North Korean floating penis crisis heating up

The National Reporter

More threats are emerging from behind the 38th parallel as North Korea’s tyrannical despot Kim Jong Un steps up  his threat to launch a floating penis over the U.S. in retaliation for the mysterious floating penis that was first seen over Pittsburgh Pennsylvania and first reported right here on the National Reporter.
This video was smuggled out of that communist dictatorship at great risk to The National Reporters spy network that is operating inside of North Korea and head quartered in that country’s capital a mere two blocks from the home of Kim Jong Un.

It is rumored that the U.S. is building up air defenses along the west coast and are prepared to engage any flying objects floating in from the direction of North Korea.
There are also several reports from unidentified sources that the U.S. may be building a floating penis balloon nearly a mile long in the Nevada desert.
If these reports are true, the U.S. and North Korea may be headed to a dire impasse in diplomatic relations.

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Gang that plants drugs on innocent people busted!

Members of the notorious wedgie gang are seen here being led into court to be indicted.

The National Reporter
How many times have you watched a television police show and seen someone getting stopped for having drugs in their car?
And how many times have they said something similar to this in their defense?
“But officer, when I was stopped for the traffic light down the street a bunch of guys came up to my car and asked me for directions. They must have tossed those bags of crack in my car,..and that gun too!”
“Sure they did,” the smiling cop says. “Now get on the ground,..STOP RESISTING, STOP RESISTING! TAZER TAZER!!”
ZaaaaAAAAPPP!!!! LOL!

Last week after a five year investigation into gang activity, the FBI arrested several members of a street gang known as the Wedgies.
They call themselves the Wedgies because of their bizarre gang requirement of wearing women’s thong panties tightly drawn up between the cheeks of their buttocks, commonly known as a wedgie.
“We had noticed that quite a few people who were being arrested for drug possession in their cars were claiming in their defense that gangsters had tossed drugs, guns and stolen property into their cars while they were stopped at traffic lights.”Special agent Trent Lockwell told The National Reporter.
“We then conducted an investigation that took almost five years to complete and what we discovered was quite shocking.
This gang of thugs who call themselves the Wedgies would lie in wait for an innocent motorist to stop at a traffic light.
As soon as they had a victim in their sights, they would approach him or her and ask for directions, which is kind of suspicious to begin with.
Being that they were on foot it would seem obvious that they were in their own neighborhood, so why would they be asking people for directions?”
The National Reporter Yes, that does seem a bit odd.
“When they had the persons attention one of the gang members would sneak around to the other side of the car and toss in drugs, guns or something they had stolen in a burglary like a DVD player or a camera. They would make sure that the stolen item had a serial number on it and that the victim had reported it stolen prior to them planting it.
This way the unsuspecting person whose car they tossed it in will be charged with possession of stolen property and perhaps even the burglary.”
The National Reporter Do yu have any idea why they did this?
“Sure, they were bored.”

Members of the Wedgie street gang being arrested during the FBI sweep.


These Wedgies aren’t acting so tough now with their women’s thong panties wedged up their rear ends.
They are on their way to jail for a very long time.

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New riot control weapon in police arsonal

Riot police show off their new riot control weapons

The National Reporter
Police departments around the globe are praising a new weapon that is guaranteed to fend off rowdy rioters without the use of deadly force.
The simple device is the latest invention in Smith&Wesson’s long line of law enforcement oriented products.
“What we did is very simple.”Smith&Wesson chief of development told us. “We took a piece of wood that we use to make standard sized batons and instead of cutting it down, we left it at twice its normal size. Then we skewered a sizable wad of dog feces on the end and viola,.. a new non leathal riot control weapon was born!”
The National Reporter – This is remarkable, and from what we have heard it is completely safe and causes no ill effects.
“That’s absolutly true, it is already in use by several police agencys and they have given it the thumbs up across the board.”

A rioter being sub-dood by police using the new non lethal weapon.

