Tall hat cult stirring up trouble in San Francisco

The National Reporter

San Francisco’s infamous tall hat cult is once again stirring up debate among city law makers and voters this week by demanding equal rights and full recognition as a legitimate religion.
These renewed protests were sparked off when a group of silver tall hats deliberately lined up in the front row of San Francisco’s largest movie theater and blocked the screen from the rest of the patrons.
Silver hats are the high priests of the tall hat cult and are known to be extremely militant when they want to be.

A line of protesting silver hats blocked the screen during a film nearly setting off a riot.

A half hour after the silver hats began their protest, the theater manager notified the police.
By the time the police arrived the front entrance of the theater was blocked by nearly one hundred tall hats shouting the sacred words of the tall hat cult.
The mob was comprised of lesser members who are refered to as card board tube heads.
“HA-goot-TAH-Pooh-gah!!” they chanted loudly, refusing to allow the police entrance into the theater.
Finally the police dispersed the cultists with a fire hose that knocked their card board hats to the ground and ruined them with the water.
The following day several tall hat cultists set up a picket line in front of town hall with at least two of the dangerous silver hats in attendance.
Police suspect that the silver hats were there to direct the card board tube heads in case they wanted them to become violent.

Two silver hats are seen here leading the card board tube heads at the picket line in front of town hall.


Police were worried that the protest could escalate into a full fledged riot if they tried to prevent the tall hats from picketing, so they blocked off the main street and let them march.
“There are hundreds of these wacko’s out there.” The police chief told us. “If we try to stop them from picketing all hell will break loose.”
The people have had enough of the tall hat cult and they have been banned from most business’s including the public bus system, which is what set off the first riots last summer.
The city bus line refused to allow tall hats to ride the bus unless they removed their hats after one of them caused an accident when his hat pinned the drivers face to the windshield while the tall hat cultist was taking his seat.
“This is ridiculous.” Transit chief William Brown said. “These tall hat cultists,. all they are is a bunch of nut jobs who want attention and to cause trouble. They should all be run out-of-town.”

The city bus line has banned the tall hats from their buses after one of them caused an accident with his hat.

For now the tall hat cult is keeping this latest round of civil unrest at an acceptable level, but the police are keeping a close watch on them and it has been rumored that several undercover officers have infiltrated the cult.
As always, The National Reporter will keep our readers up to date on this and other story’s as they develop.

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New riot control weapon in police arsonal

Riot police show off their new riot control weapons

The National Reporter
Police departments around the globe are praising a new weapon that is guaranteed to fend off rowdy rioters without the use of deadly force.
The simple device is the latest invention in Smith&Wesson’s long line of law enforcement oriented products.
“What we did is very simple.”Smith&Wesson chief of development told us. “We took a piece of wood that we use to make standard sized batons and instead of cutting it down, we left it at twice its normal size. Then we skewered a sizable wad of dog feces on the end and viola,.. a new non leathal riot control weapon was born!”
The National Reporter – This is remarkable, and from what we have heard it is completely safe and causes no ill effects.
“That’s absolutly true, it is already in use by several police agencys and they have given it the thumbs up across the board.”

A rioter being sub-dood by police using the new non lethal weapon.

The new device couldn’t have come at a better time as more and more frequent food shortages and failing economys around the world are causing a backlash against those who are responsible.
“If the People are going to rise up against the government, the government has to keep them under control.” Attorney General Eric Holder said. “This new anti riot device not only works very well to silence rioters, its very design also speaks very well for the way the government treats the people who elected us.”

Take that you rioter! You are now a marked man!

So far the new device has led to the break up of several riots around the world and the people are being sub-dood and forced back into submission.
The government is very pleased with the new device and plans to incorporate it into everyday use such as hall monitoring in public schools and to make sure the thriving shopping mall industry is safe and secure from shop lifters.

Supply line stands ready for the riot to begin.

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Blackbeards parrot still alive and talking 292 years after the famed pirates death

Pepe, the 306 year old pet parrot of famed pirate Blackbeard.

The National Reporter
Pepe the parrot, Blackbeard’s companion during his famous exploits on the high seas, is still alive and talking up a storm 292 years after Blackbeard’s death and what he has to say has historians in an up roar.
It was previously believed that Blackbeard was killed during a battle with sailors sent to kill him on orders from Virginas governor, Alexander Spotswood.
But according to Pepe the parrot, this story is not true.
Black beard the pirate was killed in a fight with his life long nemesis, Popette.

