Man adrift at sea lights his flatulance to signal rescue helicopter

Blazer

The bright blueish yellow flash was visable for miles.


The National Reporter
A man who was adrift at sea after his fishing boat sank was rescued late at night thanks to his Zippo lighter and an over abundant supply of flatulance.
Herbert Willingsworth went out to sea by himself last June to catch some Tuna fish that some friends told him were running fifteen miles from the coast of Carolina.
As night time approached he dropped his anchor and went down below to get some sleep.
Unfortunatly, he forgot to switch on his running lights thus rendering his small boat completely invisable to large vessles.
Around midnight he was struck head on by an oil tanker that split his boat wide open.
Mr. Willingsworth had just enough time to grab his C02 life raft and dive into the freezing cold water, seconds later his boat slipped beneith the dark fridged churning water of the Atlantic.
He struggled for what seemed like hours with the compacted raft looking for the Co2 cartrige so he could inflate it and get out of the water before hypothermia began to set in.
After a few minutes of groping in the chilling water he finally found it.
He pulled the pin and with a loud whoosh, his rescue raft inflated
It was a welcomed sight to see his raft bobbing on the waves in front of him.
He climbed aboard and quickly reached for the mylar emergency blanket tucked away in a side pocket of the raft.
Once he had it on, he could feel his body heat returning.
“At least I won’t be dying from hypothermia” he thought to himself.
When he was warmed up and began calming down some what, he wondered how long he would be stranded before help arrived.
Soon afterwards he fell asleep.

Early the next morning as the sun came up he scanned the horizon for any signs of a rescue plane or ships.
There was nothing, he was all alone.
Even if there were any, he didn’t have a signal mirror to attract their attention.
It was stolen weeks earlier by the local cocain users for their filthy drug habit.

Authors note: Cocain users cut up lines of their drug on mirrors to make it easier for them to smell. It is common for cocaine users to get high on the drug by smelling it. This is also called snorting.

He lied back on his raft as the waves gently lifted him up and down until it started getting dark.
Soon it was pitch black.
Around midnight he was awoken by the sound of a helicopter in the distance.
He lifted his head up and saw a Coast Guard helicopter about two miles away scanning the ocean with its bright search lights.
Thinking quickly, he reached into his pocket and took out his trusty Zippo lighter and lit it, but the tiny flame was way to small for them to see.
It was at that moment that he felt a surge of gas making its way down to his anus and he had an idea.
He repositioned his rear end so that it would be facing the helicopter and lit the lighter in front of his pants where it would be most effective.
Then he let it rip.
An instant later a huge blueish yellow flame erupted from the seat of his pants and rose into the air a good four feet.
Then to his amazment and relief, the search light on the helicopter immediatly swung around and bathed him in its blinding light.
The crew had seen his signal and he was pulled from the raft minutes later.

© The National Reporter, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

About Ace Flashman
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