Flying penis reaches England!

The National Reporter
Two years ago The National Reporter astonished the world with exclusive reports of a mysterious flying penis that had been sighted over Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Story here.
Flying penis seen over Pittsburgh
The flying penis was last seen headed out to sea off the coast of New Jersey by millions of shocked and disgusted on lookers.
It was assumed that the obscene object had deflated and fallen into the ocean never to be seen again.
Conspiracy theorists speculated that it was shot down by secret government fighter planes powered by alien technology.
Three weeks ago hundreds of people aboard a plane headed for the United Kingdom got a shock when they passed the flying penis as it slowly bobbed along in the air currents at over a thousand feet in the air.

There is was, the flying penis. Floating along on it's way to England.

The National Reporter Spoke with Mr. Frank Beardly, the passenger who managed to snap the only photograph of the flying penis as the plane passed it.
“We passed it so fast, it was like it was standing still.” Frank Beardly said.”I was able to get one photo before it disappeared behind us.”
“It looked like a big dick.” his wife added.
“Yeah, it looked like a dick.” Frank said. “We found out later that it was a balloon that someone in the U.S. made as a gag. Well,.. I’m not laughing. Who ever built that thing is a sick perverted jack-a-ninny, I’ll tell you that.”

The first sighting of the flying penis came at around 6:00am on February 22 from a Mr. Thomas Junferson, an employee of the bus service.
“I was getting ready to pull out of the terminal when I saw this thing hovering in the air in the distance.” He said. “Right,..What’s all this then, a flying penis? I never saw such a thing in all my days I’ll tell you. I was shocked I was and a tad perturbed as well. leave it to the yanks to come up with something like this.”
The flying penis reached London early in the morning on February 25.

People all over Londen watched in shock and disgust as the flying penis floated over head.

Not even women and children were safe from the filthy balloon as it slowly bobbed along

Unfortunately for the people on the ground the air was very still and calm enabling the flying penis to remain almost motionless all day.

“good lord, can’t the army shoot the damned thing down?” Clara Jones huffed. “My kids are asking me what it is, what the bleeding hell am I supposed to tell them?”
By dusk the flying penis was floating near the Parliament building.
As it neared the famous clock tower, the sound of hundreds of tourists laughing filled he air accompanied with hundreds of camera flashes illuminating the buildings.
“We were up in the Ferris wheel watching the damned thing as it hung motionless in the sky around a quarter mile away.” Bill Parton said. “It looked like it lost some of its helium because t was limp and droopy looking.”

The National Reporter consulted gas specialists on this matter and they concluded that the volume of helium in the flying penis still remained the same as it was when it was launched two years ago.
The reason for it’s apparent limpness is the result of the helium contracting in the cool night air.
Fans of the flying penis will be relieved to hear that the floating phallus should regain it’s rigged appearance when the sun light heats it up and expands the lighter than air gas.

"It looked limp and droopy like it lost a lot of its helium." Bill Parton said.

The people of London watched the flying penis as it very slowly drifted east.
It disappeared from view when the sun went down.
The next morning it was gone and presumed to be headed towards France.
The National Reporter is currently searching for the person(s) responsible for the construction of the flying penis for an exclusive interview.
If anyone knows who these people are and where they can be contacted, please notify us here at The National Reporter.

Click here for more breaking news from The National Reporter

© The National Reporter, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tazered man runs like the Flash!

Police tazer had unusal effect on Philadelphia man.

The National Reporter

A Philadelphia man who was mistaken for a car thief was accidentally zapped with 50 thousand volts from a police officers Tazer gun.
“I thought he was the crook, he matched the description.” Officer Wally Banks said.
What happened when the man was jolted with all of that electricity is the really strange part of this story.
Instead of hitting the ground like a normal person, he just stayed in one spot about two feet off the ground with his legs going a mile a minute like a cartoon character while grunting “Gnaaa,..gnaaa,..gnaaaahh!!
A few seconds later he took off down the street at blinding speed.
Below are the actual photographs taken by passerby of the tazered man the moment he received the massive jolt of electricity and then speeding down the street at lightening speeds.

Gnaaah,..gnaaaah,...gnaaaahh!!!

Look at him go!

He ran a total of two hundred yards before he ran out of steam and fell face first onto the asphalt and slid for seventy feet before he came to a halt in the middle of the intersection.
He was immediately transported to the hospital and treated for road rash and electrical shock.
A video of this usual occurrence was made, unfortunately it has been confiscated by the police and the owner of the video camera was been arrested and charged with filming a police officer breaking the law.