Popette the sailing man, Blackbeard's arch nemesis and according to Pepe, the man who killed the famous pirate.

Pepe explained to a crowded room at MIT that the long-standing feud between Blackbeard and Popette began when they were in their early twenties.
They both had a crush on the daughter of Eliza McMurryweather, the local businessman who had made a fortune in the importing business in particular the olive oil trade which was very lucrative in the days preceding the discovery of crude oil.
Olive oil was prefered over whale oil because it was only a fraction of the price and had more uses.
Pepe told the audience that it was during their very first fist fight that Blackbeard suffered an injury that would cause him a great deal of pain for the rest of his life.
He had broken the big toe on his left foot and he foolishly let it go untreated.
As a result, the toe became permanently discolored dark blue.
Popette would mock him when ever their paths crossed by calling him, ‘Blue toe.”

Teresa McMurryweather the daughter of olive oil importer Eliza McMurryweather was the apple of both Blackbeard's and Popette's eye.

When they were in their early thirtys they ran into each other in a saloon in Haiti and immediately got into a brutal fist fight that lasted for nearly an hour.
During the scuffle, Blackbeard stabbed Popette in the face with a dagger which resulted in the loss of his eye.
Because of the persistent pain in his eye socket, Popette began ingesting large quanitys of marijuana .
After years of abusing the drug he developed a drug induced psychosis that made him believe that the marijuana had the ability to give him super strength and added to that the constant exposure to the harsh resins, his vocal chords became severely damaged resulting in his well-known gravely voice.

Blackbeard the pirate, also known as Blue toe because of the discolored big toe he acquired during a fistfight with Popette the sailing man.

Because of his advanced age, Pepe was only able to speak for a short time.
He was returned to his room by his nursing staff and is expected to continue his speaking tour in a few days.
The National Reporter will be on hand when he does.

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Remarkable new strain of marijuana increases intelligence

John Farly is seen here holding his miraculous marijuana

The National Reporter
A Newton Massachusetts man has developed a new type of marijuana that he claims has the power to enhance the intelligence of anyone who smokes it.
John Farly announced his amazing new discovery last summer at the state science fair in Boston.
So far all of his test subjects claim that they have experienced an increase in intelligence after smoking the marijuana.
State drug control officers are keeping a close watch on Mr. Farly in case they decide to arrest him for violating Mass. drug laws.
“I don’t understand why they would want to arrest me.”Mr.Farly told us. “This is a good thing, not a bad thing.”

One of his test subjects, Carlos Beninto, invented and constructed a pair of makeshift wings while he was under going an intelligence boost with the help of John Farlys marijuana.
“I can’t believe how much this marijuana increased my intelligence.” He said “I invented, designed and built the wings within a half hour after smoking Johns amazing new marijuana.”

Carlos Beninto seen here wearing his fantastic flying wings.

John Farly has tried to obtain a U.S. patent for his new strain of marijuana several times, but his request has been turned down on the grounds that it violates U.S. drug laws.
The National Reporter went with Mr. Farly to district court last week to sit in on one of his appeals.
We were surprised when he showed up at the courthouse wearing what he calls his costume of defiance.
“I am wearing this to show my contempt for the government’s refusal to understand the importance of my new marijuana.” He explained. “If they don’t want to deal with John Farly then they can deal with Mr. Greenbean.”

John Farly is seen here entering district court disguised as his alter ego, Mr. Greenbean.

The National Reporter went into the court room with Mr. Farly and as soon as the judge saw him dressed up as Mr.Greenbean he let out a long muffled moan, removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes.
“Good morning Mr. Farly.” He groaned. “I see we are going to be Mr.Greenbean again today.”
“Mr.Farly? Who is Mr.Farly? I am Mr. Greenbean.” He answered, with a grin.
I could hear people around me in the crowded courtroom whispering, “It’s that pot guy again.”
Others were laughing and taking pictures of him with their cell phones.
John Farly ignored all the comments and the flashing cell phones and remained focused on his case.
As soon as the court officer announced that court was now in session, the judge called Mr. Farly to the bench.
He whispered someting to him, I couldn’t hear what it was.
A second later two baliffs walked over to Mr. Farly and escorted him out of the courtroom.
This reporter met up with him outside.
The National Reporter– What happed Mr. Farl,..I mean Mr. Greenbean?
“The judge said that he wouldn’t allow me to present my case as long as I was being Mr. Greenbean.”
The National Reporter– Well that doesn’t seem fair.
“You’re damned right it isn’t fair.” He said. “There isn’t anything in the constitution that says you can’t wear a costume to court.”
The National Reporter– I believe you are right, Mr. Greenbean. What are you going to do now?
“Well, being that they recognise me as Mr. Greenbean, my next move calls for a different disguise.” He said. “Perhaps I can get their attention wearing my Mr. potatohead costume.
The National Reporter– Good idea, I am sure that will catch their attention.
“Yes,..Mr. Potatoehead,…just what the doctor ordered.” He said.
After that he just sort of floated off and disapeared down the street talking to himself.

