Body of Osama Bin Laden floats ashore in Somalia!

Osama Bin Ladens badly decomposed and half eaten corpse is seen here after it floated ashore in Somalia.

The remains of Osama Bin Laden who was killed by U.S. Navy Seals last week washed ashore in Somalia early this morning.
Local fishermen were aghast at the sight as they made their way to the beach.
“It is Osama!” They shouted.”Aaaaiiieee!”

Somali officials arrived a short time later to calm the terrified crowds who had assembled to view the remains.
His body had been picked clean to the bone by crabs, fish and seagulls although much of his his trademark beard still remained on what was left of his face.
Public officials assured the throngs of onlookers that it was not an act of witchcraft, the current merely picked up his dead body and dragged it across the ocean dumping it on the beach.
After they had cleared the crowds away, the officials took the badly decomposed remains of the deceased terrorist leader into custody.
“We are sure it is Osama.” Head inspector Harad Marahad told The National Reporter.
“Can you explain how his body floated free of the weights that were placed in the shroud with him?”
“Yes.” Inspector Marahad said. “The body was hastily placed into the shroud by doctors aboard a Navel vessel and they mistakenly sewed the fabric shut with dissolving surgical thread.”
“You mean the type that dissolves inside of the body after surgery?”
“Exactly.”
“What do you plan on doing with his remains?”
“We don’t know at the moment, perhaps we will sell it to an interested party if we get any offers. Most likely we will bury him at sea as the U.S. did originally.”

It was later learned by The National Reporter that the Somali government did indeed rebury the remains of Osama Bin Laden at sea and he is once again sleeping with the fishes.

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The day the circus came to town

1857 photo of the mysterious circus tent

The National Reporter
In the early morning hours of August 1857, the town of New Madrid, Missouri was visited by a small unknown circus.
The people of New Madrid naturally welcomed the small circus and eagerly anticipated the show as they set up their operation on the outskirts of town.
By the end of the day the circus was open for business and the excited locals began arriving.
In no time at all the big top was filled to capacity which much to their displeasure, left a few hundred New Madridians outside waiting for the next show.
The sounds of the ring leader shouting through his megaphone, the performers, the music and all the wild animals echoed out across the big field where the circus had set up their big tent.
And then just as the show was about to end, there was silence.
The ring master, the crowds and the howling animals had all suddenly become hushed.
After a few minutes some of the towns folk walked towards the front entrance to the tent and pulled aside the enclosure to peer inside.
They were greeted by an eerie sight.
There was no one inside.
It was completely empty.
Over four hundred towns people, performers and animals had disappeared off of the face of the Earth on that warm August evening in 1857.

The site was closed down and investigated by the finest detectives of the day looking for a clue as to where all those people disappeared to, but they never found anything.
To this day scientists are still scouring the Earth with ground sounding devices looking for underground caves and secret trap doors.
So far there has been no trace of any such underground caverns that could have been used to spirit so many people away unseen by the hundreds waiting outside of the big tent.
All that remains on the location is a plaque dedicated to the missing.
The bizarre occurence is still one of the most puzzling missing persons mystery in the U.S. to this day.

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Confirmed by the U.S. parks department; Big foot is a homo!

Big scary monster is a fruit.

The National Reporter
While on a routine flight over the heavily wooded terrain of the pacific north west, park rangers photographed what appears to be the infamous big foot engaging in a lascivious act with another male of his species.
“We couldn’t believe what we were seeing.” Ranger Johnson told us. “I saw him first, the big foot that is, walking along a path.
As I positioned my camera in his direction I noticed that something to his left had caught his attention and he slowed down his pace to look at it. After I snapped the first photograph I turned to see what it was.
It was another male Sasquatch about a hundred feet away bent over with his rear end up in the air.”

The big foot was enticed by the other males rear end as he walked past.

“We circled around for another look and by the time we got back the first big foot was standing right behind the bent over big foot and he was,..um,..you know. pleasuring himself as he gazed at the other bigfoots rear end.”

The bent over big foot was pretending not to notice the amorous Sasquatch behind him.

