Dog eats peanut butter weiner, owner upset

Oh boy,..peanut butter!

The National Reporter
Jack Bellington of Albany NY was sitting home alone last July 6th after his wife and kids went to the movies.
He was feeling kind of mischievous in a perverted sort of way and decided that he was going to take advantage of the family’s new Labrador puppy, Tessy.
“I figured what the hell,.no one is home so um,.. you know,..heh,heh” he said.
“So I went to the kitchen and got out a jar of peanut butter and pulled out my John Henry and smeared some on it, then I called the dog.
He came in a second later wagging his tail and I was standing there wagging my peanut butter covered,..unit.”
The National Reporter -What happened then?
“Well He stood up on his hind legs when he smelled the peanut butter, then he licked a little off.
“Hell,.. I thought it was the funniest thing I ever saw, then all of a sudden the little bastard chomped down as hard as he could and it was gone!”
The National Reporter- It was gone?
“Yeah,..my damned crank was gone. The damned dog bit it off and he was chomping it down as fast as he could.
Before I knew what was happening it was gone.”
The National Reporter- That’s awful, but it is kind of funny.
“I don’t think it’s funny and neither does my wife. She’s not too happy at all, let me tell you.”
The National Reporter- What did you do after the dog bit it off?
“I called the ambulance, what do you think I did? Hell, I was bleeding to death.
The next day me and the kids followed the dog around waiting for him to you know,..pass it.
But it was no good, it wasn’t like the dog ate a gold ring or something like that.
He digested it and pooped it out.”
The National Reporter- What are you going to do now?
“Well,.. the doctors said they are going to insert a tube so I can go to the bathroom, but as far as any other activity’s, I’m finished.”
A tragic story indeed.
We here at the The National Reporter would like to stress to our readers that smearing your privates with peanut butter or any type of food to entice an animal to lick it off is very dangerous and should only be attempted by a trained professional.

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Actor Danny Bonaduce finds huge gold nugget in Alaska

You're not going to believe what I just found!

The National Reporter
Actor Danny Bonaduce was invited by friends to go on a week-long gold hunting expedition in Alaska last month.
“It was just something to do, you know, get out in the fresh air and enjoy nature.” He said. “I never expected to find any gold, none of us really did. We just wanted to have a little fun, that’s all.”
The National Reporter- How did you find the gold nugget?
“Well, we were panning for gold along the shoreline for a few hours and I started getting bored and my legs were cramping, so I decided to wade out into the water and look under rocks to see if I could find a gold nugget.”
The National Reporter- Yes, that is where they usually hide.
“I picked up a few rocks to see if any gold was under them when I saw this good sized yellow rock next to some big boulders.
I reached in and picked it up and as soon as I held it up I just froze.
The first thing I thought was that no way in hell this is what it looked like. But then I became aware of how heavy it was.”
The National Reporter- Yes, gold is a very heavy element.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes, I just found a gold nugget that was almost as big as a bowling ball!”
The National Reporter- What was your first reaction?
“I got on my cell phone and called home to tell everyone the good news.

The National Reporter- We understand you had some problems when you returned home. Can you give us details?
“Yeah,..As soon as I got off the plane the ****ing IRS was right there jumping all over me grabbing my luggage and going through my pockets.
They grabbed the satchel with the gold nugget and ripped it open. They literally ripped it open, they didn’t bother to unzip it.”
The National Reporter- Would you say they were like animals tearing apart a carcass?
“I wouldn’t, but you can. They have my name and address.”
The National Reporter- What did they do with the gold nugget when they found it?
“They ran away with it, they just ran away with it. The satchel was still spinning on the ground and they were already gone. It was like being in a cartoon”
The National Reporter - Did you complain to the IRS?
“Sure I did, but they just told me this is how the new economy works and if I don’t like it they will send me to a re-education camp.”
The National Reporter - The new economy is a wonderful thing.
“Yeah,..don’t you just love the change?”

To date, Mr.Bonaduce has not received any information from the IRS concerning his gold nugget.

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What a find! Cache of Nazi gold unearthed in Georgia

One of several crates of Nazi gold discovered buried in Frank Johanson's back yard.

