Mysterious sounds heard in the Bermuda triangle

The National Reporter
On January 16, 2015, merchant seamen aboard a cargo vessel were nearly deafened by a very loud sound that seemed to come out of no where.

“I don’t know what the hell it was, it scared the hell out of all of us.” Seaman John Swurley told us. “We were on deck checking to make sure the rigging hadn’t slipped out of place from a storm we went through the night before when all of a sudden this sound, like a roar started up. It got louder and louder until we were all holding our ears.”
“It reminded me of a big animal roaring, like a Lion or something, but it was coming from everywhere. The sky, the sea. Everywhere all at once.” Seaman Frank Kelly explained.
The National Reporter – How long did this sound last?
“It started up and got louder and louder then it faded away. I guess it lasted about a full minute.”
“Yeah,..I would say about a minute. It was loud as all hell then it just passed by and disappeared.” John Swurley added.
The National Reporter – Could it have been another ship or an airplane?
“No. absolutely not.”Frank Kelly said. “There was nothing around, there were no other ships or planes flying by. We were all alone out there and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, so it wasn’t thunder.”
The National Reporter – Have you reported this to your employer?
“They told us to keep our mouths shut about it and the government threatened us.” He said.
“The media acted like we were carrying Ebola when we went into their offices. They didn’t want to have anything to do with us or the story.”
The National Reporter – Well, you have The National Reporter on your side.
We here at The National Reporter are not afraid to tell the truth.
The government doesn’t scare us, we can assure of that.
“Yes, The National Reporter has always been a very reliable source of information.” Frank Kelly said.
“That’s right, unlike the sleazy tabloids who make up fantastic story’s just so they can sell advertising space to greedy corporations, The National Reporter can always be depended on for bringing the truth to the public.” John Swurley said.

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Angry theater patrons want obnoxious nerds to go!

We’re going to the movie theater to bother everyone by very loudly pointing out all of the technical errors.

The National Reporter
For years the movie going public has had to endure loud comments from nerds while trying to enjoy a film.
We all know the type.
It’s that particular variety of nerd that has a habit of pointing out a films technical flaws in a loud shrill nasally voice that almost always causes their glasses drop off and dangle by their black nylon eye glass retaining cords.
“We were trying to watch a movie and all of a sudden these four jack-asses sitting right behind us started jumping up and down squealing about how it is impossible for a space ship to make sound in outer space.” Roger Thompson of Hollywood Florida told us. “They scared the crap out of me and my wife when they jumped up and started banging around in the seats. And for Gods sake,..it WAS A CARTOON!!”
The National Reporter Spoke with the head of the movie theaters owners association about the problem.
“This has been going on since the fiftys when science fiction films became popular with the teenagers. At first the nerds just mumbled to each other for fear of getting beaten up by the other movie patrons, but in the 1980’s things got worse when the film Revenge of the nerds came out. It unified them.” He said.
“After that, nerds became more and more boisterous.”
The National Reporter How so?
“If the nerds discovered a new film had several technical flaws in it, they would return the next day by the hundreds shuffling into the theater all huddled together snorking like that Urkle kid on TV a few years ago, you know who I mean. That white kid.”
The National Reporter You mean Jaleel White?
“Yeah, that’s him.” He said.
“The nerds would all be hitting each other and making pig sounds and some of them would be telling the others to stop poking them and whining about how their popcorn got knocked over. As soon as the movie started they would all quiet down with their eyes riveted on the screen waiting in breathless anticipation for the first technical error. As soon as it played they all start in with the noises and laughter and demanding refunds.

The National Reporter What do you plan to do to rectify the problem?
“We’re not letting nerds into the theaters anymore. They can wait until the film comes out on video.
They can make all the noises they want in their parents basements or where ever they hole up in the daytime.
We are tired of these nerds ruining the movie for everyone else just to make people think they are so smart.
Big deal, they spot a flaw in a stupid science fiction movie and get all excited jumping around squealing and making pig sounds just so everyone in the theater knows they spotted it first,..as if finding these little technical errors is some kind of amazing feat that can only be accomplished by someone with a superior intellect.
Heres a newsflash for you nerds,..no one cares.
They just want to watch the movie and be entertained.
They don’t want to hear you pencil necked geeks going into fits of excitement as if you just won the Nobel prize for string spotting.
Everyone knows the flying saucer isn’t real because it’s a science fiction movie.”