“It was funny because the bent over big foot was pretending like he didn’t know the other one was behind him, he was just picking at the ground.” Ranger Waller said. “There wasn’t anything there, he was just picking at the ground as an excuse for having his rump up in the air like that.”
“Yeah, and the other one liked what he saw.” Ranger Johnson added.
The National Reporter – What happened next?
“Well,..the one standing behind the bent over one just tapped him on the shoulder and he turned around.” Ranger Waller said.”As soon as he saw that he was,..you know,..in an aroused state, he dropped to his knees and began performing oral sex on him.”

The shamless homo big feet didn't care that the two rangers were circling them in their plane watching what they were doing.

“We circled around them for about fifteen minutes, then we had to leave because we were running low on fuel.” Ranger Waller said.
The National Reporter – Do you think that this is an isolated incident or is it possible that all big feet are gay?
“That’s hard to say.” Ranger Johnson said. “We don’t get to see them as often as we would like. And even when we do see them we are forbidden to tell anyone about it.
As you are probably aware, the department of the interior keeps big foot a closely guarded secret. There are actually thousands of them roaming the forests but we are bound by law to remain silent about their existence because of the non-intervention treaty of 1741.”
The National Reporter – The non-intervention treaty of 1741?
“Yes, the secret treaty that the colonists signed with the leaders of the Sasquatch nation. It’s very simple, we don’t mess with them and they don’t mess with us.”
The National Reporter – so, what you are saying is that this story can’t be shared with the public?
“That’s right.”
The National Reporter – I’ll be sure to keep it under wraps then.
“That would be greatly appreciated.” Ranger Waller said. “If the public found out that there where thousands of big feets roaming around the woods it would cause a panic and a lot of resentment towards the government for not saying anything about it.”
The National Reporter -Of course. I’ll keep quiet about the whole thing, you can count on it.

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Ancient Martian building may have been a brothel

Ancient martian building first photographed in 1987 may have been used as a house of ill repute millions of years ago by Martians.

 

The National Reporter
The famous ruins that were first discovered and photographed on Mars way back in 1987 may reveal some clues to the nature of the civilisation that built it.
Scientific data accumulated from the photographs and from recent discoverys indicate that the building was in the center of Martian activity much in the same way that brothels dominated frontier boom towns in the U.S.
It has been suggested that ancient Martians worked as miners in the nearby mountains and they may have spent their earnings in the local house of prostitution just like miners did on Earth in the 1800′s.
“They were very much like us.” Doctor George Westly of The National Institute of ancient studies told us.
“The ancient Martian men would go to work in the nearby mountains toiling underground for hours on end and at the end of the week they would reward themselves with a trip to the local bawdy house just like their human counterparts on Earth.”
Although Dr.Westlys theory has attracted the attention of a public eager to delve into what could be a lascivious past of the long extinct Martian race, it has also drawn quite a bit of criticism from the scientific community.
“Westly is an idiot, plain and simple.” Professor Alex Cantone huffed. “A martian whorehouse? Bah,..rubbish!” 

Close up of the suspected den of iniquity nestled in the hills of the Martian landscape.

 

Dr.Westly has defended his Martian bordello theory at several scientific seminars across the globe in recent months.
“I don’t understand why my colleagues are having such a hard time believing the truth about the ancient Martians.” He told us. “I don’t understand why they can’t just accept the fact that these were ordinary people with ordinary needs just like us.
Why do they have to embrace the silly image of Martians being super intelligent and advanced?
People who think that way have watched way too many science fiction movies.” 

For now the Martian cat house theory is still being discussed within scientific circles but not taken seriously, much to the dismay of Dr. Westly.
“I will take this to the public and present all of my evidence that this was a brothel.” he said. “The truth will not be denied and I will show the world.” 

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Blackbeards parrot still alive and talking 292 years after the famed pirates death

Pepe, the 306 year old pet parrot of famed pirate Blackbeard.

The National Reporter
Pepe the parrot, Blackbeard’s companion during his famous exploits on the high seas, is still alive and talking up a storm 292 years after Blackbeard’s death and what he has to say has historians in an up roar.
It was previously believed that Blackbeard was killed during a battle with sailors sent to kill him on orders from Virginas governor, Alexander Spotswood.
But according to Pepe the parrot, this story is not true.
Black beard the pirate was killed in a fight with his life long nemesis, Popette.