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Shocking Kennedy secret revealed; the tale of Ted’s tail.

The National Reporter
A secret that has been kept from the public for over 77 years has been exposed by a close confidant of the Kennedy clan.
The whistle blower, (who wishes to remain anonymous) has supplied The National Reporter with shocking unretouched photographs of Ted Kennedy taken at various times during his life.
What these photographs reveal has never been seen by anyone outside of the Kennedys tightly guarded political circle, until now.
As you can plainly see in these following unretouched photographs of Edward Kennedy, he had a condition known as Sacrococcygeal teratoma.
In laymans terms,..Ted Kennedy had a tail.

In this unretouched photograph, you can see Ted's tail protruding from under his suit in plain sight of the people behind him.

Photograph of Ted's tail in plain sight before being removed from the photograph with a computer imaging program.

This unflattering photo of the late senator was never shown until his tail was air brushed out of the image.

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Tremendous sink hole treatening to swallow community in Virginia

The National Reporter
What began as a small hole in the ground along side of a path in a wooded area next to a Virginia beach community has grown into a colossal bottomless pit.
A group of hikers discovered the hole four months ago and reported it to the parks department.
“It looked like it could be quite hazardous.” Frank Blakely, one of the hikers told us. “We were afraid some small children might come along and fall into it. It was deep as all hell, we dropped a few rocks into it and we never heard them hit bottom.”

The hole was first discovered by hikers along side of a path in the local woods.

The parks department closed off the hole with caution tape and a plastic mesh fence and had made plans to fill the hole in.
But two weeks later the ground around the hole in a one hundred foot radius began to sink.
Several witnesses were on hand as the ground collapsed opening up a very large crater that toppled trees.
“It was a frightening thing to watch.” Silvia Shelby told us. “we could see the ground begining  to move downward slowly at first, then it just gave way and the ground opened up. Trees fell over and went down into the hole, rocks and boulders tumbled down. It was a terrifying spectical to watch.”

Two weeks after the hole was first discovered, the ground collapsed around it forming a huge crater big enough to topple trees.

That was just the beginning of things to come.
In the following months the hole continued to grow in size and depth.
by the end of the first month the hole looked like an open stone quarry one would see in the mid-west.
Local residents were in fear of the hole growing even larger and demanded that something be done about it.
“How big are they going to let that thing get before they do something about it?” nearby resident, Gloria Loomis asked.
“That damned hole is only a half mile from by house, I’m scared to death!”

One month later, the sink hole resembled an open quarry.

Virginia Governor Tim Kaine has sent surveyors out to the hole to measure its depth and width and secretary of state Hillary Clinton has been given 100 million dollars to form a study group to discuss the reactions of the local wildlife.
In the meantime the hole as grown larger each day.
Three months after the hikers came across the hole, it  grew to over five hundred yards across.

Aerial view of the hole three months after it was first discovered.

Four months later, the hole has grown to enormous proportions.
At nearly a half mile wide and with no indication of how deep it is, the hole continues to grow each day.
It has expanded to the nearby rivers and created huge water falls on its ridge which are emptying the water at a dramatic rate.
The draw of water into the hole has caused a huge surge in sea water to travel up the river and at high tide the sound of water crashing over the newly formed falls is deafening.
Residents who live  a mere few yards of the hole have been evacuated, and all they can do is stand by and watch helplessly as their homes tumble into the hole within the next few days.

Four months later the hole is poised to swallow up homes in the nearby community.