Click here for more breaking news from The National Reporter

© The National Reporter, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

After seven month man hunt, FBI nabs notorious feces flinger

The National Reporter
For seven months the FBI has been conducting a nationwide search for the notorious feces flinger, a vile criminal who has been plaguing some of Hollywood biggest celebrities via the parcel post system.
The feces flinger sent packages containing a nasty surprise to such noted celebrities as Jay Leno,Jon Bon Jovi, Conan O’Brien and Matthew Perry.

"He got it worse than me" "No,..you got it worse."

“For the past seven months, the feces flinger harassed some of Hollywood’s most famous personality’s” regional FBI director Harold Effington told us.
“His M.O. was sending a package containing human waste to celebritys. When they opened the package, a spring loaded platform in the box would discharge a few pounds of excrement into their faces. The result was disgusting and traumatic.”
The National Reporter That is quite diabolical. Is the suspect a criminal genius or just a clever prankster?
“He’s just some punk kid with too much time on his hands, that’s all.”

The National Reporter went to the home of Jay Leno for an exclusive interview.
The National Reporter Mr. Leno,..we understand you have been victimized by the notorious feces flinger. Can you tell us what happened?
“It began about four months ago in June.” he said “I received a package at my front door from an unidentified person. The name on the package was ‘Felice Flingaur’ as I recall.
I had no idea what was inside since I had not ordered anything.
I opened the package not suspecting anything was going to happen.
As soon as I cut through the tape, WHAM!!!
I was plastered with a huge wad of mushy gooey substance full in the face.
An instant later the stink filled my nostrils and I knew what it was.
I could’t believe it, I was absolutely grossed out.
I ran blindly for the bathroom gagging and vomiting all the way.
When I reached the shower I turned it on full blast and washed the disgusting mess from my face.”
The National Reporter It must have been awful.

Why me?

“You can say that again. I was sick to my stomach for hours after the attack. I had to hire a special clean up crew to take care of the mess while I stayed at a friends house.”
The National Reporter How do you feel now that the culprit has been apprehended?
“I hope they put him away for a long time.”

Click here for more breaking news from The National Reporter

© The National Reporter, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from
this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

RC helicopters with video cameras irk sorority houses across the nation

Women sharp shooters stand guard ready to blast RC helicopters from the sky.

The National Reporter
Ever since remote controlled helicopters began packing video cameras as standard equipment womens sorority houses across the nation have come under siege with hundreds of the annoying flying contraptions peeking into their windows.
“We have had enough of this nonsense!” Mary Standford of the Kapa Kapa’s told us.
“Every day it’s the same thing, We are in our bedroom and we look up at the window and there is one of those damed things hovering there peeking in.”
The National Reporter - That’s sounds awful, what are you doing about it?
“Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. We have stationed women sharpshooters around our sorority houses and they are blasting these things to pieces.”
The National Reporter – How many have they shot down?
“We lost count, the damned things keep coming and coming non stop day and night. We shoot one down and five or six more fly past and head straight for the windows.”

They keep coming and coming non stop day and night.

“Sometimes the lawn gets so littered with the smoking debris of these things we have to call the fire department.”

The National Reporter – Interviewed one of the nearby local residents and asked them what they thought of the problem being caused by the RC helicopters.
“Sometimes they open up on a whole squadren of the damed things, it sounds like a war going on.” Jack McKinnley told us.
“The girls do their best to down the damned things, but they just keep coming.
I don’t know where the people who are flying them get all their money from, they must be spending a fortune.”
The National Reporter – Have they been bothering you as well?
“They don’t peek into my windows if that’s what you mean. They want to peek in the windows at the sorority house, you know why,.heh,heh,heh.
They get on my nerves because they fly over my house when they attack the girls house.
All night and day I can hear them flying over and hovering over the roof, plus the never ending barrage of shot guns going off down the street keeps me awake most of the night.”
The National Reporter – What are the police doing about the problem?
“The cops say it is out of their jurisdiction because it is matter for the FAA. The FAA refuses to handle it because they say it’s a problem for the FCC because the helicopters are radio controlled.”

Female sharp shooter takes aim at a hovering intruder as another lies smoking on the ground to her left.

The National Reporter – tracked down the perpetrators at the nearby nerdly fraternity house and we asked them why they were doing it.
“What do you mean why?” Stanly Stuart said. He seemed surprised that we would ask such a question as if we didn’t already know why they were doing it.
“To see some stuff,..you know?” He said.
The National Reporter – To see some stuff?
“Yeah, you know,..girls and,..you know,..stuff.”
The National Reporter – Stuff like what?
By now Stanly and the other students seemed like they were getting nervous with my questioning.
There eyes darted about and they were shuffling on their feet.
“You know,..stuff in the girls bedrooms,..and stuff,.you know?”
The National Reporter – I don’t know what you mean. Can you be more specific?”
Stanlys face was beet red by this time and most of his fraternity brothers had quietly slipped out of the room.

