After seven month man hunt, FBI nabs notorious feces flinger

The National Reporter
For seven months the FBI has been conducting a nationwide search for the notorious feces flinger, a vile criminal who has been plaguing some of Hollywood biggest celebrities via the parcel post system.
The feces flinger sent packages containing a nasty surprise to such noted celebrities as Jay Leno,Jon Bon Jovi, Conan O’Brien and Matthew Perry.

"He got it worse than me" "No,..you got it worse."

“For the past seven months, the feces flinger harassed some of Hollywood’s most famous personality’s” regional FBI director Harold Effington told us.
“His M.O. was sending a package containing human waste to celebritys. When they opened the package, a spring loaded platform in the box would discharge a few pounds of excrement into their faces. The result was disgusting and traumatic.”
The National Reporter That is quite diabolical. Is the suspect a criminal genius or just a clever prankster?
“He’s just some punk kid with too much time on his hands, that’s all.”

The National Reporter went to the home of Jay Leno for an exclusive interview.
The National Reporter Mr. Leno,..we understand you have been victimized by the notorious feces flinger. Can you tell us what happened?
“It began about four months ago in June.” he said “I received a package at my front door from an unidentified person. The name on the package was ‘Felice Flingaur’ as I recall.
I had no idea what was inside since I had not ordered anything.
I opened the package not suspecting anything was going to happen.
As soon as I cut through the tape, WHAM!!!
I was plastered with a huge wad of mushy gooey substance full in the face.
An instant later the stink filled my nostrils and I knew what it was.
I could’t believe it, I was absolutely grossed out.
I ran blindly for the bathroom gagging and vomiting all the way.
When I reached the shower I turned it on full blast and washed the disgusting mess from my face.”
The National Reporter It must have been awful.

Why me?

“You can say that again. I was sick to my stomach for hours after the attack. I had to hire a special clean up crew to take care of the mess while I stayed at a friends house.”
The National Reporter How do you feel now that the culprit has been apprehended?
“I hope they put him away for a long time.”

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Man who grew flower with huge eye ball now has a South American feces tree in his front yard!

Barry Lundgartens fabulous South American fece’s tree is annoying the neighbors.

The National Reporter
Harry Lundgarten, the man who wowed the judges at the international flower show two years ago with his amazing eyeball flower, is once again striving for the unique and unusual with his incredible South American fece’s tree.
“I got this beauty last summer when it was still a seedling, look how big it got since then!”
The tree had grown from a four-foot seedling into a full blooming thirty foot tall monster in his front yard.
“He has some nerve growing that disgusting thing in his front yard like that.” Angry neighbor Jim Gummly said.
“That is no ordinary tree.” He grunted. “For Gods sake, it drops poop all over the place and it stinks to high heaven!”
Actually it doesn’t really drop poop, it drops thick brown globs of sap during the spring that resembles human feces because of the color, shape and pungent odor.
People walking past the tree should be careful or they may end up with a wad on their heads as the tree seems to lie in wait for a victim.

“The big tree made a stinky poo poo on me.” Cindy Johnson told us.

“Two years ago Harry became the town hero when he won first prize at the international flower show with his weird flowers with the eye balls.” Mary Timms told us.

Harrys bizzare award winning eye ball flower

I see you!

“Back then we all admired him even though his flowers gave everyone the creeps. The damned eye ball followed you everywhere.” Mary told us. “At least they didn’t stink the whole town up like this damned tree.”
Kathelene Waters was steaming mad when The National Reporter went to her house to get her opinion on the tree.
“I parked my car in front of the tree for five minutes while I was running an errand for a friend, and look what the damned thing did!”

Kathelen Waters car was covered with the repugnant sap from the feces tree in a matter of minutes.

“Harry better do something about that damned tree.” she said “Or one day he’s going to wake up and find a stump on his front lawn.”

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Giant woman arrested after restaurant melee

Amanda Berkly is seen here on security footage entering the restroom area

The National Reporter
Amanda Berkly who suffers from a rare condition known as giganticus was arrested last week after she had caused a disturbance at Jack and Earls restaurant in East Philly P.A.
Miss Berkly, who stands 8′ 6″ entered the restaurant at around 8:00pm and made her way to the  restroom.
“Usually the restrooms are for paying customers, but we don’t stop anyone from using them if it is an emergency.”  manager Todd Brown told us.
Miss Berkly huffed and puffed as she hobbled to the restroom on her crutches, she can barely walk because of the gross disfiguration in her legs and it takes her quite awhile to get from one place to another.
She had drawn considerable attention from the patrons as one would expect and most of them were watching the giant woman as she hobbled along.
Once she was inside the restroom, things went back to normal with the sounds of silverware clattering, glasses clinking and people talking.
Ten minutes later the restroom door swung open and Miss Berkly exited in a hurry.
Her face was red and she trained her eyes on the floor in front of her as she struggled along on her crutches seemingly faster than when she went in.
“I thought that was kind of odd.” Todd Brown said. “Typically a person is in a hurry to get to the restroom, not the other way around.”
When she was about halfway to the exit, a woman was heard screaming from the lady’s room and everyone in the restaurant became silent.
“Oh my God!!! What the hell is that in the toilet!!”
Miss Berkly was the only person in the room who didn’t turn around when the woman screamed and she seemed to hasten her way towards the door.
Todd Brown and a few waiters ran to the restroom and what they saw inside shocked them.
It was a solid human fece’s that looked like it was around three feet long and weighing around 30 to 40 pounds hanging halfway out of the toilet.
It was a fece’s specimen that only a giant could produce.

The fece's specimen was around 3 feet long and hanging put of the toilet.

“Stop that woman!” the manager yelled. Immediately several employees blocked the exit, trapping Miss Berkly in the restaurant.
She tried to turn direction and head for the door on the far side of the room, but the employees were too fast for her.
“I approached Miss Berkly and tried to be as discreet as possible so as to not humiliate her any further.”  Todd Brown told us. “I was trying to be as nice about it as I could and I told her that she had to take care of the little problem she left in the lady’s room.  I informed her that we will give her a stick to break up the huge,..thing,..you know what I mean?   That’s when the trouble started and she flipped out on us.   She started swinging her crutches around knocking over chairs and tables breaking glasses and everything.  The customers were screaming and running out of the building.
We tried to restrain her but because of her size she was throwing off my people like they were little kids. I never saw anything like it.

The aftermath of Miss Berklys rampage.

Within minutes after her rampage began the police arrived and she was subdued with the employment of several taser guns.
“After she was handcuffed and raised to her feet, I went into the lady’s room to investigate the cause of the whole ruckus.”  Sgt. Jeremy Runyon said. “I never saw a turd that big and I have been to the Philly zoo hundreds of times.  That thing just didn’t look like it came from a human.”
Miss berkly was shouting obscenities at the news reporters as she was led out to the police car.
“Yeah? Bite me, yah friggin’ pip squeaks!” She snarled. “I’ll dump a whopper on yer heads like I did in there.”
Miss Berkly is being held in the city jail on 50 thousand dollar bond.
So far no one has bailed her out.

Miss Berkly is seen here taunting news reporters with threats and insults.

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