After seven month man hunt, FBI nabs notorious feces flinger

The National Reporter
For seven months the FBI has been conducting a nationwide search for the notorious feces flinger, a vile criminal who has been plaguing some of Hollywood biggest celebrities via the parcel post system.
The feces flinger sent packages containing a nasty surprise to such noted celebrities as Jay Leno,Jon Bon Jovi, Conan O’Brien and Matthew Perry.

"He got it worse than me" "No, got it worse."

“For the past seven months, the feces flinger harassed some of Hollywood’s most famous personality’s” regional FBI director Harold Effington told us.
“His M.O. was sending a package containing human waste to celebritys. When they opened the package, a spring loaded platform in the box would discharge a few pounds of excrement into their faces. The result was disgusting and traumatic.”
The National Reporter That is quite diabolical. Is the suspect a criminal genius or just a clever prankster?
“He’s just some punk kid with too much time on his hands, that’s all.”

The National Reporter went to the home of Jay Leno for an exclusive interview.
The National Reporter Mr. Leno,..we understand you have been victimized by the notorious feces flinger. Can you tell us what happened?
“It began about four months ago in June.” he said “I received a package at my front door from an unidentified person. The name on the package was ‘Felice Flingaur’ as I recall.
I had no idea what was inside since I had not ordered anything.
I opened the package not suspecting anything was going to happen.
As soon as I cut through the tape, WHAM!!!
I was plastered with a huge wad of mushy gooey substance full in the face.
An instant later the stink filled my nostrils and I knew what it was.
I could’t believe it, I was absolutely grossed out.
I ran blindly for the bathroom gagging and vomiting all the way.
When I reached the shower I turned it on full blast and washed the disgusting mess from my face.”
The National Reporter It must have been awful.

Why me?

“You can say that again. I was sick to my stomach for hours after the attack. I had to hire a special clean up crew to take care of the mess while I stayed at a friends house.”
The National Reporter How do you feel now that the culprit has been apprehended?
“I hope they put him away for a long time.”

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