Abnormally large spider gives construction crew the creeps.

The National Reporter
Construction workers who are renovating an old house in Boston Mass. got a creepy surprize when they started cutting into the structures 100-year-old foundation last week.
The second they turned on the masonry cutter, an abnormally large funnel-web spider darted out of its silky hiding place and scared the living daylights out of them.
“We saw the big web with the funnel hole in it and we  laughed about how it looked like a giant spider web.” Foreman Jim Barnes told us. ” We didn’t really think it was a spider web, we thought that maybe it was some old cotton fiber that got tangled up in the doorway somehow.”

The spider is quickly alerted by sounds and vibrations

The National Reporter – Was it there when you started the renovation project?
“No,. that’s what’s so weird about it. We excavated all the ground out in front of the basement and cut a new doorway in the foundation. When we came back the next day, there it was.”
The National Reporter – Was the spider already living in the basement?
“I have no idea.  All I know is the damn thing won’t let us work.  The second anyone makes any kind of sound or vibration, that freaking spider pops out of its hole ready to bite anyone near it.”
The National Reporter – Have you called animal control?
“We sure did.” he said. “They sent out a young girl who had just started working for animal control the day before.  She had one of those noose things on a stick that they used to snare dogs with.  She walked into the backyard and asked us what kind of animal was giving us problems.  She was professional about it.”
The National Reporter – Did you tell her it was a giant spider?
“Nah,..I just banged the wall will a shovel to get it to pop out of its hole. You should have seen that poor girl run!”
The National Reporter – So animal control was no help?
“Nope.  She came back an hour later with her supervisor to see for himself. I guess he didn’t believe her when she told him it was a giant spider.”
The National Reporter – What did he say when he saw it?
“He jumped back nearly ten feet when it popped out of its hole the way it does.  After he examined it for a few minutes he told us to call someone who knew about spiders, maybe the local university.”
The National Reporter – Did they send anyone out?
“Not yet, I don’t think they believed us when we told them how big it was.  So for now we have to work around the damned thing and hope no one gets bitten by it.”
The National Reporter – Why don’t you just bash it with a shovel?
“Do you have any idea how messy and disgusting that would be?  Oh yuck,..just thinking about it is making me sick. Besides, none of my men want to get that close to it. The spiders fangs have to be huge.  One bite from them and it’s all over, don’t even worry about the venom.”

Marty the spider, as it has become known, is still guarding his web and keeping Jim Barnes and his crew at bay.
Anyone who is interested in seeing the creature should call Barnes construction company in Boston Mass. to get the address.
While the public is welcome to view the spider, Barnes construction company and the home owner requests that  the visiting public shows respect and courtesy to  the neighbors and are urged not to antagonise the spider.
“We don’t know how dangerous the thing is, so please don’t piss it off.”  Jim Barnes said.
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Michigan teen face’s 15 years in prison over misunderstanding

The National Reporter
Bryant Gissepy 16 of Reed city Michigan was arrested last week at Reed city high school after he had assaulted a teacher and gone into a rage of destruction all because he misunderstood a word.
For the third time in a week, Bryant had arrived late for school disrupting the class and annoying his teacher.

After being late for three days in a row she had enough and decided it was time for him to see the principal.
“I told him that because of his tardiness he would have to go to the principals office.” Bryant’s history teacher Ellen Parks explained. “As soon as I told him that his eyes widened and he glared at me angrily. The next thing I knew I saw stars and I felt myself  hitting the floor. I don’t remember anything after that.”

Bryant's teacher, Ellen Parks didn't know what hit her.

Witnesses say that Bryant become enraged as soon as his teacher said she was sending him to the office because of his tardiness.
“She was talking to him in the front of the class and all of a sudden he just hauled off and slugged her in the face.” Sally Porter, one of Bryant’s classmates told us. “We thought he killed her when her head hit the floor. She didn’t move at all.  That’s when Bryant went wild and started wrecking the room. He was tossing chairs around and smashing things.  Everyone ran, even the boys.”

Bryant went into an uncontrollable rage when he was told to report to the office for his tardiness.

