.
“The ancient Martian men would go to work in the nearby mountains toiling underground for hours on end and at the end of the week they would reward themselves with a trip to the local bawdy house just like their human counterparts on Earth.”
Although Dr.Westlys theory has attracted the attention of a public eager to delve into what could be a lascivious past of the long extinct Martian race, it has also drawn quite a bit of criticism from the scientific community.
“Westly is an idiot, plain and simple.” Professor Alex Cantone huffed. “A martian whorehouse? Bah,..rubbish!” 

Close up of the suspected den of iniquity nestled in the hills of the Martian landscape.

 

Dr.Westly has defended his Martian bordello theory at several scientific seminars across the globe in recent months.
“I don’t understand why my colleagues are having such a hard time believing the truth about the ancient Martians.” He told us. “I don’t understand why they can’t just accept the fact that these were ordinary people with ordinary needs just like us.
Why do they have to embrace the silly image of Martians being super intelligent and advanced?
People who think that way have watched way too many science fiction movies.” 

For now the Martian cat house theory is still being discussed within scientific circles but not taken seriously, much to the dismay of Dr. Westly.
“I will take this to the public and present all of my evidence that this was a brothel.” he said. “The truth will not be denied and I will show the world.” 

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NASA tests young inventors rescue device

This tiny rocket engine can save the lives of astronauts

The National Reporter
An Ohio inventor approached NASA officials two years ago with a device he had invented claiming that it could save the lives of astronauts who found themselves unable to return to their space craft after their tether cord broke.
This nightmarish scenario has been a major worry to NASA since the first astronaut walked in space nearly fifty years ago.
But now thanks to this young inventor, that nightmare may be a thing of the past.
27 year old Wooster Ohio resident George Dewey came up with the ingenious idea of utilizing methane gas produced in the human digestive tract as fuel to power his tiny rocket engine which would propel the astronaut back to his space craft safe and sound.
The National Reporter went to Wooster Ohio to get an exclusive interview with George Dewey.
The National Reporter Congratulations on you invention Mr.Dewey.
“Thank you, I hope it saves someones life someday.”
The National Reporter – Can you tell us exactly how your invention operates in layman’s terms so that we can share it with our readers?
“I would be happy to” He said. “It’s really quite simple. The intake tube is inserted into the astronauts rectum via a small zippered portal in his space suit. Once it is firmly in place, the astronaut presses the green button on the control pad which is located on the back of his glove. This unleashes a capsule into his helmet that he takes orally.”
The National Reporter – What are the ingredients of this capsule?
“The capsule contains concentrated indigestible sugars. Once it has been swallowed it promote the formation of large quantities of intestinal gas within a matter of minutes. The gas that this particular type of sugar produces is naturally rich in highly flammable methane.”
The National Reporter – Yes, I am familiar with this particular gaseous compound. I have seen quite a few young people experimenting with its flammable property’s on internet video sites such as youtube.
“Exactly.” He said. “unfortunately a lot of these young scientists have been careless with their experiments and have needlessly suffered nasty burns and even caused occasional property damage. I urge everyone reading this to take extreme caution when you are conducting experiments with this gas. This can be extremely hazardous and it is nothing to play around with.
Any kind of testing with this gas that involves lighting it should only be conducted by qualified rocket scientists.”

The National Reporter urges all of our readers to take George Deweys advice if you are contemplating any type of experimenting with this gas.


The National Reporter – Once the astronaut takes the capsule and the gas is being produced, what happens next?
“The gas is then transferred through the plastic insertion tube to the compression tank on the side of the engine. While it is being filled, a small LED gauge on the astronauts visor tells him when it ready to fire. He can then rotate himself just like his space crafts retro rockets are able to rotate and position the craft. Once he is in the right position, he simply fires the rocket and it takes him home to his ship.
The National Reporter – That is incredible.
“Not really, it’s just science.” George said.
The National Reporter – How did you feel when you got the call from NASA informing you that they had tested your rocket and that it had performed perfectly?
“I was speechless.” He said. “It was completely unexpected. I presented them with the engine two years ago but they never contacted me.
Then out of the blue I got the phone call and they told me my engine was tested in orbit and that it worked very well. A few hours later they faxed a photograph over to me showing the astronaut using my engine. This has all been quite thrilling for me and my family.”

Astronaut Jim Barns is seen here testing George Deweys methane powered rescue rocket.


