Flying penis reaches England!

The National Reporter
Two years ago The National Reporter astonished the world with exclusive reports of a mysterious flying penis that had been sighted over Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Story here.
Flying penis seen over Pittsburgh
The flying penis was last seen headed out to sea off the coast of New Jersey by millions of shocked and disgusted on lookers.
It was assumed that the obscene object had deflated and fallen into the ocean never to be seen again.
Conspiracy theorists speculated that it was shot down by secret government fighter planes powered by alien technology.
Three weeks ago hundreds of people aboard a plane headed for the United Kingdom got a shock when they passed the flying penis as it slowly bobbed along in the air currents at over a thousand feet in the air.

There is was, the flying penis. Floating along on it's way to England.

The National Reporter Spoke with Mr. Frank Beardly, the passenger who managed to snap the only photograph of the flying penis as the plane passed it.
“We passed it so fast, it was like it was standing still.” Frank Beardly said.”I was able to get one photo before it disappeared behind us.”
“It looked like a big dick.” his wife added.
“Yeah, it looked like a dick.” Frank said. “We found out later that it was a balloon that someone in the U.S. made as a gag. Well,.. I’m not laughing. Who ever built that thing is a sick perverted jack-a-ninny, I’ll tell you that.”

The first sighting of the flying penis came at around 6:00am on February 22 from a Mr. Thomas Junferson, an employee of the bus service.
“I was getting ready to pull out of the terminal when I saw this thing hovering in the air in the distance.” He said. “Right,..What’s all this then, a flying penis? I never saw such a thing in all my days I’ll tell you. I was shocked I was and a tad perturbed as well. leave it to the yanks to come up with something like this.”
The flying penis reached London early in the morning on February 25.

People all over Londen watched in shock and disgust as the flying penis floated over head.

Not even women and children were safe from the filthy balloon as it slowly bobbed along

Unfortunately for the people on the ground the air was very still and calm enabling the flying penis to remain almost motionless all day.

“good lord, can’t the army shoot the damned thing down?” Clara Jones huffed. “My kids are asking me what it is, what the bleeding hell am I supposed to tell them?”
By dusk the flying penis was floating near the Parliament building.
As it neared the famous clock tower, the sound of hundreds of tourists laughing filled he air accompanied with hundreds of camera flashes illuminating the buildings.
“We were up in the Ferris wheel watching the damned thing as it hung motionless in the sky around a quarter mile away.” Bill Parton said. “It looked like it lost some of its helium because t was limp and droopy looking.”

The National Reporter consulted gas specialists on this matter and they concluded that the volume of helium in the flying penis still remained the same as it was when it was launched two years ago.
The reason for it’s apparent limpness is the result of the helium contracting in the cool night air.
Fans of the flying penis will be relieved to hear that the floating phallus should regain it’s rigged appearance when the sun light heats it up and expands the lighter than air gas.

"It looked limp and droopy like it lost a lot of its helium." Bill Parton said.

The people of London watched the flying penis as it very slowly drifted east.
It disappeared from view when the sun went down.
The next morning it was gone and presumed to be headed towards France.
The National Reporter is currently searching for the person(s) responsible for the construction of the flying penis for an exclusive interview.
If anyone knows who these people are and where they can be contacted, please notify us here at The National Reporter.

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Tazered man runs like the Flash!

Police tazer had unusal effect on Philadelphia man.

The National Reporter

A Philadelphia man who was mistaken for a car thief was accidentally zapped with 50 thousand volts from a police officers Tazer gun.
“I thought he was the crook, he matched the description.” Officer Wally Banks said.
What happened when the man was jolted with all of that electricity is the really strange part of this story.
Instead of hitting the ground like a normal person, he just stayed in one spot about two feet off the ground with his legs going a mile a minute like a cartoon character while grunting “Gnaaa,..gnaaa,..gnaaaahh!!
A few seconds later he took off down the street at blinding speed.
Below are the actual photographs taken by passerby of the tazered man the moment he received the massive jolt of electricity and then speeding down the street at lightening speeds.

Gnaaah,..gnaaaah,...gnaaaahh!!!

Look at him go!

He ran a total of two hundred yards before he ran out of steam and fell face first onto the asphalt and slid for seventy feet before he came to a halt in the middle of the intersection.
He was immediately transported to the hospital and treated for road rash and electrical shock.
A video of this usual occurrence was made, unfortunately it has been confiscated by the police and the owner of the video camera was been arrested and charged with filming a police officer breaking the law.

