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"He got it worse than me" "No,..you got it worse."

“For the past seven months, the feces flinger harassed some of Hollywood’s most famous personality’s” regional FBI director Harold Effington told us.
“His M.O. was sending a package containing human waste to celebritys. When they opened the package, a spring loaded platform in the box would discharge a few pounds of excrement into their faces. The result was disgusting and traumatic.”
The National Reporter That is quite diabolical. Is the suspect a criminal genius or just a clever prankster?
“He’s just some punk kid with too much time on his hands, that’s all.”

The National Reporter went to the home of Jay Leno for an exclusive interview.
The National Reporter Mr. Leno,..we understand you have been victimized by the notorious feces flinger. Can you tell us what happened?
“It began about four months ago in June.” he said “I received a package at my front door from an unidentified person. The name on the package was ‘Felice Flingaur’ as I recall.
I had no idea what was inside since I had not ordered anything.
I opened the package not suspecting anything was going to happen.
As soon as I cut through the tape, WHAM!!!
I was plastered with a huge wad of mushy gooey substance full in the face.
An instant later the stink filled my nostrils and I knew what it was.
I could’t believe it, I was absolutely grossed out.
I ran blindly for the bathroom gagging and vomiting all the way.
When I reached the shower I turned it on full blast and washed the disgusting mess from my face.”
The National Reporter It must have been awful.

Why me?

“You can say that again. I was sick to my stomach for hours after the attack. I had to hire a special clean up crew to take care of the mess while I stayed at a friends house.”
The National Reporter How do you feel now that the culprit has been apprehended?
“I hope they put him away for a long time.”

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You're not going to believe what I just found!

The National Reporter
Actor Danny Bonaduce was invited by friends to go on a week-long gold hunting expedition in Alaska last month.
“It was just something to do, you know, get out in the fresh air and enjoy nature.” He said. “I never expected to find any gold, none of us really did. We just wanted to have a little fun, that’s all.”
The National Reporter- How did you find the gold nugget?
“Well, we were panning for gold along the shoreline for a few hours and I started getting bored and my legs were cramping, so I decided to wade out into the water and look under rocks to see if I could find a gold nugget.”
The National Reporter- Yes, that is where they usually hide.
“I picked up a few rocks to see if any gold was under them when I saw this good sized yellow rock next to some big boulders.
I reached in and picked it up and as soon as I held it up I just froze.
The first thing I thought was that no way in hell this is what it looked like. But then I became aware of how heavy it was.”
The National Reporter- Yes, gold is a very heavy element.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes, I just found a gold nugget that was almost as big as a bowling ball!”
The National Reporter- What was your first reaction?
“I got on my cell phone and called home to tell everyone the good news.

The National Reporter- We understand you had some problems when you returned home. Can you give us details?
“Yeah,..As soon as I got off the plane the ****ing IRS was right there jumping all over me grabbing my luggage and going through my pockets.
They grabbed the satchel with the gold nugget and ripped it open. They literally ripped it open, they didn’t bother to unzip it.”
The National Reporter- Would you say they were like animals tearing apart a carcass?
“I wouldn’t, but you can. They have my name and address.”
The National Reporter- What did they do with the gold nugget when they found it?
“They ran away with it, they just ran away with it. The satchel was still spinning on the ground and they were already gone. It was like being in a cartoon”
The National Reporter - Did you complain to the IRS?
“Sure I did, but they just told me this is how the new economy works and if I don’t like it they will send me to a re-education camp.”
The National Reporter - The new economy is a wonderful thing.
“Yeah,..don’t you just love the change?”

To date, Mr.Bonaduce has not received any information from the IRS concerning his gold nugget.

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Osama Bin Ladens badly decomposed and half eaten corpse is seen here after it floated ashore in Somalia.

The remains of Osama Bin Laden who was killed by U.S. Navy Seals last week washed ashore in Somalia early this morning.
Local fishermen were aghast at the sight as they made their way to the beach.
“It is Osama!” They shouted.”Aaaaiiieee!”