When Bryant had smashed everything he could in the classroom, he stormed out the door and headed towards the office.
All the students ran to get out of his way as he stomped down the hallway punching lockers and kicking doors.
A minute later he barged into the office and started smashing everything  as the staff ran for cover.
“I didn’t know what was going on.” Mrs. Leesky,  the secretary told us.  “This kid just kicked the door in and started screaming insanely and trashed the office.”
“I thought he was on drugs.” Miss. Ryan said. “I ran out the other door and called the police from the pay phone in the hallway.  After I had called them I looked back inside and he was in the principals office throwing everything he could get his hands on around the room. He was over turning the furniture and breaking everything in sight.  He looked like he was completely out of his mind.”


Bryant's fit of rage finally ended in the principals office when the police arrived and subdued him.

The police arrived  a few  minutes later and confronted the insane teen in the principals office.
“That kid was out of his mind.”  Sgt. Dooley said. “His eyes were wide as saucers and he was frothing at the mouth.  We had to use the taser on him to bring him under control.”
The National Reporter  Do you know what set him off?
“From what we have found out after questioning him at headquarters  he misunderstood his teacher when she told him to go to the office for being late for class.”
The National reporter – How could he have misunderstood that?
“Well, when she said it was because of his tardiness, he thought she was making fun of him.  He thought she was calling him a retard and she was sending him to the office for his retardedness.”
The National Reporter was present at Bryant’s trial and according to his testimony his classmates had been poking fun of him all semester calling him a retard and a dummy.
He explained that when he thought his teacher was calling him a retard as well, he had enough and just flipped out.
He claims that he does not remember much of what he did and has apologised to her for punching her.
If convicted, Bryant face’s up to fifteen years in state prison.

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Astonishing discovery; Massive cave found in NYC’s central park

Aerial view over central park showing the location of the cave entrance

The National Reporter
A massive cave network estimated to be as extensive as Monmouth caves in Kentucky, has been discovered in New York city’s central park.
The cave entrance was discovered by accident a little less than a month ago when a dog chased a ball into a rarely traveled wooded area.
The National Reporter asked the NYC parks commissioner how such a huge cave located in the middle of the worlds largest and most populated city could have remained undiscovered for all these years.
“Well,.I guess the reason no one has ever stumbled on it is because there is nothing but city folk living here.” He said. “City folk don’t know the ways of the wilderness, so they are less likely to wander off the paved paths to go exploring in the bushes. They would get lost.”
The National Reporter – That would explain why all caves in the U.S. park system are located in the country. They were all discovered by country folk who know how to explore the bushes beyond the beaten path.
“That is correct.” He answered.

The entrance to the cave lies hidden in the bushes about fifty feet from the well-traveled path, covered with greenery it is barely visible even up close.

the well conceled entrance to the cave lies around fifty feet from the well-traveled pedestrian path

Once inside the well hidden entrance, the cave opens up into a palatial chamber.
Scientists have already begun digging for artifacts in the main chamber and have found nothing interesting so far.

Just inside of the mouth of the cave is an enormous chamber.

The cave continues on for a few hundred feet until it comes to a pit that is around five hundred feet deep.
The National Reporter donned the special gear provided by the NYC spelunkers society and went down below with the team to explore the subterranean chambers.
In one small alcove there was an old rusted out model T ford that had been sitting for ages.
No one knew how it got there or what happened to the owner.
it is speculated that he ended up in the cave by accident and perished when he became trapped.

The National Reporter's Ace Flashman seen here repelling down into the five hundred foot deep cave pit.

A model T ford that somehow ended up at the bottom of the deep pit in an alcove. There was no trace of the owner.

As we explored farther into the extensive network of tunnels and chambers, one of the team members noticed some drawings on the walls.
We all huddled in for a closer look and it was obvious that they were prehistoric cave paintings.
They were later estimated to be over 250 thousand years old.
The style and techniques used in the drawings are remarkably similar to cave paintings found in Europe.

Cave paintings estimated to be around 250 thousand years old

The fantastic central park cave is closed to the public for now, but is expected to open up this summer in mid July sometime.
There will be a brand new paved path leading to the entrance so that it will be easy to find and an elevator is being installed to take visitors down the deep pit where they can explore the subterranean chambers and view the prehistoric cave paintings.
There will be several brand new McDonald’s, Burger king and Kentucky fried chicken restaurants opening up on all levels of the cave as well as retail stores, movie theaters and a new branch of the Chase Manhattan bank.
For added security there will be new police sub stations on every level of the cave.
Plan on making a special trip to central park cave with the entire family!

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Eye implants enable researchers to see drug induced hallucinations on video monitors.

Eye ball implants will enable researchers to see the world through the eyes of drug users.