The National Reporter
When Frank Johanson received the bad news about his septic system last summer he was already at his wit’s end.
The lifelong resident of Nahunta Georgia had lost his job five months earlier and just when he thought things couldn’t get any worse, his wife Linda left him for his best friend Jason.
To add insult to injury,  right before she left she made sure to drain every cent out of their joint savings account.
For the next few months after that she belittled him in front of every person in town saying that he was a dud in bed and behaved efeminatly behind closed doors and enjoyed wearing her bra’s and panties.
She promised that she would never go back to that ‘fag loser’ as long as she lived.
And now on top of all the things that have gone wrong for him in the past few months, he was being handed an estimate for $11,000 to repair his clogged septic system.
“I thought I was done for.” Frank Johanson told The National Reporter.
“When I saw the estimate for fixing my septic tank I nearly passed dead away.  I couldn’t believe how much they were charging me just to put in a new pipe.”

Frank’s outlook on life turned completely around on the morning of July 22nd while watching the back hoe operator dig a huge hole in his back yard.
“I didn’t have anything else to do, so I pulled up an old lawn chair and watched them rip up my back yard.”  He said.  “When the hole really started getting deep the bucket snagged on a piece of old wood on the side of the hole and pulled it out.  When the bucket moved aside I could see a dark hole had appeared.”
The National Reporter – What did you think when you saw that hole?
“I didn’t know what to think.”  He said.  “I told the back hoe operator to stop digging then I climbed down to get a better look.  When I got right up to it I could see that it was a box of some kind.  The first thing that went through my mind was that it was a coffin.”
The National Reporter – Didn’t that give you the creeps?
“Oh, you bet.”  He said.  “But what’s worse if it turned out to be a coffin then I would have had to dig it up and rebury it at the local cemetary at my own expense.”
The National Reporter – What happened next?
“Well, I put my face up real close to see what was inside the box.  I couldn’t see anything because it was so dark in there.  Then I pulled off another piece of the old rotten wood to make the opening bigger.
To tell you the truth, I fully expected a skull to roll out.”  He said.  “When I had opened the box up a little more and looked inside, I could see something glimmering in the dim light, something yellowish.   I reached inside and grabbed it,  it was very cold and heavy.  When I pulled it out into the bright sunlight to get a better look at it, I thought I was going to faint dead away.
It was a solid gold ingot with German writing all over it and it had a big Nazi swastika stamped on it.

As soon as I saw all the German writing and stuff  I knew my grandpa must have had something to do with it.  He was in the American army in Europe during WW2 and he built this house.”
The National Reporter – Why didn’t your grandfather ever say anything to anyone about all this gold he had hidden in his backyard?
“He died at a very young age.” Frank explained. “He was killed in an auto accident just a few years after the war, so I guess no one else knew about the Nazi booty he had buried in his backyard.  I guess he never said anything to my grandmother about it either.”

Frank Johanson dancing for joy after discovering several crates of Nazi gold buried in his backyard.

“My life has completely changed thanks to this wind fall.” Frank told us. “I have millions of dollars in gold and the best part is, my wife Linda has forgiven me and returned home!”
“I have always loved him.” Linda said, as she hugged Frank in their basement gold vault.
“I never said any of those terrible things about him.   Mean people made all that stuff up to keep us from getting back together.”

Estranged wife Linda has forgiven Frank and returned home

The National Reporter wishes Frank and Linda well and we hope they enjoy the massive wealth that Frank’s grandfather risked his life stealing from the Nazi’s.
The last time we saw the happy couple, their good friend Jason was giving them a ride to the bank so they could put all the gold into a joint savings account.

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Solid gold asteroid headed for Earth, world economy in peril!

Photo of the massive solid gold asteroid taken last week from the Keck observatory.

The National Reporter
An asteroid estimated to be the size of Manhatten is headed our way and is expected to strike some time in 2021.
Scientists at NASA were shocked when they viewed close up images of the speeding jugernaut taken by a deep space probe.
“I can’t believe it,..it’s made of solid gold!” exclaimed senior scientist Rick Williams when he saw the photographs.

Space imager flying across the surface of the massive golden asteroid

The damage done from the impact of this asteroid will pall in comparison to the devistation it will cause to the worlds economy.
The value of gold will drop to nearly zero because of the amount of gold it will deposit in its aftermath.
“The only reason why gold is so valuable is because it is so rare. When this asteroid hits, gold will be more plentiful than iron. It will be worthless!” Said global economy expert Gig Young from his Manhatten office.
“The shear size and volume of this gold asteroid will certanly have a devistating impact on our economy. My suggestion is to buy platnium now before it is too late, lots of it!” he added.

Massive solid gold asteroid dwarfs Manhatten island

News of this impending disaster has been kept under wraps by the mass media under strict orders from NASA to avoid a world wide panic.
I am reporting it here at great risk to myself because I believe the public has a right to know.

© The National Reporter, 2009. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.