The new device couldn’t have come at a better time as more and more frequent food shortages and failing economys around the world are causing a backlash against those who are responsible.
“If the People are going to rise up against the government, the government has to keep them under control.” Attorney General Eric Holder said. “This new anti riot device not only works very well to silence rioters, its very design also speaks very well for the way the government treats the people who elected us.”

Take that you rioter! You are now a marked man!

So far the new device has led to the break up of several riots around the world and the people are being sub-dood and forced back into submission.
The government is very pleased with the new device and plans to incorporate it into everyday use such as hall monitoring in public schools and to make sure the thriving shopping mall industry is safe and secure from shop lifters.

Supply line stands ready for the riot to begin.

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Special needs students topple school bus

All of the students leaned to one side causing the bus to topple over.

The National Reporter
Several special needs students from Parkside developmental center in Mulberry, Indiana were injured last week when the bus they were riding in toppled over onto its side.
Local residents ran out of their homes when they heard the loud crash.
“I didn’t know what happened.” Rosey Huffmyer said. “I was watching television when all of a sudden I heard this loud noise out front. It sounded like a plane crash.”
Jim Bronson was mowing his lawn when the crash occurred.
I was mowing the grass when I saw one of those short yellow buses coming down the street. It was leaning to one side and the wheels on the right side were coming up off the pavement. I could see everyone inside the bus were all crowded together on the left side of the bus. It looked like they were deliberately trying to make the bus fall over.”

The National Reporter was able to interview some of the passengers while they were being treated for cuts and bruises.
The National Reporter – can you tell us how your bus fell over?
“We was playing tip over.” 23-year-old Claude Harrington told us. “We was all leaning against the one side of the bus to make the wheels go up in the air, but then it went too far and we fell the **** over.”
“Yeah.” Jenson George added. “It fell over cause we was leaning to hard.”
The National Reporter – Whose idea was it to tip the bus over?
“It was my idea.” Eddie Baker said. “I wanted to do something fun, so I told everyone to get on one side of the bus and push real hard.”
The National Reporter– Did you know that the bus would tip over?
“Yeah, that’s why we did it.” He said.
“It was real fun!” Jenson said.

None of the rowdy special needs students have been charged with criminal mischief despite the damage they caused with their Tom foolery and they were all back at school the next day.
After the incident, school officials at Parkside developmental center announced that in the interest of public safety, all passengers on their buses are to be held in place with seat belts and required to wear safety helmets and the students will be accompanied by special uniformed safety monitors equiped with tasers.

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Man dies of heart attack while mooning neighbors

William Martin's rear end was sticking out of his window for three days before neighbors called police.

The National Reporter

56 year old William Martin of Chicago didn’t get along with his neighbors.
Police records show that they had been called to his house several times to handle neighborhood disputes because of his antagonistic behavior.
Last week Mr. Martin was having a fight with the people who lived across the street from him and after they had gone into their home to ignore him, he decided to moon them from his bedroom window.
A few of his neighbors witnessed him opening his window and thrusting his naked buttocks out in an obscene manner while yelling obscenities at the top of his lungs.
This went on for about an hour, then he stopped shouting and just sat on the window sill with his naked rear end hanging out in the breeze.
“We thought he had really gone off the deep end this time.” Neighbor Jack Warner told us. “Everyone on the block came out to look at him with his ass out the window then it got dark out and we all went home. The next morning when I got up to go to work he was still there.”
The National Reporter – Didn’t you think it was odd that he would stay there like that all night long?
“Nah,.not really. He was a nut job and this is just the sort of thing that we would expect him to do.”
The National Reporter – When did you realise that there was something wrong?
“Well, two days later one of the kids down the street thought it would be funny to shoot him in the ass with his BB gun.” he said. “He shot him right square in the ass and he didn’t even flinch. He shot him a few more times and he just sat there with his ass hanging out the window completely oblivious to the stinging pain.”
The National Reporter – What happened then?
“A crowd began to form, people were laughing as the kid repeatedly shot him in the ass with his BB gun. A few minutes later a few of the kids friends came racing up on their bicycles with their BB guns and then there was five of them pelting his buttocks. Everyone thought it was hilarious, but no one was wondering why he just sat there taking it like that.”
The National Reporter – How long did that go on?
“For about an hour, then we told the kids to knock it off, he had enough punishment. After that, the crowd dispersed and everyone went home.”
The National Reporter – Amazing, and not one person thought that there might be something wrong with him?
“Nope, like I said, This was just the sort of thing that he would do. He was a nut.”
The National Reporter – What happened after that?
“Well the next day when I left the house to go to work and I saw that he was still there I suspected that there might be something wrong with him, so I called the cops.
I mean three days with your ass hanging out the window even after being shot a few hundred times with BB guns was a bit abnormal, even for Bill Martin.
Later that night when I got home from work I saw that the cops had put yellow crime scene tape all around the house and Bill was still in the window with his ass hanging out. I thought that was kind of weird.
The was a cop standing in front of the house so I asked him what was going on.
That was when I found out that Bill had been dead for three days. The reason why they didn’t remove him from the window is because of his rigor mortis. He was so stiff that they had to call in a specialist with a power saw to cut his legs off just to remove him from the window.”
William Martin was removed from the window later that evening.
Funeral service will be held at Thompsons funeral home.