Guns don’t make any sound in outer space, it’s impossible because there is no air because sound needs to move air molecules in order to travel, I know because I am a science major and I am taking astrophysics next semester. This movie is fake! I want my money back!!

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Ancient Martian building may have been a brothel

Ancient martian building first photographed in 1987 may have been used as a house of ill repute millions of years ago by Martians.

 

The National Reporter
The famous ruins that were first discovered and photographed on Mars way back in 1987 may reveal some clues to the nature of the civilisation that built it.
Scientific data accumulated from the photographs and from recent discoverys indicate that the building was in the center of Martian activity much in the same way that brothels dominated frontier boom towns in the U.S.
It has been suggested that ancient Martians worked as miners in the nearby mountains and they may have spent their earnings in the local house of prostitution just like miners did on Earth in the 1800’s.
“They were very much like us.” Doctor George Westly of The National Institute of ancient studies told us.
“The ancient Martian men would go to work in the nearby mountains toiling underground for hours on end and at the end of the week they would reward themselves with a trip to the local bawdy house just like their human counterparts on Earth.”
Although Dr.Westlys theory has attracted the attention of a public eager to delve into what could be a lascivious past of the long extinct Martian race, it has also drawn quite a bit of criticism from the scientific community.
“Westly is an idiot, plain and simple.” Professor Alex Cantone huffed. “A martian whorehouse? Bah,..rubbish!” 

Close up of the suspected den of iniquity nestled in the hills of the Martian landscape.

 

Dr.Westly has defended his Martian bordello theory at several scientific seminars across the globe in recent months.
“I don’t understand why my colleagues are having such a hard time believing the truth about the ancient Martians.” He told us. “I don’t understand why they can’t just accept the fact that these were ordinary people with ordinary needs just like us.
Why do they have to embrace the silly image of Martians being super intelligent and advanced?
People who think that way have watched way too many science fiction movies.” 

For now the Martian cat house theory is still being discussed within scientific circles but not taken seriously, much to the dismay of Dr. Westly.
“I will take this to the public and present all of my evidence that this was a brothel.” he said. “The truth will not be denied and I will show the world.” 

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Censors move at light speed to remove UFO from Google Earth

 

Strange disc shaped object on the ground in a remote area of Canada

The National Reporter
Google Earth has once again been caught removing the image of a suspected UFO from their famous mapping program.
In the photograph above, a disc shaped object is clearly seen on the ground in this isolated region of Canada.

A second photograph of the landing site was taken a day later and quickly used to replace the original image.

The suspected UFO in the photograph above was in Google Earths data base on April 14 when it was first spotted by a North Carolina man who immediatly posted it on the internet.
The image was quickly removed within 24 hours of his discovery by Google Earths special censorship team.
The area in question can be viewed by typing these coordinates into Google Earths search window.
54 12’56.76N    106 00’52.12″W

If anyone doubts that Google Earth has removed the image and replaced it with one showing no UFO, you can see it for yourself.

UFO’s have become such a problem for Google Earth that they had to assemble a special censorship team who’s sole purpose is to scan all the new images for any signs of extra-terrestrial space craft.
In the past, actual UFO images have appeared on Google Earth much to the dismay of certain government agencys which because of national security, The National Reporter is forbidden to name.
Google Earths censorship team has also been instrumental in debunking other alleged images of UFO’s that turned out to be common objects such as round buildings and radio antennas.

Top: an unidentified flying object that was quickly removed by Google Earth.Bottom: What appears to be a classical flying saucer is nothing more than a round pump building in Romania.

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Sleazy tabloid plagiarizes story from The National Reporter!

The Global Tabloids Feb. 10, 2010 is out right theft of The National Reporter's Dec. 7th, 2009 article.

