Tall hat cult stirring up trouble in San Francisco

The National Reporter

San Francisco’s infamous tall hat cult is once again stirring up debate among city law makers and voters this week by demanding equal rights and full recognition as a legitimate religion.
These renewed protests were sparked off when a group of silver tall hats deliberately lined up in the front row of San Francisco’s largest movie theater and blocked the screen from the rest of the patrons.
Silver hats are the high priests of the tall hat cult and are known to be extremely militant when they want to be.

A line of protesting silver hats blocked the screen during a film nearly setting off a riot.

A half hour after the silver hats began their protest, the theater manager notified the police.
By the time the police arrived the front entrance of the theater was blocked by nearly one hundred tall hats shouting the sacred words of the tall hat cult.
The mob was comprised of lesser members who are refered to as card board tube heads.
“HA-goot-TAH-Pooh-gah!!” they chanted loudly, refusing to allow the police entrance into the theater.
Finally the police dispersed the cultists with a fire hose that knocked their card board hats to the ground and ruined them with the water.
The following day several tall hat cultists set up a picket line in front of town hall with at least two of the dangerous silver hats in attendance.
Police suspect that the silver hats were there to direct the card board tube heads in case they wanted them to become violent.

Two silver hats are seen here leading the card board tube heads at the picket line in front of town hall.

Police were worried that the protest could escalate into a full fledged riot if they tried to prevent the tall hats from picketing, so they blocked off the main street and let them march.
“There are hundreds of these wacko’s out there.” The police chief told us. “If we try to stop them from picketing all hell will break loose.”
The people have had enough of the tall hat cult and they have been banned from most business’s including the public bus system, which is what set off the first riots last summer.
The city bus line refused to allow tall hats to ride the bus unless they removed their hats after one of them caused an accident when his hat pinned the drivers face to the windshield while the tall hat cultist was taking his seat.
“This is ridiculous.” Transit chief William Brown said. “These tall hat cultists,. all they are is a bunch of nut jobs who want attention and to cause trouble. They should all be run out-of-town.”

The city bus line has banned the tall hats from their buses after one of them caused an accident with his hat.

For now the tall hat cult is keeping this latest round of civil unrest at an acceptable level, but the police are keeping a close watch on them and it has been rumored that several undercover officers have infiltrated the cult.
As always, The National Reporter will keep our readers up to date on this and other story’s as they develop.

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