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Giant woman arrested after restaurant melee

Amanda Berkly is seen here on security footage entering the restroom area

The National Reporter
Amanda Berkly who suffers from a rare condition known as giganticus was arrested last week after she had caused a disturbance at Jack and Earls restaurant in East Philly P.A.
Miss Berkly, who stands 8′ 6″ entered the restaurant at around 8:00pm and made her way to the  restroom.
“Usually the restrooms are for paying customers, but we don’t stop anyone from using them if it is an emergency.”  manager Todd Brown told us.
Miss Berkly huffed and puffed as she hobbled to the restroom on her crutches, she can barely walk because of the gross disfiguration in her legs and it takes her quite awhile to get from one place to another.
She had drawn considerable attention from the patrons as one would expect and most of them were watching the giant woman as she hobbled along.
Once she was inside the restroom, things went back to normal with the sounds of silverware clattering, glasses clinking and people talking.
Ten minutes later the restroom door swung open and Miss Berkly exited in a hurry.
Her face was red and she trained her eyes on the floor in front of her as she struggled along on her crutches seemingly faster than when she went in.
“I thought that was kind of odd.” Todd Brown said. “Typically a person is in a hurry to get to the restroom, not the other way around.”
When she was about halfway to the exit, a woman was heard screaming from the lady’s room and everyone in the restaurant became silent.
“Oh my God!!! What the hell is that in the toilet!!”
Miss Berkly was the only person in the room who didn’t turn around when the woman screamed and she seemed to hasten her way towards the door.
Todd Brown and a few waiters ran to the restroom and what they saw inside shocked them.
It was a solid human fece’s that looked like it was around three feet long and weighing around 30 to 40 pounds hanging halfway out of the toilet.
It was a fece’s specimen that only a giant could produce.

The fece's specimen was around 3 feet long and hanging put of the toilet.

“Stop that woman!” the manager yelled. Immediately several employees blocked the exit, trapping Miss Berkly in the restaurant.
She tried to turn direction and head for the door on the far side of the room, but the employees were too fast for her.
“I approached Miss Berkly and tried to be as discreet as possible so as to not humiliate her any further.”  Todd Brown told us. “I was trying to be as nice about it as I could and I told her that she had to take care of the little problem she left in the lady’s room.  I informed her that we will give her a stick to break up the huge,..thing,..you know what I mean?   That’s when the trouble started and she flipped out on us.   She started swinging her crutches around knocking over chairs and tables breaking glasses and everything.  The customers were screaming and running out of the building.
We tried to restrain her but because of her size she was throwing off my people like they were little kids. I never saw anything like it.

The aftermath of Miss Berklys rampage.

