Blackbeards parrot still alive and talking 292 years after the famed pirates death

Pepe, the 306 year old pet parrot of famed pirate Blackbeard.

The National Reporter
Pepe the parrot, Blackbeard’s companion during his famous exploits on the high seas, is still alive and talking up a storm 292 years after Blackbeard’s death and what he has to say has historians in an up roar.
It was previously believed that Blackbeard was killed during a battle with sailors sent to kill him on orders from Virginas governor, Alexander Spotswood.
But according to Pepe the parrot, this story is not true.
Black beard the pirate was killed in a fight with his life long nemesis, Popette.

Popette the sailing man, Blackbeard's arch nemesis and according to Pepe, the man who killed the famous pirate.

Pepe explained to a crowded room at MIT that the long-standing feud between Blackbeard and Popette began when they were in their early twenties.
They both had a crush on the daughter of Eliza McMurryweather, the local businessman who had made a fortune in the importing business in particular the olive oil trade which was very lucrative in the days preceding the discovery of crude oil.
Olive oil was prefered over whale oil because it was only a fraction of the price and had more uses.
Pepe told the audience that it was during their very first fist fight that Blackbeard suffered an injury that would cause him a great deal of pain for the rest of his life.
He had broken the big toe on his left foot and he foolishly let it go untreated.
As a result, the toe became permanently discolored dark blue.
Popette would mock him when ever their paths crossed by calling him, ‘Blue toe.”

Teresa McMurryweather the daughter of olive oil importer Eliza McMurryweather was the apple of both Blackbeard's and Popette's eye.

When they were in their early thirtys they ran into each other in a saloon in Haiti and immediately got into a brutal fist fight that lasted for nearly an hour.
During the scuffle, Blackbeard stabbed Popette in the face with a dagger which resulted in the loss of his eye.
Because of the persistent pain in his eye socket, Popette began ingesting large quanitys of marijuana .
After years of abusing the drug he developed a drug induced psychosis that made him believe that the marijuana had the ability to give him super strength and added to that the constant exposure to the harsh resins, his vocal chords became severely damaged resulting in his well-known gravely voice.

Blackbeard the pirate, also known as Blue toe because of the discolored big toe he acquired during a fistfight with Popette the sailing man.

Because of his advanced age, Pepe was only able to speak for a short time.
He was returned to his room by his nursing staff and is expected to continue his speaking tour in a few days.
The National Reporter will be on hand when he does.

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Remarkable new strain of marijuana increases intelligence

John Farly is seen here holding his miraculous marijuana

The National Reporter
A Newton Massachusetts man has developed a new type of marijuana that he claims has the power to enhance the intelligence of anyone who smokes it.
John Farly announced his amazing new discovery last summer at the state science fair in Boston.
So far all of his test subjects claim that they have experienced an increase in intelligence after smoking the marijuana.
State drug control officers are keeping a close watch on Mr. Farly in case they decide to arrest him for violating Mass. drug laws.
“I don’t understand why they would want to arrest me.”Mr.Farly told us. “This is a good thing, not a bad thing.”

One of his test subjects, Carlos Beninto, invented and constructed a pair of makeshift wings while he was under going an intelligence boost with the help of John Farlys marijuana.
“I can’t believe how much this marijuana increased my intelligence.” He said “I invented, designed and built the wings within a half hour after smoking Johns amazing new marijuana.”

Carlos Beninto seen here wearing his fantastic flying wings.

John Farly has tried to obtain a U.S. patent for his new strain of marijuana several times, but his request has been turned down on the grounds that it violates U.S. drug laws.
The National Reporter went with Mr. Farly to district court last week to sit in on one of his appeals.
We were surprised when he showed up at the courthouse wearing what he calls his costume of defiance.
“I am wearing this to show my contempt for the government’s refusal to understand the importance of my new marijuana.” He explained. “If they don’t want to deal with John Farly then they can deal with Mr. Greenbean.”

John Farly is seen here entering district court disguised as his alter ego, Mr. Greenbean.

