Gang that plants drugs on innocent people busted!

Members of the notorious wedgie gang are seen here being led into court to be indicted.

The National Reporter
How many times have you watched a television police show and seen someone getting stopped for having drugs in their car?
And how many times have they said something similar to this in their defense?
“But officer, when I was stopped for the traffic light down the street a bunch of guys came up to my car and asked me for directions. They must have tossed those bags of crack in my car,..and that gun too!”
“Sure they did,” the smiling cop says. “Now get on the ground,..STOP RESISTING, STOP RESISTING! TAZER TAZER!!”

Last week after a five year investigation into gang activity, the FBI arrested several members of a street gang known as the Wedgies.
They call themselves the Wedgies because of their bizarre gang requirement of wearing women’s thong panties tightly drawn up between the cheeks of their buttocks, commonly known as a wedgie.
“We had noticed that quite a few people who were being arrested for drug possession in their cars were claiming in their defense that gangsters had tossed drugs, guns and stolen property into their cars while they were stopped at traffic lights.”Special agent Trent Lockwell told The National Reporter.
“We then conducted an investigation that took almost five years to complete and what we discovered was quite shocking.
This gang of thugs who call themselves the Wedgies would lie in wait for an innocent motorist to stop at a traffic light.
As soon as they had a victim in their sights, they would approach him or her and ask for directions, which is kind of suspicious to begin with.
Being that they were on foot it would seem obvious that they were in their own neighborhood, so why would they be asking people for directions?”
The National Reporter Yes, that does seem a bit odd.
“When they had the persons attention one of the gang members would sneak around to the other side of the car and toss in drugs, guns or something they had stolen in a burglary like a DVD player or a camera. They would make sure that the stolen item had a serial number on it and that the victim had reported it stolen prior to them planting it.
This way the unsuspecting person whose car they tossed it in will be charged with possession of stolen property and perhaps even the burglary.”
The National Reporter Do yu have any idea why they did this?
“Sure, they were bored.”

Members of the Wedgie street gang being arrested during the FBI sweep.

These Wedgies aren’t acting so tough now with their women’s thong panties wedged up their rear ends.
They are on their way to jail for a very long time.

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Joke shop busted for selling prescription drugs as a novelty item

Prescription drugs should never be purchased in a joke store.

The National Reporter
Frankies Joke emporium, a popular joke and novelty store in Clearwater Florida, got a surprise visit yesterday morning from the DEA.
Acting on several complaints and reports of young people being treated in hospital emergency rooms for prescription drug abuse, special agents seized several boxes of prescription drugs from the business.
Frankie Wilson, the owner of Frankies joke emporium had been selling pills to young folk as a practical joke item.
The National Reporter spoke with Mr. Wilson in the county jail shortly after his arrest.
The National Reporter – So Mr.Wilson, can you tell us what you were arrested for?
“I was arrested for no good reason, that’s what I was arrested for.” He huffed.
The National Reporter – According to the arrest report, you were arrested for selling prescription drugs to kids. Is that true?
“well yeah, I suppose so. But I wasn’t selling it to them so they could get high or anything like that.”
The National Reporter – What were you selling it to them for then?
“You know,..for goofing around with their friends and stuff.”
The National Reporter – I’m not following you.
“I was watching a drug commercial one night and they had all the warnings about the side effects and I thought to myself that I could make a ton of money selling these pills as a prank item, you know, like itchy power.”
The National Reporter – A prank?
“Well yeah, you know, like if you take this one pill you will get diarrhea and stuff, know? Ha,ha,..some of those pills have so many funny side effects that they should sell them in joke stores anyway. They cause explosive diarreah, uncontrollable flatulance, vomiting and dizzyness. Funny stuff like that,.you know? ”
The National Reporter – I see.
“Yeah, and theres another one that makes you all paranoid and stuff and gives you nightmares and makes you think about commiting suicide. haw,haw,’s funny as all hell!”
The National Reporter – You have some what of a warped sense of humor Mr.Wilson.
“What,,..I do?”
The National Reporter – You were selling dangerous prescription drugs to kids as novelty items so that they could give them to unsuspecting people as a joke to watch them suffer from the side effects.
Didn’t you stop to think for one minute that someone could have died from these pills?
Mr. Wilsons eyes darted about his cell as he tugged on his index finger, his lower lip was quivering.
“I don’t know.” He said, quietly.
The National Reporter – What the hell was going through your mind when you were handing out these dangerous drugs to kids as if they were as harmless as rubber dog poo?
“I don’t know.”
Mr. Wilson is being held in the federal facilitys in Tampa until his trial date.
As of yet, no one has come forward to post his 1 million dollar bond.