Within minutes after her rampage began the police arrived and she was subdued with the employment of several taser guns.
“After she was handcuffed and raised to her feet, I went into the lady’s room to investigate the cause of the whole ruckus.”  Sgt. Jeremy Runyon said. “I never saw a turd that big and I have been to the Philly zoo hundreds of times.  That thing just didn’t look like it came from a human.”
Miss berkly was shouting obscenities at the news reporters as she was led out to the police car.
“Yeah? Bite me, yah friggin’ pip squeaks!” She snarled. “I’ll dump a whopper on yer heads like I did in there.”
Miss Berkly is being held in the city jail on 50 thousand dollar bond.
So far no one has bailed her out.

Miss Berkly is seen here taunting news reporters with threats and insults.

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Sadistic zoo angers animal rights groups

Bob's Teasing zoo has become a topic of outrage and concern among animal rights activists

The National Reporter
Animal rights groups in Portland Oregon are steaming mad over a new zoo that recently opened in the downtown district.
It is a zoo where visitors can tease, harass and even cause pain to innocent animals.
“What the hell kind of place is this where young children are handed slingshots and told to shoot animals?” Peta activist Clarg Romwell said in disgust.
The National Reporter – Are you saying the zoo officials allow people to shoot their animals with slingshots?
“Allow them?” He grunted. “They give them the slingshots and then the kids tip toe out behind a park ‘hunting guide’ to shoot unsuspecting animals.  When the animal runs off in pain, the park’s ‘hunting guide” has a big laugh with the kids. It’s sickening.”

A park guide and his youthful gang of hunters sneaking up behind this unsuspecting baby elephant with slingshots.

The National Reporter  walked around the park to investigate the cruel and bizarre goings on at this zoo.
What we found was quite disturbing.
In front of the monkey cages was the usual vending machines where you put in a dime and a handful of peanuts drop out for visitors to toss to the monkeys.
But at this zoo, the peanuts have a long string attached to them so the visitors can pull the treats away from the monkeys before they reach them.
Some of the more sadistic visitors wait until the monkeys have eaten them so they can pull them out of their mouths and then watch them chase them around the cage.
The National Reporter  was on hand to witness some of the  sadistic bastards laughing their fool heads off at this mean game.

In the aquarium section there is a big glass tank with several large fish swimming around inside of it.
I watched as a group of children banged on the glass while laughing at a poor fish swimming in circles apparently trying to get away from the painful vibrations their pounding was causing in the water.
I was going to tell them to stop when I saw the sign painted on the glass encouraging visitors to bang on the glass.

The poor fish had nowhere to escape the painful vibrations the children where causing by banging their fists against the aquarium glass.

I walked over to the alligator pit and watched in horror as young children played “wake up Wally” under the supervision of a zoo official.
What they did was tie an M-80 firecracker to a long stick, lite it and then dangle it over the head of a sleeping alligator.
When the large deafening fire cracker exploded, the poor alligator leaped into the air and scrambled into the water with all the other startled alligators.
I have no doubt in my mind that the poor thing was totally deaf from all the times it had been subjected to this cruel trick and was reacting to the percussion of the big firework.

This poor aligator is about to get a wake up call from the sadistic bastards who run this zoo.

I couldn’t stay there and listen to the laughter coming from the zoo officials and the children  any longer.
I walked over to the big cat area figuring no one would dare mess with them because cats don’t take to kindly to humans doing mean things to them.
Naturally I was wrong.
In front of the Tiger compound there was a booth full of water pistols with a big sign that read, ‘Shoot the Tiger in the ass with turpentine.’
For a small fee of five dollars, guests were handed a squirt gun and told to shoot the unsuspecting Tiger in the anus with the harsh burning solvent.
I could just imagine how excruciatingly painful it must have been for the poor Tiger.
As I stood there in total disbelief by what I was seeing, a young girl around 21 years old walked up and handed the booth attendant five dollars and picked up a green squirt gun.
She and her snickering date then walked over to the fence to wait for a Tiger to walk by.
A second later, a Tiger (who seemed to have been forced from his hiding place) walked out onto the path in front of the young lady.
She raised her squirt gun and waited patiently for him to walk past her so she could get a good clean shot at his tender hind quarters.
As soon as the target was in full view, she squeezed the trigger and unleashed a long stream of turpentine that struck the poor Tiger directly in his anus.