Popette the sailing man, Blackbeard's arch nemesis and according to Pepe, the man who killed the famous pirate.

Pepe explained to a crowded room at MIT that the long-standing feud between Blackbeard and Popette began when they were in their early twenties.
They both had a crush on the daughter of Eliza McMurryweather, the local businessman who had made a fortune in the importing business in particular the olive oil trade which was very lucrative in the days preceding the discovery of crude oil.
Olive oil was prefered over whale oil because it was only a fraction of the price and had more uses.
Pepe told the audience that it was during their very first fist fight that Blackbeard suffered an injury that would cause him a great deal of pain for the rest of his life.
He had broken the big toe on his left foot and he foolishly let it go untreated.
As a result, the toe became permanently discolored dark blue.
Popette would mock him when ever their paths crossed by calling him, ‘Blue toe.”

Teresa McMurryweather the daughter of olive oil importer Eliza McMurryweather was the apple of both Blackbeard's and Popette's eye.

When they were in their early thirtys they ran into each other in a saloon in Haiti and immediately got into a brutal fist fight that lasted for nearly an hour.
During the scuffle, Blackbeard stabbed Popette in the face with a dagger which resulted in the loss of his eye.
Because of the persistent pain in his eye socket, Popette began ingesting large quanitys of marijuana .
After years of abusing the drug he developed a drug induced psychosis that made him believe that the marijuana had the ability to give him super strength and added to that the constant exposure to the harsh resins, his vocal chords became severely damaged resulting in his well-known gravely voice.

Blackbeard the pirate, also known as Blue toe because of the discolored big toe he acquired during a fistfight with Popette the sailing man.

Because of his advanced age, Pepe was only able to speak for a short time.
He was returned to his room by his nursing staff and is expected to continue his speaking tour in a few days.
The National Reporter will be on hand when he does.

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Exclusive National Reporter Exposé. Giant skeleton is a fraud!

Huge skeleton uncovered in Northern India is a fake.

The National Reporter
In 2007 a story circulated the internet claiming that a massive skeleton was unearthed in northern India.
Kedar, a writer for the The Eastern Horizon first exposed this shameful hoax when it began circulating the internet.
Being that The National Reporter is always looking for the truth and determined to expose false reporting, we were also sceptical of the story and decided after three years to get the whole story behind this hoax.
What we discovered came as no surprise to us and we are certain it will be no surprise to our readers.
The giant skeleton is a fake, it is made out of wood.
We uncovered the truth about the giant skeleton and the motive behind its creation within hours after we arrived in northern India.

It all began in early 2006 when the Brahma lumber mill burned to the ground.
The business was not insured, so the owner Artimus Punjab had to come up with some quick cash to rebuild his company.
He was told by a shady local character known as “Bunti, the slimey one” that the tabloids are always looking for ridiculously fake storys to sell to their readers who they consider stupid and retarded.
Artimus then arranged a meeting with “Ungus Frungus, a notorious liar from the nearby village and together they forged the story about finding a giant human skeleton.
All they had to do was manufacture the skeleton, plant it in the ground and then pretend that it had been discovered in an archeological excavation after which they would sell the story and photographs to the shady tabloids and make thousands of dollars.

Brahma lumber mill going up in flames in 2006

Artimus and Ungus went to work on the giant skeleton in what remained of the Brahma lumber mill.
After a full month of tireless carving and cutting, they had finished the skeleton and were ready to sneak it across the country side to a pre-determined location.
Once their giant wooden skeleton was in place, they contacted the shady tabloids and cut a lucrative deal with them to defraud the public with their bogus story.

Artimus Punjab and Ungus Frungus are seen here fashioning a leg bone for the giant skeleton in the ruins of the Brahma lumber mill.

The completed skeleton prior to being taken to the fake archeological dig.

Artimus Punjab is seen here (center; standing on lumber wearing the hat) with his gang of co-conspirators in the process of placing the fake wooden skeleton in the hole.

