February 8, 2010 Leave a comment
The National Reporter
Miller brewery announced this week that they were going ahead on their plan to be the first company in history to place their logo on the surface of the moon.
The construction of the logo is expected to begin early this summer as soon as the construction crew has been adequately trained to perform the task.
The logo’s designers have informed The National Reporter that once completed, the Miller logo will be seventy one miles high and one hundred and thirty eight wiles wide.
The logo will be easy to view with the naked eye.
When The National Reporter asked the head of Millers moon operation who would be manning the ship, we were met with a surprise answer.
Instead of trained astronauts as one would expect, they told us that the ship would manned by the same people they employ in their brewery.
The National Reporter - Are you telling us that the people you put in charge of this mission are going to be ordinary civilians with no training in space flight?
“That’s right.” Miller president Norman Adami said. “We are going to round up the exactly same type of people that we employ in our brewerys and after a brief training period we will be sending them to the moon to work on the most ambitious construction project in the history of mankind.”
The National Reporter – Isn’t that just a tad risky?
“What do you mean?”
The National Reporter - Well, the whole idea of sending unqualified people on a space mission sounds like a recipe for disaster.
“Once they are fully trained they will be qualified.” President Adami said. “Besides, they are all volunteers who know exactly what they are getting into. We asked them if they wanted to have steady work for the next year and they all said they did.”
The volunteers began their training behind Millers warehouses and The National Reporter was there.
Company spokesman Earl Sandwich took us on a tour of the training facility.
What we saw was quite impressive considering Miller brewery was a brewery and not a company involved with space travel or the manufacture of space ships.
They had managed to assemble an array of training equipment, most of which was makeshift, what most people would refer to as Mickey Mouse set ups.
While the quality of the training equipment wasn’t exactly on par with the million dollar equipment used by NASA, it worked very well.
Perhaps Miller beer could teach the big spenders over at NASA a thing or two about astro-economics.
Within a month after Miller finalized their plan to go to the moon to carve their company logo into it’s surface, they had nearly finished “Suds 1″, the first commercially built space ship that will go to the moon.
“Suds 1 is quite a remarkable feat of engineering.” Miller rocket scientist Jack Weber told us. “We bought a Gemini fuselage from Nasa for a few hundred dollars and installed some old Nike missile rockets engines on it. After that we set up some very simple controls that basically operate on human power.”
The National Reporter - Human power?
“Yes,..it is really very simple.” He explained. ” If you want the ship to go left, everyone on board leans left. If you want it to go right, everyone leans right. It’s that simple.”
The National Reporter – How do they know which way to lean?
“The captain tells them which way to lean. He has a window and can see where they are heading at all times. If they are heading in the wrong direction, all he has to do is shout out which way to lean and the ship will go in that direction.”
The National Reporter – He shouts it? Why does he have to shout which way to go?
“Well, because of all the corners we had to cut. This is a very expensive mission, so we did away with anything that was unneccessary, like the PA system.”
The National Reporter - I see, so the captain just shouts out commands to the crew.
After we were given the tour of Millers space training facility we were taken to the launch pad behind warehouse # 8 to see the crew rehearse for their mission.
Most of them seemed a little confused about what they were doing, but the training technicians assured us that this was completely normal.
What we saw when we entered the ship behind the crew was really amazing.
The ship was completely stripped down to the bare essentials to reduce the weight and also to create more space so that they could transport as many astronauts as possible.
This meant that there were no facility’s to dispose of bodily waste.
Since the trip would only take six days it was deemed unneccessary by mission control.
The astronauts were training themselves to hold it in for long periods of time and they would not be eating or drinking much on the trip anyway because the food pantrys and rest room facilitys were removed to make space for more astronauts.
We climbed into the ship behind the crew and began photographing the interior of the ship as the crew took up their stations.
As soon as the door closed behind us their training simulation began.
We could hear technicians out side making loud noises and rocking the ship around on it’s launch platform to simulate take off.
It was very exciting.
unfortunately for Miller brewery, their moon mission is being frowned upon by the rest of the world, especially the astronomers union.
“This is an outrage!” Ken Baun , Meade telescope’s Senior Vice President of Engineering said. “The moon belongs to all of humanity, who the hell do they think they are going up there to vandalize it with their company logo?”
Mr. Baun is not alone with his anger.
The entire scientific community is up in arms threatening to enact a worldwide boycott against Miller beer and all of its subsidiaries.
“If they think they can get away with this, they better think again!” Famed astronomer and author David Levy said. “What are they going to do next, paint their brand name on the Mona Lisa?”
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