Wait for it,..wait for it,..This cruel game was one of the more sadistic attractions at the teasing zoo.

The Poor Tiger screeched at the top of his lungs and leaped six feet into the air, then dragging his burning rear end on the ground made his way back to its hiding place behind the shrubbery.
The young lady and her date were in hysterics.
The National Reporter – Do you think its fun to cause a poor defenseless animal pain like that?
“Are you talking to us?” Her date asked.
The National Reporter  -Yes I am.
“What are you,..one of those animal right’s whack jobs?”
The young girl giggled at her dates remark.
The National Reporter – No,.I’m a reporter for The National Reporter.
“Wow,..The National Reporter?” he said. “The same National Reporter that prides itself on the fact that each and every news story they cover has the world famous and highly respected seal of honesty from the International Reporters Association?”

The National Reporter – Yes, it is extremely cruel to animals and you two should leave and never come back here.
“If The National Reporter says this is wrong then it must be. We’ll leave right now and never come back here to this awful place!” they said.
I watched as they quickly made their way to the parking lot and left without looking back.
I only hoped that I could reach other visitors and show them how sick and depraved this zoo was.
I made my way over to the hippo pond and watched as a very large and seemingly happy hippo splashed around in the hot afternoon sun enjoying the cool water.
“How could anyone want to do anything cruel to this animal?” I thought to myself.
Then I saw it.
A booth about fifty feet away with a line of excited kids standing in front of it.
“Oh dear lord, what kind of cruel act are these kids paying to perform on this gentile beast?” I said out loud.
An old gray haired woman with no teeth looked up at me as she hobbled past me on her old aluminum cane that was wrapped in gray duct tape around the bottom.
No doubt the length adjuster was broken and this was the only way she could fix it without breaking out her coin purse and freeing all the tiny cartoon moths within.
She muttered something under her breath, I wasn’t sure what it was but it sounded like, “Move,..your standing in the way!”
undeterred by the miserable old cow, I made my way over to the booth to see what kid of deranged act of cruelty could be had for a few measly dollars.
What I saw was shocking.
For ten dollars a guest could push a button and zap the hippo with 100 thousand volts of electricity.
It was guaranteed to knock the poor animal out cold for at least a full minute and you could laugh your fool head off watching him spasm uncontrollably in the water.

Go on Timmy, push the button for some laughs!

I watch a young lad around ten years old hand the attendant ten dollars and he opened  the gate for him.
The kid walked up to a the zapper button and stood in front of  it for a few seconds.
He seemed kind of apprehensive about pushing the button.
Perhaps he was feeling a little sorry for the hippo, after all the hippo didn’t do anything to him.
Why would he want to zap the hippo with 100 thousand volts of electricity?
I walked over to the little boy and smiled.
“That’s it son, do the right thing.” I said.
He looked up at me, smiled and nodded his head.
Then he and slammed his little palm against the button sending 100 thousand volts of electricity into the pond.
The hippo jerked wildly as it slowly rolled over in the water with its legs spasming and flailing the air.
The entire surface of the water rippled violently from the high voltage coursing through it.
A second later the little boy was mobbed by his little friends who patted him on the back with shouts of “Good F—ing job!” and “Dude,..you zapped that Mother F—ing bastard good!”
Then his father came over and with a big proud grin and said,”What do you say champ,.want to go celebrate with some F—ing ice cream?”
This reporter just stood there in disbelief for what I had witnessed at this zoo.
The National Reporter supports the closing of this sadistic zoo and encourages our readers to petition for the arrest of the owners.

Click here and sign the pettition to close down this sick twisted hell hole!
Close down Bob’s teasing zoo!

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