Tall hat cult stirring up trouble in San Francisco

The National Reporter

San Francisco’s infamous tall hat cult is once again stirring up debate among city law makers and voters this week by demanding equal rights and full recognition as a legitimate religion.
These renewed protests were sparked off when a group of silver tall hats deliberately lined up in the front row of San Francisco’s largest movie theater and blocked the screen from the rest of the patrons.
Silver hats are the high priests of the tall hat cult and are known to be extremely militant when they want to be.

A line of protesting silver hats blocked the screen during a film nearly setting off a riot.

A half hour after the silver hats began their protest, the theater manager notified the police.
By the time the police arrived the front entrance of the theater was blocked by nearly one hundred tall hats shouting the sacred words of the tall hat cult.
The mob was comprised of lesser members who are refered to as card board tube heads.
“HA-goot-TAH-Pooh-gah!!” they chanted loudly, refusing to allow the police entrance into the theater.
Finally the police dispersed the cultists with a fire hose that knocked their card board hats to the ground and ruined them with the water.
The following day several tall hat cultists set up a picket line in front of town hall with at least two of the dangerous silver hats in attendance.
Police suspect that the silver hats were there to direct the card board tube heads in case they wanted them to become violent.

Two silver hats are seen here leading the card board tube heads at the picket line in front of town hall.


Police were worried that the protest could escalate into a full fledged riot if they tried to prevent the tall hats from picketing, so they blocked off the main street and let them march.
“There are hundreds of these wacko’s out there.” The police chief told us. “If we try to stop them from picketing all hell will break loose.”
The people have had enough of the tall hat cult and they have been banned from most business’s including the public bus system, which is what set off the first riots last summer.
The city bus line refused to allow tall hats to ride the bus unless they removed their hats after one of them caused an accident when his hat pinned the drivers face to the windshield while the tall hat cultist was taking his seat.
“This is ridiculous.” Transit chief William Brown said. “These tall hat cultists,. all they are is a bunch of nut jobs who want attention and to cause trouble. They should all be run out-of-town.”

The city bus line has banned the tall hats from their buses after one of them caused an accident with his hat.

For now the tall hat cult is keeping this latest round of civil unrest at an acceptable level, but the police are keeping a close watch on them and it has been rumored that several undercover officers have infiltrated the cult.
As always, The National Reporter will keep our readers up to date on this and other story’s as they develop.

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Maternity ward miracle, woman lays egg!

Edith Romwell and her bouncing baby egg are doing fine.

The National Reporter

Edith Romwell of Iowa surprised hospital officials at Des Moines general hospital maternity ward last week in what is being heralded as the very first incident of a human being laying an egg.
The bizarre miracle occurred last week after Edith arrived at Des Moines general hospital in extreme pain and an exceptionally swollen belly.
“When I saw how swollen she was I knew something strange was going on.” Nurse Betty Billingsly told us. “I have been a maternity nurse for over twenty years an I have never seen a woman that large. It was incredible.”
Because of its massive size, the egg had to be delivered via a cesarean section during a grueling seven hour procedure.
“When I opened her up I was completely puzzled by what I saw.” Doctor Farnsworth, chief surgeon said. “I mean,. it wasn’t what I was expecting to see. I opened her up and there was this weird solid white shell in front of me with pulsing veins and arteries. At first I thought it was a massive tumor, but then I realized that it was an egg like a bird would lay,. It blew my mind.”

The egg was covered with pulsing viens and arteries.

Biologists from all over the world have been arriving in Des Moines to study the strange egg.
“This much stranger than goat man baby.” Doctor Ilia Kragovich from the institute of Moscow told us.
“In my country man goat baby fall from sheep and die. We save remains in museum jar and have many people to see it all the time,. is true.”
For the time being, Edith Romwell and her husband have custody of the egg child pending an investigation by the federal department of strange birth investigations.
“ The thing that worries us the most is what is in side the egg.” Special agent Jackson Mooney told us.
“What if it isn’t human? What if it’s some sort of monster like a dinosaur or something? What then?

What then indeed.
As always, The National Reporter will keep our readers up to date on further developments in this strange case.

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Joke shop busted for selling prescription drugs as a novelty item

Prescription drugs should never be purchased in a joke store.

The National Reporter
Frankies Joke emporium, a popular joke and novelty store in Clearwater Florida, got a surprise visit yesterday morning from the DEA.
Acting on several complaints and reports of young people being treated in hospital emergency rooms for prescription drug abuse, special agents seized several boxes of prescription drugs from the business.
Frankie Wilson, the owner of Frankies joke emporium had been selling pills to young folk as a practical joke item.
The National Reporter spoke with Mr. Wilson in the county jail shortly after his arrest.
The National Reporter – So Mr.Wilson, can you tell us what you were arrested for?
“I was arrested for no good reason, that’s what I was arrested for.” He huffed.
The National Reporter – According to the arrest report, you were arrested for selling prescription drugs to kids. Is that true?
“well yeah, I suppose so. But I wasn’t selling it to them so they could get high or anything like that.”
The National Reporter – What were you selling it to them for then?
“You know,..for goofing around with their friends and stuff.”
The National Reporter – I’m not following you.
“I was watching a drug commercial one night and they had all the warnings about the side effects and I thought to myself that I could make a ton of money selling these pills as a prank item, you know, like itchy power.”
The National Reporter – A prank?
“Well yeah, you know, like if you take this one pill you will get diarrhea and stuff,..you know? Ha,ha,..some of those pills have so many funny side effects that they should sell them in joke stores anyway. They cause explosive diarreah, uncontrollable flatulance, vomiting and dizzyness. Funny stuff like that,.you know? ”
The National Reporter – I see.
“Yeah, and theres another one that makes you all paranoid and stuff and gives you nightmares and makes you think about commiting suicide. haw,haw,..it’s funny as all hell!”
The National Reporter – You have some what of a warped sense of humor Mr.Wilson.
“What,..um,..I do?”
The National Reporter – You were selling dangerous prescription drugs to kids as novelty items so that they could give them to unsuspecting people as a joke to watch them suffer from the side effects.
Didn’t you stop to think for one minute that someone could have died from these pills?
Mr. Wilsons eyes darted about his cell as he tugged on his index finger, his lower lip was quivering.
“I don’t know.” He said, quietly.
The National Reporter – What the hell was going through your mind when you were handing out these dangerous drugs to kids as if they were as harmless as rubber dog poo?
“I don’t know.”
Mr. Wilson is being held in the federal facilitys in Tampa until his trial date.
As of yet, no one has come forward to post his 1 million dollar bond.

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