The National Reporter

The lowlife sleazy scum who run The Global Tabloid have once again shown their inability and unwillingness to report the truth with the same honesty and integrity as the dedicated men and women at The National Reporter who work tirelessly to bring our readers the truth.
They have plagiarized our exclusive story about the very first authentic photograph taken of legendary Jersey devil that The National Reporter showed to the world on December 7th, 2009. two months prior to The Global Tabloids theft of our story.

Read the original Story here.
The Jersey devil captured on film!

As soon as The Global Tabloid’s rag hit the stands this morning, our readers began swamping our phones with complaints.
Many of them are experienced lawyers who have offered to sue The Global Tabloid for plagiarism on our behalf, but we had to decline their generous offer.
The National Reporter has a legal staff who are experts on plagiarism cases.
What upset us is the fact that so many people are going to buy The Global tabloid and believe that they were the first news service to break the story.
What really made us angry was the bogus images they used which we will examine right now.

In the first photo which was also used on the cover, we see what is supposed to be the Jersey devil standing in front of an old abandoned house in the woods.
This looks nothing at all like the real Jersey devil, which of course can be proven very easily by comparing it to the genuine photograph taken by Dave Morrison.
Anyone can see that this is an actor wearing a pair of phony bat wings.

Cover photo. Anyone can see that this is obviously an actor.


In the second photograph we see the same actor standing behind a fence in a menacing stance.
This is the photograph that necessitated the disclaimer on the front page warning the readers that it was so frightening that viewing it can make them to throw up.

According to the Global Tabloid's warning, this image is so scary that it can make you throw up.


After close examination of these photographs The National Reporter has concluded without a shadow of a doubt that they are not the Jersey devil, they are fake.
With that in mind, the public has to come to the realisation that there are unscrupulous news agencys out there who will lie, plagiarize and fabricate ridiculous storys for their own selfish reasons.
They don’t care if their storys cause the public to panic, that is not their concern.
Their only concern is how much money they can squeeze out of John Q. Public.
And it isn’t just the seedy news reporters who make this junk up, there are also the every day ordinary people who get involved with them to make money as well.
We decided to track down the actor who played the Jersey devil for The Global Tabloid to find out who he is and why he sold out to that sleeze rag.
It didn’t take us very long thanks to The National Reporters face identification machine.
We scanned the face of the actor in the fake Jersey devil images and within a few minutes the owner of said face was identified.
It was none other than former Happy days star, Henry Winkler.
According to people who know him, this is just the sort of thing that he would do.
Apparently he thought lying to millions of people and helping a sleazy paper like the Global Tabloid would be a fun way to spend his weekend.

Aaaaaayyyy,... the fonz had fun making a few bucks fooling all you idiots who read The Global Tabloid!

And now to show our readers what real reporting is all about, we have for you an exclusive photograph taken by an army private stationed at Fort Dix NJ, which is located inside the pine barrens.
There are only two genuine photographs of the Jersey devil in existance and The National Reporter has been given exclusive rights to both of them.
Don’t fall for any sleazy tabloid who says they have photographs of the Jersey devil.

Photograph of the Jersey devil hiding in the ruins of an old house inside of the pine barrens. This photograph was taken by an Army private from nearby Fort Dix who wishes to remain anonymous.

Fort Dix Army private who took the photograph seen here stealing a television set from recreation hall. His face has been blacked out to protect his identity.

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Mysterious electronic implant discovered in mans tooth

Bizarre implant was discovered during routine dental exam.

The National Reporter
Wally Hanson, a sixty-seven year old retired police officer from Albany New York, got an unexpected surprize last week.
While visiting his dentist for a routine check up, a mysterious metallic object was discovered in his tooth.
“It’s weird as hell.”  He said.  “It’s a tiny electronic implant of some sort.  I have no idea how the hell it got there.  It wasn’t there the last time I had my teeth X-rayed a year ago.”
His dentist, Dr. Fred Wallington had this to say.
“I never saw anything like this.  There is no opening anywhere near the implant. No scarring or filling, it’s like it just grew there.”

There are no markings to indicate how the strange electronic implant was placed into the tooth.