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Remarkable new strain of marijuana increases intelligence

John Farly is seen here holding his miraculous marijuana

The National Reporter
A Newton Massachusetts man has developed a new type of marijuana that he claims has the power to enhance the intelligence of anyone who smokes it.
John Farly announced his amazing new discovery last summer at the state science fair in Boston.
So far all of his test subjects claim that they have experienced an increase in intelligence after smoking the marijuana.
State drug control officers are keeping a close watch on Mr. Farly in case they decide to arrest him for violating Mass. drug laws.
“I don’t understand why they would want to arrest me.”Mr.Farly told us. “This is a good thing, not a bad thing.”

One of his test subjects, Carlos Beninto, invented and constructed a pair of makeshift wings while he was under going an intelligence boost with the help of John Farlys marijuana.
“I can’t believe how much this marijuana increased my intelligence.” He said “I invented, designed and built the wings within a half hour after smoking Johns amazing new marijuana.”

Carlos Beninto seen here wearing his fantastic flying wings.

John Farly has tried to obtain a U.S. patent for his new strain of marijuana several times, but his request has been turned down on the grounds that it violates U.S. drug laws.
The National Reporter went with Mr. Farly to district court last week to sit in on one of his appeals.
We were surprised when he showed up at the courthouse wearing what he calls his costume of defiance.
“I am wearing this to show my contempt for the government’s refusal to understand the importance of my new marijuana.” He explained. “If they don’t want to deal with John Farly then they can deal with Mr. Greenbean.”

John Farly is seen here entering district court disguised as his alter ego, Mr. Greenbean.

The National Reporter went into the court room with Mr. Farly and as soon as the judge saw him dressed up as Mr.Greenbean he let out a long muffled moan, removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes.
“Good morning Mr. Farly.” He groaned. “I see we are going to be Mr.Greenbean again today.”
“Mr.Farly? Who is Mr.Farly? I am Mr. Greenbean.” He answered, with a grin.
I could hear people around me in the crowded courtroom whispering, “It’s that pot guy again.”
Others were laughing and taking pictures of him with their cell phones.
John Farly ignored all the comments and the flashing cell phones and remained focused on his case.
As soon as the court officer announced that court was now in session, the judge called Mr. Farly to the bench.
He whispered someting to him, I couldn’t hear what it was.
A second later two baliffs walked over to Mr. Farly and escorted him out of the courtroom.
This reporter met up with him outside.
The National Reporter– What happed Mr. Farl,..I mean Mr. Greenbean?
“The judge said that he wouldn’t allow me to present my case as long as I was being Mr. Greenbean.”
The National Reporter– Well that doesn’t seem fair.
“You’re damned right it isn’t fair.” He said. “There isn’t anything in the constitution that says you can’t wear a costume to court.”
The National Reporter– I believe you are right, Mr. Greenbean. What are you going to do now?
“Well, being that they recognise me as Mr. Greenbean, my next move calls for a different disguise.” He said. “Perhaps I can get their attention wearing my Mr. potatohead costume.
The National Reporter– Good idea, I am sure that will catch their attention.
“Yes,..Mr. Potatoehead,…just what the doctor ordered.” He said.
After that he just sort of floated off and disapeared down the street talking to himself.

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Get out of the way, here comes the insult bus!

