Wisconsin man demands his right to be a cow
January 15, 2010 6 Comments
The National Reporter
22-year-old Wisconsin resident Dwight Haskel has been standing his ground against local lawmakers in defiance to their recent ruling regarding his trans-species rights case.
“Don’t care if he dresses up like a cow, don’t care if he acts like a cow and don’t care if he thinks he is a cow, he’s not a damned cow and that is all there is too it, damn it all!” district court judge Thomas Wallace said. “Dwight Haskel’s lawyers have wasted enough of this courts time, he’s off his nut and he should be carted away to the rubber room!”
Dwight Haskel’s legal battle began last summer when Fitchburg police were called to investigate a trespassing complaint at Thomas Dooley’s farm.
When they arrived they were directed to the pasture where they found Dwight Haskel dressed in a cow costume grazing next to some of Mr. Dooleys cows.
When they approached the man, he ran off.
They chased him for quite a distance until they caught him.
“When we tackled him to the ground he started mooing and kicking his feet just like a cow in the rodeo when they get tied up by the cowboys.” Officer Shanks told us.
After he was arrested, Dwight called the ACLU and they agreed to help him with his trans-species rights case.
The ACLU have won Dwight the right to graze with the other cows on Dooleys farm until a final judgment is made in his case, which naturally has Thomas Dooley hopping mad.
“This is ridiculous!” Mr. Dooley said. “The guy is a nut case and he is scaring my live stock. I should get out my shot gun and fill his rump with a load of buck shot!”
The National Reporter – How has his presence affected your cows?
“Every morning when that nut job shows up they get all edgy and nervous like they are afraid of him for some reason.”
The National Reporter – What could he be doing that is making them nervous?
“That’s what I was wondering.” Mr. Dooley said. “I wanted to find out what was going on, so I hid in a stack of hay bails with my Polaroid camera ready.”
The National Reporter – Did you photograph him doing anything to the cows?
“I sure did and I got the picture right here.” He said, holding up a Polaroid photograph.
“The National Reporter can have this picture, I got plenty of copies ready for court.” he said.
When this reporter looked at the image I can honestly say I was not surprised at all that Dwights desire to be a cow may be sexual in nature.
“Now to make matters worse, I have another problem.” Mr. Dooley said.
The National Reporter – And what is that, Mr. Dooley?
“Right after the ACLU took the nut job’s case, a group of hippys showed up to support him.” He said. “And they are just as crazy as he is, damned foul smelling pot smoking punks. They’re not here today, they usually come during the middle of the week when the rest of the world is working. You come back tomorrow and you will get to meet our charming future leaders.”
The following day The National Reporter returned to Dooleys farm to witness what Mr. Dooley had described as a ‘coven of kooks.’
As soon as I pulled into the driveway in The National Reporter Hum vee, I was greeted with a barrage of monotone chanting coming from several young people who apparently had not seen any soap or the inside of a shower stall in quite some time.
The body odor rising off of these grimey unshaven people was horrendous and they all seemed to be under the influence of some kind of drug, most likely marijuana roofers.
I walked right past them ignoring them the best I could to see why there was a crowd of young men from town crowded around a small enclosure.
I soon found out why.
A group of bare chested young women were demonstrating for trans-species rights and Dwight Haskel was doing his cow thing with some cows right behind them.
A short while later a local news crew arrived and began video taping the trashy show for their evening news.
Later in the afternoon more news crews began arriving to do the same.
As I watched the media circus swell, I started to see what a farce the whole thing really was and began putting the pieces together.
Dwight Haskel was obviously caught acting out some sort of bizarre sexual fetish where he dresses up like a cow and has his way with Ol’ Bessy.
This whole trans-species thing was just a smoke screen to fool the police and cover up his real motive for being in the pasture dressed like a cow when he was arrested.
He wasn’t fooling The National Reporter because we have a knack for spotting phoney storys.
That is why The National Reporter prides itself on reporting the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
To date, Dwight Haskel has not been granted his right to be a cow and the battle continues between the ACLU and the district court.
In the meantime, the protestors have been arrving by the bus load and Mr. Dooleys farm is begining to look like a hippy festival.
“I just want this crap to be over with.” He sighed.
© The National Reporter, 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.