The National Reporter went into the court room with Mr. Farly and as soon as the judge saw him dressed up as Mr.Greenbean he let out a long muffled moan, removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes.
“Good morning Mr. Farly.” He groaned. “I see we are going to be Mr.Greenbean again today.”
“Mr.Farly? Who is Mr.Farly? I am Mr. Greenbean.” He answered, with a grin.
I could hear people around me in the crowded courtroom whispering, “It’s that pot guy again.”
Others were laughing and taking pictures of him with their cell phones.
John Farly ignored all the comments and the flashing cell phones and remained focused on his case.
As soon as the court officer announced that court was now in session, the judge called Mr. Farly to the bench.
He whispered someting to him, I couldn’t hear what it was.
A second later two baliffs walked over to Mr. Farly and escorted him out of the courtroom.
This reporter met up with him outside.
The National Reporter– What happed Mr. Farl,..I mean Mr. Greenbean?
“The judge said that he wouldn’t allow me to present my case as long as I was being Mr. Greenbean.”
The National Reporter– Well that doesn’t seem fair.
“You’re damned right it isn’t fair.” He said. “There isn’t anything in the constitution that says you can’t wear a costume to court.”
The National Reporter– I believe you are right, Mr. Greenbean. What are you going to do now?
“Well, being that they recognise me as Mr. Greenbean, my next move calls for a different disguise.” He said. “Perhaps I can get their attention wearing my Mr. potatohead costume.
The National Reporter– Good idea, I am sure that will catch their attention.
“Yes,..Mr. Potatoehead,…just what the doctor ordered.” He said.
After that he just sort of floated off and disapeared down the street talking to himself.

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NASA tests young inventors rescue device

This tiny rocket engine can save the lives of astronauts

The National Reporter
An Ohio inventor approached NASA officials two years ago with a device he had invented claiming that it could save the lives of astronauts who found themselves unable to return to their space craft after their tether cord broke.
This nightmarish scenario has been a major worry to NASA since the first astronaut walked in space nearly fifty years ago.
But now thanks to this young inventor, that nightmare may be a thing of the past.
27 year old Wooster Ohio resident George Dewey came up with the ingenious idea of utilizing methane gas produced in the human digestive tract as fuel to power his tiny rocket engine which would propel the astronaut back to his space craft safe and sound.
The National Reporter went to Wooster Ohio to get an exclusive interview with George Dewey.
The National Reporter Congratulations on you invention Mr.Dewey.
“Thank you, I hope it saves someones life someday.”
The National Reporter – Can you tell us exactly how your invention operates in layman’s terms so that we can share it with our readers?
“I would be happy to” He said. “It’s really quite simple. The intake tube is inserted into the astronauts rectum via a small zippered portal in his space suit. Once it is firmly in place, the astronaut presses the green button on the control pad which is located on the back of his glove. This unleashes a capsule into his helmet that he takes orally.”
The National Reporter – What are the ingredients of this capsule?
“The capsule contains concentrated indigestible sugars. Once it has been swallowed it promote the formation of large quantities of intestinal gas within a matter of minutes. The gas that this particular type of sugar produces is naturally rich in highly flammable methane.”
The National Reporter – Yes, I am familiar with this particular gaseous compound. I have seen quite a few young people experimenting with its flammable property’s on internet video sites such as youtube.
“Exactly.” He said. “unfortunately a lot of these young scientists have been careless with their experiments and have needlessly suffered nasty burns and even caused occasional property damage. I urge everyone reading this to take extreme caution when you are conducting experiments with this gas. This can be extremely hazardous and it is nothing to play around with.
Any kind of testing with this gas that involves lighting it should only be conducted by qualified rocket scientists.”

The National Reporter urges all of our readers to take George Deweys advice if you are contemplating any type of experimenting with this gas.

The National Reporter – Once the astronaut takes the capsule and the gas is being produced, what happens next?
“The gas is then transferred through the plastic insertion tube to the compression tank on the side of the engine. While it is being filled, a small LED gauge on the astronauts visor tells him when it ready to fire. He can then rotate himself just like his space crafts retro rockets are able to rotate and position the craft. Once he is in the right position, he simply fires the rocket and it takes him home to his ship.
The National Reporter – That is incredible.
“Not really, it’s just science.” George said.
The National Reporter – How did you feel when you got the call from NASA informing you that they had tested your rocket and that it had performed perfectly?
“I was speechless.” He said. “It was completely unexpected. I presented them with the engine two years ago but they never contacted me.
Then out of the blue I got the phone call and they told me my engine was tested in orbit and that it worked very well. A few hours later they faxed a photograph over to me showing the astronaut using my engine. This has all been quite thrilling for me and my family.”

Astronaut Jim Barns is seen here testing George Deweys methane powered rescue rocket.

The National Reporter too bad we can’t get a photograph of the engine. I am sure our readers would really like to see what it looks like.
“No problem.” George said. “I just happen to have the prototype right here.”
He walked over to his dresser and pulled open the top drawer, he removed the prototype and pulled it up his legs until the rocket engine was positioned directly over his gas port.
“What do you think?” He asked. “Do you think your readers would want one?”
The National Reporter -Only if they are going into outer space,..Ha,ha!
“Ha,ha,..Yeah, probably.” He said.

George Dewey is seen here wearing the prototype of his methane powered rescue rocket.