The insult bus making its rounds through New Yorks citys famous SoHo section

The National Reporter

While sitting at a traffic light a year ago listening to people yelling at each other, 43 year old Martin Fromwell came up with an idea that would rake in thousands of dollars.
“Why not cash in on peoples hatred for each other?” He thought to himself.
Martin went to work right away working on his project and a year later he launched the insult bus.
The insult bus is a a bus where paying customers can yell insults, swear words and make obscene hand gestures at pedestrians walking along the streets.
“It’s a great way to vent off your frustrations or just have fun insulting total strangers.” Mr. Fromwell explained. “And it’s completely safe. No one can get on the bus once the doors and windows are locked and the bus has an open top deck that is twelve feet above the ground so people can scream at their victims below in complete safety.”

Mary Johnson (standing at the left in the blue shirt) with a group of passengers preparing to enjoy a trip down 42nd on the insult bus.

The National Reporter was invited to take a trip on the insult bus and interview some of the passengers to find out why this has become such a phenomenal success.
First up we interviewed Mary Johnson who is a regular insult bus passenger.
The National Reporter – What makes you want to scream at total strangers an make fun of them?
“I like it because it’s a perfect way to get all of my frustrations out,..hold on a moment.”
A second later, Mary had her head out the window screaming at an obese gentleman on the sidewalk.
“Hey you big fat smelly lard ass, you’re cracking the sidewalk. Why don’t you just float to where you’re going, ya big fat ****ing blimp!”
“Yeah, fat piece of crap. Get off the sidewalk and make room for the normal sized people like that ugly bald headed bastard behind you!” A passenger yelled from up top.
Some of the passengers were leaning out the windows giving the finger to pedestrians and screaming insults at them at the top of their lungs.

The passengers where shouting some of the most obscene degrading things at passer by that this reporter has ever heard.

No one was safe from their onslaught as the insult bus made it’s way down crowded 42nd street.
They hurled every racial epithet imaginable, they even insulted handicapped children in wheelchairs and crutches who where getting some fresh air in front of the children’s hospital.
After the bus had passed the crippled children and the yelling and laughing died down a little, I continued my interview with Ms. Johnson.
The National Reporter – Do you ever worry that the people you insult might recognize you on the street or follow the bus back to the terminal to get even with you?
“No, not really.” She said. “Why should I worry about that? This is fun and thinking about stuff like that just ruins it.”
“Hey douchebag!” A man next to me yelled loudly. “You got a big nose, you fat ugly retarded looking faggot!”
The man he was yelling at glared back angrily and gave him the middle finger.

The victims are helpless and can do little more than make a feeble attempt at returning the insults.

As the insult bus made its rounds up and down 42nd street leaving a hundreds of very angry people in it’s wake, I walked up stairs to the open upper deck to speak with the top riders.
“Hey string bean!” A woman in red yelled. “Watch out you don’t get stuck in a crack, ya boney assed piece of crap!”
Her two young children were sitting next to her giving everyone on the street the middle finger.
The National Reporter – Excuse me madam, do you think it is alright to let your children make such obscene gestures to total strangers like That?
“Yeah sure,..why not?” She said.
The National Reporter – Don’t you think it would be better if you taught them to respect people?
“What the hell are you talking about?”
The National Reporter – Children should be raised to respect people, not insult and ridicule them.
“Hey ma,..look at the big fat ass on this broad coming up!” her six year old son yelled out excitedly.
She spun around and laughed when she saw the portly woman down below.
An instant later the street echoed with insults containing the words, “fat ass and lard ass” bellowing from the mouths of every passenger on the bus both top and bottom.
“Hey lard ass, can I park my Harley between those ****ing beach balloons!?”
“Walk backwards big ass, I want to hear your back up alarm!”
“I’ll bet your farts sound like a ****ing air horn!”
The poor woman was humilated.
She looked like she was going to cry, her face was bright red and she refused to look at her tormenters.
“I’ll bet it takes you 24 hours to spin that big ass ass around just once!”
“Look how big her ****ing ass is! HA,HA,HA!” Mary Johnson yelled out.
As they were yelling insults at the poor woman, a man with thick eye glasses exited a store in front of her.
“Hey, look out four eyes!” the womans six year old daughter yelled out. “You’re gonna get sucked into that ladys giant ass because of her gravity!”
“Yeah Poindexter, out for her fat ass!” Her mother added.