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White poop. The deadly secret.

The National Reporter
In recent months young people across the nation have been experimenting with a very dangerous chemical that can be easily obtained from dog excrement.
Reckless people have discovered the explosive properties of the crystalline substance that forms on the surface of dog poop when it turns white.
When combined with a simple base compound such as ordinary bubble gum, this white substance produces enough explosive power to rival military grade C-4.
So far there have been no serious injuries resulting from this dangerous discovery and law enforcement agencies from coast to coast are on the lookout for anyone experimenting with this substance.
Police cyber units are also watching the internet very closely for persons engaged in providing information on the manufacture of this lethal explosive.
The National Reporter has made this video in an effort to alert parents to this danger and to inform them of the tell tale signs that their children may be manufacturing this volatile explosive.
We advise parents to alert the police immediately if they hear a huge explosion in their neighborhood.

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After seven month man hunt, FBI nabs notorious feces flinger

The National Reporter
For seven months the FBI has been conducting a nationwide search for the notorious feces flinger, a vile criminal who has been plaguing some of Hollywood biggest celebrities via the parcel post system.
The feces flinger sent packages containing a nasty surprise to such noted celebrities as Jay Leno,Jon Bon Jovi, Conan O’Brien and Matthew Perry.

"He got it worse than me" "No,..you got it worse."

“For the past seven months, the feces flinger harassed some of Hollywood’s most famous personality’s” regional FBI director Harold Effington told us.
“His M.O. was sending a package containing human waste to celebritys. When they opened the package, a spring loaded platform in the box would discharge a few pounds of excrement into their faces. The result was disgusting and traumatic.”
The National Reporter That is quite diabolical. Is the suspect a criminal genius or just a clever prankster?
“He’s just some punk kid with too much time on his hands, that’s all.”

The National Reporter went to the home of Jay Leno for an exclusive interview.
The National Reporter Mr. Leno,..we understand you have been victimized by the notorious feces flinger. Can you tell us what happened?
“It began about four months ago in June.” he said “I received a package at my front door from an unidentified person. The name on the package was ‘Felice Flingaur’ as I recall.
I had no idea what was inside since I had not ordered anything.
I opened the package not suspecting anything was going to happen.
As soon as I cut through the tape, WHAM!!!
I was plastered with a huge wad of mushy gooey substance full in the face.
An instant later the stink filled my nostrils and I knew what it was.
I could’t believe it, I was absolutely grossed out.
I ran blindly for the bathroom gagging and vomiting all the way.
When I reached the shower I turned it on full blast and washed the disgusting mess from my face.”
The National Reporter It must have been awful.

Why me?

“You can say that again. I was sick to my stomach for hours after the attack. I had to hire a special clean up crew to take care of the mess while I stayed at a friends house.”
The National Reporter How do you feel now that the culprit has been apprehended?
“I hope they put him away for a long time.”

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Actor Danny Bonaduce finds huge gold nugget in Alaska

You're not going to believe what I just found!

The National Reporter
Actor Danny Bonaduce was invited by friends to go on a week-long gold hunting expedition in Alaska last month.
“It was just something to do, you know, get out in the fresh air and enjoy nature.” He said. “I never expected to find any gold, none of us really did. We just wanted to have a little fun, that’s all.”
The National Reporter- How did you find the gold nugget?
“Well, we were panning for gold along the shoreline for a few hours and I started getting bored and my legs were cramping, so I decided to wade out into the water and look under rocks to see if I could find a gold nugget.”
The National Reporter- Yes, that is where they usually hide.
“I picked up a few rocks to see if any gold was under them when I saw this good sized yellow rock next to some big boulders.
I reached in and picked it up and as soon as I held it up I just froze.
The first thing I thought was that no way in hell this is what it looked like. But then I became aware of how heavy it was.”
The National Reporter- Yes, gold is a very heavy element.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes, I just found a gold nugget that was almost as big as a bowling ball!”
The National Reporter- What was your first reaction?
“I got on my cell phone and called home to tell everyone the good news.