The National Reporter too bad we can’t get a photograph of the engine. I am sure our readers would really like to see what it looks like.
“No problem.” George said. “I just happen to have the prototype right here.”
He walked over to his dresser and pulled open the top drawer, he removed the prototype and pulled it up his legs until the rocket engine was positioned directly over his gas port.
“What do you think?” He asked. “Do you think your readers would want one?”
The National Reporter -Only if they are going into outer space,..Ha,ha!
“Ha,ha,..Yeah, probably.” He said.

George Dewey is seen here wearing the prototype of his methane powered rescue rocket.

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Exclusive National Reporter Exposé. Giant skeleton is a fraud!

Huge skeleton uncovered in Northern India is a fake.

The National Reporter
In 2007 a story circulated the internet claiming that a massive skeleton was unearthed in northern India.
Kedar, a writer for the The Eastern Horizon first exposed this shameful hoax when it began circulating the internet.
Being that The National Reporter is always looking for the truth and determined to expose false reporting, we were also sceptical of the story and decided after three years to get the whole story behind this hoax.
What we discovered came as no surprise to us and we are certain it will be no surprise to our readers.
The giant skeleton is a fake, it is made out of wood.
We uncovered the truth about the giant skeleton and the motive behind its creation within hours after we arrived in northern India.

It all began in early 2006 when the Brahma lumber mill burned to the ground.
The business was not insured, so the owner Artimus Punjab had to come up with some quick cash to rebuild his company.
He was told by a shady local character known as “Bunti, the slimey one” that the tabloids are always looking for ridiculously fake storys to sell to their readers who they consider stupid and retarded.
Artimus then arranged a meeting with “Ungus Frungus, a notorious liar from the nearby village and together they forged the story about finding a giant human skeleton.
All they had to do was manufacture the skeleton, plant it in the ground and then pretend that it had been discovered in an archeological excavation after which they would sell the story and photographs to the shady tabloids and make thousands of dollars.

Brahma lumber mill going up in flames in 2006

Artimus and Ungus went to work on the giant skeleton in what remained of the Brahma lumber mill.
After a full month of tireless carving and cutting, they had finished the skeleton and were ready to sneak it across the country side to a pre-determined location.
Once their giant wooden skeleton was in place, they contacted the shady tabloids and cut a lucrative deal with them to defraud the public with their bogus story.

Artimus Punjab and Ungus Frungus are seen here fashioning a leg bone for the giant skeleton in the ruins of the Brahma lumber mill.

The completed skeleton prior to being taken to the fake archeological dig.

Artimus Punjab is seen here (center; standing on lumber wearing the hat) with his gang of co-conspirators in the process of placing the fake wooden skeleton in the hole.

Artimus and Ungus met with the tabloid’s head fake story scout Slick Weasleman in a dark bar that is located in Bombay’s seedy underbelly, a bar where no decent person would dare to venture.
It was here that they were introduced to the evil side of news reporting that only the tabloids could manifest with their twisted and warped sense of reporting where lies are sold as the truth and reporting the news has been reduced to scamming the public with filthy lies just to make a quick buck.
Slick Weasleman liked the story that the two liars had conjured up.
“He,he,..this is just the kind of crap that the stupid retards who read our garbage tabloids love to eat up.” He cackled. His beady eyes darted about the sleazy bar as he chomped on his cheap cigar.
Everything about him was despicable.
His cheap suit, his cheap cigars. Even his cheap after shave smelled sneaky and underhanded.
There can be no doubt that Slick Weasleman was a scoundrel through and through and it was his foul demeanor that landed him his job at the tabloids.

Slick Weasleman, the sneaky con artist from the tabloids who helped Artimus and Ungus lie to the world.

Once the deal was made, Slick Weasleman transferred ten thousand dollars to Artimus for his story and the lie began circulating across the globe within days.
Millions of people believed the story as it made it’s rounds through the internet, that is until it came to the attention of intelligent people such as Kedar of the Eastern Horizon who first came to the realisation that the story was a hoax.
When the hoax was discovered and proven, Artimus and Ungus disappeared into the woods and haven’t been heard from since.
The Indian government has confiscated the dirty money they got from the tabloids and have threatened to sue them for aiding in the lie.
“Who,.. us?” A tabloid president said. “We ain’t got nothing to do with it, see. Go on, try and pin it on us. I dare ya, see. Yeah,.. go ahead, you got nothing on us.”
The tabloids had no further comment.

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