Giant woman arrested after restaurant melee

Amanda Berkly is seen here on security footage entering the restroom area

The National Reporter
Amanda Berkly who suffers from a rare condition known as giganticus was arrested last week after she had caused a disturbance at Jack and Earls restaurant in East Philly P.A.
Miss Berkly, who stands 8′ 6″ entered the restaurant at around 8:00pm and made her way to the  restroom.
“Usually the restrooms are for paying customers, but we don’t stop anyone from using them if it is an emergency.”  manager Todd Brown told us.
Miss Berkly huffed and puffed as she hobbled to the restroom on her crutches, she can barely walk because of the gross disfiguration in her legs and it takes her quite awhile to get from one place to another.
She had drawn considerable attention from the patrons as one would expect and most of them were watching the giant woman as she hobbled along.
Once she was inside the restroom, things went back to normal with the sounds of silverware clattering, glasses clinking and people talking.
Ten minutes later the restroom door swung open and Miss Berkly exited in a hurry.
Her face was red and she trained her eyes on the floor in front of her as she struggled along on her crutches seemingly faster than when she went in.
“I thought that was kind of odd.” Todd Brown said. “Typically a person is in a hurry to get to the restroom, not the other way around.”
When she was about halfway to the exit, a woman was heard screaming from the lady’s room and everyone in the restaurant became silent.
“Oh my God!!! What the hell is that in the toilet!!”
Miss Berkly was the only person in the room who didn’t turn around when the woman screamed and she seemed to hasten her way towards the door.
Todd Brown and a few waiters ran to the restroom and what they saw inside shocked them.
It was a solid human fece’s that looked like it was around three feet long and weighing around 30 to 40 pounds hanging halfway out of the toilet.
It was a fece’s specimen that only a giant could produce.

The fece's specimen was around 3 feet long and hanging put of the toilet.

“Stop that woman!” the manager yelled. Immediately several employees blocked the exit, trapping Miss Berkly in the restaurant.
She tried to turn direction and head for the door on the far side of the room, but the employees were too fast for her.
“I approached Miss Berkly and tried to be as discreet as possible so as to not humiliate her any further.”  Todd Brown told us. “I was trying to be as nice about it as I could and I told her that she had to take care of the little problem she left in the lady’s room.  I informed her that we will give her a stick to break up the huge,..thing,..you know what I mean?   That’s when the trouble started and she flipped out on us.   She started swinging her crutches around knocking over chairs and tables breaking glasses and everything.  The customers were screaming and running out of the building.
We tried to restrain her but because of her size she was throwing off my people like they were little kids. I never saw anything like it.

The aftermath of Miss Berklys rampage.

Within minutes after her rampage began the police arrived and she was subdued with the employment of several taser guns.
“After she was handcuffed and raised to her feet, I went into the lady’s room to investigate the cause of the whole ruckus.”  Sgt. Jeremy Runyon said. “I never saw a turd that big and I have been to the Philly zoo hundreds of times.  That thing just didn’t look like it came from a human.”
Miss berkly was shouting obscenities at the news reporters as she was led out to the police car.
“Yeah? Bite me, yah friggin’ pip squeaks!” She snarled. “I’ll dump a whopper on yer heads like I did in there.”
Miss Berkly is being held in the city jail on 50 thousand dollar bond.
So far no one has bailed her out.

Miss Berkly is seen here taunting news reporters with threats and insults.

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NASA tests young inventors rescue device

This tiny rocket engine can save the lives of astronauts

The National Reporter
An Ohio inventor approached NASA officials two years ago with a device he had invented claiming that it could save the lives of astronauts who found themselves unable to return to their space craft after their tether cord broke.
This nightmarish scenario has been a major worry to NASA since the first astronaut walked in space nearly fifty years ago.
But now thanks to this young inventor, that nightmare may be a thing of the past.
27 year old Wooster Ohio resident George Dewey came up with the ingenious idea of utilizing methane gas produced in the human digestive tract as fuel to power his tiny rocket engine which would propel the astronaut back to his space craft safe and sound.
The National Reporter went to Wooster Ohio to get an exclusive interview with George Dewey.
The National Reporter Congratulations on you invention Mr.Dewey.
“Thank you, I hope it saves someones life someday.”
The National Reporter – Can you tell us exactly how your invention operates in layman’s terms so that we can share it with our readers?
“I would be happy to” He said. “It’s really quite simple. The intake tube is inserted into the astronauts rectum via a small zippered portal in his space suit. Once it is firmly in place, the astronaut presses the green button on the control pad which is located on the back of his glove. This unleashes a capsule into his helmet that he takes orally.”
The National Reporter – What are the ingredients of this capsule?
“The capsule contains concentrated indigestible sugars. Once it has been swallowed it promote the formation of large quantities of intestinal gas within a matter of minutes. The gas that this particular type of sugar produces is naturally rich in highly flammable methane.”
The National Reporter – Yes, I am familiar with this particular gaseous compound. I have seen quite a few young people experimenting with its flammable property’s on internet video sites such as youtube.
“Exactly.” He said. “unfortunately a lot of these young scientists have been careless with their experiments and have needlessly suffered nasty burns and even caused occasional property damage. I urge everyone reading this to take extreme caution when you are conducting experiments with this gas. This can be extremely hazardous and it is nothing to play around with.
Any kind of testing with this gas that involves lighting it should only be conducted by qualified rocket scientists.”

The National Reporter urges all of our readers to take George Deweys advice if you are contemplating any type of experimenting with this gas.