Somali officials arrived a short time later to calm the terrified crowds who had assembled to view the remains.
His body had been picked clean to the bone by crabs, fish and seagulls although much of his his trademark beard still remained on what was left of his face.
Public officials assured the throngs of onlookers that it was not an act of witchcraft, the current merely picked up his dead body and dragged it across the ocean dumping it on the beach.
After they had cleared the crowds away, the officials took the badly decomposed remains of the deceased terrorist leader into custody.
“We are sure it is Osama.” Head inspector Harad Marahad told The National Reporter.
“Can you explain how his body floated free of the weights that were placed in the shroud with him?”
“Yes.” Inspector Marahad said. “The body was hastily placed into the shroud by doctors aboard a Navel vessel and they mistakenly sewed the fabric shut with dissolving surgical thread.”
“You mean the type that dissolves inside of the body after surgery?”
“Exactly.”
“What do you plan on doing with his remains?”
“We don’t know at the moment, perhaps we will sell it to an interested party if we get any offers. Most likely we will bury him at sea as the U.S. did originally.”

It was later learned by The National Reporter that the Somali government did indeed rebury the remains of Osama Bin Laden at sea and he is once again sleeping with the fishes.

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Barry Lundgartens fabulous South American fece's tree is annoying the neighbors.

The National Reporter
Harry Lundgarten, the man who wowed the judges at the international flower show two years ago with his amazing eyeball flower, is once again striving for the unique and unusual with his incredible South American fece’s tree.
“I got this beauty last summer when it was still a seedling, look how big it got since then!”
The tree had grown from a four-foot seedling into a full blooming thirty foot tall monster in his front yard.
“He has some nerve growing that disgusting thing in his front yard like that.” Angry neighbor Jim Gummly said.
“That is no ordinary tree.” He grunted. “For Gods sake, it drops poop all over the place and it stinks to high heaven!”
Actually it doesn’t really drop poop, it drops thick brown globs of sap during the spring that resembles human feces because of the color, shape and pungent odor.
People walking past the tree should be careful or they may end up with a wad on their heads as the tree seems to lie in wait for a victim.

"The big tree made a stinky poop on me." Little Cindy Johnson explained to us.

“Two years ago Harry became the town hero when he won first prize at the international flower show with his weird flowers with the eye balls.” Mary Timms told us.

Harrys bizzare award winning eye ball flower

I see you!

“Back then we all admired him even though his flowers gave everyone the creeps. The damned eye ball followed you everywhere.” Mary told us. “At least they didn’t stink the whole town up like this damned tree.”
Kathelene Waters was steaming mad when The National Reporter went to her house to get her opinion on the tree.
“I parked my car in front of the tree for five minutes while I was running an errand for a friend, and look what the damned thing did!”

Kathelen Waters car was covered with the repugnant sap from the feces tree in a matter of minutes.

“Harry better do something about that damned tree.” she said “Or one day he’s going to wake up and find a stump on his front lawn.”

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Women sharp shooters stand guard ready to blast RC helicopters from the sky.

The National Reporter
Ever since remote controlled helicopters began packing video cameras as standard equipment womens sorority houses across the nation have come under siege with hundreds of the annoying flying contraptions peeking into their windows.
“We have had enough of this nonsense!” Mary Standford of the Kapa Kapa’s told us.
“Every day it’s the same thing, We are in our bedroom and we look up at the window and there is one of those damed things hovering there peeking in.”
The National Reporter - That’s sounds awful, what are you doing about it?
“Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. We have stationed women sharpshooters around our sorority houses and they are blasting these things to pieces.”
The National Reporter – How many have they shot down?
“We lost count, the damned things keep coming and coming non stop day and night. We shoot one down and five or six more fly past and head straight for the windows.”

They keep coming and coming non stop day and night.

“Sometimes the lawn gets so littered with the smoking debris of these things we have to call the fire department.”

The National Reporter – Interviewed one of the nearby local residents and asked them what they thought of the problem being caused by the RC helicopters.
“Sometimes they open up on a whole squadren of the damed things, it sounds like a war going on.” Jack McKinnley told us.
“The girls do their best to down the damned things, but they just keep coming.
I don’t know where the people who are flying them get all their money from, they must be spending a fortune.”
The National Reporter – Have they been bothering you as well?
“They don’t peek into my windows if that’s what you mean. They want to peek in the windows at the sorority house, you know why,.heh,heh,heh.
They get on my nerves because they fly over my house when they attack the girls house.
All night and day I can hear them flying over and hovering over the roof, plus the never ending barrage of shot guns going off down the street keeps me awake most of the night.”
The National Reporter – What are the police doing about the problem?
“The cops say it is out of their jurisdiction because it is matter for the FAA. The FAA refuses to handle it because they say it’s a problem for the FCC because the helicopters are radio controlled.”

Female sharp shooter takes aim at a hovering intruder as another lies smoking on the ground to her left.