Artimus and Ungus met with the tabloid’s head fake story scout Slick Weasleman in a dark bar that is located in Bombay’s seedy underbelly, a bar where no decent person would dare to venture.
It was here that they were introduced to the evil side of news reporting that only the tabloids could manifest with their twisted and warped sense of reporting where lies are sold as the truth and reporting the news has been reduced to scamming the public with filthy lies just to make a quick buck.
Slick Weasleman liked the story that the two liars had conjured up.
“He,he,..this is just the kind of crap that the stupid retards who read our garbage tabloids love to eat up.” He cackled. His beady eyes darted about the sleazy bar as he chomped on his cheap cigar.
Everything about him was despicable.
His cheap suit, his cheap cigars. Even his cheap after shave smelled sneaky and underhanded.
There can be no doubt that Slick Weasleman was a scoundrel through and through and it was his foul demeanor that landed him his job at the tabloids.

Slick Weasleman, the sneaky con artist from the tabloids who helped Artimus and Ungus lie to the world.

Once the deal was made, Slick Weasleman transferred ten thousand dollars to Artimus for his story and the lie began circulating across the globe within days.
Millions of people believed the story as it made it’s rounds through the internet, that is until it came to the attention of intelligent people such as Kedar of the Eastern Horizon who first came to the realisation that the story was a hoax.
When the hoax was discovered and proven, Artimus and Ungus disappeared into the woods and haven’t been heard from since.
The Indian government has confiscated the dirty money they got from the tabloids and have threatened to sue them for aiding in the lie.
“Who,.. us?” A tabloid president said. “We ain’t got nothing to do with it, see. Go on, try and pin it on us. I dare ya, see. Yeah,.. go ahead, you got nothing on us.”
The tabloids had no further comment.

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Encrypted monument carbon dated at 65 million years old unearthed in Belize.

Bizarre monument was unearthed 75 miles west of Belize city.

The National Reporter
A team of archeologists searching for remnants of the meteor that struck the Earth 65 million years ago that is theorised to be responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs, uncovered a bizarre granite monument last week 75 miles west of Belize city.
The huge stone monument, which is made of a type of granite that is not indigenous to South America, has symbols engraved on it that has left scientists completely baffled.
High resolution photographs of the strange markings have been sent to several linguistic labs around the world in the hope that someone might be able to decipher them. 

Archeologists examining the 65 million year old stone monument that they had unearthed.

“What we have found is very strange.” Said Professor Williams of Caltech. “Aside from the strange markings, the stone monument is right on top of the K-T boundary which would indicate that it was placed here immediately after the meteor struck the Earth.”
The National Reporter – So, what you are saying is that there may have been humans around at the time?
“What I am saying is that there was some sort of intelligent beings around who survived the meteor strike, this monument is proof of it. ” he said. “Whether or not they were human is the puzzling part of this since the human race didn’t come into existence until millions of years after the event.”
The National Reporter – What about an alien life form?
“There is that possibility, it would be foolish to rule it out.” He said. “When we decode the markings we should have a better idea who placed this here and what it means.”
The National Reporter was personally invited to go down into the dig by the team to get exclusive photographs of the monument and the strange writing. 

Close up view of the monuments strange markings

“We trust the The National Reporter for your integrity and for reporting the real story, unlike the tabloids who make things up.” Team member Sally Wostan said. “If they ever got a hold of this story before The National Reporter had a chance to inform the public with the truth, heaven only knows what sort of silliness they would fill their heads with.”
The National Reporter has been granted exclusive rights by the team to report any developments in the mystery surrounding this strange find and we will keep our readers updated on all these findings as they unfold. 
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Apollo 14′s stowaway turtle; dead at age 41

Moonie, the first turtle on the moon.

The National Reporter
Moonie the box turtle who became an over night celebrity in february 1971 when he was discovered hiding aboard the Apollo 14 lunar lander, passed away yesterday at the San Antonio zoo.
He was 41.
Moonie became an international phenomenom in 1971 when he was discovered hiding inside the lunar landers food compartment.

Commander Alan Shepard is seen here playing with Moonie in the weightless lunar lander.