The National Reporter- We understand you had some problems when you returned home. Can you give us details?
“Yeah,..As soon as I got off the plane the ****ing IRS was right there jumping all over me grabbing my luggage and going through my pockets.
They grabbed the satchel with the gold nugget and ripped it open. They literally ripped it open, they didn’t bother to unzip it.”
The National Reporter- Would you say they were like animals tearing apart a carcass?
“I wouldn’t, but you can. They have my name and address.”
The National Reporter- What did they do with the gold nugget when they found it?
“They ran away with it, they just ran away with it. The satchel was still spinning on the ground and they were already gone. It was like being in a cartoon”
The National Reporter - Did you complain to the IRS?
“Sure I did, but they just told me this is how the new economy works and if I don’t like it they will send me to a re-education camp.”
The National Reporter - The new economy is a wonderful thing.
“Yeah,..don’t you just love the change?”

To date, Mr.Bonaduce has not received any information from the IRS concerning his gold nugget.

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Body of Osama Bin Laden floats ashore in Somalia!

Osama Bin Ladens badly decomposed and half eaten corpse is seen here after it floated ashore in Somalia.

The remains of Osama Bin Laden who was killed by U.S. Navy Seals last week washed ashore in Somalia early this morning.
Local fishermen were aghast at the sight as they made their way to the beach.
“It is Osama!” They shouted.”Aaaaiiieee!”

Somali officials arrived a short time later to calm the terrified crowds who had assembled to view the remains.
His body had been picked clean to the bone by crabs, fish and seagulls although much of his his trademark beard still remained on what was left of his face.
Public officials assured the throngs of onlookers that it was not an act of witchcraft, the current merely picked up his dead body and dragged it across the ocean dumping it on the beach.
After they had cleared the crowds away, the officials took the badly decomposed remains of the deceased terrorist leader into custody.
“We are sure it is Osama.” Head inspector Harad Marahad told The National Reporter.
“Can you explain how his body floated free of the weights that were placed in the shroud with him?”
“Yes.” Inspector Marahad said. “The body was hastily placed into the shroud by doctors aboard a Navel vessel and they mistakenly sewed the fabric shut with dissolving surgical thread.”
“You mean the type that dissolves inside of the body after surgery?”
“Exactly.”
“What do you plan on doing with his remains?”
“We don’t know at the moment, perhaps we will sell it to an interested party if we get any offers. Most likely we will bury him at sea as the U.S. did originally.”

It was later learned by The National Reporter that the Somali government did indeed rebury the remains of Osama Bin Laden at sea and he is once again sleeping with the fishes.

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Man who grew flower with huge eye ball now has a South American feces tree in his front yard!

Barry Lundgartens fabulous South American fece's tree is annoying the neighbors.

The National Reporter
Harry Lundgarten, the man who wowed the judges at the international flower show two years ago with his amazing eyeball flower, is once again striving for the unique and unusual with his incredible South American fece’s tree.
“I got this beauty last summer when it was still a seedling, look how big it got since then!”
The tree had grown from a four-foot seedling into a full blooming thirty foot tall monster in his front yard.
“He has some nerve growing that disgusting thing in his front yard like that.” Angry neighbor Jim Gummly said.
“That is no ordinary tree.” He grunted. “For Gods sake, it drops poop all over the place and it stinks to high heaven!”
Actually it doesn’t really drop poop, it drops thick brown globs of sap during the spring that resembles human feces because of the color, shape and pungent odor.
People walking past the tree should be careful or they may end up with a wad on their heads as the tree seems to lie in wait for a victim.

"The big tree made a stinky poop on me." Little Cindy Johnson explained to us.

“Two years ago Harry became the town hero when he won first prize at the international flower show with his weird flowers with the eye balls.” Mary Timms told us.

Harrys bizzare award winning eye ball flower

I see you!

“Back then we all admired him even though his flowers gave everyone the creeps. The damned eye ball followed you everywhere.” Mary told us. “At least they didn’t stink the whole town up like this damned tree.”
Kathelene Waters was steaming mad when The National Reporter went to her house to get her opinion on the tree.
“I parked my car in front of the tree for five minutes while I was running an errand for a friend, and look what the damned thing did!”

Kathelen Waters car was covered with the repugnant sap from the feces tree in a matter of minutes.

“Harry better do something about that damned tree.” she said “Or one day he’s going to wake up and find a stump on his front lawn.”

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RC helicopters with video cameras irk sorority houses across the nation

Women sharp shooters stand guard ready to blast RC helicopters from the sky.

