After seven month man hunt, FBI nabs notorious feces flinger

The National Reporter
For seven months the FBI has been conducting a nationwide search for the notorious feces flinger, a vile criminal who has been plaguing some of Hollywood biggest celebrities via the parcel post system.
The feces flinger sent packages containing a nasty surprise to such noted celebrities as Jay Leno,Jon Bon Jovi, Conan O’Brien and Matthew Perry.

"He got it worse than me" "No,..you got it worse."

“For the past seven months, the feces flinger harassed some of Hollywood’s most famous personality’s” regional FBI director Harold Effington told us.
“His M.O. was sending a package containing human waste to celebritys. When they opened the package, a spring loaded platform in the box would discharge a few pounds of excrement into their faces. The result was disgusting and traumatic.”
The National Reporter That is quite diabolical. Is the suspect a criminal genius or just a clever prankster?
“He’s just some punk kid with too much time on his hands, that’s all.”

The National Reporter went to the home of Jay Leno for an exclusive interview.
The National Reporter Mr. Leno,..we understand you have been victimized by the notorious feces flinger. Can you tell us what happened?
“It began about four months ago in June.” he said “I received a package at my front door from an unidentified person. The name on the package was ‘Felice Flingaur’ as I recall.
I had no idea what was inside since I had not ordered anything.
I opened the package not suspecting anything was going to happen.
As soon as I cut through the tape, WHAM!!!
I was plastered with a huge wad of mushy gooey substance full in the face.
An instant later the stink filled my nostrils and I knew what it was.
I could’t believe it, I was absolutely grossed out.
I ran blindly for the bathroom gagging and vomiting all the way.
When I reached the shower I turned it on full blast and washed the disgusting mess from my face.”
The National Reporter It must have been awful.

Why me?

“You can say that again. I was sick to my stomach for hours after the attack. I had to hire a special clean up crew to take care of the mess while I stayed at a friends house.”
The National Reporter How do you feel now that the culprit has been apprehended?
“I hope they put him away for a long time.”

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Gang that plants drugs on innocent people busted!

Members of the notorious wedgie gang are seen here being led into court to be indicted.

The National Reporter
How many times have you watched a television police show and seen someone getting stopped for having drugs in their car?
And how many times have they said something similar to this in their defense?
“But officer, when I was stopped for the traffic light down the street a bunch of guys came up to my car and asked me for directions. They must have tossed those bags of crack in my car,..and that gun too!”
“Sure they did,” the smiling cop says. “Now get on the ground,..STOP RESISTING, STOP RESISTING! TAZER TAZER!!”
ZaaaaAAAAPPP!!!! LOL!

Last week after a five year investigation into gang activity, the FBI arrested several members of a street gang known as the Wedgies.
They call themselves the Wedgies because of their bizarre gang requirement of wearing women’s thong panties tightly drawn up between the cheeks of their buttocks, commonly known as a wedgie.
“We had noticed that quite a few people who were being arrested for drug possession in their cars were claiming in their defense that gangsters had tossed drugs, guns and stolen property into their cars while they were stopped at traffic lights.”Special agent Trent Lockwell told The National Reporter.
“We then conducted an investigation that took almost five years to complete and what we discovered was quite shocking.
This gang of thugs who call themselves the Wedgies would lie in wait for an innocent motorist to stop at a traffic light.
As soon as they had a victim in their sights, they would approach him or her and ask for directions, which is kind of suspicious to begin with.
Being that they were on foot it would seem obvious that they were in their own neighborhood, so why would they be asking people for directions?”
The National Reporter Yes, that does seem a bit odd.
“When they had the persons attention one of the gang members would sneak around to the other side of the car and toss in drugs, guns or something they had stolen in a burglary like a DVD player or a camera. They would make sure that the stolen item had a serial number on it and that the victim had reported it stolen prior to them planting it.
This way the unsuspecting person whose car they tossed it in will be charged with possession of stolen property and perhaps even the burglary.”
The National Reporter Do yu have any idea why they did this?
“Sure, they were bored.”

Members of the Wedgie street gang being arrested during the FBI sweep.


These Wedgies aren’t acting so tough now with their women’s thong panties wedged up their rear ends.
They are on their way to jail for a very long time.

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Mysterious electronic implant discovered in mans tooth

Bizarre implant was discovered during routine dental exam.

The National Reporter
Wally Hanson, a sixty-seven year old retired police officer from Albany New York, got an unexpected surprize last week.
While visiting his dentist for a routine check up, a mysterious metallic object was discovered in his tooth.
“It’s weird as hell.”  He said.  “It’s a tiny electronic implant of some sort.  I have no idea how the hell it got there.  It wasn’t there the last time I had my teeth X-rayed a year ago.”
His dentist, Dr. Fred Wallington had this to say.
“I never saw anything like this.  There is no opening anywhere near the implant. No scarring or filling, it’s like it just grew there.”

There are no markings to indicate how the strange electronic implant was placed into the tooth.

Mr. Hanson contacted the FBI about his mysterious implant the day after it was discovered and they were very interested in finding out what it was.
He was immediately flown to Washington DC to under go some extensive tests.
Dr. Bernard of the FBI’s forensic medical investigations unit conducted several tests on the object and concluded that it was a transmitter of some sort and that  not only was it transmitting a  very high frequency signal,  it was also receiving an incoming signal.
What that incoming signal is and how it is effecting Mr. Hanson is a mystery.
“It doesn’t seem to be having any kind of effect on Mr. Hanson.” Dr. Bernard told us. “But we do know that every time it transmits, a few seconds later a signal is returned to the device.”
The National Reporter – How often does the implant send out signals?
“We’re not sure, but it seems to be at least four times a day. They are very short and easy to miss, so there may be more.  Some of them only last for a hundredth of a second, but despite the short transmission time, there is a lot of information being exchanged.”
The National Reporter – Do you have any idea who or what put the implant in Mr. Hanson’s tooth?
“Not yet, but it can be anything from some kind of marketing device placed in there by a corporation or a foreign government using it to spy on us. And we aren’t counting out extra terrestrial’s either.”
The National Reporter – Do you have any idea’s what the signals are saying?
“They are in some kind of code, but it isn’t the usual binary code.  This is weird, it’s in some sort of quad code.  So far we haven’t been able to make heads or tails out of it.”
The National Reporter – Have you tried to remove it?
“Yes, and when we did the implant immediately lost power and shut down.  Apparently it is rigged to disable itself if the tooth is removed, so we have to study it while it is in Mr. Hanson’s mouth.”

The FBI has still not been able to decipher the code or locate the origin of the implant.
They have informed The National Reporter they we would be notified when they have learned more about it.
Until then, we will just have to wait.

Breaking news flash!!

Click this link—Mystery of the electronic tooth implant has been solved!

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