After seven month man hunt, FBI nabs notorious feces flinger

The National Reporter
For seven months the FBI has been conducting a nationwide search for the notorious feces flinger, a vile criminal who has been plaguing some of Hollywood biggest celebrities via the parcel post system.
The feces flinger sent packages containing a nasty surprise to such noted celebrities as Jay Leno,Jon Bon Jovi, Conan O’Brien and Matthew Perry.

"He got it worse than me" "No,..you got it worse."

“For the past seven months, the feces flinger harassed some of Hollywood’s most famous personality’s” regional FBI director Harold Effington told us.
“His M.O. was sending a package containing human waste to celebritys. When they opened the package, a spring loaded platform in the box would discharge a few pounds of excrement into their faces. The result was disgusting and traumatic.”
The National Reporter That is quite diabolical. Is the suspect a criminal genius or just a clever prankster?
“He’s just some punk kid with too much time on his hands, that’s all.”

The National Reporter went to the home of Jay Leno for an exclusive interview.
The National Reporter Mr. Leno,..we understand you have been victimized by the notorious feces flinger. Can you tell us what happened?
“It began about four months ago in June.” he said “I received a package at my front door from an unidentified person. The name on the package was ‘Felice Flingaur’ as I recall.
I had no idea what was inside since I had not ordered anything.
I opened the package not suspecting anything was going to happen.
As soon as I cut through the tape, WHAM!!!
I was plastered with a huge wad of mushy gooey substance full in the face.
An instant later the stink filled my nostrils and I knew what it was.
I could’t believe it, I was absolutely grossed out.
I ran blindly for the bathroom gagging and vomiting all the way.
When I reached the shower I turned it on full blast and washed the disgusting mess from my face.”
The National Reporter It must have been awful.

Why me?

“You can say that again. I was sick to my stomach for hours after the attack. I had to hire a special clean up crew to take care of the mess while I stayed at a friends house.”
The National Reporter How do you feel now that the culprit has been apprehended?
“I hope they put him away for a long time.”

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New riot control weapon in police arsonal

Riot police show off their new riot control weapons

The National Reporter
Police departments around the globe are praising a new weapon that is guaranteed to fend off rowdy rioters without the use of deadly force.
The simple device is the latest invention in Smith&Wesson’s long line of law enforcement oriented products.
“What we did is very simple.”Smith&Wesson chief of development told us. “We took a piece of wood that we use to make standard sized batons and instead of cutting it down, we left it at twice its normal size. Then we skewered a sizable wad of dog feces on the end and viola,.. a new non leathal riot control weapon was born!”
The National Reporter – This is remarkable, and from what we have heard it is completely safe and causes no ill effects.
“That’s absolutly true, it is already in use by several police agencys and they have given it the thumbs up across the board.”

A rioter being sub-dood by police using the new non lethal weapon.

The new device couldn’t have come at a better time as more and more frequent food shortages and failing economys around the world are causing a backlash against those who are responsible.
“If the People are going to rise up against the government, the government has to keep them under control.” Attorney General Eric Holder said. “This new anti riot device not only works very well to silence rioters, its very design also speaks very well for the way the government treats the people who elected us.”

Take that you rioter! You are now a marked man!

So far the new device has led to the break up of several riots around the world and the people are being sub-dood and forced back into submission.
The government is very pleased with the new device and plans to incorporate it into everyday use such as hall monitoring in public schools and to make sure the thriving shopping mall industry is safe and secure from shop lifters.

Supply line stands ready for the riot to begin.

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