The National Reporter – tracked down the perpetrators at the nearby nerdly fraternity house and we asked them why they were doing it.
“What do you mean why?” Stanly Stuart said. He seemed surprised that we would ask such a question as if we didn’t already know why they were doing it.
“To see some stuff,..you know?” He said.
The National Reporter – To see some stuff?
“Yeah, you know,..girls and,..you know,..stuff.”
The National Reporter – Stuff like what?
By now Stanly and the other students seemed like they were getting nervous with my questioning.
There eyes darted about and they were shuffling on their feet.
“You know,..stuff in the girls bedrooms,..and stuff,.you know?”
The National Reporter – I don’t know what you mean. Can you be more specific?”
Stanlys face was beet red by this time and most of his fraternity brothers had quietly slipped out of the room.

Fred Walston (Center holding the helicopter) and his nerd chopper squad showing off one of their RC video helicopters.

“You know,..like girls in their bras and stuff. You know?”
The National Reporter -Oh I see, you are using the helicopters to peep on the girls as they are getting undressed.
“Well,..um,.no,..not really.”
By this time Stanly looked like he was going to pass out at any second.
The National Reporter -Not really? What other reasons do you have for peeking into the girls bedrooms?
Just as Stanly looked like he was goung to pass out, his science teacher Fred Walston stormed into the room.
“Who are you?” He demanded.
The National Reporter -I am an investigative reporter for the The National Reporter We are doing a story on the hoards of RC helicopters that your students are using to peek into the womens sorority house down the street.
“I don’t know what you are talking about.” He said. “You have to get out of here now, this is private property and you’re trespassing.”
The National Reporter -Oh I see. you don’t like it when someone is trespassing, but it’s OK for you to peek into the womens sorority house with your RC helicopters?
“I happen to be very good friends with the Chief of police.” He told us.
The National Reporter -Is that why the police refuse to do anything about your RC helicopter antics?

At this time the local police arrived and escorted this reporter off of the property with a warning not to return.
I think we all know what is going on and the The National Reporter urges everyone to write their representatives to complian.

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We're going to the movie theater to bother everyone by very loudly pointing out all of the technical errors.

The National Reporter
For years the movie going public has had to endure loud comments from nerds while trying to enjoy a film.
We all know the type.
It’s that particular variety of nerd that has a habit of pointing out a films technical flaws in a loud shrill nasally voice that almost always causes their glasses drop off and dangle by their black nylon eye glass retaining cords.
“We were trying to watch a movie and all of a sudden these four jack-asses sitting right behind us started jumping up and down squealing about how it is impossible for a space ship to make sound in outer space.” Roger Thompson of Hollywood Florida told us. “They scared the crap out of me and my wife when they jumped up and started banging around in the seats. And for Gods sake,..it WAS A CARTOON!!”
The National Reporter Spoke with the head of the movie theaters owners association about the problem.
“This has been going on since the fiftys when science fiction films became popular with the teenagers. At first the nerds just mumbled to each other for fear of getting beaten up by the other movie patrons, but in the 1980′s things got worse when the film Revenge of the nerds came out. It unified them.” He said.
“After that, nerds became more and more boisterous.”
The National Reporter How so?
“If the nerds discovered a new film had several technical flaws in it, they would return the next day in the hundreds shuffling into the theater all huddled together snorking like that Urkle kid on TV a few years ago, you know who I mean. That white kid.”
The National Reporter You mean Jaleel White?
“Yeah, that’s him.” He said.
“The nerds would all be hitting each other and making pig sounds and some of them would be telling the others to stop poking them and whining about how their popcorn got knocked over. As soon as the movie started they would all quiet down with their eyes riveted on the screen waiting in breathless anticipation for the first technical error. As soon as it played they all start in with the noises and laughter and demanding refunds.

Click here to listen to a group of nerds disrupting Avatar at a Long Island theater.
http://v7.tinypic.com/player.swf?file=s3htuv&s=7

The National Reporter What do you plan to do to rectify the problem?
“We’re not letting nerds into the theaters anymore. They can wait until the film comes out on video.
They can make all the noises they want in their parents basements or where ever they hole up in the daytime.
We are tired of these nerds ruining the movie for everyone else just to make people think they are so smart.
Big deal, they spot a flaw in a stupid science fiction movie and get all excited jumping around squealing and making pig sounds just so everyone in the theater knows they spotted it first,..as if finding these little technical errors is some kind of amazing feat that can only be accomplished by someone with a superior intellect.
Heres a newsflash for you nerds,..no one cares.
They just want to watch the movie and be entertained.
They don’t want to hear you pencil necked geeks going into fits of excitement as if you just won the Nobel prize for string spotting.
Everyone knows the flying saucer isn’t real because it’s a science fiction movie.”