The National Reporter
Ever since remote controlled helicopters began packing video cameras as standard equipment womens sorority houses across the nation have come under siege with hundreds of the annoying flying contraptions peeking into their windows.
“We have had enough of this nonsense!” Mary Standford of the Kapa Kapa’s told us.
“Every day it’s the same thing, We are in our bedroom and we look up at the window and there is one of those damed things hovering there peeking in.”
The National Reporter - That’s sounds awful, what are you doing about it?
“Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. We have stationed women sharpshooters around our sorority houses and they are blasting these things to pieces.”
The National Reporter – How many have they shot down?
“We lost count, the damned things keep coming and coming non stop day and night. We shoot one down and five or six more fly past and head straight for the windows.”

They keep coming and coming non stop day and night.

“Sometimes the lawn gets so littered with the smoking debris of these things we have to call the fire department.”

The National Reporter – Interviewed one of the nearby local residents and asked them what they thought of the problem being caused by the RC helicopters.
“Sometimes they open up on a whole squadren of the damed things, it sounds like a war going on.” Jack McKinnley told us.
“The girls do their best to down the damned things, but they just keep coming.
I don’t know where the people who are flying them get all their money from, they must be spending a fortune.”
The National Reporter – Have they been bothering you as well?
“They don’t peek into my windows if that’s what you mean. They want to peek in the windows at the sorority house, you know why,.heh,heh,heh.
They get on my nerves because they fly over my house when they attack the girls house.
All night and day I can hear them flying over and hovering over the roof, plus the never ending barrage of shot guns going off down the street keeps me awake most of the night.”
The National Reporter – What are the police doing about the problem?
“The cops say it is out of their jurisdiction because it is matter for the FAA. The FAA refuses to handle it because they say it’s a problem for the FCC because the helicopters are radio controlled.”

Female sharp shooter takes aim at a hovering intruder as another lies smoking on the ground to her left.

The National Reporter – tracked down the perpetrators at the nearby nerdly fraternity house and we asked them why they were doing it.
“What do you mean why?” Stanly Stuart said. He seemed surprised that we would ask such a question as if we didn’t already know why they were doing it.
“To see some stuff,..you know?” He said.
The National Reporter – To see some stuff?
“Yeah, you know,..girls and,..you know,..stuff.”
The National Reporter – Stuff like what?
By now Stanly and the other students seemed like they were getting nervous with my questioning.
There eyes darted about and they were shuffling on their feet.
“You know,..stuff in the girls bedrooms,..and stuff,.you know?”
The National Reporter – I don’t know what you mean. Can you be more specific?”
Stanlys face was beet red by this time and most of his fraternity brothers had quietly slipped out of the room.

Fred Walston (Center holding the helicopter) and his nerd chopper squad showing off one of their RC video helicopters.

“You know,..like girls in their bras and stuff. You know?”
The National Reporter -Oh I see, you are using the helicopters to peep on the girls as they are getting undressed.
“Well,..um,.no,..not really.”
By this time Stanly looked like he was going to pass out at any second.
The National Reporter -Not really? What other reasons do you have for peeking into the girls bedrooms?
Just as Stanly looked like he was goung to pass out, his science teacher Fred Walston stormed into the room.
“Who are you?” He demanded.
The National Reporter -I am an investigative reporter for the The National Reporter We are doing a story on the hoards of RC helicopters that your students are using to peek into the womens sorority house down the street.
“I don’t know what you are talking about.” He said. “You have to get out of here now, this is private property and you’re trespassing.”
The National Reporter -Oh I see. you don’t like it when someone is trespassing, but it’s OK for you to peek into the womens sorority house with your RC helicopters?
“I happen to be very good friends with the Chief of police.” He told us.
The National Reporter -Is that why the police refuse to do anything about your RC helicopter antics?

At this time the local police arrived and escorted this reporter off of the property with a warning not to return.
I think we all know what is going on and the The National Reporter urges everyone to write their representatives to complian.

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Angry theater patrons want obnoxious nerds to go!

We're going to the movie theater to bother everyone by very loudly pointing out all of the technical errors.