The National Reporter
Scientists at MIT’s nanotechnology labs have developed a new type of vision enhancing implant that can be mounted onto the eyeballs of volunteers.
Once in place, the implants pick up the brainwaves of the test subject while under the influence of mind altering drugs such as LSD and are able to transmit the actual hallucinogenic images they are seeing back to a monitor.
“This is a major breakthrough in the field of psychiatric medicine.” Doctor Fred Reeves told  The National Reporter.
“This device will allow us to see exactly what people under the influence of drugs see.  This will help us to understand how certain drugs effect the mind.”
The National Reporter  was on hand during the first field test of the new device to see how it worked.
The first subject was fitted with his broadcasting unit and then given a dose of LSD,  he was then equiped with an inconspicuous antenna that was mounted on top of the head like a hat.
When the LSD began to take effect,  the subject was led away from the test vehicle and set free to walk around the town as the excited scientists watched every thing he was seeing through the monitor.
After awhile the images started to become fuzzy with small flashes of colored light skittering around objects,  then things began to stretch out of shape as if time and space itself was being torn apart.
The scientists watched closely as the subject walked up to a police officer and stared at him for a few minutes.

The subject found the traffic officer very interesting for some reason.

When we looked at the monitor we could see what he found so interesting about the policeman.
In the drug abusers mind, the police officer had become a green clay like creature and the automobiles behind him had somehow morphed into a little troll bridge like one would see in a children’s fantasy film.

The police officer appeared to be a green creature made out of clay

An aide who was following the subject to make sure he didn’t get into any trouble, came forward and nudged him away from the police officer and guided him down the street a short distance.
When he began crossing over to sidewalk cafe that was bustling with people, he stopped dead in his tracks and stared wide-eyed at a pair of small people.
For the next few minutes the subject and the tiny couple were locked in a staring contest.
They of course had no idea that he was high on drugs, they thought he was being rude.

The tiny couple and the test subject were frozen in their tracks staring each other down.

Back at the lab’s video monitor we could see exactly what our subject was seeing in his drugged up stupor and it was truly amazing.
To him, the dwarf couple appeared to be some sort of alien creatures and they were making strange sounds, like birds peeping and chirping.
Everything in the background, people, cars and objects seemed to be moving in slow motion and an odd sound like a deep oscillating hum was echoing from the distance.

The dwarf couple appeared to be small alien type beings squirming and making peeping sounds.

After a few minutes, the dwarf couple gave the test subject a dirty look and walked off.
He started to follow them but he was intercepted by the aid and brought back to the lab.
The scientists figured he had too much LSD and that he might get himself into trouble.
The subject was sedated and placed on a cot with his arms and legs strapped down for safety reasons while the scientists sat at the monitors reviewing the recordings of his LSD adventure.
“This is going to be a major breakthrough in the study of drug induced psychosis.” Doctor Freely said. “Instead of guessing what is wrong with a patient and taking great risk to calm them down when they are in this condition, emergency room personal will be able to see what is going on in the minds of their patients and it will be much easier for them to treat them.”
The National Reporter – It’s also very amusing to see the bizarre things that they are seeing.
“Yes, it is.” Doctor Freely said.

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Flying penis seen over Pittsburgh

Huge penis photographed as it floated silently above buildings

The National Reporter
A fifty foot long balloon shaped like a penis was spotted floating over Pittsburgh today.
Eye witnesses who watched the strange object float into view at first were very excited because they thought they were seeing the arrival of alien visitors.
When it got a little closer they were appalled and shocked.
“I think it was some kind of a sick joke.” Mary Igor said. “It was a gigantic balloon shaped like a mans penis just hanging in the sky above the city for all to see including the children.,..that isn’t funny.”
By noon it had drifted over the football stadium that was filled with thousands of football fans.
“All of a sudden everyone looked up.” Joe Whunterman said. “At first I thought it was the Goodyear blimp, but when I saw what it was I was stunned. The whole stadium became silent, all you could hear was mumbling from the crowd. No one thought it was funny.”

The flying penis disrupted the big football game

The big game came to a halt for fifteen minutes as the disgusting penis shaped balloon loomed over head in the still afternoon air.
“It was deathly still that afternoon, not even a slight breeze.” Rodger Uriah said. “It was embarrassing as hell because I had my grand kids with me and they were asking me what it was.”
The National Reporter – What did you tell them?
“I told them it was an advertisement for one of those store-bought fire logs, but my nine-year old grandson knew what it was and he was blabbing it to the rest of the kids. The damned thing ruined our day.”

