Man finds ancient rock in his back yard

Ancient rock is estimated to be worth several million dollars

Ancient rock is estimated to be worth several million dollars

The National Reporter
A Vermont man made an astounding discovery this weekend while digging a hole in his back yard.
He uncovered an ancient rock that may be thousands of years old.
“I couldn’t believe my ****ing eyes when I dug the ****ing thing up.” Ned Tully told The National Reporter
“When I ****ing found it I ran into the ****ing house an showed it to my ****ing wife, she nearly **** herself when she ****ing saw what I was ****ing holding in my ****ing hands!”
The National Reporter- This is indeed a remarkable find.
Ned Tully- You bet your ****ing *** it’s a remarkable ****ing find!
The ****ing scientist I showed it to at the ****ing state university examined it for a few ****ing days and when he was ****ing finished he told me that the ****ing rock was older than the ****ing pyramids!”

Mr.Tully held the rock up to my face and exclaimed excitedly, “This ****ing rock was a ****ing rock before the ****ing pyramids were the ****ing pyramids!”

After that he took us out to his backyard and showed us the hole he dug where the rock was discovered.
His friend Steve was down at the bottom of the hole looking up at us when we peered down.
That’s my ****ing friend Steve down there.” he said.
“Hey Steve, what the **** are you doing down in the ****ing hole?”
Steve looked up at us and squinted in the light.
“I’m taking a ****, what does it look like?”

Going to the bathroom

“I’m taking a **** Steve called back from the deep hole in Ned Tully’s backyard.

This is the ****ing guy from the ****ing National Reporter I ****ing told you about.
He’s here about  the ****ing rock I ****ing found down there.  Are you almost ****ing done ****ing?”
“Just about.” Steve answered.
“Steve was running the ****ing back hoe when we found the ****ing rock.” Ned told me.
“My son took a ****ing picture of us digging the ****ing hole.”
“This is ****ing Steve lowering me down into the ****ing hole with his ****ing backhoe.”

Whoopie!

Ned Tully is seen here being lowered down into the hole by his friend Steve the backhoe operator.

The National Reporter- Now Mr.Tully, you claim that this ancient rock you found is valued at one million dollars.
“Yeah,..That’s what I ****ing want for it and not a penny less”
The National Reporter- Oh I see, so the one million dollar price tag is what you are asking for it?”
“Yeah,..That’s right.”
The National Reporter- I was under the impression that the geologist who had examined the rock placed the value at one million dollars.
“Nah,..he just told how ****ing old it was, so I ****ing figured it has to be worth at least a ****ing million dollars, maybe even more.”
Just then his friend Steve popped his head up from the hole.
“That was a pretty big **** I took down there, you better wait a little while before you go down there. It stinks.”
The National Reporter- have you had any offers yet?
“Well, I put a ****ing ad in the ****ing  newspaper, but so far no one has ****ing  answered it.
I figure I should ****ing  make a ****ing  television commercial.
I know someone will ****ing  fork over a million for the ****ing  rock if they see it on ****ing  TV.”
The National Reporter- Well,..you never know. People blow their money on really stupid things these days.
“Yeah,..people are ****ing ***holes” Ned laughed.

If anyone is interested in owning this valuable piece of ancient history you can bid for it right here in our comment section.
Just write down your name and address with your credit card number and place your bid.
You better hurry because this item wont last!

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NASA Scientists confirm, Aliens can perform self rectal exams

NASA artist redition of a space alien performing a self rectal examination.

NASA computer image of a space alien performing a self rectal examination.

The National Reporter
For years people have been claiming that they had been taken aboard alien space craft and given rectal exams by space creatures.
These reports have always been dismissed as shear nonsense until NASA scientists discovered a species of aliens who apparently have a cultural anal fixation.
“It could be the reason why they have such long necks.” An un-named NASA scientist told us.
NASA scientist – “Their long swan like necks could have evolved as a result of their anal fixation from constantly trying to see their own anuses.
Over centuries of trying, their necks began to adapt and get longer to accommodate their obsession.” He said.
The National Reporter – So in your opinion, does this shed some credibility on all the people who have claimed that they had been taken aboard alien space ships and had their rectums examined?
NASA scientist – “I would not jump to conclusions, most people who make such claims are retards or loners just looking for attention. But we can’t rule them all out.”
The National Reporter – What if I told you that I had such an encounter, would you believe me?
NASA scientist – “Most certainly.” He said. “You are The National Reporters star journalist, so naturally you are telling the truth.
Everyone knows that The National Reporter is a two time recipient of the International Reporters Association’s coveted Seal Of Honesty in reporting award.”
The National Reporter – That is correct. We are compelled to tell the truth, unlike the notorious tabloids who make up stories just to make money.
NASA scientist – “That is true, the tabloids make up the most ridiculous stories I have ever read.” He said. “Some of them are so stupid and they never try to explain how they occurred, which naturally makes them suspect as to their authenticity. They sound like something a bored writer was just making up as he was typing. It makes me sick”
The National Reporter – I agree, total nonsense.
NASA scientist – “Absolutely.” he said.

