Parasite turns honor roll student into class idiot

Billy Compton began exhibiting bizzare behavior after he returned from spring break in Florida

The National Reporter
Billy Compton, an honor roll student who attends school at Beverly high school in Beverly Massachusetts, went to Florida for spring break last year like thousands of other students from around the country.
One his third night in Florida, he enjoyed a meal of fried craw daddys at a local eatery with a group of his friends.
The next night he began to feel a strange sensation in the front of his head.
“It felt like something was moving around in my head.” He said.
By the time he returned home his behavior had changed radically.
The former honor roll student was starting to have sudden uncontrolable impulses to behave erratically.
The National Reporter interviewed some of his school mates to find out more.
“He got out of his seat in history class and started waddling around the room flapping his arms and saying, “I am a cheese cake, look at me go!” Sally Moore said.
Sophmore Ricky Flanigan said, “This guy came into the gym while we were playing basketball and told us to stop sending ghosts to his house. Then he started crying, it really weirded us out.”
School officials finally advised his parents to send him to the hospital to find out what was wrong with him after he sneaked into the principals office and used his telephone to call the police to report a disturbance at the school.
He told them that a tractor trailor was parked illegally in his seat and the driver wouldn’t stop blasting the air horn.
When the doctors examined him they were agast at what they found.
A catscan revealed a large foriegn object in his brain and it was alive.
They performed immediate emergency surgery to remove the object.
“When we opened up the front of his skull I almost jumped out of my skin.” Doctor Barnhiem told us.
“There was this,..thing,..staring out at us from the incision and it was trying to bury itself deeper into his brain to get away from us. It was absolutley hidious, like something you would see in a horror film.”

This,..thing, was staring out at us from his incision. It was like something out of a horror movie.

The surgical team removed the parasite as carefully as they could so they would not cause any further injury to Billy.
“It put up quite a struggle, it was pretty strong and it was hanging onto him like a tick, but we eventually managed to pry the bastard loose and get it out of his head.” Head trauma specialist Francine Worthrite told us.

Surgical team member, Francine Worthrite holding up the enormous parasite seconds after it was removed from Billy Comptons brain.

The parasite was squirming and struggling to free itself as it was placed into a specimen container which was sent to the department of agriculture for species identification.
“We don’t know what that thing was, I never saw anything like in all my years as a doctor. Maybe the scientists in DC can figure out what it is.” Doctor Barnhiem said.
The National Reporter Went to Florida to investigate the food that was being served at the diner where Billy Compton and his friends ate that night, but the building was vacant and up for rent.
The landlord didn’t know where the former tenants went.
“They removed all their equipment and cleared out without saying anything to me.” He told us.
The National Reporter is happy to inform our readers that Billy Compton is doing well and is expected to make a complete recovery.
He will be returning to school in a month and the students at Beverly High school are eager to welcome him back.

© The National Reporter, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Breaking news; Will the real Osama Bin Laden please stand up?

Pint sized terrorist Osama Bin Laden sitting with one of his advisors

The National Reporter
Photographs captured by the U.S. army yesterday that were hidden deep inside a cave once used by Al Queda operatives has revealed a startling revelation which has been unknown up to now.
Osama Bin Laden is dwarf.
The National Reporter  met with the commanding officer of fire base zero charlie, which is located in the hills a few miles from where the photographs were found.
We spoke to General Winston Adams of the tenth division about the shocking discovery.
“It was really quite a shock when we examined the pictures and saw who it was.” He said. “Ever since the hunt for Bin Laden began it was assumed from his photographs that he was over six feet tall.”
The National Reporter  “What do you estimate his height to be?”
“Well,.. judging from the rifle next to him on the sofa, I would say he is about two and a half feet tall.” He told us.
The National Reporter  “Correct me if I am wrong General Adams, but didn’t a soldier report seeing a dwarf fleeing from a cave he was checking last year?”
“Yes, we have reopened his report and found that a photograph was taken at the time which shows a dwarf resembling Osama Bin Laden scampering out of the cave right in front of him. Unfortunatly he disapeared into a small hole before the soldier could grab him. He dropped a grenade in after him, but he got away. After we saw this eye opening photograph, We are now positive that it was Bin Laden.”