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Sleazy tabloid plagiarizes story from The National Reporter!

The Global Tabloids Feb. 10, 2010 is out right theft of The National Reporter's Dec. 7th, 2009 article.

The National Reporter

The lowlife sleazy scum who run The Global Tabloid have once again shown their inability and unwillingness to report the truth with the same honesty and integrity as the dedicated men and women at The National Reporter who work tirelessly to bring our readers the truth.
They have plagiarized our exclusive story about the very first authentic photograph taken of legendary Jersey devil that The National Reporter showed to the world on December 7th, 2009. two months prior to The Global Tabloids theft of our story.

Read the original Story here.
The Jersey devil captured on film!

As soon as The Global Tabloid’s rag hit the stands this morning, our readers began swamping our phones with complaints.
Many of them are experienced lawyers who have offered to sue The Global Tabloid for plagiarism on our behalf, but we had to decline their generous offer.
The National Reporter has a legal staff who are experts on plagiarism cases.
What upset us is the fact that so many people are going to buy The Global tabloid and believe that they were the first news service to break the story.
What really made us angry was the bogus images they used which we will examine right now.

In the first photo which was also used on the cover, we see what is supposed to be the Jersey devil standing in front of an old abandoned house in the woods.
This looks nothing at all like the real Jersey devil, which of course can be proven very easily by comparing it to the genuine photograph taken by Dave Morrison.
Anyone can see that this is an actor wearing a pair of phony bat wings.

Cover photo. Anyone can see that this is obviously an actor.

In the second photograph we see the same actor standing behind a fence in a menacing stance.
This is the photograph that necessitated the disclaimer on the front page warning the readers that it was so frightening that viewing it can make them to throw up.

According to the Global Tabloid's warning, this image is so scary that it can make you throw up.

After close examination of these photographs The National Reporter has concluded without a shadow of a doubt that they are not the Jersey devil, they are fake.
With that in mind, the public has to come to the realisation that there are unscrupulous news agencys out there who will lie, plagiarize and fabricate ridiculous storys for their own selfish reasons.
They don’t care if their storys cause the public to panic, that is not their concern.
Their only concern is how much money they can squeeze out of John Q. Public.
And it isn’t just the seedy news reporters who make this junk up, there are also the every day ordinary people who get involved with them to make money as well.
We decided to track down the actor who played the Jersey devil for The Global Tabloid to find out who he is and why he sold out to that sleeze rag.
It didn’t take us very long thanks to The National Reporters face identification machine.
We scanned the face of the actor in the fake Jersey devil images and within a few minutes the owner of said face was identified.
It was none other than former Happy days star, Henry Winkler.
According to people who know him, this is just the sort of thing that he would do.
Apparently he thought lying to millions of people and helping a sleazy paper like the Global Tabloid would be a fun way to spend his weekend.

Aaaaaayyyy,... the fonz had fun making a few bucks fooling all you idiots who read The Global Tabloid!

And now to show our readers what real reporting is all about, we have for you an exclusive photograph taken by an army private stationed at Fort Dix NJ, which is located inside the pine barrens.
There are only two genuine photographs of the Jersey devil in existance and The National Reporter has been given exclusive rights to both of them.
Don’t fall for any sleazy tabloid who says they have photographs of the Jersey devil.

Photograph of the Jersey devil hiding in the ruins of an old house inside of the pine barrens. This photograph was taken by an Army private from nearby Fort Dix who wishes to remain anonymous.

Fort Dix Army private who took the photograph seen here stealing a television set from recreation hall. His face has been blacked out to protect his identity.

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Exclusive National Reporter Exposé. Giant skeleton is a fraud!

Huge skeleton uncovered in Northern India is a fake.

The National Reporter
In 2007 a story circulated the internet claiming that a massive skeleton was unearthed in northern India.
Kedar, a writer for the The Eastern Horizon first exposed this shameful hoax when it began circulating the internet.
Being that The National Reporter is always looking for the truth and determined to expose false reporting, we were also sceptical of the story and decided after three years to get the whole story behind this hoax.
What we discovered came as no surprise to us and we are certain it will be no surprise to our readers.
The giant skeleton is a fake, it is made out of wood.
We uncovered the truth about the giant skeleton and the motive behind its creation within hours after we arrived in northern India.

It all began in early 2006 when the Brahma lumber mill burned to the ground.
The business was not insured, so the owner Artimus Punjab had to come up with some quick cash to rebuild his company.
He was told by a shady local character known as “Bunti, the slimey one” that the tabloids are always looking for ridiculously fake storys to sell to their readers who they consider stupid and retarded.
Artimus then arranged a meeting with “Ungus Frungus, a notorious liar from the nearby village and together they forged the story about finding a giant human skeleton.
All they had to do was manufacture the skeleton, plant it in the ground and then pretend that it had been discovered in an archeological excavation after which they would sell the story and photographs to the shady tabloids and make thousands of dollars.