Guns don't make any sound in outer space, it's impossible because there is no air because sound needs to move air molecules in order to travel, I know because I am a science major and I am taking astrophysics next semester. FAKE FAKE FAKE!! I want my money back!!

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Members of the notorious wedgie gang are seen here being led into court to be indicted.

The National Reporter
How many times have you watched a television police show and seen someone getting stopped for having drugs in their car?
And how many times have they said something similar to this in their defense?
“But officer, when I was stopped for the traffic light down the street a bunch of guys came up to my car and asked me for directions. They must have tossed those bags of crack in my car,..and that gun too!”
“Sure they did,” the smiling cop says. “Now get on the ground,..STOP RESISTING, STOP RESISTING! TAZER TAZER!!”
ZaaaaAAAAPPP!!!! LOL!

Last week after a five year investigation into gang activity, the FBI arrested several members of a street gang known as the Wedgies.
They call themselves the Wedgies because of their bizarre gang requirement of wearing women’s thong panties tightly drawn up between the cheeks of their buttocks, commonly known as a wedgie.
“We had noticed that quite a few people who were being arrested for drug possession in their cars were claiming in their defense that gangsters had tossed drugs, guns and stolen property into their cars while they were stopped at traffic lights.”Special agent Trent Lockwell told The National Reporter.
“We then conducted an investigation that took almost five years to complete and what we discovered was quite shocking.
This gang of thugs who call themselves the Wedgies would lie in wait for an innocent motorist to stop at a traffic light.
As soon as they had a victim in their sights, they would approach him or her and ask for directions, which is kind of suspicious to begin with.
Being that they were on foot it would seem obvious that they were in their own neighborhood, so why would they be asking people for directions?”
The National Reporter Yes, that does seem a bit odd.
“When they had the persons attention one of the gang members would sneak around to the other side of the car and toss in drugs, guns or something they had stolen in a burglary like a DVD player or a camera. They would make sure that the stolen item had a serial number on it and that the victim had reported it stolen prior to them planting it.
This way the unsuspecting person whose car they tossed it in will be charged with possession of stolen property and perhaps even the burglary.”
The National Reporter Do yu have any idea why they did this?
“Sure, they were bored.”

Members of the Wedgie street gang being arrested during the FBI sweep.

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1857 photo of the mysterious circus tent

The site was closed down and investigated by the finest detectives of the day looking for a clue as to where all those people disappeared to, but they never found anything.
To this day scientists are still scouring the Earth with ground sounding devices looking for underground caves and secret trap doors.
So far there has been no trace of any such underground caverns that could have been used to spirit so many people away unseen by the hundreds waiting outside of the big tent.
All that remains on the location is a plaque dedicated to the missing.
The bizarre occurence is still one of the most puzzling missing persons mystery in the U.S. to this day.

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San Francisco’s infamous tall hat cult is once again stirring up debate among city law makers and voters this week by demanding equal rights and full recognition as a legitimate religion.
These renewed protests were sparked off when a group of silver tall hats deliberately lined up in the front row of San Francisco’s largest movie theater and blocked the screen from the rest of the patrons.
Silver hats are the high priests of the tall hat cult and are known to be extremely militant when they want to be.

A line of protesting silver hats blocked the screen during a film nearly setting off a riot.

A half hour after the silver hats began their protest, the theater manager notified the police.
By the time the police arrived the front entrance of the theater was blocked by nearly one hundred tall hats shouting the sacred words of the tall hat cult.
The mob was comprised of lesser members who are refered to as card board tube heads.
“HA-goot-TAH-Pooh-gah!!” they chanted loudly, refusing to allow the police entrance into the theater.
Finally the police dispersed the cultists with a fire hose that knocked their card board hats to the ground and ruined them with the water.
The following day several tall hat cultists set up a picket line in front of town hall with at least two of the dangerous silver hats in attendance.
Police suspect that the silver hats were there to direct the card board tube heads in case they wanted them to become violent.

Two silver hats are seen here leading the card board tube heads at the picket line in front of town hall.

The city bus line has banned the tall hats from their buses after one of them caused an accident with his hat.

For now the tall hat cult is keeping this latest round of civil unrest at an acceptable level, but the police are keeping a close watch on them and it has been rumored that several undercover officers have infiltrated the cult.
As always, The National Reporter will keep our readers up to date on this and other story’s as they develop.

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