The National Reporter – Once the astronaut takes the capsule and the gas is being produced, what happens next?
“The gas is then transferred through the plastic insertion tube to the compression tank on the side of the engine. While it is being filled, a small LED gauge on the astronauts visor tells him when it ready to fire. He can then rotate himself just like his space crafts retro rockets are able to rotate and position the craft. Once he is in the right position, he simply fires the rocket and it takes him home to his ship.
The National Reporter – That is incredible.
“Not really, it’s just science.” George said.
The National Reporter – How did you feel when you got the call from NASA informing you that they had tested your rocket and that it had performed perfectly?
“I was speechless.” He said. “It was completely unexpected. I presented them with the engine two years ago but they never contacted me.
Then out of the blue I got the phone call and they told me my engine was tested in orbit and that it worked very well. A few hours later they faxed a photograph over to me showing the astronaut using my engine. This has all been quite thrilling for me and my family.”

Astronaut Jim Barns is seen here testing George Deweys methane powered rescue rocket.

The National Reporter too bad we can’t get a photograph of the engine. I am sure our readers would really like to see what it looks like.
“No problem.” George said. “I just happen to have the prototype right here.”
He walked over to his dresser and pulled open the top drawer, he removed the prototype and pulled it up his legs until the rocket engine was positioned directly over his gas port.
“What do you think?” He asked. “Do you think your readers would want one?”
The National Reporter -Only if they are going into outer space,..Ha,ha!
“Ha,ha,..Yeah, probably.” He said.

George Dewey is seen here wearing the prototype of his methane powered rescue rocket.

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Rapper Kanye West #1 suspect in empire state building feces fiasco

The observation deck of the empire state building attracts thousands of visitors a week.

The National Reporter

Rapper Kanye West who is best known for his compulsion to upstage celebritys with ourageous interruptions is suspected of defecating high atop the empire state building on the observation deck.
“I saw him walking away from the area where it ( the poop) was discovered and he was pulling his pants up, you should have seen the look on his face when I snapped his picture,” Harvey Lowell said.
Mr. Lowell gave The National Reporter a copy of his famous photograph so that we could share it with our readers.

Kanye West is seen here fleeing the scene of the crime while quickly pulling up his trousers.

The National Reporter is not going to say he is guilty of public defecation or not since we are not in the business of starting rumors, but after examining the photograph it becomes very clear why the NYPD considers Kanye West the number one suspect in the case.
The fece’s was removed early this morning by the special investigations unit and is expected to be flown to Washington for a full analysis in the FBI’s forensics lab.

NYPD taping off the scene of the crime.

The reason why kanye West is the number one suspect in this case isn’t just because of the damning evidence and the photograph.
It is because he has done this sort of thing before.
In November 2008 he urinated on his dressing floor at the MTV awards show in England.

Kanye West pee’s on dressing room floor

The NYPD and the FBI have asked for any witnesses to come forward who may have seen who is responsible for this filthy act of vandalisim.
Your name and address will be held in the strictest confidence.

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Man adrift at sea lights his flatulance to signal rescue helicopter

The bright blueish yellow flash was visable for miles.

The National Reporter
A man who was adrift at sea after his fishing boat sank was rescued late at night thanks to his Zippo lighter and an over abundant supply of flatulance.
Herbert Willingsworth went out to sea by himself last June to catch some Tuna fish that some friends told him were running fifteen miles from the coast of Carolina.
As night time approached he dropped his anchor and went down below to get some sleep.
Unfortunatly, he forgot to switch on his running lights thus rendering his small boat completely invisable to large vessles.
Around midnight he was struck head on by an oil tanker that split his boat wide open.
Mr. Willingsworth had just enough time to grab his C02 life raft and dive into the freezing cold water, seconds later his boat slipped beneith the dark fridged churning water of the Atlantic.
He struggled for what seemed like hours with the compacted raft looking for the Co2 cartrige so he could inflate it and get out of the water before hypothermia began to set in.
After a few minutes of groping in the chilling water he finally found it.
He pulled the pin and with a loud whoosh, his rescue raft inflated
It was a welcomed sight to see his raft bobbing on the waves in front of him.
He climbed aboard and quickly reached for the mylar emergency blanket tucked away in a side pocket of the raft.
Once he had it on, he could feel his body heat returning.
“At least I won’t be dying from hypothermia” he thought to himself.
When he was warmed up and began calming down some what, he wondered how long he would be stranded before help arrived.
Soon afterwards he fell asleep.

Early the next morning as the sun came up he scanned the horizon for any signs of a rescue plane or ships.
There was nothing, he was all alone.
Even if there were any, he didn’t have a signal mirror to attract their attention.
It was stolen weeks earlier by the local cocain users for their filthy drug habit.

Authors note: Cocain users cut up lines of their drug on mirrors to make it easier for them to smell. It is common for cocaine users to get high on the drug by smelling it. This is also called snorting.

He lied back on his raft as the waves gently lifted him up and down until it started getting dark.
Soon it was pitch black.
Around midnight he was awoken by the sound of a helicopter in the distance.
He lifted his head up and saw a Coast Guard helicopter about two miles away scanning the ocean with its bright search lights.
Thinking quickly, he reached into his pocket and took out his trusty Zippo lighter and lit it, but the tiny flame was way to small for them to see.
It was at that moment that he felt a surge of gas making its way down to his anus and he had an idea.
He repositioned his rear end so that it would be facing the helicopter and lit the lighter in front of his pants where it would be most effective.
Then he let it rip.
An instant later a huge blueish yellow flame erupted from the seat of his pants and rose into the air a good four feet.
Then to his amazment and relief, the search light on the helicopter immediatly swung around and bathed him in its blinding light.
The crew had seen his signal and he was pulled from the raft minutes later.

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