The flying penis disrupted the game, no one was amused at the obscene flying object.

“When we find out who made this thing they are going to be spending some time inside the county jail, I promise you that.” Pittsburgh Police chief  Thomas Riddle said.
The National Reporter – Do you have any suspects yet?
“We have a few in mind who we suspect would do something like this, sick bastards. you know the type.”
The National Reporter – Do you have any idea how this thing was constructed?
“Well, we weren’t able to shoot it down because of public safety, so all we can do is follow it hoping that it will fall to Earth or get trapped in a tree or something so we can gather forensic evidence. It looks like it was constructed out of bed sheets spray painted flesh color with purple veins and other details to make it appear more realistic.
The inside is packed from front to back with helium filled plastic garbage bags.”
The National Reporter – It sounds like someone went through a lot of trouble making this thing.
“Not really.” Chief Riddle said. “Even someone with limited skills could build one of these abominations in an afternoon.”

The flying penis was last seen heading east towards New Jersey and NYC.

By 3:00 pm the wind began to kick up and the flying penis was swept from the sky’s over Pittsburgh.
It was last seen gaining altitude and heading east towards central New Jersey and was expected to reach New York city within two days.
After that, the flying penis could possibly reach Europe within a week, although inside information received by The National Reporter indicates that the military might shoot it down as soon as it reaches the open sea.

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Mysterious boulders falling from the sky over small Oklahoma town.

The National Reporter
During the last two weeks of August,  residents of Enid Oklahoma had been coming under attack by mysterious boulders falling from the sky.
“We didn’t know where they were coming from.” Life long Enid resident James Claver told us. “We would know when the damned things were coming because we could hear them whistling through the air, and then a second later all hell would break loose.”
Residents theorized that the boulders may have been meteorites that were coming into the Earths atmosphere at a very low angle and skiffing along the nearby lake cooling the surface, which of course would explain why they were not red-hot as meteors usually are.
While the meteor skiffing on the lake theory was the most widely accepted theory, some of the towns folk believed that evil spirits were at work. 

“I ain’t falling for none of that scientific clap trap.”  86-year-old Greg Haspen said. “I’m telling you this is evil powers at work.”
Greg’s wife, Arlene had a different idea as to where the mysterious boulders were coming from.
“They’s rolling down the mountain because of avalanches.” She said.
“There ain’t no damned mountains around here!” Greg snapped.
Other residents had some unusul theorys, unfortunatly The National Reporter  did not have enough time to interview everyone.

Clockwise from top left. Kitchen wall damaged by ten pound boulder in first reported attack. 11,000 Lb. Boulder crashed through this man’s roof and sliced his sofa in half. 700 Lb. boulder smashed into the rear end of a car. Massive boulder crashed into the front of this residence sending the homeowner to the emergency room.


“It all started out looking like typical kid stuff.”  Sheriff Mack Futotrile said. “I answered the first call which I just assumed was vandalism.  A ten pound boulder had crashed through a woman’s kitchen window and ripped a big hole in her wall.”
The National Reporter -When did the more serious attacks begin?
“Two days after that first attack, a massive boulder fell from the sky and tore through an elderly gentleman’s roof and ended up embedded in his living room floor after it sliced his sofa in half.”
The National Reporter- Is it true that someone was severely injured when boulder crashed through the front of their house?
“Yes, Marvin Young, a retired electrician.” He said. “The boulder crashed right into the front of his house while he was watching television. He was hospitalised in very serious condition.”
The National Reporter – We also heard a report that flaming bundles of wood fell from the sky and caused a few fires.
“Yes,. one home burned to the ground as a result of the burning wood.”

Top left; House struck by three ton boulder is on the verge of collapsing.
Top right; Giant boulder came from out of nowhere and smashed into this concrete wall.
Bottom; House on fire after being struck with an enormous bundle of flaming wood.

On the night of September 7th, Sheriff Futotrile and his department got a break on the origins of the mysterious boulders.
They received an anonymous phone call instructing them to stake out Peach St. around noon the next day and to keep their eyes peeled for boulders flying up into the sky.
The next day Sheriff Futotrile and his deputy’s concealed themselves along Peach street and watched the sky.
At around 1:30 pm their lucky break finally came.
They spotted a huge boulder streaking skyward from the back yard of a nearby house and the deputy’s quickly converged on the property.
They immediately spotted two teenagers hastily trying to hide a homemade wooden contraption of some sort in their garage.
It was later confirmed to be a a catapult.