Photograph taken of Osama Bin Laden last year as he dashed from a cave he was hidding in.

After our meeting with general Adams, The National Reporter  went to Cairo to see if we could dig up some more evidence of the diminutive terrorist.
It didn’t take long.
Here is private family photograph of Osama Bin Laden that was lifted by  The National Reporter  from his parents home while they were out for the evening.
It is apparent that dwarfism runs in the Bin laden family as evidenced by the photograph.

Osama Bin Laden with his uncle, Hussien Bin Laden in the familys dog stable. Osama is seen here petting his favorite riding dog, Habbib.

According to the inscription written on the back of the photograph, Habbib was Osama’s favorite riding dog.
That is, he rode the dog like it was a horse on his familys private race track.
Now it can be understood why the search for Osama Bin Laden has been so difficult.
The army has been looking for a man who is reported to be over six feet tall while in reality, Osama Bin Laden is just slightly over two feet tall and able to crawl into tunnels that an average sized person could barely stick their arm in. 
 The National Reporter will keep our readers udated on this startling new twist in the Osama Bin Laden saga as it unfolds.

Click here for more breaking news from The National Reporter
© The National Reporter, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Police in Tennessee unhappy with new uniforms

Spencer Tennessee police officer Greg Porter; I feel like a damned fool in this thing.

The National Reporter
Elementary school students in Spencer Tennessee were invited to participate in a city wide contest sponsored by the local chamber of commerce to promote solidarity between the police and the populace.
The children, kindergarten to grade six, were given the task of designing new uniforms for the Spencer police department.
The chamber of commerce and the police chief promised that the police would be wearing the winning design.
Almost every child in the Tennessee town went to work designing their new police uniforms.
As the designs flooded into the chamber of commerce, the officials had a good time chuckling at the childrens uniforms, they thought they were very cute.
Most of them looked like pirate and cowboy outfits and some of them from the little girls had fairy wings and magic wands.
When the big day arrived and the best uniform would be decided with votes, the police and the chamber of commerce realised that they had made one big error in the rules.
They mistakingly stipulated in the rules that only the children could vote in the contest and no matter what the outcome, the town would have to spend their entire uniform budget to have them made and the police would have to wear them.

When the big day arrived, all the children cast their votes for their favorite design.
By 3:00 pm the winner was decided.
The creation of third grade student, Hector Bean won the most votes for his He-man, masters of the universe ensamble complete with the magic sword.
Three weeks later the new uniforms arrived and the Spencer police were ordered to turn in their old uniforms in exchange for the new ones.
If they refused, they would lose their jobs.
Two of the officers resigned on the spot rather than having to bear the humilation of wearing them.
The rest of them reluctantly put the new uniforms on and went out on their regular patrols.
“It was the most embarrassing day in my entire life. “Sgt. Timothy Brown said. “People were laughing and pointing at me all day. One of them asked me why I wasn’t riding Cringer, my fearless friend, who becomes Battle cat. They also asked me where Orko was, who ever the hell that is.”

The spencer police have filed a grievance with the Tennessee state PBA and are expecting to hear from them as soon as possible so that the problem can be resolved in a way that won’t hurt the kids feelings.
The National Reporter went to the Spencer police department and talked with Lt. Jason Berkly, who is the coordinator for public relations.
“I know we promised the kids that we would wear the uniform they decided on, but this is ridiculous. These things make us look retarded and the whole town is laughing at us. Well, not the whole town.
Every kid under 11 years old think we look really cool.” He said, holding up his plastic power sword.
He plopped it on his desk when the phone rang.
“Yeah,..what is it this time?” he asked. The call was from the front desk.
“Lieutenant, we are getting so many calls from people calling for help to save them from Skeletor that none of the real emergency calls are getting through.” The desk sergent said. “What the hell are we going to do?”
Lt. Berkly dragged his hand down his face, picked up his power sword and threw it across the room.
I decided that it would be best if I ended my interview at that time.
The Spencer police are still wearing their He-man, ‘masters of the universe’ uniforms while they wait to hear from the Tennessee state PBA.
Apparently they have become deadlocked in the Tennessee state supreme court against the ACLU who are arguing that the childrens civil rights will be violated if they stop wearing the he-man outfits.

© The National Reporter, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.