And that was the way it went for the rest of the trip.
The passengers were yelling obscene degrading insults at complete strangers on the streets of new york city sometimes right in front of the police, who by the way did nothing about it.
If anyone is interested in taking a trip on the insult bus you can buy tickets at the terminal located at 54 38th street in NYC.
Tickets are $50 for adults and $25 dollars for children.
The insult bus operates weekdays and Saturdays from 8:00am to 6:00pm.
Please do not toss objects from the bus while it is in motion.

© The National Reporter, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Wisconsin man demands his right to be a cow

Trans-species human Dwight Haskel enjoying the company of his fellow cows in Dooleys pasture.

The National Reporter
22-year-old Wisconsin resident Dwight Haskel has been standing his ground against local lawmakers in defiance to their recent ruling regarding his trans-species rights case.
“Don’t care if he dresses up like a cow,  don’t care if he acts like a cow and don’t care if he thinks he is a cow,  he’s not a damned cow and that is all there is too it, damn it all!”  district court judge Thomas Wallace said.  “Dwight Haskel’s lawyers have wasted enough of this courts time,  he’s off his nut and he should be carted away to the rubber room!”
Dwight Haskel’s legal battle began last summer when Fitchburg police were called to investigate a trespassing complaint at Thomas Dooley’s farm.
When they arrived they were directed to the pasture where they found Dwight Haskel dressed in a cow costume grazing next to some of Mr. Dooleys cows.
When they approached the man, he ran off.
They chased him for quite a distance until they caught him.
“When we tackled him to the ground he started mooing and kicking his feet just like a cow in the rodeo when they get tied up by the cowboys.” Officer Shanks told us.
After he was arrested, Dwight called the ACLU and they agreed to help him with his trans-species rights case.
The ACLU have won Dwight the right to graze with the other cows on Dooleys farm until a final judgment is made in his case, which naturally has Thomas Dooley hopping mad.

Dairy farm owner Thomas Dooley is livid over the ACLU's interference in the case which has permitted Dwight Haskel to continue his charade.

“This is ridiculous!” Mr. Dooley said. “The guy is a nut case and he is scaring my live stock.  I should get out my shot gun and fill his rump with a load of buck shot!”
The National Reporter – How has his presence affected your cows?
“Every morning when that nut job shows up they get all edgy and nervous like they are afraid of him for some reason.”
The National Reporter – What could he be doing that is making them nervous?
“That’s what I was wondering.” Mr. Dooley said. “I wanted to find out what was going on, so I hid in a stack of hay bails with my Polaroid camera ready.”
The National Reporter – Did you photograph him doing anything to the cows?
“I sure did and I got the picture right here.” He said, holding up a Polaroid photograph.
The National Reporter  can have this picture, I got plenty of copies ready for court.” he said.
When this reporter looked at the image I can honestly say I was not surprised at all that Dwights desire to be a cow may be sexual in nature.

Caught in the act! Dwights desire to be a cow may not exactly be in the interest of a trans-species transformation. His real reasons may be sexual in nature.

“Now to make matters worse, I have another problem.” Mr. Dooley said.
The National Reporter – And what is that, Mr. Dooley?
“Right after the ACLU took the nut job’s case,  a group of hippys showed up to support him.”  He said.  “And they are just as crazy as he is, damned foul smelling pot smoking punks.  They’re not here today, they usually come during the middle of the week when the rest of the world is working. You come back tomorrow and you will get to meet our charming future leaders.”
The following day The National Reporter  returned to Dooleys farm to witness what Mr. Dooley had described as a ‘coven of kooks.’
As soon as I pulled into the driveway in  The National Reporter  Hum vee, I was greeted with a barrage of monotone chanting coming from several young people who apparently had not seen any soap or the inside of a shower stall in quite some time.
The body odor rising off of these grimey unshaven people was horrendous and they all seemed to be under the influence of some kind of drug, most likely marijuana roofers.
I walked right past them ignoring them the best I could to see why there was a crowd of young men from town crowded around a small enclosure.
I soon found out why.
A group of bare chested young women were demonstrating for trans-species rights and Dwight Haskel was doing his cow thing with some cows right behind them.
A short while later a local news crew arrived and began video taping the trashy show for their evening news.
Later in the afternoon more news crews began arriving to do the same.