Mr. Hanson contacted the FBI about his mysterious implant the day after it was discovered and they were very interested in finding out what it was.
He was immediately flown to Washington DC to under go some extensive tests.
Dr. Bernard of the FBI’s forensic medical investigations unit conducted several tests on the object and concluded that it was a transmitter of some sort and that  not only was it transmitting a  very high frequency signal,  it was also receiving an incoming signal.
What that incoming signal is and how it is effecting Mr. Hanson is a mystery.
“It doesn’t seem to be having any kind of effect on Mr. Hanson.” Dr. Bernard told us. “But we do know that every time it transmits, a few seconds later a signal is returned to the device.”
The National Reporter – How often does the implant send out signals?
“We’re not sure, but it seems to be at least four times a day. They are very short and easy to miss, so there may be more.  Some of them only last for a hundredth of a second, but despite the short transmission time, there is a lot of information being exchanged.”
The National Reporter – Do you have any idea who or what put the implant in Mr. Hanson’s tooth?
“Not yet, but it can be anything from some kind of marketing device placed in there by a corporation or a foreign government using it to spy on us. And we aren’t counting out extra terrestrial’s either.”
The National Reporter – Do you have any idea’s what the signals are saying?
“They are in some kind of code, but it isn’t the usual binary code.  This is weird, it’s in some sort of quad code.  So far we haven’t been able to make heads or tails out of it.”
The National Reporter – Have you tried to remove it?
“Yes, and when we did the implant immediately lost power and shut down.  Apparently it is rigged to disable itself if the tooth is removed, so we have to study it while it is in Mr. Hanson’s mouth.”

The FBI has still not been able to decipher the code or locate the origin of the implant.
They have informed The National Reporter they we would be notified when they have learned more about it.
Until then, we will just have to wait.

Breaking news flash!!

Click this link—Mystery of the electronic tooth implant has been solved!

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600 million year old fossils of tiny humanoids found in Antarctica, Anthropologists baffled

Tiny fossilized skeletons were found in the Whitmore mountain range

The National Reporter
fossilized skeletal remains of what appears to be extremely small humans have been discovered in the rocky terrain of Antarctica’s Whitmore mountain range.
Interestingly enough, this discovery was made while yours truly was in Antarctica on assignment for The National Reporter to debunk a ridiculous tabloid story about a UFO base in the area.    

Top; Basecamp with National Reporter tent in the foreground. Bottom; Star reporter Ace Flashman walking with his investigative team.

While investigating this silly story with several colleagues, we happened upon a group of paleontologists who were searching for evidence that dinosaurs had once roamed the Antarctic continent before it tore loose from Africa and south America and drifted southward to its present location.
What they found instead astonished them, not only because of what it was but because of its age.
“We tested the fossils and have determined without a shadow of doubt that they are at least 600 million years old.” Doctor Marly of Cambridge University told us.  “600 million years ago, jellyfish first appeared. There were no human beings in the world and there wouldn’t be any for for nearly five hundred and 60 million years. There weren’t even any dinosaurs around at that time.”
“The first skeleton we found was hidden within the layers of a large piece of sedimentary rock that we had broken loose from the mountainside.
We knew that it would most likely  contain some fossils because of its type and age.” Dr.Marly explained.
“When we split the rock apart  we were completely confused.  Here was this fossil from an age when the appearance of the first vertebrates were still millions of years off and it was a complete skeleton. And not only that, it appeared to be human.”    

First fossilised skeleton they found was less than a foot tall.

“The second skeleton was a very good specimen, Unlike the first one, the second skeleton was in a fully extended position with excellent detail.” Dr. Marly told us. “It is quite obvious from our study of these skeletons that they are definitely human and not a species of primate.  Who they were and how large their population was and if they were technologically advanced is a complete mystery.”

The second tiny skeleton was very well-preserved and showed quite a bit of detail.

The fossils have been flown to the National institute of ancient studys in Washington DC  for further analysis.
The National Reporter  will be doing a follow-up report on this amazing discovery within the next few months. 
The National Reporter would also like to stress to our readers that these tiny fossilized humanoid skeletons are not the remains of extraterrestrial aliens as we expect the tabloids will be reporting it when the news breaks.
If you encounter any storys of these fossils that claim they are extra-terrestrial in origin, please ignore them.
Only in The National Reporter  will you read the truth about them. 

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