Arrested for destruction of private property, attempted murder, arson and reckless discharging of a lethal weapon, were two 17-year-old high school students, Ben Garner and Thomas Greenspan.
Both are being held without bond at the Oklahoma youth detention facility.

Top; Ben Garner and Thomas Greenspan.
Bottom: Homemade catapult that terrorized the town for weeks.


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What a find! Cache of Nazi gold unearthed in Georgia

Nazi gold

One of several crates of Nazi gold discovered buried in Frank Johanson's back yard.

The National Reporter
When Frank Johanson received the bad news about his septic system last summer he was already at his wit’s end.
The lifelong resident of Nahunta Georgia had lost his job five months earlier and just when he thought things couldn’t get any worse, his wife Linda left him for his best friend Jason.
To add insult to injury,  right before she left she made sure to drain every cent out of their joint savings account.
For the next few months after that she belittled him in front of every person in town saying that he was a dud in bed and behaved efeminatly behind closed doors and enjoyed wearing her bra’s and panties.
She promised that she would never go back to that ‘fag loser’ as long as she lived.
And now on top of all the things that have gone wrong for him in the past few months, he was being handed an estimate for $11,000 to repair his clogged septic system.
“I thought I was done for.” Frank Johanson told The National Reporter.
“When I saw the estimate for fixing my septic tank I nearly passed dead away.  I couldn’t believe how much they were charging me just to put in a new pipe.”

Frank’s outlook on life turned completely around on the morning of July 22nd while watching the back hoe operator dig a huge hole in his back yard.
“I didn’t have anything else to do, so I pulled up an old lawn chair and watched them rip up my back yard.”  He said.  “When the hole really started getting deep the bucket snagged on a piece of old wood on the side of the hole and pulled it out.  When the bucket moved aside I could see a dark hole had appeared.”
The National Reporter – What did you think when you saw that hole?
“I didn’t know what to think.”  He said.  “I told the back hoe operator to stop digging then I climbed down to get a better look.  When I got right up to it I could see that it was a box of some kind.  The first thing that went through my mind was that it was a coffin.”
The National Reporter – Didn’t that give you the creeps?
“Oh, you bet.”  He said.  “But what’s worse if it turned out to be a coffin then I would have had to dig it up and rebury it at the local cemetary at my own expense.”
The National Reporter – What happened next?
“Well, I put my face up real close to see what was inside the box.  I couldn’t see anything because it was so dark in there.  Then I pulled off another piece of the old rotten wood to make the opening bigger.
To tell you the truth, I fully expected a skull to roll out.”  He said.  “When I had opened the box up a little more and looked inside, I could see something glimmering in the dim light, something yellowish.   I reached inside and grabbed it,  it was very cold and heavy.  When I pulled it out into the bright sunlight to get a better look at it, I thought I was going to faint dead away.
It was a solid gold ingot with German writing all over it and it had a big Nazi swastika stamped on it.

As soon as I saw all the German writing and stuff  I knew my grandpa must have had something to do with it.  He was in the American army in Europe during WW2 and he built this house.”
The National Reporter – Why didn’t your grandfather ever say anything to anyone about all this gold he had hidden in his backyard?
“He died at a very young age.” Frank explained. “He was killed in an auto accident just a few years after the war, so I guess no one else knew about the Nazi booty he had buried in his backyard.  I guess he never said anything to my grandmother about it either.”


Frank Johanson dancing for joy after discovering several crates of Nazi gold buried in his backyard.

“My life has completely changed thanks to this wind fall.” Frank told us. “I have millions of dollars in gold and the best part is, my wife Linda has forgiven me and returned home!”
“I have always loved him.” Linda said, as she hugged Frank in their basement gold vault.
“I never said any of those terrible things about him.   Mean people made all that stuff up to keep us from getting back together.”

Back together

Estranged wife Linda has forgiven Frank and returned home

The National Reporter wishes Frank and Linda well and we hope they enjoy the massive wealth that Frank’s grandfather risked his life stealing from the Nazi’s.
The last time we saw the happy couple, their good friend Jason was giving them a ride to the bank so they could put all the gold into a joint savings account.

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