The National Reporter – Now doctor, how did you come to the conclusion that these space creatures can perform such a difficult task like this?
NASA scientist – “We figured it out.” He explained.
The National Reporter – I see, that is very enlightening.
NASA scientist – “Yes,..most people would agree.”
The National Reporter – But then there are the doubting Thomas’s who would scoff at your findings.
NASA scientist – “Yes, there are always the non-believers despite the over whelming evidence of our research.”
The National Reporter – Well thank you doctor, this has been quite an interesting interview.
After the interview was over we got in our cars and drove away.

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Normal businessman becomes sleep walking transvestite hooker at night

Andre Lamont is seen here with his wife and children. (Their face's have been blurred at their own request.)

The National Reporter    

Andre Lamont, a Raliegh North Carolina businessman, discovered much to his dismay that he had a sleep walking problem.
“I had no idea that I had been sleep walking” He said. “On several occasion when I woke up in the morning there were piles of cash on my nightstand. I had no idea where it was coming from.”
Andres wife of fourteen years had no idea where the money was coming from either.
We would wake up in the morning and there would be cash all over the night stand and on the floor like someone just threw it there.” She told us.    

Andre finally hired a private detective to watch his house to find out who was sneaking around at all hours when he and his family were asleep.
The mystery was solved the next night when the private eye spotted a scantily clad woman leaving the house at 2 AM.
He followed her down around the corner were she hailed a cab, then he followed her to the red light district where she exited the cab and took up position on the corner waving at men driving by in cars.  

Sleep walking Andre Lamont in full drag hanging around his favorite corner.

 

The private eye, who wishes to remain anonymous, causually walked over and stood right next to her with his hands in his pockets, whistling and rocking forward and backward on the balls of his feet.
His eyes darted skyward as if he was lost in deep thought.
“You want some of this?” the woman asked.
“He immediatly stopped whistling and rocking and turned to her with a surprised look on his face.
“Are you talking to me?” he asked.
“Yeah,..you got five dollars? She asked.
The private eye looked at her face, it was plastered with so much make-up that she appeared comical.
“What do I get for five dollars?” he asked.
She smiled a great big toothy grin and winked at him, then she slowly spun around showing him the full package.
“Think you can handle this?”
The private eye wanted to find out who she was, so he handed her five dollars and followed her to a run down hotel.
They walked up four flights of stairs and stopped in front of a door that had three cock roaches squashed on it. 

she took a key out of her purse and opened the door, the room inside was pitch black.
As soon as they were inside the P.I. looked for a light switch in the pitch dark room.
Within seconds the woman came up from behind him in the dark and wrapped her arms around him and it startled him.
He could tell from the amount of body heat she was giving off that she was semi naked.
“Hang on a second.” He said angrely. “Where’s the light switch?”
She let go of him and he could hear her walking over to the other side of the room.
“Honey,..You don’t need any light.” she said.
“Where’s the switch?”
“Come on over here to the bed, I’m waiting for you.”
As he fumbled around in the dark he coud hear the sound of rusty bed springs squeeking and the faint sound of womens clothing hitting the bare wooden floor.
A minute later he found the light switch on the wall and flicked it on.
The dingey filthy room was instantly bathed in the bright white glare of a bare 100 watt ceiling lightbulb.
What a dump, the walls and the ceiling were filthy and they had the tell tale sign of hundreds of male visitors splattered all over them.
The bed was covered with an old purple velor sheet that was permeated with years of sweat and it stunk to high heaven.
The hundreds of gallons of sweat that had oozed into the sheet made it yellowish and waxy, the center of the bed was caved in and stained absolutly black from years of continuous service in the worlds oldest profession.
The whole surface of the bed was alive with lice and some type of larger brownish bugs that were crawling along the length of her legs and disapearing into her leg openings.
She seemed oblivious to the stench and the vermin as she lied across the bed posing for her male guest in a provocative manner.
“Are you coming to bed sweety?” She asked.
The private eye didn’t anwser her, he pulled out a small camera and asked her if he could take a picture of her first.
“Why of course you can.” she said.
He snapped off a quick shot and suddenly his eyes widened.
“Holy,..shit!” he gasped. 
He suddenly realised who this woman was. 
“Whats the matter sweet-ums?” the woman asked.
The P.I. didn’t say another word.
He turned and ran out the door with the woman shouting after him.
“Where you going?” she yelled.  

The next day the private eye went to Andre’s house and showed him the photographs.
The mystery of the cash on the nightstand was solved.
Andre’s wife was not very happy about finding out that her husband was a sleep walking gay hooker who went out at night turning tricks dressed in her clothes.
Not too many women would be.

The mysterious hooker was actually Andre Lamont walking in his sleep.

Andre is now in therapy and his sleep walking is under control.
He no longer leaves the house in the wee hours dressed as a woman.
A few weeks after Andre stopped going out at night as a woman, the private detective got a visit from several haggard old men who were concerned about their favorite hooker.
They hadn’t seen her in a few weeks and they were afraid that she might have fallen victim to foul play.
“She’s the best damned whore out there!” one of the toothless old men said.
“Yep,..she can play the flute fer hours on end without missing a note, if you know what I mean”
The private detective took the case and is planning on milking the old geezers for every cent they have.  

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 © The National Reporter, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.