The National Reporter  went to the state capital to meet with Governor Tim Kaine to find out what he was going to do about the giant sink hole.
“There isn’t a lot we can do about it because our funds are very limited.” he told us. “It is possible to fill the hole in, but it would cost nearly 100 million dollars and the federal government refuse’s to throw that much money away on what they call, wasteful projects,  since this hole is only effecting local residents in a small town.”
The National Reporter – So what is going to happen to the people who lose their homes in the next few weeks?
“They will have to make the best of their situation I’m afraid.”

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Breaking news; Will the real Osama Bin Laden please stand up?

Bin Laden is a dwarf

Pint sized terrorist Osama Bin Laden sitting with one of his advisors

The National Reporter
Photographs captured by the U.S. army yesterday that were hidden deep inside a cave once used by Al Queda operatives has revealed a startling revelation which has been unknown up to now.
Osama Bin Laden is dwarf.
The National Reporter  met with the commanding officer of fire base zero charlie, which is located in the hills a few miles from where the photographs were found.
We spoke to General Winston Adams of the tenth division about the shocking discovery.
“It was really quite a shock when we examined the pictures and saw who it was.” He said. “Ever since the hunt for Bin Laden began it was assumed from his photographs that he was over six feet tall.”
The National Reporter  “What do you estimate his height to be?”
“Well,.. judging from the rifle next to him on the sofa, I would say he is about two and a half feet tall.” He told us.
The National Reporter  “Correct me if I am wrong General Adams, but didn’t a soldier report seeing a dwarf fleeing from a cave he was checking last year?”
“Yes, we have reopened his report and found that a photograph was taken at the time which shows a dwarf resembling Osama Bin Laden scampering out of the cave right in front of him. Unfortunatly he disapeared into a small hole before the soldier could grab him. He dropped a grenade in after him, but he got away. After we saw this eye opening photograph, We are now positive that it was Bin Laden.”

Osama giving the slip to a marine

Photograph taken of Osama Bin Laden last year as he dashed from a cave he was hidding in.

After our meeting with general Adams, The National Reporter  went to Cairo to see if we could dig up some more evidence of the diminutive terrorist.
It didn’t take long.
Here is private family photograph of Osama Bin Laden that was lifted by  The National Reporter  from his parents home while they were out for the evening.
It is apparent that dwarfism runs in the Bin laden family as evidenced by the photograph.

Obama with dog

Osama Bin Laden with his uncle, Hussien Bin Laden in the familys dog stable. Osama is seen here petting his favorite riding dog, Habbib.

According to the inscription written on the back of the photograph, Habbib was Osama’s favorite riding dog.
That is, he rode the dog like it was a horse on his familys private race track.
Now it can be understood why the search for Osama Bin Laden has been so difficult.
The army has been looking for a man who is reported to be over six feet tall while in reality, Osama Bin Laden is just slightly over two feet tall and able to crawl into tunnels that an average sized person could barely stick their arm in. 
 The National Reporter will keep our readers udated on this startling new twist in the Osama Bin Laden saga as it unfolds.

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Police in Tennessee unhappy with new uniforms

Gay uniform resized

Spencer Tennessee police officer Greg Porter; I feel like a damned fool in this thing.

The National Reporter
Elementary school students in Spencer Tennessee were invited to participate in a city wide contest sponsored by the local chamber of commerce to promote solidarity between the police and the populace.
The children, kindergarten to grade six, were given the task of designing new uniforms for the Spencer police department.
The chamber of commerce and the police chief promised that the police would be wearing the winning design.
Almost every child in the Tennessee town went to work designing their new police uniforms.
As the designs flooded into the chamber of commerce, the officials had a good time chuckling at the childrens uniforms, they thought they were very cute.
Most of them looked like pirate and cowboy outfits and some of them from the little girls had fairy wings and magic wands.
When the big day arrived and the best uniform would be decided with votes, the police and the chamber of commerce realised that they had made one big error in the rules.
They mistakingly stipulated in the rules that only the children could vote in the contest and no matter what the outcome, the town would have to spend their entire uniform budget to have them made and the police would have to wear them.