As I watched the media circus swell, I started to see what a farce the whole thing really was and began putting the pieces together.
Dwight Haskel was obviously caught acting out some sort of bizarre sexual fetish where he dresses up like a cow and has his way with Ol’ Bessy.
This whole trans-species thing was just a smoke screen to fool the police and cover up his real motive for being in the pasture dressed like a cow when he was arrested.
He wasn’t fooling The National Reporter  because we have a knack for spotting phoney storys.
That is why The National Reporter prides itself on reporting the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Bare chested protestors arrived at the farm right after the ACLU took the case.

To date, Dwight Haskel has not been granted his right to be a cow and the battle continues between the ACLU and the district court.
In the meantime, the protestors have been arrving by the bus load and Mr. Dooleys farm is begining to look like a hippy festival.
“I just want this crap to be over with.” He sighed.

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Frankenstein robs Fort Lauderdale bank.

The National Reporter
47-year-old Robert Jeffreys has been roaming the streets of Fort Lauderdale Florida dressed like Frankensteins monster after having a bad reaction to LSD when he was 16.
Local residents were amused at first, but in the past few years his shenanigans have gone from amusing to down right frightening.
What started out as harmless fun soon became a serious psychosis.
He really believed that he was Frankenstein.
His first violent out burst was recorded on video tape at Fort Lauderdale’s  busy Coral Ridge mall.
He was video taped walking through the mall which he did everyday since he was 16 when he suddenly grabbed a small child and tried to drop her in the fountain.
Mall security guards quickly grabbed him and escorted him out of the mall and banned him from coming back.

Robert Jefferys is shown here walking through the Coral Ridge mall moments before he grabbed the child.

For the next two weeks the streets of fort Lauderdale were void of Roberts Jefferys daily strolls dressed like Frankenstiens monster.
Then in the early hours of December 18th, he reappeared in the lobby of the Colonial bank with a more sinister motive in mind other than to scare people with his monster costume.
He came to rob the bank.
“Everyone knows Robert, he’s a nut that  dresses like Frankenstien and walks around town trying to look scary.”  Robbery witness Tim Howell told us. “I always thought he was harmless until now.  It was really wierd,  he didn’t have a gun or anything.

He just thought that the tellers were going to hand the money over to him because he was dressed like Frankenstien and they would be terrorfied.
He just stood there grunting and saying gimmie money, me want money,..gimmie money!!”

Me want money,..gimme money! he grunted

“No one said anything, everyone thought he was just fooling around like he always does.
Then when the security guard walked over to tell him to leave,  he swatted him aside with his arm and stomped towards the counter.
That was when we realised that he had finally gone over the edge and completely lost his mind.”
The teller hit the silent alarm button when Robert started roaring insanely and climbed over the counter.
He rolled over the counter and fell to the floor and struggled to get to his feet for a minute or two,  he had a hard time because of his extra-large Frankenstein boot with the half-foot lift bottoms.
Once he got to his feet he began scooping up cash and stuffing it into his Frankenstein jacket.
When he had filled his jacket,  he roared at the tellers and the customers again and climbed back over the counter to make his get away.
He was grabbed by police and the FBI seconds after he walked out side and arrested.

Robert Jeffreys AKA, Frankenstein, being led away by police and the FBI after his unsuccessful bank robbery.

When he was brought into court for his arraignment, he had to strapped to a wheel chair because he had become increasingly violent while in custody.
Judge Ernest Goldman said he had never seen such a deranged individual in all his 36 years on the bench.
Roberts defence attorney is expected to enter the insanity plea.

Robert Jeffreys AKA, Frankenstein, being rolled into court for his arraignment.

Mr. Jeffreys is still in jail under suicide watch.
Judge Goldman has set his bail at 1 million dollars.
The National Reporter will be on hand to cover his trial when it comes up in mid July.
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Eye implants enable researchers to see drug induced hallucinations on video monitors.

Eye ball implants will enable researchers to see the world through the eyes of drug users.