Fred Walston (Center holding the helicopter) and his nerd chopper squad showing off one of their RC video helicopters.

“You know,..like girls in their bras and stuff. You know?”
The National Reporter -Oh I see, you are using the helicopters to peep on the girls as they are getting undressed.
“Well,..um,.no,..not really.”
By this time Stanly looked like he was going to pass out at any second.
The National Reporter -Not really? What other reasons do you have for peeking into the girls bedrooms?
Just as Stanly looked like he was goung to pass out, his science teacher Fred Walston stormed into the room.
“Who are you?” He demanded.
The National Reporter -I am an investigative reporter for the The National Reporter We are doing a story on the hoards of RC helicopters that your students are using to peek into the womens sorority house down the street.
“I don’t know what you are talking about.” He said. “You have to get out of here now, this is private property and you’re trespassing.”
The National Reporter -Oh I see. you don’t like it when someone is trespassing, but it’s OK for you to peek into the womens sorority house with your RC helicopters?
“I happen to be very good friends with the Chief of police.” He told us.
The National Reporter -Is that why the police refuse to do anything about your RC helicopter antics?

At this time the local police arrived and escorted this reporter off of the property with a warning not to return.
I think we all know what is going on and the The National Reporter urges everyone to write their representatives to complian.

Click here for more breaking news from The National Reporter

© The National Reporter, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Gang that plants drugs on innocent people busted!

Members of the notorious wedgie gang are seen here being led into court to be indicted.

The National Reporter
How many times have you watched a television police show and seen someone getting stopped for having drugs in their car?
And how many times have they said something similar to this in their defense?
“But officer, when I was stopped for the traffic light down the street a bunch of guys came up to my car and asked me for directions. They must have tossed those bags of crack in my car,..and that gun too!”
“Sure they did,” the smiling cop says. “Now get on the ground,..STOP RESISTING, STOP RESISTING! TAZER TAZER!!”
ZaaaaAAAAPPP!!!! LOL!

Last week after a five year investigation into gang activity, the FBI arrested several members of a street gang known as the Wedgies.
They call themselves the Wedgies because of their bizarre gang requirement of wearing women’s thong panties tightly drawn up between the cheeks of their buttocks, commonly known as a wedgie.
“We had noticed that quite a few people who were being arrested for drug possession in their cars were claiming in their defense that gangsters had tossed drugs, guns and stolen property into their cars while they were stopped at traffic lights.”Special agent Trent Lockwell told The National Reporter.
“We then conducted an investigation that took almost five years to complete and what we discovered was quite shocking.
This gang of thugs who call themselves the Wedgies would lie in wait for an innocent motorist to stop at a traffic light.
As soon as they had a victim in their sights, they would approach him or her and ask for directions, which is kind of suspicious to begin with.
Being that they were on foot it would seem obvious that they were in their own neighborhood, so why would they be asking people for directions?”
The National Reporter Yes, that does seem a bit odd.
“When they had the persons attention one of the gang members would sneak around to the other side of the car and toss in drugs, guns or something they had stolen in a burglary like a DVD player or a camera. They would make sure that the stolen item had a serial number on it and that the victim had reported it stolen prior to them planting it.
This way the unsuspecting person whose car they tossed it in will be charged with possession of stolen property and perhaps even the burglary.”
The National Reporter Do yu have any idea why they did this?
“Sure, they were bored.”

Members of the Wedgie street gang being arrested during the FBI sweep.

These Wedgies aren’t acting so tough now with their women’s thong panties wedged up their rear ends.
They are on their way to jail for a very long time.

Click here for more breaking news from The National Reporter

© The National Reporter, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Tall hat cult stirring up trouble in San Francisco

The National Reporter

San Francisco’s infamous tall hat cult is once again stirring up debate among city law makers and voters this week by demanding equal rights and full recognition as a legitimate religion.
These renewed protests were sparked off when a group of silver tall hats deliberately lined up in the front row of San Francisco’s largest movie theater and blocked the screen from the rest of the patrons.
Silver hats are the high priests of the tall hat cult and are known to be extremely militant when they want to be.

A line of protesting silver hats blocked the screen during a film nearly setting off a riot.