The National Reporter
For years the movie going public has had to endure loud comments from nerds while trying to enjoy a film.
We all know the type.
It’s that particular variety of nerd that has a habit of pointing out a films technical flaws in a loud shrill nasally voice that almost always causes their glasses drop off and dangle by their black nylon eye glass retaining cords.
“We were trying to watch a movie and all of a sudden these four jack-asses sitting right behind us started jumping up and down squealing about how it is impossible for a space ship to make sound in outer space.” Roger Thompson of Hollywood Florida told us. “They scared the crap out of me and my wife when they jumped up and started banging around in the seats. And for Gods sake,..it WAS A CARTOON!!”
The National Reporter Spoke with the head of the movie theaters owners association about the problem.
“This has been going on since the fiftys when science fiction films became popular with the teenagers. At first the nerds just mumbled to each other for fear of getting beaten up by the other movie patrons, but in the 1980′s things got worse when the film Revenge of the nerds came out. It unified them.” He said.
“After that, nerds became more and more boisterous.”
The National Reporter How so?
“If the nerds discovered a new film had several technical flaws in it, they would return the next day in the hundreds shuffling into the theater all huddled together snorking like that Urkle kid on TV a few years ago, you know who I mean. That white kid.”
The National Reporter You mean Jaleel White?
“Yeah, that’s him.” He said.
“The nerds would all be hitting each other and making pig sounds and some of them would be telling the others to stop poking them and whining about how their popcorn got knocked over. As soon as the movie started they would all quiet down with their eyes riveted on the screen waiting in breathless anticipation for the first technical error. As soon as it played they all start in with the noises and laughter and demanding refunds.

Click here to listen to a group of nerds disrupting Avatar at a Long Island theater.
http://v7.tinypic.com/player.swf?file=s3htuv&s=7

The National Reporter What do you plan to do to rectify the problem?
“We’re not letting nerds into the theaters anymore. They can wait until the film comes out on video.
They can make all the noises they want in their parents basements or where ever they hole up in the daytime.
We are tired of these nerds ruining the movie for everyone else just to make people think they are so smart.
Big deal, they spot a flaw in a stupid science fiction movie and get all excited jumping around squealing and making pig sounds just so everyone in the theater knows they spotted it first,..as if finding these little technical errors is some kind of amazing feat that can only be accomplished by someone with a superior intellect.
Heres a newsflash for you nerds,..no one cares.
They just want to watch the movie and be entertained.
They don’t want to hear you pencil necked geeks going into fits of excitement as if you just won the Nobel prize for string spotting.
Everyone knows the flying saucer isn’t real because it’s a science fiction movie.”

Guns don't make any sound in outer space, it's impossible because there is no air because sound needs to move air molecules in order to travel, I know because I am a science major and I am taking astrophysics next semester. FAKE FAKE FAKE!! I want my money back!!

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Gang that plants drugs on innocent people busted!

Members of the notorious wedgie gang are seen here being led into court to be indicted.

The National Reporter
How many times have you watched a television police show and seen someone getting stopped for having drugs in their car?
And how many times have they said something similar to this in their defense?
“But officer, when I was stopped for the traffic light down the street a bunch of guys came up to my car and asked me for directions. They must have tossed those bags of crack in my car,..and that gun too!”
“Sure they did,” the smiling cop says. “Now get on the ground,..STOP RESISTING, STOP RESISTING! TAZER TAZER!!”
ZaaaaAAAAPPP!!!! LOL!

Last week after a five year investigation into gang activity, the FBI arrested several members of a street gang known as the Wedgies.
They call themselves the Wedgies because of their bizarre gang requirement of wearing women’s thong panties tightly drawn up between the cheeks of their buttocks, commonly known as a wedgie.
“We had noticed that quite a few people who were being arrested for drug possession in their cars were claiming in their defense that gangsters had tossed drugs, guns and stolen property into their cars while they were stopped at traffic lights.”Special agent Trent Lockwell told The National Reporter.
“We then conducted an investigation that took almost five years to complete and what we discovered was quite shocking.
This gang of thugs who call themselves the Wedgies would lie in wait for an innocent motorist to stop at a traffic light.
As soon as they had a victim in their sights, they would approach him or her and ask for directions, which is kind of suspicious to begin with.
Being that they were on foot it would seem obvious that they were in their own neighborhood, so why would they be asking people for directions?”
The National Reporter Yes, that does seem a bit odd.
“When they had the persons attention one of the gang members would sneak around to the other side of the car and toss in drugs, guns or something they had stolen in a burglary like a DVD player or a camera. They would make sure that the stolen item had a serial number on it and that the victim had reported it stolen prior to them planting it.
This way the unsuspecting person whose car they tossed it in will be charged with possession of stolen property and perhaps even the burglary.”
The National Reporter Do yu have any idea why they did this?
“Sure, they were bored.”

Members of the Wedgie street gang being arrested during the FBI sweep.

These Wedgies aren’t acting so tough now with their women’s thong panties wedged up their rear ends.
They are on their way to jail for a very long time.

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