The National Reporter
Scientists at MIT’s nanotechnology labs have developed a new type of vision enhancing implant that can be mounted onto the eyeballs of volunteers.
Once in place, the implants pick up the brainwaves of the test subject while under the influence of mind altering drugs such as LSD and are able to transmit the actual hallucinogenic images they are seeing back to a monitor.
“This is a major breakthrough in the field of psychiatric medicine.” Doctor Fred Reeves told  The National Reporter.
“This device will allow us to see exactly what people under the influence of drugs see.  This will help us to understand how certain drugs effect the mind.”
The National Reporter  was on hand during the first field test of the new device to see how it worked.
The first subject was fitted with his broadcasting unit and then given a dose of LSD,  he was then equiped with an inconspicuous antenna that was mounted on top of the head like a hat.
When the LSD began to take effect,  the subject was led away from the test vehicle and set free to walk around the town as the excited scientists watched every thing he was seeing through the monitor.
After awhile the images started to become fuzzy with small flashes of colored light skittering around objects,  then things began to stretch out of shape as if time and space itself was being torn apart.
The scientists watched closely as the subject walked up to a police officer and stared at him for a few minutes.

The subject found the traffic officer very interesting for some reason.

When we looked at the monitor we could see what he found so interesting about the policeman.
In the drug abusers mind, the police officer had become a green clay like creature and the automobiles behind him had somehow morphed into a little troll bridge like one would see in a children’s fantasy film.

The police officer appeared to be a green creature made out of clay

An aide who was following the subject to make sure he didn’t get into any trouble, came forward and nudged him away from the police officer and guided him down the street a short distance.
When he began crossing over to sidewalk cafe that was bustling with people, he stopped dead in his tracks and stared wide-eyed at a pair of small people.
For the next few minutes the subject and the tiny couple were locked in a staring contest.
They of course had no idea that he was high on drugs, they thought he was being rude.

The tiny couple and the test subject were frozen in their tracks staring each other down.

Back at the lab’s video monitor we could see exactly what our subject was seeing in his drugged up stupor and it was truly amazing.
To him, the dwarf couple appeared to be some sort of alien creatures and they were making strange sounds, like birds peeping and chirping.
Everything in the background, people, cars and objects seemed to be moving in slow motion and an odd sound like a deep oscillating hum was echoing from the distance.

The dwarf couple appeared to be small alien type beings squirming and making peeping sounds.

After a few minutes, the dwarf couple gave the test subject a dirty look and walked off.
He started to follow them but he was intercepted by the aid and brought back to the lab.
The scientists figured he had too much LSD and that he might get himself into trouble.
The subject was sedated and placed on a cot with his arms and legs strapped down for safety reasons while the scientists sat at the monitors reviewing the recordings of his LSD adventure.
“This is going to be a major breakthrough in the study of drug induced psychosis.” Doctor Freely said. “Instead of guessing what is wrong with a patient and taking great risk to calm them down when they are in this condition, emergency room personal will be able to see what is going on in the minds of their patients and it will be much easier for them to treat them.”
The National Reporter – It’s also very amusing to see the bizarre things that they are seeing.
“Yes, it is.” Doctor Freely said.

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A free prize in every box; Girl finds 1 pound block of hashish in her cereal box

Free prize winner

Janet Chow;It's party time!

Janet Chow sat down for breakfast the same way she always has.
But when she poured out her cereal last week an unexpected surprise plopped into her bowl.
A 1 pound block of pure turkish hashish with an estimated street value of over fifteen thousand dollars.
“I didn’t know what it was at first, I thought is was a big clump of brown sugar.” she said. “but when I smelled it I knew that it was definitely not brown sugar.”
The National Reporter – when did you find out what it really was?
“My friend Jeannie came over about fifteen minutes after I found it and she is a drug user.” she said. “I showed it to her and she sniffed it, then her eyes popped opened and she started jumping around all excited and told me it was brick of primo hash.”
The National Reporter- Did you notify the authority’s when you found out what it was?
“Oh hell no!” she laughed. “Me and Jeannie have been smoking it all week and selling little pieces of it to kids down at the school yard.  We made over two grand already and the kids are lining up to buy more.”
The National Reporter – What are you going to do with the money you make from selling it to the school children?
“Buy more!” she said. “This stuff is great!”

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