When the big day arrived, all the children cast their votes for their favorite design.
By 3:00 pm the winner was decided.
The creation of third grade student, Hector Bean won the most votes for his He-man, masters of the universe ensamble complete with the magic sword.
Three weeks later the new uniforms arrived and the Spencer police were ordered to turn in their old uniforms in exchange for the new ones.
If they refused, they would lose their jobs.
Two of the officers resigned on the spot rather than having to bear the humilation of wearing them.
The rest of them reluctantly put the new uniforms on and went out on their regular patrols.
“It was the most embarrassing day in my entire life. “Sgt. Timothy Brown said. “People were laughing and pointing at me all day. One of them asked me why I wasn’t riding Cringer, my fearless friend, who becomes Battle cat. They also asked me where Orko was, who ever the hell that is.”

The spencer police have filed a grievance with the Tennessee state PBA and are expecting to hear from them as soon as possible so that the problem can be resolved in a way that won’t hurt the kids feelings.
The National Reporter went to the Spencer police department and talked with Lt. Jason Berkly, who is the coordinator for public relations.
“I know we promised the kids that we would wear the uniform they decided on, but this is ridiculous. These things make us look retarded and the whole town is laughing at us. Well, not the whole town.
Every kid under 11 years old think we look really cool.” He said, holding up his plastic power sword.
He plopped it on his desk when the phone rang.
“Yeah,..what is it this time?” he asked. The call was from the front desk.
“Lieutenant, we are getting so many calls from people calling for help to save them from Skeletor that none of the real emergency calls are getting through.” The desk sergent said. “What the hell are we going to do?”
Lt. Berkly dragged his hand down his face, picked up his power sword and threw it across the room.
I decided that it would be best if I ended my interview at that time.
The Spencer police are still wearing their He-man, ‘masters of the universe’ uniforms while they wait to hear from the Tennessee state PBA.
Apparently they have become deadlocked in the Tennessee state supreme court against the ACLU who are arguing that the childrens civil rights will be violated if they stop wearing the he-man outfits.

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Mr.Whoopie goes to Washington

Whoopie attacks

Mr.Whoopie storms the speakers podium and disrupts congress


The National Reporter
A man who dresses up in a giant whoopie cushion and calls himself Mr.Whoopie invaded congress this weekend.
“No one saw him enter the room, all of a sudden this guy dressed like a giant whoopie cushion was dancing around next to the speaker making loud obnoxious noises.” Said chief security officer, Henry Lasko.
The members of congress stared in disbelief as he put on his display, then just as quickly as he appeared he dashed out of the room and headed to the senate.
He pushed his way past two guards and barged through the doors. As soon as he was inside he ran to the middle of the crowded room and started dancing wildly, flailing his arms and making very loud obnoxious noises.

Whoopie 2

Mr.Whoopie's next stop, the senate floor.

“We all thought it was a joke, or maybe some one was getting one of those gag telegrams. You know like a singing telegram.” Senator Brownstone said.”I guess he was just a nut, I mean, he was just dancing around making noises. He wasn’t even making any kind of political protest or anything, he was just dancing around making sputtery fart noises. It didn’t make any sense at all, he must have been drunk or high on drugs. It was one of the weirdest things I have ever seen.”
Mr. Whoopie was apprehended a few minutes later by DC police and charged with trespassing and being a disorderly person.
He is being held in DC city jail in leu of $50.000 bond.

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Hillary Clinton caught peeping in neighbors bedroom window

Peeping Hillary

Shocking photographic evidence of Hillarys twisted compulsion


The National Reporter
For weeks people living in the posh neighborhood in upper state NY where former president Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary now call home have complained to police that they have found foot prints in the snow out side of their bedroom windows indicating that there was a peeping Tom on the loose.
Police investigated but found no clues as to the identity of the peeping Tom, they dismissed it as neighborhood teenagers having a few laughs.
For awhile the incidents stopped until a week ago when a neighbor (who wishes to remain anonymous) got the shock of her life when she saw someone standing outside of her bedroom window looking inside.
The woman immediatly grabbed her camera and snapped a photo of the peeping Tom a split second before she saw her and ran off.
She couldn’t believe her eyes when she examined the face in the image.
It was Hillary Clinton!
She waited until her husband came home and showed him the photo.
He was agast at what he saw.
“How can she do such a thing?” he said. “for Gods sake, she ran for president of the United States last year and she is the former first lady.”
They took the photo to the police and showed it to detectives.
After they had examined it and confirmed that it was indeed Hillary Clinton, they cautioned the couple and advised them to keep quiet about it.
“You know what happens when you cross the Clintons.”detective Jones warned. “You’le end up dead and we will have to cover it up.”

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