A half hour after the silver hats began their protest, the theater manager notified the police.
By the time the police arrived the front entrance of the theater was blocked by nearly one hundred tall hats shouting the sacred words of the tall hat cult.
The mob was comprised of lesser members who are refered to as card board tube heads.
“HA-goot-TAH-Pooh-gah!!” they chanted loudly, refusing to allow the police entrance into the theater.
Finally the police dispersed the cultists with a fire hose that knocked their card board hats to the ground and ruined them with the water.
The following day several tall hat cultists set up a picket line in front of town hall with at least two of the dangerous silver hats in attendance.
Police suspect that the silver hats were there to direct the card board tube heads in case they wanted them to become violent.

Two silver hats are seen here leading the card board tube heads at the picket line in front of town hall.

Police were worried that the protest could escalate into a full fledged riot if they tried to prevent the tall hats from picketing, so they blocked off the main street and let them march.
“There are hundreds of these wacko’s out there.” The police chief told us. “If we try to stop them from picketing all hell will break loose.”
The people have had enough of the tall hat cult and they have been banned from most business’s including the public bus system, which is what set off the first riots last summer.
The city bus line refused to allow tall hats to ride the bus unless they removed their hats after one of them caused an accident when his hat pinned the drivers face to the windshield while the tall hat cultist was taking his seat.
“This is ridiculous.” Transit chief William Brown said. “These tall hat cultists,. all they are is a bunch of nut jobs who want attention and to cause trouble. They should all be run out-of-town.”

The city bus line has banned the tall hats from their buses after one of them caused an accident with his hat.

For now the tall hat cult is keeping this latest round of civil unrest at an acceptable level, but the police are keeping a close watch on them and it has been rumored that several undercover officers have infiltrated the cult.
As always, The National Reporter will keep our readers up to date on this and other story’s as they develop.

Click here for more breaking news from The National Reporter

© The National Reporter, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Joke shop busted for selling prescription drugs as a novelty item

Prescription drugs should never be purchased in a joke store.

The National Reporter
Frankies Joke emporium, a popular joke and novelty store in Clearwater Florida, got a surprise visit yesterday morning from the DEA.
Acting on several complaints and reports of young people being treated in hospital emergency rooms for prescription drug abuse, special agents seized several boxes of prescription drugs from the business.
Frankie Wilson, the owner of Frankies joke emporium had been selling pills to young folk as a practical joke item.
The National Reporter spoke with Mr. Wilson in the county jail shortly after his arrest.
The National Reporter – So Mr.Wilson, can you tell us what you were arrested for?
“I was arrested for no good reason, that’s what I was arrested for.” He huffed.
The National Reporter – According to the arrest report, you were arrested for selling prescription drugs to kids. Is that true?
“well yeah, I suppose so. But I wasn’t selling it to them so they could get high or anything like that.”
The National Reporter – What were you selling it to them for then?
“You know,..for goofing around with their friends and stuff.”
The National Reporter – I’m not following you.
“I was watching a drug commercial one night and they had all the warnings about the side effects and I thought to myself that I could make a ton of money selling these pills as a prank item, you know, like itchy power.”
The National Reporter – A prank?
“Well yeah, you know, like if you take this one pill you will get diarrhea and stuff,..you know? Ha,ha,..some of those pills have so many funny side effects that they should sell them in joke stores anyway. They cause explosive diarreah, uncontrollable flatulance, vomiting and dizzyness. Funny stuff like that,.you know? “
The National Reporter – I see.
“Yeah, and theres another one that makes you all paranoid and stuff and gives you nightmares and makes you think about commiting suicide. haw,haw,..it’s funny as all hell!”
The National Reporter – You have some what of a warped sense of humor Mr.Wilson.
“What,..um,..I do?”
The National Reporter – You were selling dangerous prescription drugs to kids as novelty items so that they could give them to unsuspecting people as a joke to watch them suffer from the side effects.
Didn’t you stop to think for one minute that someone could have died from these pills?
Mr. Wilsons eyes darted about his cell as he tugged on his index finger, his lower lip was quivering.
“I don’t know.” He said, quietly.
The National Reporter – What the hell was going through your mind when you were handing out these dangerous drugs to kids as if they were as harmless as rubber dog poo?
“I don’t know.”
Mr. Wilson is being held in the federal facilitys in Tampa until his trial date.
As of yet, no one has come forward to post his 1 million dollar bond.