The famous image of Moonie floating in front of Alan Shepard became an over night boom to tee shirt manufacturors world wide and pet stores couldn’t keep up with the demand for box turtles.
Toy companys rushed in to cash in on “Turtlemania” with items such as Mr. Turtle pool.
In 1987 three people were arrested when they tried to kidnap Moonie.
Police found a ransome note on one of the suspects where they were going to demand one million dollars for his return.
All three suspects were convicted of attempted extortion and served eight years in federal prison.

Child enjoying her Mister Turtle pool in this 1971 television ad.

The staff at the San Antonio zoo were deeply sadened by the loss of their long time friend.
“I can’t believe Moonie is gone.” Sniffed a teary eyed Thelma Tinkerton. “He has been a part of this zoo ever since I was a little girl. I still remember my folks bringing me here to see him right after he came back from the moon. I remember the long lines of excited people waiting to see the first turtle on the moon. He was the main reason why I applied for a job here at the zoo.”

Even though Moonie’s unplanned trip to the moon four decades ago is a forgotten piece of history today, Moonie will live on in the hearts of the people who remember his famous trip.
He will be buried in the zoo’s animal cemetary along side of other notable denizens of the wild kingdom underneith a granite stone with a bronze plaque thanks to funds from NASA and the good people of San Antonio.
God speed Moonie, we will miss you.

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Shocking Kennedy secret revealed; the tale of Ted’s tail.

The National Reporter
A secret that has been kept from the public for over 77 years has been exposed by a close confidant of the Kennedy clan.
The whistle blower, (who wishes to remain anonymous) has supplied The National Reporter with shocking unretouched photographs of Ted Kennedy taken at various times during his life.
What these photographs reveal has never been seen by anyone outside of the Kennedys tightly guarded political circle, until now.
As you can plainly see in these following unretouched photographs of Edward Kennedy, he had a condition known as Sacrococcygeal teratoma.
In laymans terms,..Ted Kennedy had a tail.

In this unretouched photograph, you can see Ted's tail protruding from under his suit in plain sight of the people behind him.

Photograph of Ted's tail in plain sight before being removed from the photograph with a computer imaging program.

This unflattering photo of the late senator was never shown until his tail was air brushed out of the image.

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Skeletal remains of half cat / half human now on display in Cairo museum

The National Reporter
The skeletal remains of what appears to be a half  human / half cat has been removed from the recently discovered hidden chamber of the great pyramid and is now on display in Cairo’s national museum.
Scientists from around the globe have been arriving in Egypt to study the strange skeleton,  many of them do not believe that it could be real.
“We know that the ancient Egyptians were accomplished taxidermist, this is most likely one of their creations they made to scare away thieves.”  Dr. Jason Hendley of Oxford university told us.

Find out more about this amazing story here.
Hidden chamber discovered in peak of great pyramid

Some of the scientists agree with Dr, Hendley while others are less sceptical.
“I find it quite perplexing that the spinal column of the creature is actually attached to the skull.”  Dr.Winston Gorjone explained. “If this was the creation of some ancient taxidermist, the attachment of the skull to the spinal column would have been obvious.  There would be wire holding the skull to the spinal column. In this case, there is not.   The bone is fused together naturally which would indicate that this skeleton may indeed be the remains of some long forgotten species of animal.”

The half cat/ half human skeleton that was found in the recently discovered hidden chamber in the great pyramid.

“What we must not forget is that ancient Egyptian lore is filled with half human/half animal beings.” Dr. Gorjone said. “The question that now lies before us is whether or not they were imaginary or if they really existed.

Examples of ancient Egyptian half human/ half animal Gods.

The National Reporter – What can you tell us about the mysterious floating orb that was found in the hidden chamber?
“I am not at liberty to discuss it.” Dr. Gorjone said. “For now the golden sphere is considered a state secret by the Egyptian government and we are not allowed to discuss it with anyone.”
The National Reporter – How soon do you think the secret of the floating sphere will be uncovered and when it is, will this information be released to the public?
“Right now the sphere is still inside the great pyramid. From what I have been told it can not be moved.  Technicians have tried using hydraulic pistons to force it free from its present position, but the force field it is generating is to powerful.   What it is and how it has managed to stay afloat for thousands of years is still a mystery.”

The National Reporter  will be on hand when the mystery of the floating orb is discovered and we can guarantee our readers that they will read it here first.

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