Brahma lumber mill going up in flames in 2006

Artimus and Ungus went to work on the giant skeleton in what remained of the Brahma lumber mill.
After a full month of tireless carving and cutting, they had finished the skeleton and were ready to sneak it across the country side to a pre-determined location.
Once their giant wooden skeleton was in place, they contacted the shady tabloids and cut a lucrative deal with them to defraud the public with their bogus story.

Artimus Punjab and Ungus Frungus are seen here fashioning a leg bone for the giant skeleton in the ruins of the Brahma lumber mill.

The completed skeleton prior to being taken to the fake archeological dig.

Artimus Punjab is seen here (center; standing on lumber wearing the hat) with his gang of co-conspirators in the process of placing the fake wooden skeleton in the hole.

Artimus and Ungus met with the tabloid’s head fake story scout Slick Weasleman in a dark bar that is located in Bombay’s seedy underbelly, a bar where no decent person would dare to venture.
It was here that they were introduced to the evil side of news reporting that only the tabloids could manifest with their twisted and warped sense of reporting where lies are sold as the truth and reporting the news has been reduced to scamming the public with filthy lies just to make a quick buck.
Slick Weasleman liked the story that the two liars had conjured up.
“He,he,..this is just the kind of crap that the stupid retards who read our garbage tabloids love to eat up.” He cackled. His beady eyes darted about the sleazy bar as he chomped on his cheap cigar.
Everything about him was despicable.
His cheap suit, his cheap cigars. Even his cheap after shave smelled sneaky and underhanded.
There can be no doubt that Slick Weasleman was a scoundrel through and through and it was his foul demeanor that landed him his job at the tabloids.

Slick Weasleman, the sneaky con artist from the tabloids who helped Artimus and Ungus lie to the world.

Once the deal was made, Slick Weasleman transferred ten thousand dollars to Artimus for his story and the lie began circulating across the globe within days.
Millions of people believed the story as it made it’s rounds through the internet, that is until it came to the attention of intelligent people such as Kedar of the Eastern Horizon who first came to the realisation that the story was a hoax.
When the hoax was discovered and proven, Artimus and Ungus disappeared into the woods and haven’t been heard from since.
The Indian government has confiscated the dirty money they got from the tabloids and have threatened to sue them for aiding in the lie.
“Who,.. us?” A tabloid president said. “We ain’t got nothing to do with it, see. Go on, try and pin it on us. I dare ya, see. Yeah,.. go ahead, you got nothing on us.”
The tabloids had no further comment.

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Encrypted monument carbon dated at 65 million years old unearthed in Belize.

Bizarre monument was unearthed 75 miles west of Belize city.

The National Reporter
A team of archeologists searching for remnants of the meteor that struck the Earth 65 million years ago that is theorised to be responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs, uncovered a bizarre granite monument last week 75 miles west of Belize city.
The huge stone monument, which is made of a type of granite that is not indigenous to South America, has symbols engraved on it that has left scientists completely baffled.
High resolution photographs of the strange markings have been sent to several linguistic labs around the world in the hope that someone might be able to decipher them. 

Archeologists examining the 65 million year old stone monument that they had unearthed.

“What we have found is very strange.” Said Professor Williams of Caltech. “Aside from the strange markings, the stone monument is right on top of the K-T boundary which would indicate that it was placed here immediately after the meteor struck the Earth.”
The National Reporter – So, what you are saying is that there may have been humans around at the time?
“What I am saying is that there was some sort of intelligent beings around who survived the meteor strike, this monument is proof of it. ” he said. “Whether or not they were human is the puzzling part of this since the human race didn’t come into existence until millions of years after the event.”
The National Reporter – What about an alien life form?
“There is that possibility, it would be foolish to rule it out.” He said. “When we decode the markings we should have a better idea who placed this here and what it means.”
The National Reporter was personally invited to go down into the dig by the team to get exclusive photographs of the monument and the strange writing. 

Close up view of the monuments strange markings

“We trust the The National Reporter for your integrity and for reporting the real story, unlike the tabloids who make things up.” Team member Sally Wostan said. “If they ever got a hold of this story before The National Reporter had a chance to inform the public with the truth, heaven only knows what sort of silliness they would fill their heads with.”
The National Reporter has been granted exclusive rights by the team to report any developments in the mystery surrounding this strange find and we will keep our readers updated on all these findings as they unfold. 
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