Click here for more breaking news from The National Reporter

© The National Reporter, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

New riot control weapon in police arsonal

Riot police show off their new riot control weapons

The National Reporter
Police departments around the globe are praising a new weapon that is guaranteed to fend off rowdy rioters without the use of deadly force.
The simple device is the latest invention in Smith&Wesson’s long line of law enforcement oriented products.
“What we did is very simple.”Smith&Wesson chief of development told us. “We took a piece of wood that we use to make standard sized batons and instead of cutting it down, we left it at twice its normal size. Then we skewered a sizable wad of dog feces on the end and viola,.. a new non leathal riot control weapon was born!”
The National Reporter – This is remarkable, and from what we have heard it is completely safe and causes no ill effects.
“That’s absolutly true, it is already in use by several police agencys and they have given it the thumbs up across the board.”

A rioter being sub-dood by police using the new non lethal weapon.

The new device couldn’t have come at a better time as more and more frequent food shortages and failing economys around the world are causing a backlash against those who are responsible.
“If the People are going to rise up against the government, the government has to keep them under control.” Attorney General Eric Holder said. “This new anti riot device not only works very well to silence rioters, its very design also speaks very well for the way the government treats the people who elected us.”

Take that you rioter! You are now a marked man!

So far the new device has led to the break up of several riots around the world and the people are being sub-dood and forced back into submission.
The government is very pleased with the new device and plans to incorporate it into everyday use such as hall monitoring in public schools and to make sure the thriving shopping mall industry is safe and secure from shop lifters.

Supply line stands ready for the riot to begin.

Click here for more breaking news from The National Reporter

© The National Reporter, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Interview with a corpse. Contacting the ghost of John Wayne Gacy

The National Reporter
After receiving several reports of unearthly voices coming from the death chamber where John Waybe Gacy was put to death, The National Reporter went to Stateville prison to investigate the paranormal activitys taking place.
What we discovered is shocking and not for the faint of heart.
View this terrifying video at your own risk!

Click here for more breaking news from The National Reporter

© The National Reporter, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Man dies of heart attack while mooning neighbors

William Martin's rear end was sticking out of his window for three days before neighbors called police.

The National Reporter

56 year old William Martin of Chicago didn’t get along with his neighbors.
Police records show that they had been called to his house several times to handle neighborhood disputes because of his antagonistic behavior.
Last week Mr. Martin was having a fight with the people who lived across the street from him and after they had gone into their home to ignore him, he decided to moon them from his bedroom window.
A few of his neighbors witnessed him opening his window and thrusting his naked buttocks out in an obscene manner while yelling obscenities at the top of his lungs.
This went on for about an hour, then he stopped shouting and just sat on the window sill with his naked rear end hanging out in the breeze.
“We thought he had really gone off the deep end this time.” Neighbor Jack Warner told us. “Everyone on the block came out to look at him with his ass out the window then it got dark out and we all went home. The next morning when I got up to go to work he was still there.”
The National Reporter – Didn’t you think it was odd that he would stay there like that all night long?
“Nah,.not really. He was a nut job and this is just the sort of thing that we would expect him to do.”
The National Reporter – When did you realise that there was something wrong?
“Well, two days later one of the kids down the street thought it would be funny to shoot him in the ass with his BB gun.” he said. “He shot him right square in the ass and he didn’t even flinch. He shot him a few more times and he just sat there with his ass hanging out the window completely oblivious to the stinging pain.”
The National Reporter – What happened then?
“A crowd began to form, people were laughing as the kid repeatedly shot him in the ass with his BB gun. A few minutes later a few of the kids friends came racing up on their bicycles with their BB guns and then there was five of them pelting his buttocks. Everyone thought it was hilarious, but no one was wondering why he just sat there taking it like that.”
The National Reporter – How long did that go on?
“For about an hour, then we told the kids to knock it off, he had enough punishment. After that, the crowd dispersed and everyone went home.”
The National Reporter – Amazing, and not one person thought that there might be something wrong with him?
“Nope, like I said, This was just the sort of thing that he would do. He was a nut.”
The National Reporter – What happened after that?
“Well the next day when I left the house to go to work and I saw that he was still there I suspected that there might be something wrong with him, so I called the cops.
I mean three days with your ass hanging out the window even after being shot a few hundred times with BB guns was a bit abnormal, even for Bill Martin.
Later that night when I got home from work I saw that the cops had put yellow crime scene tape all around the house and Bill was still in the window with his ass hanging out. I thought that was kind of weird.
The was a cop standing in front of the house so I asked him what was going on.
That was when I found out that Bill had been dead for three days. The reason why they didn’t remove him from the window is because of his rigor mortis. He was so stiff that they had to call in a specialist with a power saw to cut his legs off just to remove him from the window.”
William Martin was removed from the window later that evening.
Funeral service will be held at Thompsons funeral home.

Click here for more breaking news from The National Reporter

© The National Reporter, Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to The National Reporter with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.